Patriot and I are going to Kansas City for the weekend on a business/pleasure kind of thing.

I am super anxious about it because, believe it or not, I have NEVER been to a hotel with my husband.

We went to Hawaii last September when he proposed, but we stayed in a military cabin (didn't seem like a hotel room at all). And besides, that was pre D-Day.

I fear that if I go to Kansas City, all I will think about are the experiences he shared in hotels with OW.

All of a sudden, writing this just now - I feel so hurt and angry that I can't even seem to enjoy a simple weekend away with my husband without so much pain. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!! I am SO sick of this. I'm sick of struggling to make it through each day and each uphill battle. I feel as though the only progress I have made is learning not to hurt HIM! I am hanging by a thread here. I feel so unimportant and angry.

I had been telling him for years how much I would like to take a vacation with him. He went to the Bahamas with her while I'm sitting at home (with no car, while his is parked at some airport) thinking he's off serving his country! He shared everything with her and all he shared with me were lies. He claims ne never even had feelings for her. If he destroyed me for someone he didn't even care about, how must he feel about me?

I just want to be normal again. I want to be able to drive somewhere without triggering or feeling like I just want to die.

The intention of this post was to ask for advice on how to deal with triggers on our trip so that we might both be able to have an enjoyable time. It turned into a vent and now I no longer care. I don't even want to go. He can go and do whatever and whomever he wants. He will probably have a better time without me. The only time he seems happy is when he is away from me. Can't say that I blame him - I'm pretty miserable. I don't know if I can take this much longer. I am not as strong as he thinks I am.

You are STRONG!!! Go and have fun. Try to plan some things to do together. I know it may be hard not to think about the OW...God...I know...but you have a chance to go on vacation with your husband and start fresh. Get excited about it.
I wish my STBX would have stayed to work on our marriage and we had the chance to go on a vacation together and enjoy each other. I know it's tough right now but at least your WH wants to work on the marriage. That's a posistive thing. I on the other hand have nothing to work on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I promise I am not strong.

I know you and some others wish their H's would have stayed to work on your marriages. It is so much harder than you think. The pain of it is almost unbearable. You no longer have to wonder if he is lying - you already know he is. You have nothing to fear. In a weird way that seems better to me in that it's so much easier to deal with something if you actually KNOW what it is you're dealing with. I have no idea what I'm dealing with here. I don't know which part of what he says is truth and which part is a lie - or if it is all lies. It's like I'm trapped in some kind of Wonderland where everything is scary or weird at every turn and nothing seems real. What was real isn't and what might be real isn't because you thought what was real was and now it no longer is. How are you supposed to combat what you can't see???

It is hard to enjoy each other when I feel so sad and alone. Then I see him deflate and walk on eggshells. I hate that. I don't feel close to him at all and the distance gets greater every day. Perhaps it really would be better to let him go alone. I'm stressing me out, so just imagine how he will feel.

Frozen,
I know exactly how you feel. It is very hard to work as hard as we do to keep our marriages together. And I often think, "Why am I doing this again? He cheated on me!" It's even worse when he says something that ends with "True, I cheated on you" It's like reality hits full force.
As for the hotel thing, I went to one with my H about 2 weeks after D-day. I though I would have a hard time, too. However I found that actually walking into the building and to the room was harder than actually being in the room. I just kept thinking about his walk to the room with her and what they were doing/thinking/etc? Why couldn't he have come to his senses? He messed up his whole life b/c of some adolesent curiousity.
Anyway, I would just let him know that it will be very hard for you, and that he will need to be there for you. Then, make the room your room, when you can. That will help.
TRY to push out the other thoughts, b/c he is there with you and not her! I know how you feel about him wishing you weren't there, I feel the same way, but guess what, our H's did stay, so there is hope!
Take care, and keep strong!
True

Honey try thinking of this as your victory weekend. You won. Make it fun and exciting. Buy yourself a new nightie, sexy undies, bring a candle, bottle of wine, get some glasses too. I have been asking my WH if we could go away for a weekend since my D-Day. He asked me to go to
Daytona this wkend. I said YES. Then he said we can go visit my sister. GRRRRRRRr. She has a house full of roaches and does drugs, she will have bikers over there as well. Yours is trying, Go put a smile on your face. Stop thinking negative and be the woman he wants. Good luck -will be waiting to see how it went.

froz---first off your gonna trigger. go into it knowing this.....him also. let him know its hard for you and let him comfort you on it. ive been where you are and i know it sucks....but it does get better in time. face the trigger head on and go into it knowing its gonna happen and know also your gonna beat it! let patriot know this too. get it out......let go of it so it no longer has the power over you. no matter how good things are we have triggers. its all part of healing.

frozen...I know it must be hard. Just think though that at the end of all of this pain and suffering you will still have your family in tact. You will make it through. Give it to God and he will bring you through this.

Yes, you are right...I do know that my STBX is a liar and a cheat and I don't have to deal with all of the lies anymore but in the end if I knew we could remain togther and get through all of this I would rather be in your shoes than to see my family ripped apart. It's sad either way!! I truly feel for you. Just try to enjoy the weekend. Both of you have a second chance...take advantage of it!!
Hugs... T~

frozen...I know it must be hard. Just think though that at the end of all of this pain and suffering you will still have your family in tact. You will make it through. Give it to God and he will bring you through this.

Yes, you are right...I do know that my STBX is a liar and a cheat and I don't have to deal with all of the lies anymore but in the end if I knew we could remain togther and get through all of this I would rather be in your shoes than to see my family ripped apart. It's sad either way!! I truly feel for you. Just try to enjoy the weekend. Both of you have a second chance...take advantage of it!!
Hugs... T~

Hey Froz...

This may not work for you but it worked for me. I threw out every single thing that my H gave me while he was having the A...well maybe not EVERYTHING, money, clothes, expesive perfume <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...but I threw in the garbage our wedding pictures (yep), wedding albums, cards, every single picture that we had taken, I toke them off the walls and threw them away. Cards that he'd given me.

BECAUSE everytime I looked at these things I wondered if he was with her the day before etc etc...those things are just reminder of the false reality, the fantasy world that he made up for me to live in.

My H was extremely romantic, giving and caring all the while he was stabing me in my back. The weekend of our first date he bought a bottle of moet champagne to give to me...he told me that we wouldn't open that bottle until a very special moment, but everytime we would see each other then we would write the dates on the bottle...how sweet. He would bring the bottle when he would come to visit me and vice versa, across 2000 miles. We planned to open it on our wedding night, but we both felt that it was too special to open so we decided to save it forever and pass it on to our children. Needless to say, this went in to the trash as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

My H was a little upset by this, he told me that since I was throwing stuff away that I forgot to throw out the biggest reminder of the A and that was him! I replied immediately to him that I didn't want to throw him out b/c it was only with ...hang on I will post the email I wrote him:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't want to throw you out. Because it is only with you that new memories can be made, pure memories with out the stains of infidelity or deception, new hopes and dreams. The old ones are bad to me, I can't find one good thing in them. I'm sorry but that is the way that I feel.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It really worked for me. I struggled for a long time on throwing the stuff out...because those things are irreplacable. But once I did I felt such a burden was lifted...you see I don't want to live in the past I've got to move on past this.

So at his ships Valentine's Day party I insisted that we have our photo taken ($25.00 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> for one photo). and when everything blew up this weekend i looked at that picture and what came to my mind was that we were trying and I know (pretty sure within reason of course) that he wasn't cheating at that point in our relationship.

On the other hand, my H has traveled the world w/ his XW and XGF (neither of which was the OW he had the A w/) and one of those places having been Paris. He really wants to take me there, but I have no desire to go there for that reason alone. There are plenty other places for us to go.

So I say that to say this...think of this as an opportunity to create new memories, give your H a chance create good times that you can reflect on. Pratice makes perfect....pretty soon you will have so many wonderful memories that the old ones will fade away in time. Being that the hotel thing is a problem then don't stay in one. Try to find an alternative, stay in a penthouse suite with all of the extra amenties, private hot tub, beautiful view. Do something that they didn't do. Heck rent a RV <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> seriously. But go and let your H pamper you.

I'm really to rooting for you guys to make it. I'm in the bleachers ...shouting..."GO Froz...GO Patriot...!!! enough of that just trying to make you laugh.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>