My situation is different than many on here. It seems like my posts don't get too many repsonses and perhaps it is my writing style. I do not know...My XW and I are in recovery and reconciled. She is and always was the love of my life and she feels the same so I am told.

Part of our recovery was opening up with each other. She confessed to an affair from 1998 in July of 2004. From experience here it was handled typically. Very little information, "it was NOT important who, what, where, etc". Our counselor told her that my "need to know" was normal. I asked very specific questions. Not the gory details. I was trying to figure out what the relationship was. She down played it. These questions happened it October. It was just like D-day again. It was devastating as I found that it was nothing like she told me at first. I am an executive as is she. I have to keep a planner of what I need to do and I kept them since 1988! I went back and saw when she "needed me to take care of the kids". I had to write it down. The first time she was unfaithful at an out of town convention I knew because she failed to call her children. When she did I "called her out"..."who is it that is more important than your family?" She deflected by demanding to speak to her children. I would not let her and it was the focus of much anger. It came up for years. I would not let her children speak to her. Not, I have a big hangover and by the way I slept with some guy twice my age last night. He is a wealthy customer of ours. When she did confess I asked if I was right that day and she said no. I asked her, when she was with him. Specific things from my planner. She said no. Understand...she did not ever HAVE TO travel for her job. She chose to. She does not travel now and knows it is a HUGE ISSUE and potential "deal breaker" if she does.

This is getting verbose so here's my issue. She answered my general questions, who, what, where. I got an e-mail last week that ended up being spam. Problem was it was from an e-mail account that was in her very specific industry. So I did research on the guys company because I thought someone was messing with me. I got wound up when I found out that she went to their locations when he was there. She told me "I was not with him, there were others there, we had to do business with him". I SPECIFICALLY ASKED about these events. She lied. Needless to say I was gone. Furious and hurt. Betrayed, again! 3x!! It was like a 3rd D-day. She has had no contact personally since 1999 and business since 2002. However, he is still a customer of her company.

I gave her an engagement ring on Valentines Day. She understands why I am upset. We're in counsleing. I am still upset today. Crushed in fact. I trust her now...I trusted her then. She thinks that "you'll never trust me again"...My response is "I keep finding out you still lie to me" "Part of my recovery is for you to be honest" So again...I asked her" Is there ANYTHING Else? she told me NO...I am having a tough time believing her. One thing that came from counseling is that she "did not do anything" those times so that was what she thought I needed to know. She also knows my pain is deep....She thinks I am upset about the sex (2x). That is not only it. It's the relationship, the PLANNING to "hook up". the phone calls, the "business meetings".....the betrayal.

What do I do?? I'm losing it. I want to believe and trust but this is a big step backwards. I trust what folsk say here. Am I over reacting?? Thanks for everyones help and advice...

Sometimes it's really hard for the WS to understand why we need to know certain things.

There is a letter floating around here somewhere that explains it all....but in short.

It's like your W has given you a 500 peice puzzle.....took away 50 of the peices....and won't let you look at the picture.

It's impossible to "put it together" until you have all the peices that she's holding.

hi wish i could help more. i don't get to much responces either.my d-day was 2 months ago. it started as only a kiss and ended up being a whole different story. i to wonder how many lies are still out there. i found out there were more phone calls and one time of sex in ow car says he did'nt finish he got scared.did say tried setting things up again but did'nt work out.i too hope all the lies are out so i can heal. we are both 30 and have been together since we were 14. i hope he just lost are way.i do keep writing new posts every couple days to try to get more info.i know this was'nt much help but just keep posting.

LL

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: Send me on my way ]</small>

Miss Priss..I gave her that letter from Dear Peggy in September.....

I'm terrified I am making a mistake agreeing to marry her again. She proposed to me. I love her so much but she hurt me sooooo bad...

lasting...post on the general threads they get more traffic...and learn from the site and the people who post here. It takes time to get acclimated to the concepts.....good luck to you. My advice is communication is key...lack of it destroyed our marriage....having it now is saving us...

Hi Smomw,

I'm sorry for all your pain. Less than a year from the real dday, no, your not overreacting. I hate to say it, but you are pretty much on course.

The first year of recovery is dicey. BS's do uncover lies and inconsistancies. WS's are just getting grips on how bad this all was.

They say NO MAJOR DECISIONS for the first year. Why did you propose to her in Feb? Not that you have to follow some 'rules', but it's just that you were early in recovery, with some way to go. Top of the rollercoaster, I'm guessing?

Have you set a date? If not, dont. Just dont mention it. Run with MC for a while. See how she comes along.

I see you have young children. You have much to gain here. Your pain is normal and righteous. You'll work through it, with her and MC (or you wont marry). I'd give her some time with the MC; she's still minimizing.

Take good care of yourself, ok? You eating well and drinking your water? Getting good sleep? Please take care - Dru

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

IMHO her having continued contact AND still lying about it is a deal-breaker.

There is no excuse for her still being in contact with him and lying to you about it.

Basically, she has an 'it's none of your business' attitude. She feels she's entitled to continue contact. She lies to you because she is subversive and feels she's entitled to tell you whatever you need to hear so she can string you along. She's only pretending to try to comply with what's needed to regain your trust.

Cancel the engagement.
The reason you don't trust her yet is because she is still not worthy of your trust.

SMOMY

It's hard I know. What does your heart say about remarrriage? If you love her isn't worth the try? I can't give you answers just my sympathy. I'm praying for the best in your future.

Drucilla...thank you for responding...

Why did I get engaged so soon....? I never wanted the divorce. I had no choice..in NY you can only delay the divorce you can't stop it...Part of my pain stems from what I thought after D-day...she was unhappy and asked me for a divorce in 1999. Because I would not divorce her she had affair. (D DAY 1)...NOT HOW IT HAPPENED. She had the affair and then did the "I do not love you", I want a divorce....after the affair was over and she was most likely BS fog....( D-DAY 2)....teh ensuing 5 years were an absolute horror...no one had any affairs but our marriage was hideous.....I wanted at times for it to be over...

we're both quite different now...different people. I love her. I dated, actually fell in love with someone but they did not hold a candle to her...she was "the one"...I learned you only live once...so when she asked me to move back in and marry her (eventually- no date yet)...I said OK...it was then that we told our boys...they had somewhat of an idea we did stuff together...not that we're deeply in love...and we are....

meremortal...

her industry is highly specialized...they "could" always run into each other but she does not travel any more...changing jobs would solve nothing. that concept simply is not practicle in this case. I have accepted this. We talked about the fact that he could call...and my response was that she needed to tell him that she would never speak to him again and for her to delegate...she has done this. HE called her one time when that person was out..she called me right away...very upset thinking I would be mad...I'm not..she did what I asked...no contact...she has had nothing but business contact since 1999...and none since mid summer...to tell him to never call again...I have checked their phone records....and hers...nothing....

counseling works folks...she has admited to herself that this guy was a predator...he knew she was vulnerable...her shame is something I can not comprehend....it is immense and I do not rub it in her face....why would I hurt her? I have been quite interested in the FWW "shame threads"....she can not yet forgive herself....

again folks....thanks for responding. This place makes me feel normal in how I feel....

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Send me on my way ]</small>

Yes, the sex hurts, but it is so much more than that. All of the details that make you feel extra rejected and extra unloved. The betrayal hurts and the fact that theywere capable of doing such disrespectful, hurtful things is like pouring salt and lemon in the wound. It is so hard to understand because we could never treat anyone that way especially someone we love. I pray you are able to let go of the pain and hurt. I prsy your marriage makes it.

Send, have you spelled out for her specifically and maybe in writing what you are looking for from her? Just a thought since you said she thought she did not have to mention contact since it was innocent and bus related.

Send - this No One can tell you what love means between tow people. If you tow are in love and it is true love then you must do what makes you both ahppy. I see she is working to regain trust. Ok -she made another mistake. Maybe you tow could set up a code phrase to remind her of keeping the truth and opne relationship you are building. That way you are not saying you need to tell me the truth over the next year or so. Just a thought. Something like did you talk to anyone interesting today? Or something else so you do not have to say his name ? Sometimes I have read bring up the OP name causes triggers. I am trying not to say names as we are so new to this - it is just hard since there were 2 OW.

Faithful...

The problem is that she SAID they were business related. They were social events with other staff from both companies. Hell her and other people from her office went out to where the company is (out of state) and played on his boat. He was not there. They went to a concert and he was there (I asked- she said no before). I asked because I remembered thinking that she was overly concerned about how she dressed and it was for a band she hated....

There was also a time that really stuck in my mind...it was 9/11/01. She was at a camp in Maine with staff..it was the co owners camp. He was there. She flipped out that day. Very upset I did not pull my boys from school. Felt very betrayed that I did not honor her request. They were stuck out there becuase they flew. Took them 13 hours to get home...and it always came up...she was furious...just like when I would not let her talk to her boys when she was cheating on me in a motel 4000 miles away....I specifically asked about 9/11 because it was quite bizare behavior. She reacted very strongly with guilt for not being home when that happened. So I asked her about it numerous times after I found out about the affair. She said "HE was not there"...my research found out that they had an office exactly where she was so I asked her again...and she said "I was with other people, I had a room mate" "It was long over"....so I asked "why did you lie if it was long over?"....

So I have been very ...very clear.....don't you think??

So what do you need from her now? My H has a hard time putting dates and times together for me. That is just not his personality. Is your W generally very good at remembering details like this?

Faithful...her personality is to remember everything. She can tell me what I was wearing when we did something 18 yeras ago....so yes....she remembers...my prodding did not make her recall a thing....she remembered. She answered truthfully because I had gathered too much information.....and it began innocently...my information gathering.....

She knows what I need now...I have been clear....I think...

thanks for responses....they help me....anyone else have any comments??

It may sound drastic, but maybe you two should move and she should get a different job were she will not have a chance of interacting with him anymore. From different things you have said it sounds like she really does love you. She probably tells little white lies even though she should not because she is afraid of losing you. It seems like you two have a really good chance of making it.

stormy....

Moving has come up...as well as quitting her job. However....Her job responsibilities are very industry specific and specialized. She "could" always run into this person via many different avenues. In her current position she has delegated the responsibility. It really is not an option. She also had a long term EA at work that turned into a PA shortly after we got divorced. I too had a few relationships one that was quite special to me. She understands the position she put herself in by doing this with men in her industry. There is also children involved. The divorce was difficult on us all. Her and I kept things very quiet as far as the boys were concerned. WE needed to be certain. We are certain of our love. The past haunts us but at 40 years old who doesn't have baggage?

My main issue is having to keep going through the D-days. I know she gets it this time. I have been a mess, not eating or sleeping right. She sees my pain in a whole different light. I also see hers. Her shame consumes her at times. I have been respectful when asking questions. I was not the last time. I was mean as was she. We both LB'd big time.... She can tell by my withdrawal from her this time. My fear. We try to excorcise the demons. Her demon is my relationship with someone else. However, we were divorced. The relationships I have issue with were when we were married. It is clearly her relationship, the deception , and betrayal that are my demons. What I wonder is did it go on longer than she admits to? It is her fault I wonder... Obviously I hold her to a higher standard because of our marriage. My memory of the events and my questions astound her. It was over 6 years ago!! Hell, she had only crawled out of bed with him for the first time when I told her. She deflected perfectly becoming angry at me....why did I not have this resource of MB THEN??? She also nows that NOW...if I had suspected her of an inappropiate relationship...I would not ignore it... I trust her, I always did. I can see she loves me and I can feel it as she can mine.

We can and will make it. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I really welcome input and everyone's own experience her....

"What I wonder is did it go on longer than she admits to?" Dang, I know what it is like to carry that question around with you at all times. If possible try to focus on the fact that she does love you and deeply regrets it. You two have a lot going for you. In comparison to my relationship and many others on this board you two ,even though it may not feel like it or seem like it at this time, have so much going for you.