Thank you,

Cindy is still up in the air about even wanting the marriage. She told me it has nothing to do with OM and that if she leaves it's because of us not OM.

Thanks for your reply buddy and you as well are in my prayers.

Well Not sure where me and Cindy are going these days but one thing is for sure I feel better about where I am at right now.

Cindy seems to have a lot of doubts about us or maybe it's just doubts about herself.

I don't know how to make her feel better about what she has done or about what she wants.

I do know that if she were to move out and leave me to raise these three wonderful children -- I will do just fine and find happiness in who I am.

My time with the MC helped me realize who I am and who I want to be. I see it either as something Cindy wants to grow and flourish with me me or something I can grow on my own.

I do wish her the best of luck in what ever she so shooses to do and hopes she understands that I will forever love and take care of my children and that I will forever love her even in setting her free to be with OM or just with herself.

Life is short

Smile more, let go of that pain, LEt go of that hurt. It only seems to hold us back from what and who we are.

I am glad I got rid of all the anger and the hate and the resentment. I can't show her how I see things because the eye's I see through are just to new to even understand.

God Bless you all.

Stay strong bro.

What you are saying sounds familiar to me. I am pulling for you 2 to get through it and mend your family.

I might be speaking to soon, not sure. Even so, I am starting to see the pay off for doing my best to stay strong. I've seen a 180 turn of thought in my baby in the last week or so. Took 7 months. Felt like 7 years, but I know you know how that feels.

Greergan:

I so happy for you. I hope these changes are for the better and get only better.

Cindy has so much pain and hurt in her. Some of it has to do with the husband I used to be and some of it has to do with the fact that I caused her A to end before it should have.

She seems so very confused. I am at the point where I don't even ask anymore about OM. I just don't care to carry that burden anymore the cross is to heavy to carry.

I'm willing to work on this M and be the best husband I can be. And all I want from her is Loyalty and Love, Not the hardest things to give to someone if thats what you really want.

As of last night I told her in plain english that I love her but if she does not want this M then she needs to be the strongest she can be and move on. I told Her I will never hate her nor could I ever be her friend again.

As of right now I told her to take a few days and think over what she really wants. She has to decide to either stay with me and the kids, Chase the OM again or move out to her Dads and find happiness in solice.

Either way she has to make a choice. I told her that when we return to MC on Wed, I will be able to sit there and look at MC and tell him i'm doing Great and feel great, can U? she started crying.

I told her that she needs to stop crying and figure out her life soon. I told her that I will take good care of the kids.

I asked her to look me in the eyes and tell me,

1) Have I been nasty to you

2) Have I hurt you

3) Have I picked a fight

4) Am I mean

5) DId I call you any names

6) have I yelled at you

And she could not say I have been any of these things.

MC made it clear that regardless of Cindy it's up to me to either save the M or move on knowing I have tried.

I know I have tried. Life goes on. If she should leave I will raise my treasures to know they are treasures, And she knows this.

I hope you find this feeling in you and I really do hope your Baby stays loyal and safe in your arms.

Mike,

You are getting the hang of this, and as you can see YOU are more at peace with things. That has to help your children, and it will help Cindy. Whatever decisions she makes, she will do it now without prompting from you. You cannot be the blame for them either. They are hers to handle.

I do hope that eventually she will see you as the correct and best choice, but that truely is her call as you have said. Know that you have done as good a job as you could.

God Bless,

JL

Cindy at this time wants to work on things. I am not going to put my full trust into her until I see more of a commitment from her.

When I say commitment: I mean the abilty to continue with MC until she feels she can look at me with no hate , No anger and tell me the truth, the truth being:

Yes I want this Marriage or No I need to find my own peace in the world on my own.

Thats all I want.

Any advice: Anyone

Dunno, Michael.

Where do her anger and hate come from? And what purpose do they serve for her.

Find the anlage of this thing, the root. What is her problem? On the simplest level, what is her problem?

GC

Michael,
About the only thing our MC said that made any sense was:

My WW's anger could be coming from Depression.

I've read a lot of your posts, but I can't say I'm all that familiar with the whole story.
Is Cindy on AD's? Has the subject come up at all?

To answer the both of you. I have no idea. When we went to MC again on Thursday she seems to hide it so well.

She tells me that she will give the Marriage a chance but can't promise anything. She also told me that she does not know if she will ever be in love with me.

Cindy is not on AD's and yes we have talked about her getting on them but like everything she pushes it off.

we have another MC on saturday,

Me i'm doing great. and feel great. I now know I can't stop Cindy from Cheating or contacting OM all I can do is set my boundry and protect myself from any fallout that may happen if she were to make contact.

I made it very clear to Cindy in front of the MC that if she has any contact and I mean any contact with Om it's over the day I confront her.

I asked the MC if this was a fair boundry and he told me yes and even asked Cindy if she understands this boundry and she told him she does. She then told MC that she really is done with OM and just wants to get back to the basics and see if she can love me.

The MC asked Cindy if she trusts herself not to call OM and she said yes because she has so much to lose.

The night before MC she asked me if I would let her visit OM once a month and I laughed and told her Heck No if thats what she really wants then she should move out right away. when I told MC what she said he asked her if this was true and she said yes. He asked her why she asked such a thing and she really did not have an answer.

I told Cindy later that night that she needs to make a choice before it's to late, she tells me she is willing to work on the M and I told her that great but is she just working on the M knowing she won't keep any of her promises or is she working on the M just to feel better about her efforts knowing they have no fruit to them.

I told her I feel like she is planting a tree that will bare no fruit because she has no notion on how to love it and nurish it.

Update:

My Boss offered me the DM position in Florida at 92k a yr with full relocation. Cindy told me she has no intentions of moving to Florida because of where we are at in the M and how she feels. My Boss wants an answer by the middle of next week. He assures me if I turn this down he will make it happen again here in Rochester in 8 months when the Dm now moves to Woodbridge. Just in case your wondering my Boss knows everything about me and my wife and has been a great support. He even gave me a long weekend off this week so I can focus on what I want.

The kids have already told Cindy that they want to live with me and I know this hurts her.

I love Cindy but I also feel that love drifting away every time she makes a remark about never loving me and everytime she tells me she does not think she can.

She has told me she still has feelings for OM but that they are pointless because he does not feel the same way about her and that he is just as done with the A as she is.

The new house if I take it, is just ten houses away from where OM works. and Cindy is home alone from 9:00 am - 12:00 noon.

I dont even call her anymore because I realize it is pointless and makes her feel checked on. It has been a couple weeks since I have even talked about her and OM unless it has been with the her and the MC.

Any thoughts would be helpfull.

^^^BUMP^^^^

Anything

Have you discussed moving w/the MC? How do the kids feel about moving? Would you legally be able to move the kids out of state away from mom?

Sorry for the questions but you need to calmly think this through and decide what is best for your family.

Cindy,

If you are reading this, my intention is not to trivialize your feelings but to hopefully help you open your eyes to the truth. Cindy have you thought for a minute that you may be suffering from the old 'People are attracted to that which they can't have'? You and the OM have enough chance to succeed at a marriage as I have expecting to win the mega jackpot at a casino. Whether or not you beleive it, the brutal truth is that the OM USED YOU without any regards to your H, your children and YOUR wellbeings. The sooner you accept this truth about him the sooner your in-love feelings for him will end. Good luck.

TMCM

Faithfull Follower Asked:

Have you discussed moving w/the MC? How do the kids feel about moving? Would you legally be able to move the kids out of state away from mom?


Yes, I discussed it with the MC and he told me if it's what I have to do to find my own happiness then thats what I should do.

The kids are so tired of Cindy and Om that at this point they just want to get out of Rochester and away from the daily reminder of her and the OM like me.

According to my Lawyer I can move the kids any where I want as Long as the kids are ok with the move and I do have full custody of the children so in short, Yes I can legally move them out of state.


UPDATE:

Cindy seems to want to work on the M again and to see where it takes us. I told her I'm not looking for a guarentee that we make it only some kind of effort on her part. And that if she can't then just to let me and the kids go find happiness elsewhere. I even told her if OM is what she wants then she should chase it but she say's she does not want or need the om and that if she should leave it's because of us not him.

She seems to be doing better now that we are seeing an MC.

No AD's yet but hopefully soon for Cindy.


is this normal for a couple in recovery to be going through the ups and downs.

I also wonder if it's normal for a bs to feel less love for the ws once things get back to some kind of normal.

Obviously, I have never been in a true recovery (many false ones though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)but from what I have seen on this board what you are describing IS normal. Recovery is a bigger rollercoaster than the A itself and yes, I do believe once you lose the adrenaline of fighting so hard for your WS you may feel like you have lost some love. I believe though Michael that what you really lost was that adrenaline and some respect for your W. Glad the MC is helping.

Short answer -- yes, it is normal for ups & downs in recovery. Me & lost_boyz have had plenty. There have been moments when I have felt indifferent toward him, toward the M & he also gets frustrated w/me sometimes b/c of course, he just wants to "forget" it all happened, but at the same time, realizes that we can't do that.

It does get better w/time as long as BOTH parties want to give it a go. It takes a LOT of patience, prayer & talking to each other. It takes understanding on BOTH parties & a LOT of room for mistakes along the way. M's do not get to this point overnight so it's crazy to expect that it get back to "normal" or as my LB says, "a new normal" overnight. It takes a lot of effort, forgiveness (even if it takes getting up every day & saying, I choose to forgive), & accountability.

I wish I could say that my lack of being on here is because of work or because me and Cindy are doing great but in fact all of the above would be lies.


I have been staying away from MB because I feel lost and hopeless and feel there really is no end in sight to this pain I feel.

I go back and forth with thoughts that many bs have had. The ex om's job is at the end of are residential street we are moving to on June 17th 2005. Cindy and the kids just love the house and I must admit so do I. The job is going very well and in eight months I will be presented with a promotion to run 12 locations out of my area.

The kids are doing great and at times look sad or have questions for me and I try to answer them as openly and honestly as I can.

The MC still thinks I should do everything in my power to have Cindy's vindication from CPS lifted so that she can " Feel like a mom again "

The MC also is helping me find myself and who I really am. He is also going to help me come up with a focus program that will allow me to stay on track with keeping a job longer then six months at a time.

He told me to trust Cindy she will have to start opening up more and not getting so mad when I feel the need to ask questions.

She is still living in this make believe world where if we don't mention the om then all is well, Maybe in her world all is well but in mine it is a waking nightmare that seems to never end.

Every few weeks if I bring up some flamboyant question she gets very hostile and upset. These behaviors make me think of the person that was so deep in the A that she got mad if questioned.

She tells me that she is now on 3 months of NC and she swears to it. I have my days I believe her and I have my days that doubts abound in every direction.

Whats a true recovery?

What signs are there that you are doing it all like you should?

Is there really a point when the ws becomes honest on the A details if there are even more?

How do you know if the person laying next to you really wants to be there?

Cindy tells me that she does not think of OM? can this be true in such a short time?

The SF seems to be worse then better between us, I hate to say it but it seemed better when she was in the A, Is this possible?

it's been weeks since we have had type of blowup, last night it came close but I was able to walk away from it and settle myself down before it got out of control.

I told Cindy that all I want from her is 100% honesty and to stop protecting my feeling and just tell me the truth, no matter how horrible. I found that it's these details that have helped me get where I am today.

I have doubts on where we are moving to since she can so easily walk down to his job and visit him while the kids are in school and I'm at work, or worse yet the Om visit her in our new home that I am working so hard for.

I even passed on a promotion to Florida because she wants to stay in Rochester and she really fell in love with the new home we found. She even warned me that it was very close to om's job but assures me she does not even feel tempted to contact him because of what she has to lose if she does.

I told her I will not accuse her anymore but lay the proof on the table if she makes contact again with Om.

My BOUNDRIES:

any contact at all on her part will result in her immediate removel from the home and an order of protection placed against her to stay away from me and the children.

MC and IC once a week

Open communication.


Well I'm out of breathe and need to make some calls. I hope a few of my old friends on here post there thoughts and wishes.

^ Just a bump on my thread is all......


I guess everyone is in there own worlds today.

I wish all of you the best.

Have you already closed on this house? It seems to me to be a huge mistake to move right down the street from the (F?)OM. You will be under enormous stress every minute of every day in this situation. Surely there are other houses that would suit you and your family. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Michael, is the SF worse on your end or hers or both? I found with my H's last A that SF was really good during the A and bumpy for a few times after. Now we are on the upswing again. I think it took some withdrawl and him getting used to the idea of me again.