I just hate days like this, I called FWW at work and got kind of testy with her. I don't know how to react to the things I am feeling. It's like a huge crack in my heart and it just gets wider.

How do you just up and trust someone who destroyed your life and the lives of your children in one very selfish act.?

To be honest, I almost feel like taking a break from MB and going back to the basic's..

I feel you. Any little thing like a call that didn't come can send us up on the rollercoaster ride again. Have told her that you are having a bad day? Hang on there.

Michael,

You have a few concerns & I would like to address those. They're perfectly understandable & I would like to give you my spin on them.

I agree w/geergan. Do not jump to conclusions. Did your W explain why she didn't call you? I know every time my H didn't call me after his return, my mind started racing. He's calling her instead of me, was how my mind was working. Every time though, he would apologize for not calling that day & had an explanation of why (on his own - not me prompting him). He would either get up late & have to rush to work or be running errands or something like that. What I had to learn, what I had to stick in my mind, was that, no, I couldn't trust this man, he gave me no reason to trust him, BUT, could I trust God?

Think about that for a minute. You have been praying non-stop since all this started Michael. You had prayed for her reurn to the M, you had prayed for your children, you had prayed for just about everything. God has granted your request. Can you trust Him enough to know that He brought her back to you for a reason? Can you trust Him enough to know that He will see you two through this to completion?

He answered your prayer, Michael. He reconciled the both of you. Now, He wants to recover the both of you, so all you need to do is trust Him. It's very simple. Might not seem that way, but it is. Trust God that just as you went through that trial for a reason, you were brought back together for a reason.

I think that answers your question of, How do you just up & trust someone who hurt you so badly? You don't. You trust God. And every time you question her, and then get reassured that she indeed is telling the truth, it's one step closer to trusting her again. Do I make sense?

The one time, I can remember H telling me that he had to work overtime on a Friday night. He is usually let out early on Fridays so the more I thought about it, the more I got tense. I thought he could possibly be lying to me. So what did I do? I prayed & asked God to show me if he was telling the truth. Human instincts kicked in & I had my sister drive me to his place of work to see if his car was there. It was. I felt like an a**. But, it taught me that he indeed was telling me the truth. So, it had me trust him a little bit more. Each instance like that, the more I would check out his story, the more I was reassured that he wasn't hiding anything from me.

I remember another time that he had changed the password to his yahoo account. Around Christmastime. I got paranoid. He wouldn't tell it to me. He wanted "privacy". I started to worry that he was contacting her again & didn't want me to know. When I questioned him more & more, he finally blurted out to me that he had to protect the account otherwise I would know what he had bought for me for Christmas that he bought online & got an e-mail telling him that his item was shipped & what it was. If I had proned further and gotten that password, I would have discovered my Christmas present & ruined the surprise that my H had for me! Since then, I have learned to give him his privacy (not secrecy, big difference) & he is very forthcoming w/everything. He is like an open book now.

Just give it some time, Michael. Give God time to heal the both of you. This didn't happen overnight & it sure ain't gonna be overnight that you are recovered.

Love in Christ,
Y

StandingTogether :


I wish you would post on the joint thread me and Cindy have started.

I also have not recieved that email from your husband..I have a new email address..

Schluter@Frontiernet.net

Michael,

Just posted on that thread as well. Does Cindy know that it was me who she was talking to on yahoo that one time? I would love to talk to her as well.

Love in Christ,
Y

Yes she knows that you are the same person who I was talking with and helping me to better understand my feelings and also trying to bring me closer to GOD and his word.

NCWALKER left me and Cindy a very Harsh post on the joint thread, and it really bothered me and Cindy..

We are both thinking of leaving MB because of this.

Michael,

It's good that she knows who I am. I can post to her on her thread then. I didn't want to say, Remember me? when she didn't know who I was & then say, Oh that was the girl!!! Michael, why didn't you tell me about her??? You know what I mean?

As far as leaving MB goes, let me just say this. DON'T! If you need to move to another forum, do that for a while & then come back to GQ later. That's what I did. I remember starting MB back in Oct 03 & having some very harsh words said to me & telling me to do things that went against my religious beliefs & then I was shunned b/c I didn't follow the advice. That hurt me deeply. I was in so much pain & then to have the community that I thought I had belonged to, shun me.

Then I discovered the Prayer Request forum. That place was a God-send to me at the time. I started posting there & met several people who were praying w/me daily, encouraged me to study the Bible more, dig a little deeper into the Scriptures, concentrate on God & heal ME. They were very encouraging & supported me. I’m not saying that everyone on GQ is not like that, what I am saying is that some people can say hurtful things w/o meaning to hurt. Some people break out 2x4’s when they think you need them. What we have to learn is that sometimes these are the things we NEED to hear. We might not like hearing them, but we HAVE TO hear them.

I’ve also learned that if you have a goal, it’s best to take advice from someone who is where you want to be. For instance, if your goal is to be a dentist, you would not ask a foot doctor on what course of action is necessary to be a dentist. I’m saying that you have to weigh the opinions given to you very carefully & take people’s opinions w/a grain of salt. Eveyrone is at a different place & we need to take that into account when we try to receive advice on a message board that’s so diverse.

What’s helping me recover my M is going to people who’s M’s are recovered & for spiritual matters, I go to people who are at a spiritual place that I would like to be at. See what I mean? If you look carefully, depending on people’s situations, you might get a different opinion from someone who’s headed for divorce court compared to a person who’s in recovery & doing well.

Love in Christ,
Y

Michael,

I have been trying to get in touch with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You missed my post to you on my thread( I think).I am still following you and cindy.Cindy responded to my Q's on her thread but I see it dying now.It's several pages back.And she hasn't posted on the other thread in a bit.

Please don't leave because of what NCW said.I agree with some of what he said and disagree with more but instead of leaving MB perhaps you could just request he not post to you if that's how you feel.Don't let one response get you off track.It happens to all of us.We have the ability to ignore them ok? I think NCW would understand.It's your call though.

I am going to put out a signal to Cindy.She needs to update us on the other thread.When I see a WS decresing their time here I begin to wonder what is going on internally.

And like was mentioned,did Cindy explain why she did not call you?

O

Well Tonight went ok... We went to see Cindy's younger sisters new house tonight and everything was going great till we are leaving and her sister gives me a hug and says " Now don't you keep her from us " Cindy looked like a deer caught in the head lights and I got pissed. I looked at her sister and said, Look I don't keep Cindy prisoner and she can leave anytime she wants. Me and the kids were doing just fine without her. I then looked at Cindy and was see, you have them all thinking I am some kind of Ogre and I walked away and got in the car. Boy was I PO'ED


Cindy held my hand in the car all the way home and she asked me what was wrong. I looked at her and said I don't maybe I should go and screw a couple people and then maybe everyone will like me. Maybe I should stop defending your actions and start telling everyone exactly whats going on...

We got in the house and put the kids to bed for the night and her sister called to make sure we got home ok, and Cindy told her that what she had said was wrong and that everyone should understand that she is at fault not me. I was surprised. She then wanted some SF and I was just not in that kind of mood.. I for one could tell she was only offering to make me feel better and not because she was in the mood.


GRRRRRR

Three steps forward Ten steps backwards..Gosh I hate this game..

^ Bump

Michael,

Now it hits...the anger stage. Why don't you get all your feelings out? I read your joint thread & it seems that at 2:20 am (my time) you were pretty darn angry. Are you more angry this am or are you confused? Talk to me.

Love in Christ,
Y

Confused and a little on the angry Side to be honest....


I got an email from your Hubby..I will look for him in AA


...................................................


I awoke this AM to find Cindy on the pc reading my last entry in the joint thread and her crying...

I just don't understand how I feel or why I am thinking this way..

Michael,

Glad to see H wrote you. He is looking 4ward to getting to know you the way I have. He is also very concerned for you & Cindy & wants to see you two a success story. We both do.

I'm not going to tell you I understand b/c I'm not faced w/what you're facing. In a way yes, but in a lot ways no. I'm not you. You could react totally different to a situation than I would. I just want to tell you that I can be your vent post if you need me to be. I'm a great listener. If you want, you can i/m me & we can talk that way. Whatever you need to get you through this moment.

Why are you angry? Let's see...Your W almost destroyed your entire being. She has put you through he** & back. Do you have a right to be angry? Yes! Do you have a right to be hurt? Yes! Do you have a right to hurt her back? No. I would like you to think real hard to see if you might be doing this. Just a tad bit? You probably want her to feel hurt the way you've been hurt, even if just for an instant, just so she knows what it's like, what you're going through. Maybe then she'd be a little more understanding? Just a wee bit? I only ask this b/c I went through it & you could possibly be going through the same thing. If you're not, great, you're one step ahead of the game. If you are, be honest.

Let's explore that for now & see if we can answer your question of how you feel.

Hugs,
Y

Standing Together:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have a right to hurt her back? No. I would like you to think real hard to see if you might be doing this. Just a tad bit? You probably want her to feel hurt the way you've been hurt, even if just for an instant, just so she knows what it's like, what you're going through. Maybe then she'd be a little more understanding? Just a wee bit? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say you are right on the money, I do want her to feel the pain I am feeling. I want her to look at me and see the pain she has caused me. I want to know that she understands the hurt she has caused me.

This is a woman who on a few occassions has been with the Om and my children have reached out to her and she ignored there calls and there plea's to know she was ok..

This is a woman who slipped her work number to a 20 yr old kid to see if he would call and then tells me that he was getting his own place and that he iffered her to move in with him and she told me she would have slept with him if she had stayed with him...These things just make me sick...

Is this woman a serial cheater.. Is she here just because I have full custody of the children? Is she here because she really does want to make it work..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say you are right on the money, I do want her to feel the pain I am feeling. I want her to look at me and see the pain she has caused me. I want to know that she understands the hurt she has caused me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She will someday, but you cannot force the timetable on this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a woman who on a few occassions has been with the Om and my children have reached out to her and she ignored there calls and there plea's to know she was ok..

This is a woman who slipped her work number to a 20 yr old kid to see if he would call and then tells me that he was getting his own place and that he iffered her to move in with him and she told me she would have slept with him if she had stayed with him...These things just make me sick...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know. You just want to scream. That is so crappy of her. Some day she will look back and be very upset with herself. You will be able to honestly tell her that it's in the past.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this woman a serial cheater.. Is she here just because I have full custody of the children? Is she here because she really does want to make it work..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe, maybe, and probably.

It really doesn't matter right now *why* she is there. She is there. You gotta stay strong and noble to her and vent here.

Remember, feelings follow actions. Her feelings will come around.

I have spent all morning reading your joint thread and your interactions with NCWalker. I think now I know why people say recovery is the hardest part.

I failed at recovering my marriage, so take everything I say with a grain of salt, sir, except that I wish you the best!

Was Sad Tiger:

Thank you for taking the time and responding to my post and even more time reading Mine and Cindy's Joint thread.

Today is a very rough day for the both of us. She is getting ready to post on the joint thread at some point tonight and I am just as eager to see what she has to say.

I know it will take time and effort and I feel I really do want to save this Marriage and make it so much more then what it was Pre - A .

I don't want to beat her up for what she did, I just want to understand it. Oh I want her to hurt the way I am and some day's she does and other days she could care less.. again thank you.

UPDATE:


Well I am still out of work and I am fighting with my company for some back pay they owe me. But I also started to think ahead and have set up two interviews with a couple Retail companies that have an interest in me.

As some of you know I have been a store Manager for many big box retailers and just need to find that one that will make me happy.

I need to focus on the finacial need Cindy needs..

Today I feel kind of at odds about things. I wish I could say that I'm doing great and all, But the truth is I am just here.

Cindy came home tonight from work and she handed me a card with a two page letter. It was a Belated Anniversary card and a letter telling me how much she wants to save this Marriage and how sorry she is for everything and how she wants my forgiveness.

I know I have not been writing in my journal lately, well mainly because The joint thread me and FWW share is drawing lots of posts and it helps us so much.

I love Cindy so much and I now understand how hard it is for a couple in rocovery, I always thought the hard part was getting the WW back and ending the A.

Me and Cindy are even talking about moving to Florida and starting fresh. Om lives and works to close to us. Cindy tells me that it really is over this time and she is really ok with it.

She even told me sorry for all the things she has said and done while in the fog. She told me she can't Believe I stood by her side through all of it.

I guess love can get you through almost anything.

Michael,

You sound exactly like me when my H & I first reconciled. I kept saying to myself, "Dang, this is hard! Maybe it was simpler to just be w/o him." But, it's a year later & the smartest move I ever made was taking him back & trying. We're almost there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Moving? Sounds like an ideal plan! Maybe that's what you two need. To start fresh somewhere else. H wants to move out of here & start fresh somewhere else, so we're fixing the place up to get a good price for it. It's just getting the $ to do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So what was your reaction to the card & the letter? Did you let her know that you appreciated it & thanked her? It seems like she's really meaning it this time around.

Love in Christ,
Y

Standing Together:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what was your reaction to the card & the letter? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cried and thanked her and hugged her and kissed her.....