Hello CC

Gracias (thanks) for posting.

Let me know more about you. You mentioned kids. How do you keep total darkness? Do you have a mediator? How has your husband act with Plan B?

I do think too my someday my love for him will be gone and I wont care anymore. Hopefully that is not when he will want to get back for real to make my life miserable once I have decided to go on without him.

Yes! I know MB is also an addiction. I am here even before I brush my teeth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . At least is a positive addiction. It keeps me from snooping around and getting into trouble.

Thanks for your support. Let me know more about you and your plan B. It sounds good that you have been 2 1/2 months with NC. Lead me here by example. Did you have problems getting into it? It took me 2 failures at PB before this third and last time.

Oh Well, got to go. Have to take baby to show arm at the doctor from his TB test on Monday and I have my OB/GYN appt today(fun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).
Then I work tonight so I probably wont post again until then.

Busy day is good. Take care CC and good luck to you too.

I don't necessarily view the MB board as an *addiction*. I think it's a place to get the support we so desperately need, from people who have been there a lot of us don't have people in our lives that understand what we're doing and why.

Most of the people in my life feel that I should have dumped my WH and filed for divorce a long time ago, they don't understand why I would want a man that is cheating on me. Well....I DON'T want a man that is cheating on me, but I DO want my husband back and my family intact, and will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

So, yes, I spend a lot of time here....and when I lost my internet, I missed talking to everyone here, because I really have no support network for my choices except for here.

So, anyway, I wouldn't feel bad about posting here, and I believe that once my WH are on the road to recovery, my posts here will probably lessen, but I will try to still be here for others, as they've been here for me.

-Caren

Caren, if it is not an addiction what am I doing here typing after taking a shower even though I said I had tons to do today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I understand what you are saying. My parents are visiting again and they are in the living room with the baby while I am here in the computer. They think I am getting ready to go out. I could be out there talking to them but Nope! I am here talking to you.

Even yesterday PBWH called me and I ignore the call. My mom was present and begged me to answer him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (i love this rolling eye smiley because I do that myself all the time-did not know until a friend of mine pointed it out to me-opps!) I did not answer. She got upset and blamed me "if things do not work out is becaue you pushed him away, he is calling because he wants to fix things, blah blah blah" .

So I have to come here to be understood. I only have one friend that is going through the same thing but lives in Puerto Rico and it is expensive to vent that way. So, here I am. With this wonderful support people like you. Thanks for being here Caren. I do have to leave now or I will get behind on everything.

Will be back tonight!(and cant wait to be back tonight) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love

Hola Love,

Isn't it nice to have somebody write to you? I feel a little awkward expecting people to answer me, but that's just me and my doormat syndrome.

I am bilingual but we speak spanish in my country.

I am 47 and Wh is 48. OW is 32 and used to be his personal secretary both at his morning job (government) and in his own business in the afternoons, so that's where everything started. We've known her for 5 years.
I think they are living together now but I don't have proof and I don't think I will gain anything by getting any. Let the A implode!
Anyway, plan B ....
On d day and since he barely talked to me (but not out of anger, I think it's more out of guilt and shame) I told him we would have to separate because I would not tolerate this double life. He agreed but we set the date for after Xmas so that DDs could finish the school year and they had exams until the 23rd dec. They are 18 yr old twins and a 16 yr old. So the 26th I told him to tell them and leave please. It was all very emotional and sad, but I think he wasn't expecting me to literally ask him to leave immediately. I gave him PBL which he wasn't expecting and since then I have not talked or seen him except from behind the curtains once or twice. At first I guess he was angry because he expected it all to be friendly like, but he has adhered to my request in the letter for non contact and send me messages thru my daughters or handwritten notes about finances.

He is actually being great about the financial aspects paying all the bills and all the extras for the girls and sending me a cash “allowance”, never complaining about any expenses which I am surprised and hopeful about.
So plan B hasn’t been much problem except that I don’t know if this is a good or bad sign.

Basically I think that we have always been very respectful towards each other and at least, except for the A and not being too involved with the kids, he’s being very respectful.

Hopefully some day this will be over and I’ll have a result of MB plans.

Take care, cc

Hello CC
Thanks for writing. It does feels great!

So you went to plan B without a plan A?

How are your girls handling all that? Do they have contact with OW?

It is good that he is helping you out financially. Mine has too but I do want to find a job to be financially independent from him like I was before we got married. Of course now with the kids is different and Child support will be involved but for the moment he is supporting us without a problem. Either he knows is the right thing to do until I get on my feet again or he is doing it out of guilt. Who knows and I will not ask, just accept the help while I can.

I do hope too that it works out for you. How are you doing personally? It must be hard to be that strong.

Well, I got everything done today that I had planned. Just got back from work like 20 minutes ago. Baby is sleeping. My SS is watching TV.

No contact from WH today. He either got the idea of what position is in all this from last night TM or he got upset, but the point is that he is staying away.

I had his best friend call me today and leave me a message that he was trying to reach my WH and could not get a hold of him. By now I know better and I think WH is using the excuse that he changed his cell number to have his friend call me "asking" for him or his new number to talk to me so WH would get the scoop on what I am doing or thinking. I talked a lot to this guy
until I realized at some point that this was happening with me and OW. He would have the friend call to find out what was going on. That guy is a number one player and all of this is cool to him. So I stopped talking to him.

Other than that, it has been pretty quiet. Not even his mom has called me today. That is stange from her. I hope I did not offend her last time I talked to her.

I recieved another bill to give him when he gets the kids this next weekend. I can see his face already. He does not likes to deal with bills and checkbooks. Like I said before the secretary and accountant are also in plan B.

Thanks for posting and take care .

Hi Love,

I did plan A, for the 2 months between d day and plan B and also I had already been sort of plan Aing for the previous year.

You think I am strong? I actually feel weak. Because I should have confronted long before, I should have suspected the A long before, it may have been going on for a long time but I don´t have the strength to find out. I still cry frequently, I haven´t been able to detach or get on with my life. I´m terrified of WH getting angry or too influenced by OW and not supporting us financially although I know that in the short term with the help of family and friends I could survive.

Anyway, one thing I am not at all bothered by is exposing. Unfortunately since I am in plan B it is not supposed to be done anymore.
But this week I confonted my daughters and let them know that I think WH is living with OW and that is why je has not invited them over to his place. I think they had the idea that he had "once made a mistake" but not that he continues in the A. They don´t talk much about him or the A to me, maybe to spare my feelings. They hate OW and refuse to see her, luckily.

Anyway, this is waiting time... luckily the weather is beautiful and I have the dog to walk everyday.

It would be best if I were busier but that is sure to happen sometime and then I will miss these lazy days of not much to do.

cariños, cc

Hi CC

I also sort of plan A before reading books and finding this website.

I felt I should have confronted the A before. My problem was that it started while I was pregnant and all suspicions I had I blamed on hormones and the pregnancy. Then after the birth I blame postpartum depression for it. I did not wanted to believe it I guess.

I still cry too but not as frequent as 8 months ago when I found out. I was actually thinking today how he has been losing me this time bit by bit. I used to cry when I imagined his side of the closet empty, his toothbrush missing, when I used to see a truck on the road (all the time I see then where I live), ...I used to cry a lot. Now it is different. I miss those things but not enough to cry about them. I pack his stuff myself and tooks them out of the house. Seeing a truck will make me think of him but not enough to cry about it. He is deffinitely losing me alredy.

I can not wait to find a job to help me move on. I am also afraid about PBWH getting influenced by OW about supporting us the way he has promised.

I exposed to everyone. It helps me daily. I am not afraid to tell people I just met about it. Example: Hi how are you? Me: Well I am doing great considering the fact my husband is with OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I really do not care that the whole world knows anymore. My parents are keeping it quite with family back home but as soon as I get a hold of someone I will let them know too. It helps me get it out of my system.

I hope your daughters do not get too affected by what is going on at home.


CC Thanks for posting. Love
===========================================
Now about today...

I knew that he would not go more than two days without a beep.

PBWH TM me that ow is paging his two way saying that she has a question and even though he said he was not answering was wondering what she wanted. Explained he had had not contact with her since Monday that he changed his cell #. That he has not even given the number to his friends. Well, The 2way radio was never changed but I did not bother to explain. I ignored the message.

Minutes later he leaves me a Voice mail. Loooong! Same stuff over and over. He is keeping NC with her (but he is not meeting my PBL because he talked to a friend of hers that was on my no-no list on the PBL )(according to some friends of mine). Then he proceeds to tell me that he wanted to know if I had agree to meet his needs on the letter he sent me the day I gave him PBL. That he was aware of him having to meet lots for me but he wanted to make sure that if he came back I would meet his becuase if not it was not going to be worth it. I ignored this one too.

He kept calling and I would not pick up. I could not shut my cell phone because I was expecting a call from my parents that were on the way to my house.

He leaves another message to please answer him about his needs because he was feeling ignored at this point. aha! Ignored, that is what he feels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So, I TM back saying the kids are well and tell him that my 18mo old baby got beat up by a girl, his age, at my work last night.( My BOY got beat up by a Girl. Isnt that funny! I laugh becuase he is ok. Just kids stuff. He likes hitting a lot because he does not mingle much with kids his age until now. This girl was the first one hitting back. He will learn soon. I just wish I had a camera to take a pic of his legs sticking out from under her body).

Anyway, he TM back asking about the baby's head size (baby has a large head like my dad and the doctor was worried at some point) and asks if my SS is following on the to do list he left for him. I TM back. Baby's head ok, SS doing chores ok, Everything else refer to no contact on letter.

Then he TM back wanting to know if everything on the PBL was still ok because he felt I did not love him anymore.

Whatever! I just TM back "re-read PBL" and that was it.

Next time he pulls this I am deleting his voice mail if I do not hear him mentioning the kids or money and I will ignore stupid PBWH comments from his TM. He knows better. He is playing "insecure" becuase he does not wants to make a decision. I am getting tired so if he does not hurry, I may want out before he decides.

Gosh! I am praying for a job so I can move on easier.

Thanks for letting me vent today.

Thinking about him asking for me to meet his needs just makes me mad. At his point he needs to focus on so much more than that. I have proven to him I corrected what was wrong and now ke came out with other things. What has he changed or corrected for me. This is when I feel like telling him "just forget it and move on with her". I know it was just an excuse to contact me but it got to me what he said. That is why next time I will erase the message if he does not metion kids or money and it gets personal. I prefer only TM anyway.

I want to do a good plan B and No contact.I want to prove to him also that even though he can not "NC" other woman for more than a few days, I can really keep NC with him. Show him how it is done and what NC is about. He thinks not talking to her is NC but it is ok to talk to her friends about her, etc.

I am losing my hopes with him changing and believe I should get ready for something else in my life. The lies are too much to handle. The indecisions are killing me. I am really tired of his bs. I do not think he could ever be who he used to be before. He needs to focus on himself and work on him before anything else. He is not doing it which means he will follow the same steps if he returns home or in his next relationship with ow.

I am starting to think it is not worth saving. I lost who he was long ago. I love what we had once but can not believe to be there with him again. He hurt me too much already in so many ways.

I am giving some 6 monts to this plan B. Lets say by September 1st I should make a decision. If I do not see my marriage as salvable by then, I will proceed with Plan D. I am hoping IF that is the case that by then I have fallen out of love for him and prepared myself to move on.

He will not know of that deadline. Just MBers reading here.

That happens to be right after my Bday so it will be something from me to me. A new life as a gift to myself.

I have been waiting for him to move in with ow but he has not have the courage to do it cause he is afraid of losing me. He is not coming home because he is not sure he wants to lose her either.I wish he moves in already with ow and find out they stink together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> so the A can be over with. What if they do not stink at it! Well,then at least we will know more that what we know now just fence sitting.

oh well, just venting again.

Wow Love, you are really doing a great plan B!

Dr. Harley says that you should set a deadline for plan B too. Of course you don't tell WH, but it's for you.

He gives the whole thing 2 years (plan A + plan B) but I've also read that plan B should be done for 1 year (Penny Tupy at SYMC). This can vary according to the situations but from your attitude you may have nolove left by september.

On the other hand recovery seems to be a choice you make that doesn't have much to do with your feelings. In SAA both the WS and the BS were too hurt to even care for each other when they decided to try and recover but apparently they made it. Do you have the book?

So what you are feeling is "normal" according to Dr. Harley and recovery is perfectly possible.

You are really doing great!

I got my dream job today. One phone call...
I probably start soon and my time on MB will probably be less because I will have a lot to do at work and less free time. I'm glad. This involves a lot of thinking that is painful and when I work I may concentrate on other things and forget all this for a while...

Big relief.
Hope you get a good job soon... don't give up.

hugs cc

CC, I do not feel I am doing that well on plan B but just trying my best.

I heard that plan B should be done for a year but I am not too sure I would be able to stay that long on this. We will see what happens.

I remember from reading SAA, what you said about feelings not being involved when trying for recovery.

I guess I am between venting and planning what to do next. Anything is possible. I am just feeling so tired at times.

Thanks for being here.

I am glad to see you got your dream job. I will miss you around when things get though as far as time for you. I hear you about concentrating on other things. I can not wait to get a job for the same reasons.

Hope everything goes well for you. take care. Love

WH has been leaving voice mails. He is upset about NC. Saying that he is so mad that if I want the divorce he will give it to me. That he stopped talking to ow Monday (yes this past monday)...blah, etc

In the PBL I said that this time he will not be back here soon and that I was not talking about divorce but only a separation with no contact. etc.

Is he trying to break me?

He wants to keep hearing that I am here for him and I love him. That is in the PBL I keep telling him to re-read.

I feel he wishes I make the decision of leaving him. He dared to say that I was keeping him on hold WTF!!!

I am not even keeping my own life on hold. I am doing things to make myself a better person and move on with or without him.

I think he does want to talk to ow badly since he has not since monday proving that he can not go with out his addiction to her for long.

Well, I am planning to keep NC until I feel it is right. If he thinks that by going with her I will start talking to him because he MADE a decision he is sooo wrong and in for a big surprise about me keeping NC.

If he really wants the divorce so much then he can go to a lawyer himself but I am not lifting a finger.

I know, I was supposed to delete his messages but obviously I cant. That is why I prefer TM to Voice mail.

Oh well.

I got to go. I am working tommorrow AM.

Will post later during the day.