Gimble, WAT, Suzet this is my final draft, please comment.

FL

Dear <WW>,

Please take the time to read this letter and understand that it comes from my heart.
You are on my mind every waking moment of the day and with faith and hope, I am writing this to let you know how I feel.

As I've said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that facilitated the crisis we now face.

I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. <SON> and I are closer than ever and I realize that I was not the best father that I could be. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized my negative contributions as a husband. I am also working on my abilities to provide the emotional needs that you have. I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual.

During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <SON> and ourselves to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

<SON> and I are the two men who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. You can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand.

Whenever you are ready to talk, I'll be ready to listen. I loved you when I married you and I love you to this day. I am willing to do whatever it takes to put our family back together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage so that we meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new relationship in which everything we do makes all three of us happy.

I am here for you and I love you,


<ME>


My Story

I was wondering what became of this. Pretty good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation."

I had this in my letter which was specifically intended to address one of my wife's complaints - that she was afraid to complain to me. Unless you have reason to believe your wife has a similar complaint, perhaps take this out.

In general, don't include anything that doesn't specifically apply to your sitch or that she would conclude are not your sincere thoughts, i.e., one size of these type letters does not fit all.

Is the weekend behavior continuing?

WAT

Hey Foglight -

I like your name... It fits well here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You've been getting advice from one of the best here. WAT is wise beyond his years - and he's pretty old!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

After reading your Plan A letter I had a couple of suggestions. I'll take them one at a time:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are on my mind every waking moment of the day and with faith and hope, I am writing this to let you know how I feel.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't want to sound too 'clingy' in Plan A. Perhaps if you rephrased this to say "I think of you often during the day. I am writing...."


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It might just be me, but this struck me kind of out of place. It made me think you were going to teach her how to be a better person. IMHO, your letter reads much better by eliminating the entire portion I outlined above. It might be less risky, too (depending on her mindset when she reads this).


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounded a little too judgmental when I read it. I thought the paragragh ended just fine before this statement.

Fog, I think your letter was great. It's one of the only Plan A letters I've seen here. Please take my suggestions for what they are...suggestions from a relative stranger who has been in a similar situation as you.

Good Luck and blessing to you and your family!

Gib

Hi WAT, comments noted on plan A letter. Still tweeking it.

"Is weekend behavior continuing". Yes for the most part. WW has been talkative and happy, but still has that off in the distance look if you know what I mean. My B-Day is Sunday and I curious what it will bring. Also WW's B-Day is the 31st and she will be in Pittsburg for work related training during that time (it is legit for sure) I called the hotel I know she is staying in to see if OM had reservations and as of yet there are none. I want to do something for her and would be open to any suggestions from anyone on this board. Something appropriate and not to over the top. I want to do it before she goes out of town.

Thanks for keeping tabs on me WAT,

FL

Thanks Gibby1, great comments.

FL

Good comments, Gibby.
WAT

A good strategy on this letter may be to send it to her at the hotel for her upcoming trip or somehow hide it in her luggage - so she first reads it away from you and son. But get some of the ladies' thoughts first. We guys can really screw up stuff like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT

Good Idea WAT, Suzet are you out there? What are your thoughts.

FL

/\ Bump for the Fog Man /\

FogLight,

Sorry for my late response - I only recognized your thread this morning and I mostly post from work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I’ve read through your post and I think the letter is very good. With a few small adjustments and changes to the letter (as already suggested by WAT and Gibby) the letter will be perfect and more suited for your specific stitch. In addition, I only have the following to add:

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FogLight, the problem I have with the above sentence is that it didn’t allow space for human weaknesses and it didn’t make provision at all for the possibility that you may unintentionally make mistakes in the future in your attempts to understand your wife and support her in non-judgmental ways. You see, because we are human beings, no one can ever say that they will never make mistakes again… However, our job is to eliminate and avoid those mistakes to the best of our ability. But still, there is always a chance that you may not be able to understand your W 100% during ALL times. (Is there a man who will ever totally understand a women if we sometimes can't every understand ourselves? You know, we are complex creatures! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I think it will be better if you change the above sentence in your letter as follows:

“I will do my uttermost best to support any need you have to the best of my ability and in a non-judgmental way. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you’re not sure, I will try to understand.”

Maybe my sentence above is still not 100% perfect, but you get the idea!

NS: WAT, you said: ” But get some of the ladies' thoughts first. We guys can really screw up stuff like this.” I must compliment you guys… I think you men are doing a GREAT job here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thanks Suzet, here is the latest draft...

Dear <WW>,

Please take the time to read this letter and understand that it comes from my heart.
I think of you often during the day and I am writing this to let you know how I feel.

As I've said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that facilitated the crisis we now face.

I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. <SON> and I are closer than ever and I realize that I was not the best father that I could be and how much he needs me at this stage in his life. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized my negative contributions as a husband. I am also working on my abilities to provide the emotional needs that you have. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual.

During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - an In short, I will avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <SON> and ourselves to try hard to make it work.

<SON> and I are the two men who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. You can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand.

Whenever you are ready to talk, I'll be ready to listen. I loved you when I married you and I love you to this day. I am willing to do whatever it takes to put our family back together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage so that we meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new relationship in which everything we do makes all three of us happy.

I am here for you and I love you,


<ME>

FogLight,

It sounds very good, but what do you think of the changes on the specific part of you letter I’ve suggested to you this morning?

Suzet, I got this original letter from WAT. He suggested to take that part out because it was specific to his stich and It really didn't apply to my stich anyway.

Thanks,

FL

Foglight - actually, Suz was commenting on another sentence. Please re-read her post to make sure you understand her comment.

WAT

Sorry, Suzet, WAT is right. I'm at work and things are a little crazy right now I have to get off for a while and put some fires out so to speak. I will reread and repost later. Thanks

FL