Ok I know that I will get mixed responses on this one, but after 5 months I finally told my WH that if he was so set on D that he needed to start taking the steps.

He has been drifting in and out of my and DD's life at his own liking. No set time with them, drops by the house when I am not home to get something and ends up eating the leftovers in the frig. Keeps his cell off at night, doesn't wear the wedding ring. Goes out with whoever, whenever.

I told him he needed to set up some visitation schedule just as if we were divorced. That he could do what ever he wanted with his money but 25% was to be used for household and girls. He needs to see that if he does divorce its not going to be a vacation from responsibility. although he could still make it that way, no one can force a man to see his kids. The money thing however is backed by law.

I told him he needed to get his apartment ready for overnights with the DD's. On one hand I know people are going to say I gave him ultimatums and that he will balk (which I am prepared for), while others are telling me to stop the Cake eating. I just hope I am strong enough for the crap he is going to hurl at me.

I don't think those were ultimatums..they sound like logical steps to get him well on to his way to what he 'desires' so much...

sounds 'bout right to me....

ultimatums are things you make with your self...plans for you as to what you are going and or not going to do.....

what about plan b

ARK

Ark...thought I might hear from you. I was trying to minimize contact without actually giving a plan B letter, but as I said he would just show up on his own. I have not been calling or emailing, and when he calls I have been very business like.

After he didn't call me the night my father had open heart surgery, I decided that this man is really without compassion for anyone and that I needed to start detaching. For two days he has called and emailed, calls to home have been unanswered and when he "dropped by" we weren't home. Today however I will see him at my DD's counseling session. Or maybe he won't show now that I set some boundaries.

To tell you the truth I am nauseous and anxious about his response.

WH came to DD appt. Was very cordial and admitted he hadn't been around much to really have much insight to the difficulties. Brought up the fact that we were trying to set up some type of consistent visitation schedule, refering to the email I had sent.
Then as we are in the waiting room he takes my hand and said he wanted me to know he was thinking about me and he knew how hard it must be for me having to worry about my Dad and his surgery. Then he hinted that he would like to go to the hospital with the DD's and I to see him.

When we got back home he kind of lingered...almost like he wanted me to ask him to stay for dinner. I didn't ask...he didn't stay.
The next day I worked for him and when he and his partner went out for luch he asked me if I wanted to come. I said No and stayed and worked. He took care of the DD's last night and again hung out for almost 1 1/2 hours after I came home. He and I looked at a bunch of summer programs for the DD's. Once when I shivered he said "Are you cold" and put his arm around me to warm me up.
He left, I kissed him and he thanked me.

These mixed messages are whats killing me. I am afraid that this weekend he will be cold and mean. However I do not plan on spending much time with him, I have other things going on. My Mom called me a little puppy when I told her he was being nice to me. Do I ignore him, or let him know I appreciate his actions?

My Mom called me a little puppy when I told her he was being nice to me.

Wow your Mom sounds like mine....that was the perfect thing to say to you, like your self esteem isn't already shot to hell.

-Caren

Hi Homer,

I really am sorry for all you are going through.

This is what I think: Your letter about getting all this settled out really bothered him. He's a cake-eater, and he feels you pulling away. He needs to draw you back in. So he's being nice...

You are right; it wont last.

Yes he is giving you mixed messages! He needs to just nice enough to keep you hanging, so he can dump all his anger and blame on you later.

You were right to start detaching.

But... since that letter DID have an affect, dont you think a real Plan B would rattle the man? No more arms around the shoulder, no more kisses. No admiration.

Can you 'have plans' so that when he arrives, you leave, looking and smelling nice?

Plan B is all about the BS detaching, letting the WS sink as needed. It's about the BS getting ahold of their lives, stopping the chain yanking, and getting a little self esteem back.

You'll feel much more confident once you take control of your life (HI CAREN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). Confidence feeds confidence. Start small, organize small parts of the household, finances, job, social life, self improvement.... You'll find your Spark again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That man has life too good.... I think (IMVHO) you need to find a balance so that your life gets better, and he doesnt get everything he wants. Sending him that letter about finances and legal arrangements was great. Hang tuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - Dru

Caren...my mom like yours are probably just looking out for their babies and think they are putting a fire under our butt by saying those types of things. I told her I was ignoring him.

I agree Dru...and I am trying to detach...I am keeping very close watch on his actions. I am not going to fall for the bait. He will have to do more then throw me these little tidbits. I have a great network of friends that help to keep me strong.

I am mad at myself tho...even after I told him he needed to take the DD's somewhere other than the house...he didn't...he made them dinner at "our" house and then they watched movies that he rented.
He didn't even broach the subject of taking them to his apartment and since I wasn't there when he showed, I couldn't either. I chose not to bring it up afterwards either. So maybe my mom is right...I am a puppy.

Even pitbulls were puppies once...