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Joined: Jan 2005
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I don't know if I should bring up some of the feelings that I know will hurt my wife. I know she is sorry but sometimes I really want to let her have it with all of the things she said and did that hurt me. The part getting her to release the OM was the most damaging as far as her comments to me and I really don't know if I should bring all that up. For that matter what topics should I stay away from?

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Hey Mike,

I posted to you on your other thread...

One of the things that I learned during our MC was that I was NOT responsible for my W's feelings... It's very important for you to let her know what your true feelings are. You don't have to be "mean and nasty" when you tell her or discuss your feelings, but you shouldn't worry about her feelings... it's her responsibility to deal with them.

IMHO, there is NOTHING that is "off limits"... that's part of what you and your W should be doing is working through all of the issues that got you both to where you are today...

Semper Fi,
RIF

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Thanks, I try not to be mean and nasty. Sometimes there just is no way to say something without making it hurt. I'll think about what you said for awhile.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RHMike:
<strong> Sometimes there just is no way to say something without making it hurt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that is exactly the point that our MC wanted me to understand...

Glad you guys are going to MC... it will really help keep you both focused on the important stuff instead of chasing each other around in circles...

Semper Fi,
RIF

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RHMike
I agree with RIF that you need to be very open with your feelings even if they will hurt your spouse. The full scope of the damage must be known before it can be repaired.
There are ways to convey your messages and thoughts with minimizing provocation or anger through guilt. One of the best and the easiest ways is to concentrate on using the word I or me and never the word you. You must do this in a calm controlled demeanor, even emotionally showing your hurt, but never dump in anger. Staying in this presence is reflecting your emotions and reactions to an event.
Example:
This affair with the other man really hurt me deeply and I felt lost, so lost, I hated myself, and I just wanted to die.
VS
You really hurt me deeply and made me feel lost so much so that I hated myself and wanted to die.

With a bit of practice using I and Me you will find there will be little resistance to discussing just about anything.
If your mate does lash out through guilt when confronted with the I and Me statements, you must remain as calm as you can, no LB's and just explain, This is how I feel dear, These are my emotions that are hurting me, and being mine, within my body, they are the ones I need to learn to understand.

Pick your time wisely to use the statement above. I found it best when my wife calmed down from her defensive guilt reaction.

SM

PS: Semper Fi my friend. 67-71

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: SilentMisery ]</small>


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