Ok we have decided to have a community thread to help us work on things with the help of all of you.

We have decided as a major rule not to read each others personal threads..This will be the only thread we use together. If you have questions for either Me or FWW please forward them onto either of our threads.

Hope all of you can help us through this. Together with all of you we cannot fail, but only succeed.

MSCHLUTER / CINDY1970

EDITED FOR EMAIL NOTIFICATION--------

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: Cindy1970 ]</small>

Lets hope all of you will help us through this. We both have a long road ahead of us and I want to trust FWW but her actions sometimes make me think twice actually they make me think alot...

Michael and Cindy,

I'm very hopeful for you. I think it's going to be alright.

I'm very honored that I get to post first on your new thread (unless I get long winded and someone beats me to it)

It's odd that I'm even here tonight - I had to come back to work because of a problem.

Let me know if there is anyway that I can help.

OK, here's my one and only piece of advice for tonight - if you two start talking and either one of you feels like it's starting to boil over, just take a break and cool down so that you don't say things that you will regret later. I think you're wise to stay away from heavy subjects for now - just go nice and easy. Try and be each other's friend. It's kind of sad, don't you think, that people come here to this site to talk to someone when they should be talking to their best friend, their spouse.

Michael, it's good that she makes you think - men should do a lot more thinking about their wives and a lot less about things that have no importance whatsoever in the grand scheme of things. I know that's not the kind of thinking that you had in mind but, regardless - that's my response and I'm sticking to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: legato ]</small>

Legato:

Thank you for your kind words and I hope you can offer us both the wisdom you have been so kind to offer me in the past.

Me and Cindy have agreed that none of are seperate threads should have any baring on this thread.

This thread is for us and the community of MB to offer us solutions to to the troubles that follow a new Beginning.

I have my doubts and Cindy understands this all to well.

--------------------------------------------------


Cindy1970:

Tonight you made me feel special you were very caring and understanding and what better way to end a night then with my FWW saying goodnight with an I love you.

I have not always been the best of husbands but my Love for you has never faultered it has grown weak at times and I have gone to places No man should but I am here for you and want this to work.

All I ask is that you be 100% Honest with me and it would make me feel better if you wrote a simple NC letter and sent it to the OM.. I know you told him over the phone but I would feel better if we stuck to the guidlines and you wrote that letter anyway.

I promise to give you the chance to make this all good between us if you can promise me to be 100% honest and not to put yourself in this situation again, easier said then done but possible.

Your a good Mom and it breaks my heart to hear you say your not, You did what you did and we have to move on, You now have the chance to make it alright with me and the children, Actions will speak Volumes where words only fill chapters.

We both realize this will take time and effort and I will not waiver as long as you are standing by my side. I love You.

I hope you can sleep better now that you are back with me and trying...

Michael and Cindy, I have a mile of hope for you.

GC

Cindy and Michael,

I just want to say – I’m so glad you’re both posting here and seek help and support together as well…

Cindy, I’ve only noticed this morning that you’re in fact Michaels W – it was such a big surprise! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I've already posted to you on one of your other threads (before I even knew you’re Michaels W) and I must say, in spite of all the wrong choices and mistakes you’ve made in the past, I could ‘sense’ you are really sincere and also sincere in your efforts to work on yourself and recover this marriage.

Michael, I can see your new strength and positive outlook and I’m glad you see this as a new ‘beginning’ for both of you (together with your new thread as a symbol of this).

Michael and Cindy, I can ‘feel’ you two are going to make it and I have so much hope for both of you (especially after I’ve read the new threads this morning!). I can sense the love between you... I just have a feeling that this is going to be one of the greatest recovery and success stories ever, who knows? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless and best wishes to both of you,
Suzet

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Ok...Today was the start of a good day. I awoke At 6:20 am and made my Daughter breakfast before I had to take her up to the bus, I then Stayed up and made breakfast for Cindy and the boys.

Me and Cindy talked and I explained to her that I have this fear of her falling off the wagon and contacting the OM.

I had a nightmare last night that she was back in contact with OM and that all her efforts are just a ruse to throw me off.

I also explained to Cindy that I don't feel special anymore and that I wonder why when I show up at her Job why she does not hug and kiss me..I don't feel this is a demand only a question as to why?

Cindy also needs to keep up on her communication with me, She does not always tell me whats on her mind, I can tell and I also get the feeling she has things on her mind but does not want to talk to me about them. I feel No Secrets means NO Secrets..

Cindy and Michael,

It is good that you are both posting here. During the start of recovery things will be uncomfortable. Cindy:

One of the things that will help the most in recovery is you talking to your H a lot, especially about what is on your mind and yes, that means even if the OM is on your mind. He can help you with withdrawal and you will go through it. Further, as you two talk about these very painful things, you will come to realize there is little you cannot talk about.

Just remember to protect one another. But you ask "how can we do that and talk about things that hurt the other?" You do it by talking with care, by stopping every now and then to see if the other person is OK. By talking about their feelings after hearing some of the things you each think. You don't do it by avoiding it. You have already found out avoiding the truth and failing to be honest does not protect either of you.

I like the term GRACE Cindy. I would recommend that if you do nothing else handle things with "grace" and you will find Michael responding to you and opening up himself. He has been through alot and he needs to be able to talk to his "best friend". That would be you.

Michael: The same advice goes for you as well. Right now both of you should be completely open books. But you need to protect your W from herself somewhat. You don't realize this but the biggest hurdle in the long run will very likely be her guilt.

Finally, in a year or so when you two are truely getting close to recovered, remember the difference between secrets and privacy. There have been a few long threads here on this and 2Long has some great quotes from a book he read on them. Call him out and ask him about this. Right now, nothing is private and surely no secrets, but as your lives come back into balance learn the difference. There can be no secrets but some privacy must be respected. It is up to the two of you to determine the comfort level, but this is after some very hard, painful, frightening conversations must take place in the months to come.

Oh and Cindy, expect to have to answer the same questions over and over. It is the way of things, but is it the BS's way of regaining trust.

I look forward to see you two post her often and grow into your marriage at last. Cindy, one last thing, as I mentioned on your other thread, you might be really surprised at you marriage now that OM is truely out of it, and he has not been for a long time really.

God Bless Both of YOU,

JL

FWW feels that some of the things I have said in the past are demands, I explained to her that these things were never demands only things I wanted her to take the time and think about.

She was home on lunch and just headed back...I hope she has a strong day, and I hope God guides her into his light...

Ok, I'm posting a lot on this thread because I want to see it succeed, I don't think FWW will post on here as much. I'm hoping none of are personal threads rare there ugly heads on this thread or vice versa..

FWW has called me four times today while at work, this is usually the time she would be calling Om or he would be calling her..

FWW ( Cindy1970 ) --- Thank you for all your efforts and I know we can do this. I love and believe in you.

Michael, don't be defensive about your past mistakes. When something you've said or done felt like an unreasonable demand to Cindy, then it was, whether you meant it to be or not.

When that happens, you shouldn't dismiss your partner's protest. Appreciate how what you said made her feel, regardless of what you meant to say, find out what it was in your communication that made your message come across badly, and learn not to communicate in that way.

GC

((Cindy & Michael))

Wishing you both the very best. Michael, can I offer a tiny bit of advise. Call your wife by Cindy and not FWW...... I, personally, wouldn't like reading that day in and day out....

(((Cindy and Michael)))

good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LostHusband


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can I offer a tiny bit of advise. Call your wife by Cindy and not FWW...... I, personally, wouldn't like reading that day in and day out....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, I will start today with calling her Cindy1970 or just Cindy.


GreyCloud:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Michael, don't be defensive about your past mistakes. When something you've said or done felt like an unreasonable demand to Cindy, then it was, whether you meant it to be or not.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your correct....But I still feel that it's not a demand, Telling my wife to hug me as soon as she walks in the door is a demand, Letting my wife know that hugs help me through the day are just tips to help her help me..LOL

Ok...Your right..I will be more insightful...because I want this to work. I really do..


Cindy:


I know you are having a tough time right now but I wanted you to know that in time I will forgive you, It's hard trusting someone who has hurt me so deeply. I awoke today and asked myself what can I do to make my MArriage better, and breakfast came to my mind..LOL I think my stomack got in the way with that one, But I am trying. I loved the candles the other night they made me feel special and thats the feeling that will help me the most.

I know I ask you questions and I know they are hard on you but these are the things I need.

I do Love you otherwise I would not be here right now. I have doubts but I also have faith in you that you are not going to open this can of hurt again on me and the children, Your children Love you so much and it will take time for them to understand that your actions are what matters not your words. It breaks my heart to see you so sad.

I also feel you need to talk to me more, and that your quiet day's make me feel just as sad because I feel your holding back on me...

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met and in a room full of people my eye's would always be on you and that twinkle you have in your eye when you smile.

I also need to smile more often, I will try harder.

Michael and Cindy: Don't believe I've ever posted to either of you. I've read a few of Michael's poems, but I need to read your story. Time is short for me tonight, but I wanted to let you in on something.

Dday for me was a year ago 2/16. At the one year point I was going to post a big post "what I've learned over the last year." In the end I didn't feel up to it. But one of the biggest things I've discovered is that recovery is so much more likely when both spouses are dedicated to it. It doesn't make it any easier, just the odds are a little more in your favor. My W posts here as well, it is another avenue for us to communicate on. Good luck, I feel that you two will recover your M and build it into something that is much better than what it ever was or what you thought it might become.

God Bless,
RH

Hello Everyone! This is my first time posting on the joint thread. I think Michael has a little more time than I do right now. I can sometimes barely keep up with my own thread.

When I first read this thread I was emotional and I cried. I am amazed at the support that Michael and I are receiving. It's a nice feeling to know that there are caring and concerned people out there that don't even know us. It seems like everyone wants to see us succeed.

To my loving and patient Husband,

I really want to heal the hurt I've caused for you and the children. I love all of you so much. I don't want to believe that I've caused so much pain and yet I have. I cannot change the mistakes I've made and for this I'm sorry. I can only hope that in time, through my actions, that you can forgive me.

I know we have a long road ahead of us and I know it's not always going to be easy. I have to learn not to be so defensive, when you tell me something about how you feel. Sometimes when you tell me things, it comes across as a demand.

I really want to give our marriage the chance it deserves as long as you're still willing. I will give you honesty, real effort and more affection. I want to be friends again. I want us to make each other smile and laugh again. I'm in for the long haul. Are you?

Love,
Cindy

Michael, here is the poem you requested me to post on this thread:

TWO BOXES

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold?
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box, And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day, The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, The black is for you to let go."

To My One True Love,

Yes you have hurt me with your words and your actions but this does not mean that these things can't be repaired with Faith, Trust and Honesty.

I fell in Love with you the first time I met you and have remained in love with you ever since. You always had a way of making me laugh and I used to be able to make you laugh.

The children have been hurt so much by your words and your actions but in time they will see that you have returned to us not only in person but in spirit.

When I look into your eye's I do not see the things you have done, I do not hear the words you have spoken and I do not have images of you and the Om, What I see is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I love the feel of your skin and the warmth of your touch.

I know we have a long road ahead of us but with Faith, Trust and Honesty and God we should be able to make this journey with ease.

I know it scares you to wonder where this journey will take us but fear is one thing I don't have because in the end I know it will end with us Holding hands and loving each other like never before.

You are that one woman who still stirs my insides up, I still get that lump in my throat when you are around, I still feel those butterflies twirl around when I see you, I still get goose bumps when I hear your voice, I Still Love you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really want to give our marriage the chance it deserves as long as you're still willing. I will give you honesty, real effort and more affection. I want to be friends again. I want us to make each other smile and laugh again. I'm in for the long haul.Are you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am still here holding you and loving you, so yes I am in it for the Long Haul. And with your honesty I know we can make it.

I know I also have things to prove, I need to give you the finacial security you deserve and I need to be more open to how you are feeling, These are things that all couples need and want.

I also want to be your friend again, I want you to be able to call me when you have a funny story to tell or when you are having a bad day. I want to be the first person you think of when you have good news to tell someone and I want to be the first person when it is bad.

Remember that night we slow danced in the living room to our wedding song? These are the things I want most.

My love for you can't be broken but it can be hurt. Cindy, I will forgive you in time but it has to be my time and in my way. I hope you can understand this.


Loved you always,
Michael

Ok...I need some advice..

Me and Cindy have been going back and forth about her quitting her job. She is currently the only one bringing in a steady paycheck right now and I understand that.

FWW uses her work phone to make contact with OM and OM has called her at work as well. All of her co-workers ( Six Woman ) all new about FWW Affiar and did nothing short of approving of it because of the way FWW portrayed me. So of Course OM is better then BS.

I do not even like going near her job anymore because I get a sick feeling, Everytime I call her at work I wonder why she has the phone when we have agreed she will make sure one of the other girls has it at all times.

I just get the feeling she is not respecting my boundries on this matter.

I want to trust her and I want to make this work but she still has not agreed to a NC letter and she still fights to keep her job.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated greatly. As I do not want to come across as making a demand.

I do have a job but I am currently out on admistrative leave until HR gets back to me.