Mike,
I know that all this must be sounding so nebulous and frustrating…all these voices explaining what you need to do yet none explaining HOW to go about doing it. And of course for you, how is the real issue at this point. So while I can’t give you the 100% solution maybe I can get you started.

First thing that you need to do is just shut your mouth! LOL That’s right, just stop asking questions, debating issues or saying anything that may be construed to be negative. To do this, you need to make a conscious decision to identify those moments when you are about to initiate a conversation or about respond negatively to remarks Cindy may make. Then stop yourself cold. It’s that easy. You just shut your mouth! And if you find you’re in a state of anger, you simply turn and walk away! And you do it no matter what the provocation! It takes two to argue so just don’t get into it. How important is this? Guess? This is the beginning of you taking back control of you.

Second, learn to listen! And that means you don’t listen with the intention of responding to what ever she may be saying. Instead you listen and just keep your mouth shut. You offer no argument, criticism or advice. You just listen. And Mike, you will be shocked at what you will begin to hear! LOL

Next, make an agreement with Cindy that you two will only discuss relationship issues during which you will be able to ask affair related questions for two hours, once a week. Stipulate to the time this will take place and then agree to not miss this time for any reason. Have the kids out of the house and turn of the phone. Assure Cindy; no make that a solemn promise to Cindy, that no matter what she may tell you, she will not be punished for being truthful with you. Further that you will not use what she tells you against her at some future date. However, her end of the bargain is to answer all your questions honestly and with no equivocation. And that she will do so no matter how many times you repeat the same question. Further, this is the only time that she can bring up issues regarding your behavior that she is finding difficult to live with. (By the way, don’t waste the two hours arguing! Instead listen and learn from each other. Learn to state your terms in non-confrontational ways..learn to communicate!)

Next, agree that for the rest of the week, the two of you will devote yourself to re-establishing a feeling of normalcy in your lives. Agree, however, that in doing so, Cindy must understand that she will have to make allowances for trust issues and be willing to forgo any activity that will create problems for you in this area. Give her examples then ask her to give you examples in return. This is important! She needs to participate. More important still, this needs to become her mind set. She needs to get herself to the point where she is considering all her actions in terms of how you may view them and if she finds them questionable, well then they shouldn’t be done!

Agree to spend the recommended 15 hours a week together doing nothing other then things that you both find fun and pleasurable. Learn to enjoy each other again.

Agree that for a stipulated period of time, neither one of you will do anything after hours accept come home. Further neither one of you will have lunch dates or participate in anything social with a member of the opposite sex. Even more, that neither of you will discuss your relationship with any third party unless they have professional credentials.

And as for NC, Cindy must agree to not have any kind of communication ever again in this life time with the OM or any one else for that matter, that she ever participated in something questionable with. This includes, telephone call, e-mail, IMing, tom toms, mirrors or anything else. NC means just that! NO CONTACT! If he calls, she hangs up saying nothing! If he e-mails, she deletes with out reading. If he IMs she disconnects. If he walks into a room, she leaves.

Lastly get MCing. I recommend the good folks from this site. They saved my marriage and that’s saying something. I am after all, not the most reasonable of men from time to time.

So Mike, this is a start. If you guys can manage this much I have more. In fact I’ve written a covenant that my wife and I both signed but you have to get to that page first.

So let me know what you think or is you have any questions.

Good luck.
Coach

Mike & Cindy

My h Aussie & I have been doing the same thing and it does work. Keep that promise not to read the others post I found it very important and do so even now.

The other thing I'd say is Mike do not try to protect Cindy from your anger & harsh words - within reason of course - which will come despite the love and work on your M.
Cindy understand that he will have deep deep anger and hurt he cannot express any way but with hard words.

If there is one thing that I feel is very important to both of you with the love, the anger the hurt, the pain..just be gentle to each other even when angry going through this, THINK abou the words you going to say whenever possible. Also understand that BOTH of you will fail in being/doing all that is recommended at times. Do the best you can & dont be frightened to ask for help from here from your MC if you have one [and you should] an IC, whoever.

Cindy if you want to talk email away or post as I know its very hard to be open with those who have not been where you have...at least it was for me.

my best wishes to you both YOU will get through this together I'm sure.

[[[[Mike & Cindy]]]]

Cindy,

These forums are much more difficult for the wayward spouse to read then for the betrayed spouse so I understand your reluctance to spend much time here.

For the record, I can understand that you are able to drop the OM and proceed with life without feeling the depressing effects of withdraw. You say this is the case, so I will take it at face value that this is indeed the truth. This is a very fortunate thing. Very positive. What it means is that your emotional attachment to these OM never fully developed. Cindy, I suspect that you were drawn into the excitement of a developing relationship with these OM. As that relationship evolves its attraction for you begins to fade and you look for the next opportunity. Am I at all close?

To help heal your marriage it is important that you begin to understand the root cause of what made you feel that you could stray. I’m not suggesting that we go into some kind of childhood therapy analysis or anything like that. The causes that I suggest that you examine are of a much simpler nature. They have to do with the things that are the most important to you, your “emotional needs”. You have likely already gleaned from this web site much information regarding “emotional needs”. Perhaps you have been told that these affairs happen because the OM is meeting your most important emotional needs. There is much truth in that analysis, but there is more.

The interesting thing about a person’s most important emotional needs is that they are also that person’s greatest weaknesses. Think about that statement for a moment. Your most important emotional needs are also your greatest weakness. This is true for everybody Cindy. In marriages that have been made “affair proof”, both spouses have learned to “protect their weaknesses”. That is, they don’t allow others access to their greatest weaknesses. I hope that you consider to carefully examine yourself to determine what your greatest weaknesses were and what you did to allow others to access those weaknesses.

Consider yourself blessed with some of the fine advice that you are receiving in this thread. Some of these forums wisest posters have come to your aid. They have discussed the importance of having a “plan” to bring about a recovery. I believe that a well thought plan is a “key” in a healthy recovery. You both have been given many of the important aspects that a good recovery plan should include.

We talk often in these forums of the importance of insuring that the wayward spouse does the things that allow the betrayed spouse to ALWAYS feel “safe”. In your case “safe” means that whatever is happening during any day Mike will NEVER have reasons to doubt your sincerity to recover. Mike will support these efforts and he will provide you feedback to always let you know how your plan is working. Your “plan” will insure that this is always the case. If you do this you will reap huge dividends and your love for each other will grow and pave the way for recovery.

Cindy, the “plan” that is being discussed is YOUR plan. You need to be the author. You are the one that will primarily carry out the day to day duties of implementing the plan. Without you, there can be no plan. Mike should review YOUR plan and let you know if it contains the elements that will make him feel “safe” as that is the purpose of the plan.

If Mike always feels safe, good things will come.

Best of luck,

Mr. G

Hi Everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I truly appreciate all the sound advice that's been given. I realize that you're taking time from your day to respond and I am thankful.

I haven't been on to respond for a few days because Thursday night I had a horrible headache and Friday night I was just too tired. I started to respond yesterday, but then somehow I managed to lose it all and at that pont I was too frustrated to start over. So here I am now. Mike seems to think that I don't care about our M or this site. That is NOT the case at all. I don't know how everyone can be so committed. I know Mike is on here a lot. I guess I need to be better disciplined at managing my time.

--------------------------------------------------

Suzet*

I love the poem you posted. It's so appropriate. It reminds me of Footprints in the Sand.

--------------------------------------------------

On to the issue of the NC letter. I told Mike on Wednesday night (March 2nd)that I DO NOT have a problem with writing one. I told him to hook up the printer. So I was a little confused that he posted that I refuse to write one. His response to me was that he didn't hear me. I will write the letter as soon as he hooks up the printer.

--------------------------------------------------

On to the issue about me having the phone in my possession on this particular day that Mike posted (Thursday, March 3rd). He told me to give him a call if I got the chance. I had the time, so I called him. Then I had asked him to give me a call back in 5 or 10 minutes. He calls back, but asks why I have the phone and not one of the other employees. If I know he's going to call me back, why would I send the phone down to the other girls? It doesn't make any sense to do that if he's calling me back.
Granted, this is how the OM and I communicated. I've told Mike that if I really want to call the OM, I will find a way no matter how or what. Besides, he tells me that the work phone is tapped. Anyway, I don't want anyone to think that I want to call the OM because I don't. The last time I called the OM was last Thursday, Feb. 24th in the presence of Mike. It was a short phone call to see if he still had something of mine. I realize that it's not a long time of nc.

--------------------------------------------------

On to the issue about me quitting my job. As Mike has stated, he's out on leave and has not been paid for it. I am the only one bringing in a weekly paycheck. I don't make enough to pay all the bills but it sure puts food on the table and pays a few of the small bills. I don't have a problem leaving my job once Mike is back to work.

NOODLE:

Did you read what I just posted above? If I leave my job now, while Mike is receiving nothing, who is going to feed my children and pay the small bills? If you're wealthy and you don't mind financially supporting my family in addition to your household, please feel free to support my family.

--------------------------------------------------

noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The question is not "Are Ms boundaries reasonable"..his behavior is not in question.

The question is, are you willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to recover this marriage.

If the answer is no..then admit it.

If the answer is yes..then you have a couple of letters to write, haven't you?

One NC to OM.

One of resignation.

You created the need for these letters, and your reluctance to face the music [not to be confused with punative action..no, this is purely natural consequence] suggests that you are not entirely sincere..not entirely remorsefull.

--------------------------------------------------


Yes I am willing to do whatever to takes to recover my marriage. I will write the NC letter as soon as Mike hooks up the printer. I will leave my job as soon as Mike knows what's going on with his.

I am facing the music everyday. I am very sincere and remorsefull.

Cindy....
I don't have any specific advice for ya right now, just putting in an offer to help you through this if you want it. I'm a FWW....Recovering H is my husband. We are one year past d-day, and doing really well. (No, it wasn't easy!) ANyway, it can be really rough posting and reading as a FWW....and don't beat yourself up for not posting and reading as much as some others....it does take up a LOT of time to be on here. Only you can decide how much is right for you. RH and I used to communicate through this forum quite a bit in the beginning, and it worked for us...less threatening than face-to-face, plus everyone else kinda served as "referees" in a sense. So it was very helpful to me.
Just wanted to put myself out here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NOW

StandingTogether

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Michael,

I can hear your frustration & let me say, my H & I went through this part of it too. Every time I would tell my H I was having a bad day, he would get this look on his face & tell me, I'm here, doesn't that mean anything? His point was that if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be. And my point was, Just reassure me! Both of us were frustrated.

My H also did not write a NC letter. He didn't understand the point to it. He was of the notion that if he wanted to contact her, he would, regardless of what any letter had to say. I explained my point to him that it was part of the process & would be a huge sign for me that he was serious about this NC. He didn't write the letter. And it's been over a year.

Cindy might be thinking that she doesn't know how to help you. I know my H was like that. He still doesn't know how to deal w/it sometimes. When I face triggers, there for a while, it was a lot, right around Christmas, he didn't know what to say, what to do, to take my pain away. WS's cause a lot of pain to their BS & then when they finally face what they have done, sometimes the guilt is so overriding that they don't know how to handle it. It's very possible that Cindy didn't know how to react to your rough day.

Cindy, my suggestion, if this is how you're feeling, is listen to him. Listen to him express his feelings & then reassure him that you aren't going anywhere. The next time he is having a rough day, maybe ask him how you can help. What does he need from you at that moment to reassure him that NC is still in place & that you do love him?

I don't know what else to tell you at this point, so I'll end here, but just wanted you both to know that we're all in your corner & will help you as much as we can so you guys can heal from this & grow in your M, loving each other more & more every day.

Love in Christ,
Y

--------------------------------------------------

We are definitely having a rough time right now. When he has a rough moment, sometimes I don't know how to help him or what to say. It's very frustrating for me as well. I know I have caused him a lot of pain during the course of 9 months. I wish I had a magic wand to erase all the pain I've caused. I do reach out to him to reassure him that I'm here and that I do love him. I am going to stick to NC with the OM. I am very sincere to my thoughts and feelings about recovering my M. Only my actions and time is going to prove that to Mike. TIME is the key word. What more can I do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Only my actions and time is going to prove that to Mike. TIME is the key word. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You hit the nail right on the head there. This is exactly what my H has done w/in the past yr, & we are so much better now than we were. I think what bothers a lot of BS's is the fact of the deceit behind everything. The lies. Once those lies are in the open, and there aren't any more, and the truth just keeps on coming, the trust is slowly earned back. Just remember to be very truthful to him, not holding anything back. Some things he's probably not going to like hearing, but that's where his issue comes in -- learning to be able to hear things he doesn't really want to hear.

I believe you when you say that you don't think about the OM unless Michael brings him up b/c my H is the same way. In fact, I think a lot of the way you're feeling is exactly, almost word for word, things my H said to me when we first reconciled.

Love in Christ,
Y

Cindy,

Sorry for the slow reply, I haven't checked this thread in a while.

So..here's the real story. It isn't so much about the particulars..which is why it is so difficult to post..say..a list of what a person ought to do.

There are a few exceptions to this, the NC letter is one such example. Basically it is about an attitude of contrition. When that is in place you really focus on different parts of an equation. This is why it is fairly easy to spot when this attitude is not in place [not saying that you are NOT contrite or remorsefull..but that your attitude, your approach to life and perspective on things does not clearly reflect it in your initial position on these two topics]. For example...If M were to say.."C, I'm really uncomfortable with you remaining at this job..when you go I feel nervous and ill..sick and angry, I do not see how we can recover while you are still employed there"..there are two ways to process that. The contrite person who recognizes that THEY and no one else have CAUSED this to happen will focus on the first part. The part where M says I feel sick, angry, hurt..etc. That attitude will allow you to see that not only have you hurt M..you are continuing to hurt him..and care. The WS attitude only hears an ultimatum or demand. "Why should I quit MY job just because YOU are insecure?" is the response of nonacceptance of responsibility and disbelief in the gravity of the offense. Your initial response was a lot closer to the latter than the former.

Now, on to practical things. Will I be writing you a check to walk my talk? No can do..because we are LIVING the very advice I have given. We are taking a financial hit that most can just barely comprehend. H has taken to heart..that the continued exposure and separations trigger and hurt me, and we are doing a 180 from our plan. In order to do this we lose everything that we have worked for and begin again.

I said I would be practical and I am. I couldn't have the result the instant I wanted it. As a matter of fact I have had to wait for nearly a year, and I still have months to go. H has a contract that CAN not be breached..so we must fulfill it. I accept that. As I said..it is the attitude that signals the necessary change. Perhaps in your own situation, if you were to diligently..faithfully..actively pursue another job..as well as make a formal and public apology to M with your co-workers/affair supporters as audience, M might be edified. Amends may have been made to the greatest extend feasable, if you know what I mean.

Practical does not mean that you will not suffer loss. Practical does not mean that you will not have to live in a one bedroom apt..or work at taco bell. The acceptance of this..lies in the discovery, that while your dalliences with OM[s] may have been rooted in fantasy..the offense and the consequences are VERY real. It will affect you in every area that you allowed seepage to occur. If your place of employment had not been a place of contact and support, do you think it would be in question? Does M WANT to deal with financial loss as well as everything else? Of course not. So resistance is direct resistance to the REALITY of the fallout of your choices.

What you seem to be missing here..is the great blessing of having a spouse who not only is willing to forgive this horrid, vicious betrayal..but is also willing to stand at your side and suffer the real life consequences right along with you. He is willing to have his standard of living diminished so that you can have a chance to reclaim your status. How gracious that is. How merciful. That he has given any consideration to your feelings at all in the matter. That you are even welcome in the home without having demonstrated that you are bringing anything to the table but more hardship and conflict. So much is being taken for granted.

When you get to the point of rebuilding the marriage..I think that is the point at which things like POJA apply. Right now you are more or less just trying to identify the bodies in the streets. You have to bury the dead before you rebuild the city.

Noodle

WOW!!

Cindy actually posted and it only took her over five hours..LOL..

I will say that I understand she has a very busy schedule these day's and things have been kind of rough around here.

We have not had any late night throw down arguements and when we do get a little heated, I walk away and ask her to just stop. She will then come up to me either within minutes or 20 minutes later and tell me she Loves me.

I wanted to take this time and answer some of the responses to this thread. and then I will follow up with how I am doing and what I want out of this.


This is a long post so please be understanding and read all of it. I like to write and I'm trying to compete with windbag NCWALKER ....ROFLMAO


top rope :


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just wanted to give you "props" for reaching out to help someone else (down on the recovery board)...even though your own situation is still less then you'd like it to be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you Top Rope, I know my situation is far from perfect but I also feel if you have the antidote for a disease, why hide it, better to share it and just maybe you can save one if not many.



gentlsoul :


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God is always right there with you Mike. If you are choosing to try at this marriage, it means letting down your guard a bit and being a good listener - to both Cindy and God. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I try to listen but all I hear is static....LOL


Just Learning :


Thank you for all your posts and I see what your saying, It's just learning to put all of this wonderful advice into use, where to start, how to start, it's so hard. Somedays I think the A was easier to deal with then the recovery...


NCWALKER: Posted


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mike,

It is OK.

You are not faulty, you are not built wrong or wired wrong.

You have gone through trauma and your feelings are jumbled.

THAT IS OK. One of you biggest fights coming is the self-blame fight for all this.

All I am trying to say, is IF you let the emotions steer the ship, they will crash you on the reef.

It is NORMAL and NATURAL to have them.

As children, every new pain we encounter...
...first burn
...fisrt skinned knee
...first dentist visit
...first innoculation
ends up being "the worst pain ever."

And we learn, through experiencing pain, that it really isn't the worst pain ever.

By the same mechanisim, this too will subside.

What is the mechanisim? Time. Wish I had a magic wand.

Hang in there. For the next month, if your FEELINGS are telling you to do something, STOP and ask your head if it is something you really want to do.

Go get a piece of purple yarn (God's regal color) and tie it around your wrist to remind you.

While your at it, go get a piece of red yarn (God's blood color, the color of forgiveness) and tie it around your wife's wrist. Tell her that forgiveness is possible and this is to remind her of that.

Then APOLOGIZE for the mistakes in advance that you are going to make.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once again NC you make it sound so much simpler then it really is...If I had a piece of yarn it would be to hang myself from the tree of Life...LOL


UPDATE:


AWESOME!!!!!!!!


Me and Cindy went out today for a couple hours just to do some window shopping and then we stopped and a local Perkins and had some chow. We talked about things here and there , really nothing to deep and nothing to mellow.

Everytime I look at her I see this incredible woman who I Love so much. I can't even explain to what depths she touches my heart. It's a Love like No other and yet I have so much trouble getting her to understand it or to even believe in it.


CINDY:


I love you so much and I don't want to hold onto this pain anymore, I promise to listen more and talk less. I promise to Love you always and to be a better man and a better husband.

I will do anything and everything to save this Marriage and make us a much stronger couple. I just need to know this is really what you want, I need to be shown that your in it for the long haul.

Last night I had a dream we were walking through a park holding hands and laughing, In my dream we seemed so much happier. In the background I kept hearing this voice calling us as we talked and laughed. I remember in my dream how beautiful you looked in the afternoon sun and how you smiled with such happiness. Halfway through are walk we sat down at a bench and talked about how happy we were then out of the Blue this little girl with dark curly hair came running up hugging us and telling us she was having a super day and that she loved us..This little four yr old wonder was our Daughter...

I woke up from that Dream Happy...The first time in Months..

You asked in one of your post's if I am in it for the Long Haul, and the only answer I can give is YES, I am in it for the long Haul, why else would I still be going through with all of this.

Yes you tore my Heart in Half, Yes you killed me with Lie's, Yes you Broke me down to where I did not even want to live anymore.

You ask what can I do to help him...

Here's the answer to the test:


1) Listen and Don't Judge

2) Hold me but do not hurt me

3) Forgive me and Mean it.

4) Be faithful and yet true to yourself

5) Understand me, But don't beat yourself up.

6) Work with me and not against me.

7) LOVE ME and I will Love you ten times more.

8) Have faith in me And I will Have trust in you.

9) Be Honest and I will Have Faith

10) Love Me and I will Have Faith, Trust and Honesty within me for you.


Cindy you are my gift from God and within that gift you have given me three very wonderful children.


Love Always and Forever

Michael~~


==================================================


CoACH:


I need your help breaking down a Plan that will work for me and Cindy. Maybe I am just a little on the slow side but I am drawing blanks on how to even start or where to begin.

Mike,
Go back and read my last post. I gave you a blue print not only in terms of behavior on your part but on creating a kind of structure that should work for both of you. The key to making this work isn’t prosing promises of undying love and commitment. It’s in living a life of love and commitment! Talking don’t get it done! Doing it gets it done.

Do you understand the difference? Saying it is nice but doing it makes it so. In my post, I tried to give you practical actions to take that will get you two moving in the right direction. Re-read my last post and begin there. If these simple pro-active measures work for you then as a follow up I have a more complicated covenant that should seal the deal. But first get your selves moving in the right direction. If you two continue to try going forward with no structure in place, I truly don’t believe you’ll make it.

Guys, its work time. Its time to face the issues together, and make decisions about how things are going to be done from now on. To begin, critique what I wrote you and let’s discuss your feelings.

One last thought, this now becomes an exercise in togetherness! You need to be doing this together. Working together to come to an understanding on when, where and how. No matter how difficult establishing a consensus may be, working through it together will be to be as much of a solution to your problem as the solution that you two are working toward.

Coach

Mike,

Will keep this short just to spite you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your task is "Repair your marriage." That is NOT simple.

You have to follow Coach's advice, break it down into a plan, then do each little step. Then it will be a lot of simple things.

NCW

Coach:


Sorry for being so dense, Have had a rough couple day's and I'm also on the campaign trail for a new job. I actually have two interviews set up this week with two local retailers in my area. Market for me is looking good. ( Retail General Manager ) <---- Big Boxes.


I had such a good day with Cindy yesterday but there were things that bothered me. Here we are driving down the road and she looks over at xyz buidling and out of the Blue tells me thats where OM used to work and that he also used to have his own business but that it failed because of finacial issues...


I did not say anything to her at the time because I was so pizzed at her even bringing his name up while we were spending time together.

So last night Were sitting at the table and I'm looking at the paper and I see an ad for a sales person at xxx-xxxx number and I was like, hmmmm is OM's Company hiring and she says no his work number starts with XXX , And she goes on to say that the ad must be for a competitor called Ace...

I was just like DUHHHHH, Her simple statement told me in so few words just how much talking her and OM have done, She even understands who his company competes with for business. This is a woman who on any given day never took three seconds to care about what I do on my job, And yet she took the time and cared enough to listen to OM...

I was just so shocked. This all sounds so petty I know, but It just brings to my mind so much more.

Cindy I think is serious about saving the Marriage and she even said you told me that if I am having an OM day I can talk to you about it, I tried explaining to her the diffrence between sitting down with me and calling me to talk about Om and her just out of the blue throwing it at me.

I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I told CIndy everything that bothers me about Her and the OM and even the things that bothered me about her.

I have for a long time noticed that Cindy needs the Attention of the male species to feel attractive. She needs to know that all eyes are on her, It is not enough that My eye's never leave her and will always find her in a room full of people.

I did not explode or yell, I just told her we need to get some kind of Planner and start putting together a plan to save this Marriage and even set up dates and such, I told her that we will never make it the way we are going.

She told me that I don't listen to her, And I felt bad because that was one of those things she said led her to an A in the first place.

I told her I will lsiten more but right now we need a plan..

Well this is more of the Vent kind of post...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hi Michael & Cindy,

I agree with you Michael.I mentioned to Cindy before about "unloading".Hearing things about the OM can be painful for you so it's important,I think,to have a safe time and place to discuss him and the A aspects.Not just any ole time, especially if it's during a time you two are bonding again.

Michael,just let Cindy know that to feel safe(r),you need to plan together when to talk about certain things so you won't feel ambushed.

JMHO.Good luck!

O

Michael...

WAP! WAP! WAP!

If you get angry, don't get angry. Say to Cindy, "I'm getting angry. Let's you and me figger out why."

It may feel more natural to get mad, maybe sulk. And doing what feels natural is what got the two of you in this mess.

GC

Mike,
Look, putting a plan together is intended to deal with just these very kinds of issues. How can she know what bothers you unless you tell her? But Mike it isn’t enough to just tell her. It’s about how you tell her. It’s about her feeling safe enough to tell you what she needs to say as well.

To be successful in a relationship people have to be tuned to each other so that they begin to sense what it is that is going to create havoc, one to the other. Yet, we all know that certain things need to be said anyway, no matter how unpleasant, so its more then a little important to find a way to say these things so that the tone of the message doesn’t take the focus away from the message itself. I.e. Cindy discusses OM at an inopportune moment destroying your mood. You can either respond by yelling at her, pouting or whatever or you can just listen, attribute her lack of sensitivity to ignorance and at the right time, (a time set aside for such discussion) explain to her (explaine! Not yell, whine or scream) what she did and why you found it obnoxious. In this way she hears the message and not the anger.

Are you beginning to see now why reconciliation is called work? Do you see how elemental your attention to detail needs to be? Well to simplify the process you use a plan. You create a time and place for things to take place and you avoid allowing things to happen outside the plan so as to avoid misunderstandings. There’s nothing wrong with calling to Cindy’s attention the fact that it hurts you to know how interested she was in the OM’s business life while never showing the same interest in yours. But if given the opportunity to address the issue, Cindy may well have a very good explanation. And wouldn’t it be good if she could feel safe enough to tell it to you with out fearing the wrath of your temper or having to see you go into a deep emotional decline over hurt feelings? Do you see my point?

Look, use what I’ve given you to this point and put a plan together. Discuss it with Cindy. Work on with her! Do it together! Get her input! Make it a project! Do it together! This is what it takes to make it work. Love and kisses are fine but to get things working it means that you two have to structure your lives and it can’t be you or her making arbitrary decisions or demands on one another. It needs to be the two of you working on it together.

Mike how else do I say this to you? Get started. And by the way, if you want something that will help you deal with the pain, this is it! Working with her on something constructive will cause your focus to be where it needs to be instead of on the anger and resentment. Just try it. The hardest part is getting started.

Let me know if I can help.
Coach

Update:


Well we were without power for almost 36 hours because of being broke..But I managed and made some calls and we have lights again.

I had a very rough day though yesterday and I took a lot of my frustrations out on Cindy which led her to say some horrible things, She even took off her ring and threw it at me.

Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows..


We ended up salvaging the night, We took the kids to Tim Hortons and got some Hot cocp and coffee and went back to the house where we sat around a candle lit table and fir the first time in months Laughed as a family and actually listened to each other.

No tv, No Music, No PC, No Lights......


Maybe it was ablessing in disguise.

Today we have had an ok day, Cindy stayed home from work because she wanted to be with us until the power got turned back on.

Really good news....

My Company sent me a letter and they are restoring me to my salaried position and I should be returning back to work by Monday of next week. Now if I can just get them to pay me the six weeks back pay.....Thats almost $4,000 and boy could we use it..


Well I better go..


Cindy:

Thank you for listening and I am sorry for having such a bad day..

Michael,

It's good to hear that you had a positive experience although under negative circumstances. As you said, sometimes blessings come disguised. May I also suggest that, since you're having a hard time finding God in all of this, that you take a few more of those family times w/no PC, TV or whatever & focus on reading passages from the Bible together as a family? I did this w/my kids while my H & I were separated & it helped us keep our focus on God & behaving in a manner acceptable to Him.

Just be prepared for these good days, bad days ups & downs. They're going to happen & all you can do is hang on for dear life until the rollercoaster slows down. It's a rough ride but eventually you can get off the ride.

Prayers to you,
Y

I'm going out tomorrow to buy some kind of Planner so me and Cindy can come up with a plan we both agree on and can look at and help us put together dates and times we can meet to talk...

Update:


Well still have those crazy doubts about me and Cindy but the Love I feel for her keeps shinning through. I'm starting to think she really does regret all of this A business and wants to be a real family with a stronger Marriage.

It's scary when you have to trust someone.. I can still see that fear in my childrens first steps but with me holding them they felt safe taking those steps and I guess thats what I have been looking for in Cindy, Her holding me while I make these steps to trust her..