I am trying my besto stick with plan A, but I just don't know how to ensure that there is no contact with the OM. After I confronted her about the last A, she said no contact and agreed to MC. I went into plan A and tried to back off on the questions etc... but I still wanted to stress to her that there had to be no contact to move forward.
She kept insisting there was no contact, last night I told her I found it unlikely that OM hasn't at leat tried to contact her, and she comes back with "well he did e-mail me and I responded telling him it was over" but no other details.
My question, how do you go about ensure thre is no contact when your WS is capabl of lying regardless of the cricumstances.

I found that the best way to insure Honesty was to consistently be honest with my now FWW. I went with my guy instincts and they were never wrong.. But
There is going to come a time when you just have to Trust and move forward.

You need to explain to your ww that she needs to be Radically Honest with you and when she does slip off the wagon you need to be there to pick her back up and start from day 1 again.

Did your WW send a NC letter as stated in THE mb PRICIPLES, How long was the A? Was it an EA/PA or both. Does she work with this person? I do not know your story so you may want to let us know so we can better advise you.

My fww and I have a joint thread on here that we started as a part of the process to help us stay together and help keep her FWW.

Good luck and I will check out your thread more often, please don't give up and stay focused, we are here for you.

Elocm,

Together with what Michael said to you, it’s also important for your W to inform you immediately or asap should the OM try to contact her in any way. You need to make this clear to your W. The two of you need to make an agreement that if and every time the OM tries to contact her (by e-mail, phone or whatever), she must inform you immediately or asap. And if it happens and she inform you about it, she must give you full details.

I’m still working at the same company as XOM and the above agreement between me and hubby helped him to regain trust in me and showed him that I was sincere in my efforts to maintain NC. Every time XOM tried to contact me or tried to made conversation, I informed my H immediately or asap. In the beginning, while I was in withdrawal and recovery, I also reported all ‘accidental’ contacts at work to my H (bumping into XOM or seeing him).

I believe radical honesty and openness and honesty about everything is very important and the only way to go...

If your W has already send a NC-letter, it may become necessary for her in future again to send another NC letter if the OM persist in his efforts to contact her.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

elocm, has she sent him a no contact letter? If not I would suggest she do that right away. Just her reaction to that request will tell you alot about where she stands. Here are some samples. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918#000002

The letter should be written jointly and mailed by you.

If she is contacting him [or vice versa] on a home computer, I would suggest putting spyware on it to see if they are still on contact. Otherwise, keep your eyes peeled and watch your back carefully. You can't rely on her word, so it will be up to you to protect yourself.

I proposed the NC letter and it did not go well, she got a little angry, although shesaid she would think about it.
I assume this means the affair is still going on despite her saying repeatedly that it is not.
Is it possible she figures she will hold on ntil she sees what happens with us?

elocm


You need to make it very clear to your ww that she needs to write this no Contact letter with your help and you mailing it, There is no Guarentee that you mailing this letter will keep her from having contact. It is only a small piece to the puzzle of ending her A.

You need to study Plan A and Plan B, and then you need to have a very long talk with your ww, Let her know that this A will not be tolertated and that you Love her, You need to be understanding even when it is hard to listen...

But you need to make it clear that she needs to write this NC letter....NO LB's NO LB's

Be firm but clear, Anger is a tool the ws uses to get us BS to back down...Don't..Be firm even if she talks about walking out, then let her, but you need to be firm my friend.

HJopefully the wise will be on to read your thread and give you more if not better advice.

Here are my thoughts on Honesty.. I have a formula I try to use and it's Harder then it looks but it works..


You need FAITH to have TRUST and Trust in her being HONEST

Well I asked for the letter again and she refused, now she is saying she has changed so much and isn't sure she wants to work on th M.
We are still going to MC today but I'm not too hopeful now. It seems to me that she wants out and I can't get her to believe that if we work at things there may be a chance. Any comments?

First you need to have a good Plan A...


I was one of those that just did not get it, and all WS's say the same thing..She is deep in the fog and she will say many more things to make you feel like she is done with the M.

My FWW said the same things and now 10 months later she is on here posting and we even have a joint thread we use to communicate with. I would ask other FWW what they think. you can even ask my Wife for help. she went through the same thing and is still working on our M to save it. ( Cindy1970 )

You have a long but not impossible road ahead of you. You need to make you the best YOU, You want your ww to look at you and see that she is the one who will be missing out on you if she leaves.

You can do this, Trust me...

Just be the best you and the rest will come along.

She will say many more things, just don't get angry and don't LB ( LOVE BUST )

You need to read SAA ( Surviving an Affair )

Thanks Michael,

I will try.
We went to MC last night, it was ok, we alked about the NC letter, she still won't agree to it, and the MC just said she won't council with contact, so she left it up to my WS to decide upon returning or not.
I'm nervous today, friday afternoon again, I told her I could pick her up after work and she seemed disturbed by this. Claims I am babysitting her and I guess that was my motive but I need some way of knowing she is where she says, any thoughts on that?

elocm :


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We went to MC last night, it was ok, we alked about the NC letter, she still won't agree to it, and the MC just said she won't council with contact </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK... Your WW is still having the Affair at least this much we can now take away from all of this. Now here is the hard part.

It's up to you to save the Marriage and rescue your ww from her Affair. Sounds impossible but it is not. You need to have a strong Plan A.

Plan A does not mean you kissing her A$$ it means you are going to make you the best you ever. You are going to be kind to her, loving and supportive this does not mean you support her Affair you are supporting your WW rememeber this.

You also need to start getting as much info as you can on the OM this requires being very sneaky. You need to expose the Affiar once they are exposed they will die if done right. Never let your ww know how or where you are getting your info from.

If you know for a fact she met with Om on saturday at 2:00 pm and they had SF, Then approach her with no anger and confront her with it, If OM is Married then tell his wife and show her the proof. Oh your ww will come home on fire saying you are ruining her life and she hates you and wants out, ALL ww say this once the Affair has been exposed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm nervous today, friday afternoon again, I told her I could pick her up after work and she seemed disturbed by this. Claims I am babysitting her and I guess that was my motive but I need some way of knowing she is where she says, any thoughts on that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was the same way. I had to babysit her at first and all it did was make her more aware of how sneaky she had to be. It becomes a game of cat and mouse and your the one who has to be the strong one. You need to make sure she feels safe with telling you the truth no matter how much it hurts you. and you need to stay strong for her. My FWW told me the one thing that one her over the most was the fact that I stayed by her side even when I left her for almost eight weeks.

You need to find out for sure if your WW is having an Affair. You need to find out with Who. You need to rescue your WW from the OM.

I hope I am helping you.

Today:

My FWW: Cindy1970 is posting on MB, she has come clean and told me every little detail of her Affair including the lies. I made her feel safe. She calls me from work now instead of calling the Om, she tells me she loves me and she even tells people that she is lucky to have a husband who stood by her side for so long. She is now working very hard to fill my love bank and fill my ENS and I work everyday to do the same thing.

You can do this...Believe in yourself and all else will fall into place.

Do not trust anything you ww say's right now. It will be the worst mistake you can make right now. It's actions that say it all.

I told you to be firm on the NC letter but I am taking that back right now. What you need to do is Be Firm and steady that you are going to do everything you can to save your Marriage. once you get her commitment then it will take the both of you to have a great recovery.

Please fill me in more on your story..

How long have you been Married?

Any Children?

How long has A been going on?

How long in MC?

Please feel free to ask me questions, I will answer them the best I can, and honestly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told her I could pick her up after work and she seemed disturbed by this. Claims I am babysitting her and I guess that was my motive but I need some way of knowing she is where she says, any thoughts on that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One approach is to be honest and say you do have trust issues and for her to bear with this kind of thing until your trust is restored. Also through in a pont that you's like to be more helpful (offer her rides home) and that while trust is a a factor you also want to be more attentive, you do want to be more attentive, right? After all your expecting her to be completely honest.

Thanks Again,

See my post in Just found out "need some advice"

I just wanted to let you know I e-mailed my WS and said this
I just need to be assured you are where you say you are, it's not that I do not believe the words you are saying ( now that's a stupid statemant) I just have the underlying fear that you may see him this aft. It is not unreasonable to believe that this affair may be difficult for you to let go of, especially if there is a strong emotional element ( in a weird way I would understand if this was the case). I am asking for your help in allowing me that reassurance.

She replied wit this

You can go ahead and call me if you need and want to. I'll be in the office all afternoon and I'm not heading out to see anyone but Cherryl at lunch time. I'll take my cell with me and you can call me on it then if you want.


Makes me feel better

I think I dropped the ball this weekend, I was sticking with plan A but we got into a discussion on Saturday and I lost my temper, said some stupid things.
I guess I was brewing all day about why I should have to live with the constant worrying that she will see him or talk to him. I think this all stems from the fact that she won't write the NC letter, claims she doesn't want to embarass herself, I'm thinking if the affair is over what would the problem be.
I asked her to leave but she says she won't, so now I have resolved to be seperated in the same house, we are seperating all the bank account etc..
Good idea or bad?

elocm :


Look we all have those weekends where we drop the Ball, Look at some of my earlier threads. I was the one guy nobody wanted on thier team because of how I always dropped the ball..LOL


Look don't go into seperating bank accounts and all of that. You need to protect your assets in case she really does walk out one day but stick to Plan A ..

This is your Plan not hers. So she won't write a NC letter, you can't force her right now all you can do is make you a great you and in time she will like what she see's and come around.

Plan A is done in months not weeks or days. You need to set a date in your head to where you feel you have done everything you can and then you need to go to Plan B... Most people go to Plan B to late, you need to read Plan A And Plan B...


What happened this weekend that set you off, Lets look at what we could have done to avoid that situation and maybe what you could have done to have a little more control and worked your Plan A..


I'm here for you Buddy, but you have to listen and follow through, You can save your marriage but it takes time and effort, You are on your own right now. Your wife is not part of Plan A, You are.