Last night I had a very disturbing nightmare. I was at a funeral, I got up to give the Eulogy, as I had done at my fathers funeral 3 months ago. On that day my husband stood at my side during while I spoke to the many people about my father...Only in my dream, my H was not at my side...my three grown boys were!

They were all teenagers in the dream! They stood there and supported me and held me...I broke down and started crying...one of them took over the Eulogy...But where was my H? Where was my H during the most difficult of times...he was always there in the past to get me thru, but he wasn't here today, to support me at this funeral! As I looked around the room to see where my H was, I looked over and there he was lying in the casket! As I looked in the casket, he lay there sound asleep!

I heard a baby in the crowd...I looked and was shocked to see it was the OW...I was hysterical..I told her to get out of the church, this was MY H funeral and she was not welcome!

As I looked at my three grown boy's, I couldn't help but see MEN, whom I am soooo incredibly proud of! MY three boys, my stepping stones, my babies...I loved them sooo much...They loved me! They were there to protect me, their only mother!

After waking up in a cold sweat, and crying, calling out for my daddy (something I used to always do when I had a bad dream as my H would always tell me the next morning or when he woke me up to tell me I was having a nightmare)...I realized that I am so lucky...

I am sooo lucky to have these three boys in my life! THese three boys will be there for me always, will love me for who I am, their mother! These three boys will grow up to be young men in just a few short years! They will respect me as I am their mother and they know I will always be there for them, NO MATTER WHAT! I am so very proud to have these three boys in my life!

As I lay in bed crying, I remember today marks the ONE YEAR post DDAY for me! March 2, 2004 is when my world as I KNEW it came crumbling down on me...Gosh, what a year it has been! WOW! But I also realize that my little boys are becoming little human beings, little men...It makes me so sad to see them growing up to be little men, but I am so proud of them...My middle one is improving and he is sooo very proud that he can now READ! OMG! just a few months ago, he didnt' even know his letters, and now he can READ! I sat there last night as he read a book to ME! My 6 y/o! you dont know how happy that made me!

I am reading a book right now called 90 minutes in Heaven by Don Piper...It is about a man who was in a severe car wreck when an 18 Wheeler ran over his tiny Ford Escort in 1989 on a two lane bridge near Houston...The man was pronounce dead at the scene. only to come back to life 90 minutes after the accident...He visits Heaven during that 90 minutes...but his recovery was grueling...he was bitter that he was brought back to life...for WHAT? He had a horrible road ahead of him...

In the book he quotes some things, one in particular stands out at me...I just read this last night:

Some things happen to us from which we never recover, and they disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That's how life is.
Human nature has a tendency to try to reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we're wise, we won't continue to go back to the way things were (we can't anyway). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a "new normal."

Wow, what a powerful message that is...From this day forward, I will accept my new normal...I always knew that my old life was gone, but I guess I haven't accepted it...although I have accepted the A and the OC, but I always wanted my FAMILY back...my H back...and I dont know if that is possible...I have to accept this new life and move forward...*I* am the only one who can make ME do that.

Today marks a new beginning in my journey...those wishing to hop on board with me are welcome, but this ship is moving forward! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: RollerCoasterPro ]</small>

Wow, your unconscious was working very hard to help you. And likewise your insight into the dream's meaning shows real depth of spirit and intellect.

Thanks for you post Bellevue! I'm really not sure what the exact meaning of the dream was, but it sure made me think!

Your dream is 'way harsher than the one I had.

The other day, I had a dream that WH was at our house working on the computer. We had a "discussion" that turned into anger on my part because of his silent treatment and avoidance of issues. He got up, walked out into the garage and got into his car. I stood by the driver's window and leaned in to talk to him. His car was full of trash. Maybe it was recycling but none of it was stuff that belonged to our family. There were books we hadn't read, a bag for dogfood our dog doesn't eat, magazines we don't subscribe to. Then WH drove away.

I felt my dream was telling me that WH was taking away all the trash. That it was all his garbage cluttering out lives. Weird.

Of course you know the real meaning of the dream. You spelled it out in your post, clear as day.

The husband you had is dead or asleep and needs to be mourned and buried (not literally alive, I mean the person you thought he was has died.)

Then you are standing with your 3 boys, who are now young men, and they are present to bury the man who is no longer living. Pimp Daddy, Ghost Daddy. Message from the future, but you know that too. They will grow up to manhood as good men.

The OW is a crybaby. She is acting out childhood trauma using your family as the stand-ins for her own family of origin. Rollercoaster, your husband and your family just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The OW/infant would have re-enacted re-lived her disturbed past with any married man who crossed her path slowly enough to for her sink her teeth into his ankle and lock her jaw.

You also knew deep in your soul that today was a significant anniversary. Your soul knew it even though your memory tried to gloss over it. I know the awful pain, and I'm sorry for your family having to endure it.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

ooohhh, your good Bellevue! I think that SUB consciencely I KNEW that it was March 2, BUT I hadn't really thought about it! It was a hard day yesterday...I was very irritable with my kids, maybe cuz I was hurting underneath...

You are exactly right...that man is a ghost now...WOW, it is amazing how the sub consciece (and I have NO idea how to spell that word) works! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Funny how that works, the old SUB conscious. Yours knew the date.

The dreams I had before D-day and since have een very vivid and symbolic.