My issue is that I'm almost 99% sure that my spouse is having an affair. Let's say that I found a charge on his bank card for a hotel room that he denied using himself. Plus, I've also heard various phone messages on his cellphone from a girl and he denies knowing who it is. You know how that goes. We've been together for 10 years and we seem to get along well except for this. I have already accepted him cheating on me and have decided to work at the relationship. He states that nothing is going on and loves me very much. How can you get someone like this to accept his errors and not fall into this trap again? I know he loves me in his own way and we have both made the commitment on purchasing a home and having a family prior to me finding out. Does family counseling work in this matter or how am I to know that this won't happen again if he won't confess? Any wise words out there? He says that he's willing to do anything for our relationship to remain strong. What to do? I haven't heard anymore messages, but that doesn't mean a thing. Has anyone gone through this sort of incident and how does the relationship work if the other person won't confess? Please let me know. Thanks!

First welcome to Marriage Builders and I'm sure one of the wise will be along to help you and to give you some strong advice. I can only give you my advice in how I see it.

My issue is that I'm almost 99% sure that my spouse is having an affair.

Woman have the intuition of a Lion and the memory of an Elephant, So I would have to say that you are actually 100% sure or you would not be here.



He says that he's willing to do anything for our relationship to remain strong. What to do?


First If he really wants the relationship to work and is so willing to do anything to make it work then he needs to be honest with you, You will need to better understand the MB priciples and you will need to make him feel safe in what he has to tell you. You need to understand that what he has to say will hurt you deeply and you may even get upset.. But you need to listen and then tell him thank you for his honesty and then give yourself some time to digest what you have heard. Do Not get mad, Do not call him names, Do not throw his mistake up in his face...

These are all things I have done and all it really does is help push are WS's back into the arms of the OM,OW ...

So be strong, If you Love him keep that love upfront and true..

I wish you the best of luck, and please come here for those days you need to vent or just need advice....

I vent a lot about my wife on here...It does help...

There is also a good thread on here -- 50 signs your spouse is having an affair. I just bumped it so you can see it.

Your intuition is probably right on the money. My stbx had every excuse in the book, denied everything (and still does). Made me feel crazy or paranoid, until I came here and saw he was textbook. While I still have no definitive "proof," I know. And for me it is over anyway, so I'm not sleuthing anymore.

Goodluck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have already accepted him cheating on me and have decided to work at the relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can you get someone like this to accept his errors and not fall into this trap again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What trap? Your husband does not see any trap. In his world, he can cheat and still keep his woman with no consequences.

WHY would he "accept his errors"?

He's happy.

He's secure that you will not leave him if he treats the marriage with the disrespect that adultery is.

He's sitting in a cheater's dream win-win position!

You accept him as is without his confession.... he has no motivation to change.

Think about that. You are motivated to work on this issue because you perceive his cheating as a problem, he does not.

Consider this....

How do you motivate someone who cheats and does not suffer any consequences ?

Quite frankly, I have no idea. It goes against human nature for him to desire any change. He's getting what he wants without changing.

Pep

pebbles,

Sorry you're here, but since you are, welcome. You have found a great resource in this site and the people.

My WH NEVER EVER admitted to his affairs until I pretended to have proof.

Yes. I lied about what I knew. But when you know, you know. He wasn't about to 'fess up so I gave him some incentive.

This last time he was deployed and I hadn't seen him in six months. I knew he was having an affair though. After asking and asking I finally got tired of waiting. So, this is how our conversation went...

Me: "WH, my instincts tell me something is really wrong here and I would prefer to hear it from you. We can't fix any problem until we acknowledge it."

WH: "There's nothing. You're just being paranoid."

Me: "Hmmmmm. You know, I called the PX over there and asked for a detailed listing of all purchases made on our joint credit card. {I swear I heard his eyes bulge}. I thought it was interesting.

WH: "And"

Me: "Well, I was wondering if you wanted to explain certain purchases to me or to your commanding officer. It seems to me that unless you have a mail receipt proving you sent some of those purchases to me, your mom or your sister, you'll have a lot of talking to do."

Guess what?!? There was a girl after all!!!

Imagine that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In your case maybe you could say something like, "You know, that charge that wasn't yours on the credit card was really bothering me. So I went to the hotel and asked for them to get me a copy of the signed receipt. Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

Just an idea. It's not for everyone, but it has worked well for me.

I found a nifty site that shows pics of cheating ws oversea's... This is a site hosted by OM's and OW's who submit pics of the WS they are fooling around with..I will warn you this site is disgusting...To see a deployed soldier cheating on his wife or husband makes me sick...

I served many yrs in the military and I never once cheated on my spouse...I wrote poems, I worked, I did my Job and I loved my Wife...

I was not there to screw other woman, I was there to do my job and help my country serve Justice..GRRRRR

I am SOO SORRY that you are here (aat least for this reason!!


This is one of my posts from last year.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
[2003] my H took business trip over my b-day, practically insisting that I did not come with.

...

3 months after trip, I finally stuck a recorder in his car. After 2 days, and one really pretty clear tape, I confronted him.
I am not a holder-inner, and what I heard devastated me. Basically, my H was trashing how bad his life is, mostly because of me and the kids and horses - but it was all my fault!! He at one point said that .." I know that cleaning stalls is no fun job but you have to see it from my perspective..." - he was talking about the fact that I clean stalls but don't do enough inside at night. ....then later He said “ Maybe I should talk to her [me]. Explain that I don’t love her anymore and that we are complete opposites”.. ....Now, I am so resentful and untrusting of H, I do not know what to do. I have recently started to withdraw...

Now, we have been back and forth over the possible cheating, I also can hear a woman's voice in the background, that is most likely not the radio- she actully responds to his remarks twice- </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H has NEVER confessed to talking to someone..says he was talking to himself. There is definitely a woman that you can hear on the tape (I had it cleaned up). Not all of the recording is real clear tho, still. He says that I am crazy (well I am, but not about this) and I guess the guy that cleaned up tape is crazy too.

Any way, wanted to show that I can really relate to your post. What to do? Well the signs are definitely there..check everything tho and twice. If he didn't make the charge to hotel, Who did? Does he have a "friend" that he would get a hotel for or let make that charge!! Or is it something that he says shouldn't be on the credit card bill at all, and if so, is he disputing this charge? You really should get a copy of the hotel receipt anyway, if that is the case, to prove that he did NOT sign for it.

I used Plan A and have made SOME changes, but still slip back to old ways sometimes, esp. not enuf Domestic Support. I do ALOT better tho and don't LB nearly as much as before... I thought that if I made him feel safe, he would admit it and we could figure out why and how!!

Like you, I worry so much about the happening again part! And on another thread, it was stated by some wise soul that the WS' affair is a product of their feelings and character, NOT the BS's..although yes we are all responsible for our Ms to a certain extent. And no matter what I change, if my H never said what was bothering him (at least not to me) and always blames me for the majority of it, then what??!

I wish i had better advice for you, but in my opinion, almost 2 yrs later, we are still having alot of problems. Could these problems be better resolved if he had admitted to even an EA? I think so, I cannot figure out how to get past some of these things, and he is still not a part of trying to work on M. It's all the lies that bother me the most! Anyone can mess up. My guess is that your H is basicly a nice guy. So is mine.

I am SOO SORRY that you are here (aat least for this reason!!


This is one of my posts from last year.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
[2003] my H took business trip over my b-day, practically insisting that I did not come with.

...

3 months after trip, I finally stuck a recorder in his car. After 2 days, and one really pretty clear tape, I confronted him.
I am not a holder-inner, and what I heard devastated me. Basically, my H was trashing how bad his life is, mostly because of me and the kids and horses - but it was all my fault!! He at one point said that .." I know that cleaning stalls is no fun job but you have to see it from my perspective..." - he was talking about the fact that I clean stalls but don't do enough inside at night. ....then later He said “ Maybe I should talk to her [me]. Explain that I don’t love her anymore and that we are complete opposites”.. ....Now, I am so resentful and untrusting of H, I do not know what to do. I have recently started to withdraw...

Now, we have been back and forth over the possible cheating, I also can hear a woman's voice in the background, that is most likely not the radio- she actully responds to his remarks twice- </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H has NEVER confessed to talking to someone..says he was talking to himself. There is definitely a woman that you can hear on the tape (I had it cleaned up). Not all of the recording is real clear tho, still. He says that I am crazy (well I am, but not about this) and I guess the guy that cleaned up tape is crazy too.

Any way, wanted to show that I can really relate to your post. What to do? Well the signs are definitely there..check everything tho and twice. If he didn't make the charge to hotel, Who did? Does he have a "friend" that he would get a hotel for or let make that charge!! Or is it something that he says shouldn't be on the credit card bill at all, and if so, is he disputing this charge? You really should get a copy of the hotel receipt anyway, if that is the case, to prove that he did NOT sign for it.

I used Plan A and have made SOME changes, but still slip back to old ways sometimes, esp. not enuf Domestic Support. I do ALOT better tho and don't LB nearly as much as before... I thought that if I made him feel safe, he would admit it and we could figure out why and how!!

Like you, I worry so much about the happening again part! And on another thread, it was stated by some wise soul that the WS' affair is a product of their feelings and character, NOT the BS's..although yes we are all responsible for our Ms to a certain extent. And no matter what I change, if my H never said what was bothering him (at least not to me) and always blames me for the majority of it, then what??!

I wish i had better advice for you, but in my opinion, almost 2 yrs later, we are still having alot of problems. Could these problems be better resolved if he had admitted to even an EA? I think so, I cannot figure out how to get past some of these things, and he is still not a part of trying to work on M. It's all the lies that bother me the most! Anyone can mess up. My guess is that your H is basicly a nice guy. So is mine.


Sorry that i couldn't help more, will check back in later.

jls

How did you stick the tape recorder in the car without him seeing, hearing, or noticing it? How did you get it to tape when he was in it and talking? Please explain to me how this works. My HUsbadn has a temper and I would not want to try it out unless it is safe.
Thanks,
Stormy

Hi Pebbles,
How are you? This will bump your post even if it is Threadjacking a bit...sorry.


To answer to dakota's Q:
I bought a small digital recorder at Walmart (they are also available at K-Mart, Officemax, RadioShack, online, and many other places) and set it to Voice activated (yes the radio and other noise will set it off). I threw it under the backseat, wrapped in a towel the first day because I was afraid of getting caught(BIG Mistake, not the best recording, lots of road noise). The second day, I put it in the front, between the passenger seat and console, with the microphone just out of view, but I knew that he wasn't looking for anything like that, I am NOT usually (or didn't use to be, a spy or jealous type)! I made the mistake of confronting too soon, although I felt like I had plenty of evidence that he was talking to someone -honestly thought it was a guy at first, only listened to it once and recording #2 was much clearer, but no woman's voice. Now, I still do this occasionally, but he is suspicious of it because I told him about it. So now, I put it under his front seat (there is a spot between frame and seat that it fits into and is fairly secure) and run the mike up to under seat cover in back and to side of seat. I suggest that when you look at digital recorders that you look at ones with plenty of recording time, because high quality recording is better than long or standard but doesn't record nearly as long. Also, I think that it was Walmart that sells one now (maybe Officemax) that you can transfer recordings directly to computer! This is a very useful feature, as I had to pay to have it transfered to CD, and cleaned up twice. I have done almost as well, in some ways better, cleaning it up myself using Echofilter, bought online. I also hired a PI but he was expensive and incompetent!!

Someday, I will tell my story again and more in full - there were so many clues before and on recorder. So many lies before and after "d-day"!!


Like I told Pebbles, I still know 99.99% that SOMETHING happened, but he will not admit!! The continuing dishonesty is stilting my personal recovery and it is hard to trust judgement again. But I have 2 kids (1 not his, but he has raised her for 10 yrs and her real father is not in pic) and he is so good in so many ways about other things. Limbo-Land sucks, people, I know.

So sorry dakota that you and pebbles are here. And I also believe in intuition to a point, but be careful, depression and panic can help lead to jumping to conclusions...

Reading here for over a year has helped ME more than anything ! IC and MC were basicly a joke - hard to find a good one, if you ask me!!

Feel free to email or IM me with any Qs at pleezmeu2@aol.com

jls

Thanks for the tip. Right now I know my Husband has another women. He goes back and forth between what he wants. If he did come home again I would want a way to check and make sure he was not having any contact with her.