Would like input if you have used the 180 degree change.

Did it work for you or not?

Did you follow the rules or cheat.

How can we integrate this with MB program? I spoke to Steve about this briefly and he said some applied some didn't, but I didnn't go into detail at the time because I wasn't thinking of using it.

Any input would be appreciated.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting, get busy, do things, church, sports, tan,
15. When home with your spouse, be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you’ve had an awakening
and as far as you’re concerned, you’re going to move on with your life.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold, wait to see if spouse notices.
19. No matter what you’re feeling TODAY, only show spouse happiness.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk.
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on other parts of your life).
28. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed
much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of
what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives
because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

These can help you become an attractive person by showing her that you do not need
her in order to be a happy person.

TA,

Thanks for posting these here. Many can benefit as a result.

I used these also while coaching with SH. I don't know if they made a difference in our recovery or not, but I have to say I "felt" better using them.

Felt more in control of myself, instead of feeling like a puppet on a string depending on my FWH for my emotinal wellbeing.

I didn't disucss them with SH, and maybe you should. Especially in your case where you're doing such a great job anyway with MB principles.

I would hate you see you to off in a counter productive direction after how far you've come. Keep us updated on what SH says about this, it could help many.

I did not read the full list be every single one that I did read applies IMHO. I did many of these things and they DID make a difference to myself as well as to my spouse.

I could tell by her words, looks and actions that my doing these things made her take a closer look at me and my attractive points instead of focusing only on my negatives.

It seems to be very similar to the book by James Dobson about Tough Love. There is a post about Tough Love on the Divorce String. From what I have heard it works very well in most cases.

Yes they can be used with MB.
However, it is not as simple as going thru the list and doing some/all.
The list is simply to help with ideas of what you could do.

Doing a 180 is simple.
"If you are doing something and you are getting a negative (or no) response, then do the opposite." Michele Weiner-Davis

For example,
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
11. Do not say "I Love You".

If these are working and the spouse likes them, why would you stop doing them?
Michele Weiner-Davis says to continue to do them.

"If one person in the relationship changes, then the relationship WILL change in some way." Michele Weiner-Davis

Whenever I've acted like I've moved on and don't care he (WH) seemed glad that I had moved on and continued his relationship living with OW.

How the heck is that supposed to bring him around?

He said today on the phone that when he just mentioned reconciliation that he felt I shot it down. (I guess because I said "Well it's kind of hard to reconcile when you're still living with and having sex with the fatarse don't you think?)

But seriously?! How the heck can he talk about reconciliation while he's been (and still is) living with the OW since our son was 3 weeks old? He's now over 6 months. The OW is telling him she loves him & I'm sure he's not just smiling back at her like he claims.

So what the heck?

Originally posted by CSue:
TA,

Thanks for posting these here. Many can benefit as a result.

I used these also while coaching with SH. I don't know if they made a difference in our recovery or not, but I have to say I "felt" better using them.

Felt more in control of myself, instead of feeling like a puppet on a string depending on my FWH for my emotinal wellbeing.

I definately feel more Control, I just started using these Monday.

I didn't disucss them with SH, and maybe you should. Especially in your case where you're doing such a great job anyway with MB principles.

I would hate you see you to off in a counter productive direction after how far you've come. Keep us updated on what SH says about this, it could help many.

I have a session with Steve next week, I'll see what he says. Thanks.

I did use many of these and I believe they were helpful.

It's always worked for me.
(i.e. whenever I decided to apply it.)

It is not just that list, nor taking each items 'face value'; it should be 'customized' according to 'character' of a person we deal with...

TA:

I sense you don't want to hear anymore of my opinions, but I used the 180 degree only after recovery had already begun. My FWW was crying for her independence and freedom but I knew she was still suffering from the loss of her BF. I was sick of her daily complaining about wanting her freedom and independence. I finally layed out an entire written plan for a divorce and settlement to give her a divorce with no more battles. She was out of the fog at this time but still missing her BF and she was very surprised at my entire written plan of action to allow her total freedom from me and her family. I gave her the freedom and independence she wanted. By giging her the option, it empowered me but since that day, I have never heard her say again, "I want my freedom and independence". Words have a different meaning when you are in the fog vs out of the fog.

For what it is worth to you or anyone else,

TooSoon