Since my D-day I have been coming to MB looking for answers, looking for someone who has been through where I'm going. To offer wisdom from their experiences. But so far until I came across Frozen and Patriot's story (and you guys are going through also), I haven't been able to find anyone out there yet that is on the other end of this.
One thing that seems to be pretty common on MB is that A's usually happen because a spouse EN are not being met (whether its justifiable or not) and where there has been a communication break down or some sort. I know that I would be able to better deal with his A if there was something that I wasn't doing in our relationship or even if it had been a one night stand, or even if all communication w/ OW ceased once we got married (if he was going to turn over a new leaf). But the sense of disloyalty and distrust runs deep.
My H and I completed within 2 or 3 months a christian pre-marriage counseling book, which was very thorough in addressing every aspect of M from communication to sexual desires, religion, children and inlaws. After each chapter we signed and date a contract of things that we would continue doing in our relationship and carry them on into our M. We promised to communicate effectively...so forth and so on. All the while he was sleeping with someone else! and telling lies to cover it up. (and of course we were suppose to be in a monogamous relationship, absolutely no doubt about it!)
Get this one. We saw each other every other weekend but prior to our wedding we went 5 wks w/o seeing each other in effort to make our wedding night more special. Well you guessed it I went 5 wks but he didn't. How sad. So now he says that he can go 6 months (while deployed) w/o sex but he couldn't go 5 wks before we got married. How am I suppose to believe he is telling the truth now?
Anyway back to my point. The bottom line is how we trust our spouses to be faithful when things aren't going well in your M (and everyone has those moments...i don't care how good your M is) when they choose not to be faithful when things were great! I suppose the answer is at some point, unless there are some sexual addiction, the choice is up to us, the BS. With a WHOLE lot of patience from the BS, it can be done...I'm convinced.
It's like just starting all over again. Either w/ your H or w/ someone else. In my case I need to heal a bit from the A, express my pain (constructively, like posting on MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and going to MC ) once time has been allow to do some healing I can with a clear mind really work effectively on rebuilding a solid indestructible M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> again. But this of course can only happen if WS is willing to take responsiblity for his actions and be the giver during this healing time for me.
Ok MB what do you think of this? I can't recall reading anything from this prespective. Is this the wrong way to think, for the BS needing to be the taker after an A?
