My story is long and painful but to summarize. H had an A. Left home for only 2 months. Came back physically but never emotionally. Never really tried to repair our M and always looked to blame me for our sitch.
His C with OW never ended.
He is now planning to leave again. I think this time he will leave permenantly. He wants to do it in style, so is still searching for the right 'cottage' and will then want to set it up with all his new toys. He went straight from his Mums house to ours - I think he missed out on the bachelor experience.
I get so emotional when I am around him. I do all the things I plan not to do. It is so hard for me to understand that he can't see that we would be better off together. I keep trying to tell him. He only sees it as me attacking him.
On realising that he had been in C with OW again I told him to sleep in DD room who is away for another 4 weeks. He still uses our bathroom and I find that unbarable to have him here but so cold. He thinks I owe him time to set him self up and when I show my anger it only reminds him what he so wants to get away from.
Question: What do I do?
Grit and bare it till he leaves.
Plan A (is there a point)
Throw him out (he will be so angry I don't know how we will move from that)?
S

Hi arty,

Wow, from your sig it looks as though you've been at this for a long time. I really feel for you, and I hope you get the answers you need!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Question: What do I do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well what do you want? Do you want your M or do you feel that you've put enough time into trying to save your M?

Maybe a little more background on the past year or so will help the others here give you some help. Like how was your plan A?

I know the feeling of the so called and overrated IMO "single life" my STBXW and I were married young and that is the type of behavior I have been exposed too.

As I'm sure you already know, you can't MAKE your WH see anything. You can't make him see that the family is more important. All he's thinking about is his own selfish needs. We all know the pain of lying in the same bed with our WS's knowing full well what they have and continue to do with their OP.

I guess I don't have much as far as advice, just know that your not alone. If you want your M to work, then I would have to say to go back to the basics, and Plan A.

Native

IMHO, if his being there using you until it is covenient for him is not good. It will cause you to lose whatever love you may still have for your real H.

I say kick him out ASAP. Let him go figure out what life is really like. Like your sitch, mine went from mom's to our home. He is the one who had an A and accused me of never letting him do what he wanted. Heck, that's all he did was what he wanted. At least what his paycheck would let him. And it certainly wasn't letting him have an A. When I realized how much I was enabling him...... having him leave was a good thing. In my case by the time I found out, he already had a place to go.

You can plan A with him out of the house or plan B . Either will work.

Do what you need to protect yourself.

take care,
L.

Arty,

I guess you haven't been able to detach at all, heh? If you can't quit telling him how much better he will be to stay with you, than you can't Plan A either.

Whatever you do, you must be able to detach. You have got to find some inner strength. Your life does not depend on him. You are showing him that it does. This is a relationship killer, even without an affair.

Can you kick him out against his will? Will he go willingly (even if angrily)?

If you can detach, do the 180 until he leaves or a really good Plan A. Then I say do that and then go immediately into Plan B.

If like Orchid says, you cannot take this and your love will be dead after the four weeks, kick him out. And go to Plan B after about a month of a really good Plan A while he is living elsewhere. This is what I would do, but I own my house myself and don't know how it works for you in your sitch and financially.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 04:22 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

I'm thinking Plan A. And yes, there most certainly is a point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But a good Plan A. There would be no point to a feeble Plan A.

dewt

I believe Arty has been in a Plan A, in some fashion, for several years.

Hi all ,
Thanks for your posts. Yes, I have been at this for a while - although we have had different stages in this drama.
I undersand that in life you don't always get what you want and just because you think something is clear an obvious it may not seem that way to your partner. I have put heaps into saving my M (maybe not always textbook but always with the best intentions). But no I would keep working at it if there was a point. If my H would work with me,
My plan A was OK until I found out about renewed lies or renewed C (not P). We spent the past year and a half taking once step forward and two steps back. He could not stop C or lying to me and I could not except what he was doing.
My respect for him has taken a huge tumble but I still think I love him.
I also am starting to see that having him leave will be the best for me and possibly him- it is the kids I am worried about. I may be able to detach and do a more sustained plan A with him not here and he may realise that what he had wasn't that bad.
I had a chat with him last night and asked him calmly when he intended to leave. He said he was applying for rentals but kept getting knocked back. He said he planned to be out before DD comes home (4weeks). I asked him not to use our ensuite bathroom so that I can have my privacy. No anger I just said I needed some space and that he would probably find me easier to live with- 1 point for me!

My plan, after reading all your ideas is to detach and plan A harder than ever. Let him leave feeling he made a bad decision. That will at least let me feel that I did all I can. The rest is up to him. Thanks for all the input. I'll keep you posted.
S

I tend to agree w Orchid here IMHO... I recently allowed my WH back home after promises of "trying" and "healing"... I nursed him through a back surgery and took care of all his needs, was sweet, loving and kind....

Just to find out (on the same day I found out my Dad died) that H was still in contact w OW and was very much using me for everything I could give him!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> NOT a good feeling, dear, trust me!!!

I threw him out! The next day he did a NC letter (which he has already broken to "protect" me?!)) and has been trying to work at it but I still feel wuch a sense of betrayl, it is almost as bad as the intial d-day info... that he can profess to love me and such and used me so blatnatly! OUCH! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

If there is a chance of you truly loosing your love for him, you will both be better off with him out (even if he is angry!) You are basically sharing your H w OW! Is that OK w you?! You are sharing comfort and shelter in your home and allowing him time to plan his life w/o you in it... hardly seems fair to you! Only because of everything I have been through lately, I suggest a solid Plan B... you have been at this too long to settle now!

Tx-RN,
Once he is out of this house, there is nothing he could do to allow himself back in. I can't imagine I could trust him or anyone else ever again. But throwing him out isn't that easy.
1. I don't really want him to go.
2. legally and financially it is also his house.
3. He would only end up in an expensive hotel which is not in my best interest.
4. It would make any chance of an amicable separation less likely.

So, if I can detach myself from him emotionally and he leaves willingly I will feel better about the whole thing. I will be more in control rather than making decisions based on anger and revenge. I keep telling myself he is the loser, he loses the opportunity to share a home with his kids and he loses his wife. At the moment he doesn't see it as a great lose but I know he will one day. I also know that the sun will still shine when he leaves and I will cope. In many ways better then him and certainly better than I have over the past year and five months.
I don't feel as if I am sharing him with anyone. I actually don't feel that he is mine anymore. He told me he no longer wants me, I don't like the person he has become and the way he makes me feel. I am just doing what I feel is right for me, him and my kids. Dramas do not suit me. I would rather a calm exit that will be easier for the kids to deal with. It may lose me my H and my M but save pain for my kids and allow me to feel that I can live with myself and my choices.
It is not about revenge. I think I am now in a place where he can no longer hurt me more than he has.
Does any of this make any sense?
Can you see my point?
Am I still in a fog of denial?
S

Arty,

I wish you the best during this time before he leaves. I can only imagine what you feel and how hard this must be.

Good luck on being able to detach and remain strong and calm during this next month.

As far as what you said about never being able to trust again. Being on this board and reading the threads from the men here have helped me to realize that there are guys out there who are trustworthy. In fact at work a guy was telling me that ALL men will cheat on their wives given the chance. I about got into an argument with him telling him thats not true. LOL I do worry I will never be able to fall in love again, but in a way I am okay with that too. I would settle for a best friend and companion at this point in my life. But I am not even ready for that yet.

Your kids are very lucky to have a mother like you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Carol's story is pretty remarkable in that she did a 180 after her WH moved out, and things totally turned around for her and now they are back together.

If you haven't read it, look it up. I'll try and find it for you if you want me to.

Weaver,

Thanks for your support- I will remain calm. I will remain calm, I will remain calm!!! I hope I have convinced myself yet!

I hate to tell you but I agree with your workmate. I don't think all guys search for an A. But I do believe, in the right (or wrong) environment and having some female thrust herrself on them most men would not say no. The two guys who I know who have had A's are really nice guys who had positions of power where woman looked up to them and had themselves in a position where an A was possible.
Oh, how we learn the hard way.

Thus my feelings of never wanting to leave myself vulnerable again. I can trust me and only me!!!

Thanks for your kind words, I feel like I have failed my kids. Also often my anger is vented at them. My DS in particular can sense my weakness and uses it to test my limits - constantly. Parenting is hard enough without all of this on top of it.

I would love to read a success story that would lighten my heart if not give me hope. So if you can direct me to Carol's story I would be very grateful.

Thanks
S

Arty I bumped it for you. Took me awhile to find it. I finally did a search for Toomuchcoffeeman and it is in his link - TMCM's MB Garage. Alot of great stuff he's got in that link of his if you care to check them out.

Hi Weaver and Arty,

I have been talking with Arty for awhile and I am interested in readong TMCM post but cannot find your bump?!

Am I blind?

ShellyC

It isn't over til it's over. We had a few false recoveries before my H's four year A ended.

Look and be your best self. Let him see that you can move on with your life. Plan B or be scarce when he moves out. Let him feel your absence.

If he isn't looking like he is going to file right away, you don't have to file for D unless you really feel you are done. Set up legal separation if it is available.

I assume he didn't even read SAA or any other materials. He was hoping he could keep you both.

I see what you are saying, dear, I really do... I also relaize that for me, taking some control in this senseless situation helped save my sanity! When it gets to the point you are looking at him and can't remember why you loved him at all, it is really time for him to go! Right now, 4 weeks seems so long!

Shelly - It's the thread titled "Hey CarolHK Care to share your story".

It wasn't posted by TMCM I just found it on the link in his sig line where he has a bunch of links to good stuff stored.

The thread I bumped is still on page 1 so you'll see it.

Thanks Weaver i will look for it now and give you my feelings on it.

Trix, I hope your right but walking out on us again is not a great sign. I will do the best I can at being the best I can.
He didn't read, he doesn't think he has a problem.
 
Tx-RN
I am taking control without losing control of my anger. I can do this and he will not be able to blame me for his bad behaviour. I will not throw out a man I think should be here. He will have to gather the strength to walk out that door and tell his children it was his choice.

S

Hi Weaver,

I read that great thread.

It felt like reading a fairytale- and fairytales don't come true. Even if it isn't how do I get to the point where we can even discuss having a meal together. At the moment he is leaving, will not turn his head to see what he is leaving behind him,

We have not discussed how this will work. How we will share the kids etc. I am scared to bring it up and scared not to except what ever he offers. If we don't discuss it I become the nanny looking after his kids until such time as he would like to have some fun with them. Doesn't seem fair.

I am lightyears away from him being disappointed about not shareing a meal with me. But her story was really satisfying to know that some people find a way out of this mess and are truely happy. Whether I will is yet to e seen

Thanks
S

Hi all,
I hate weekends here.
I feel so lonely. I read Bobs thread about the lonelliness you feel when your R ends and it hit the nail on the head for me.

H has shared the good news of having found a place to move out and will be going within the next week.
I am glad the day has finally arrived but I am soooo sad that it has come to this.
He is now on the shopping spree of setting up his little cottage with all his mod cons.Starting anew really excites him. Leaving me with all the chipped crockery and a broken heart. He has no idea about budgets and I worry that he will leave us with finacial problems.

He still hasn't told the kids or his family.
He walks around the house as if we are a normal couple, small talk etc. Was confused why I didn't include him in my plans for the day. He says while we haven't told the kids we should share our weekends together. He is delussional (sp?) You tell someone you are going to forge a life with out her, that you hate your life together and that she has not fulfilled her M vows for years. And then you go to the school fete together. SICK SICK SICK.

He just tries so hard to be the nice guy, fixing things aroiund the house, offering to watch a DVD with me. Why? Which is real? How do I respond? I am cool and detached and stay away from him mainly because I hurt so and being with him may lead me to LB or worse. What is the right response to his behavior? He will and must leave but might he miss me if I can put aside my pain and act sugar sweet and pretend he isn't breaking my heart and that he is still my best friend?
What do you guys think?

S