Not one of my happier days. After a long, hard look at where I was, where I've come, and also after a long, hard look at my marriage of 18 years, I realized a couple of very important things.

First, that I know who I am, and what my strengths and weaknesses are - where I need to grow, where I've been a good man and father and husband. I till have a long road to travel, but I have what I need thru God to get there.

The second is that I cannot go back to that marriage - the person I married is gone - she's changed in so many ways that I can't begin to describe them - but sadly, away from the woman she was. I know that her journey through law school has caused these changes - she's changed from a person of principle to a person of tactical advantage: she no longer desires the truth, but to win every argument. That's what law school teaches - it teaches you to become a vicious, merciless victor who wins their case regardless of it's final realized truth or falsity. Ths job is to win the fight.

She is going to be a very good lawyer. But she is not the person I married, nor wish to be married to. The virtues she lived by are gone - she's lost her abilty to see what is right or wrong, and only what advantage she can take in the moment. I can't in all conscience be married to such a person. 'Lucky' for her, there are plenty of men around he who are more than willing to take that place, who fill the needs she has, her desire to be successful and a socialite, seen in the community as a figure of power and command. But that is not the woman I married, nor do I find attractive. I would not pursue her, and would not ask her hand in mariage.

I'm afraid I've become one of the failures on MB - someone who's marriage failed. Last night I sent her an email asking that we schedule a time to begin negotiating a divorce; to see what agreements we can come to before we see a judge and go thru mediation.

I am very saddened by all of this, even though I've seen it coming for a long time. I don't know what the future holds - at least I trust the One who does hold that future.

I'm divorcing my wife.

David

You are only ten days into Plan B. I am concerned that this is likely to be another mood swing -- and an excuse for breaking Plan B. I suspect some part of you is hoping to get a reaction from her.

I say stick with Plan B, and the changes Plan B has wrought. You may be headed for D, and seem okay with that -- but I think it's too early for you to know much of anything yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> You are only ten days into Plan B. I am concerned that this is likely to be another mood swing -- and an excuse for breaking Plan B. I suspect some part of you is hoping to get a reaction from her.

I say stick with Plan B, and the changes Plan B has wrought. You may be headed for D, and seem okay with that -- but I think it's too early for you to know much of anything yet. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ar eright - I'm only 10 days into plan B - but I fear my problem is that I stayed in Plan A way too long. The damage had been done already. As for a reaction from her - I doubt she'll even contact me about this. It was just a formal offer to see what couldbe done before I go thru with filing.

One more bit of information that may be pertainent: She had her new man over to watch a movie with her the other night - while my two yougest were spending the night with her. The oldest son had come home earlier thatr day - did not want to go to chureh with some guy his mom had just found. Went to our church instead.

Plan B insulates me from the pain she can cause - but it cannot fully do it, and it is designed to give me time to assess my situation and see where I stand. I have nothing left for my WW - I wish I did - I went thru months of feeling that love dying during plan A, and by the time I sent my PBL - I could care less whether she even read it or not. It hasn't stopped her from doing what damage she can, due to whatever anger is driving her, but there has to be a way to stop this.

Maybe filing for divorce might make her rethink things - I don't know. If she showed a genuine desire to work toward our marriage, I'd be all for that. But I do know that her plans for at least the next three years specifically are designed without me in them. And my wife runs on a schedule; if she schedules it, it happens. That's how I know that even her finding a house, removing my name from our bank account, cancelling my cell phone - all of these things were done according to an agenda she has already mapped.

I'm not part of it, and I can't live with a divided family, the children not knowing what will happen next. At least with a divorce, they will know where their home is, and whom they are 'visiting' - right now it feels to them like they have no center, no matter how hard I try, because I am working my tail off to get out of debt and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, while mom is buying movies and video games and letting them stay up all night (they missed half a day of school Monday because they were up so late Sunday night with mom and hre new friend that they could not wake up the next morning).

A NOTE ON THAT - I keep track of their progress in school, and I called that day because I just had a feeling they weren't there. I tried to call the WW's phone, only got VM over and over. The principal called and she answered right away.

So yes, I may only be 10 days into Plan B, but I do not intend to stay there for an indefinite time, playing some game with my WW - she knows my boundaries and has crossed them several times just to see what I will do. I won't be provoked into fighting (she brings a witness along so that she has a way of filing a TRO if I say even the slightest 'mean' thing.) I miantain my distanced, let the kids go with her on agreed days, d remin drk. But I know my WW. She hsa no intention of coming back - her plan is to stall me long enough to save for and build a custody case.)

A divorce filig does not end a marriage; it may wake her up - but I', not counting on it. In the meantime, as I said before, I cannot live this game. I'm not in it anymore, I don't wish to be.

If I am wrong, I'm open (as always) to 2x4s....

David

I believe Penny recommends Protection Phase (Plan B) For a minimum of one year. I could be wrong though, anyone else?

David-

I know you say she's a planner, so you think that she planned to have an affair, did she get out her appointment book and say...yes, right there, after I've been married 18 years, then I will have an affair....probably not, so it wasn'tplanned.

I'm not advising you what to do one way or the other, but you were just ready to take your life over her, and now you have this new found clarity. I think you are mistaking your love bank being *hidden* for it being gone. I think you do indeed still love her.

She's acting like a WS, I don't know what her deal with new OM's is all the time, and I'm not saying stay married to her, but she has reacted true to form in everything she's done, don't you think?

I am NOT advising you to stay in plan B or not stay in plan B, God knows I can't seem to stay in it for 5 minutes....but I don't think you have thought this through....I don't understand what it will hurt to stay in B for a while, and not file. Filing isn't going to magically make you not care that she's boinking another man, filing isn't going to make your pain better, filing isn't going to make the kids understand.....it doesn't solve the problems.

I don't really know why I'm the anti-divorce poster child, I question EVERYONE that says they want one or are or have filed for a divorce. It just amazes me, and I think Really? They can give up like that? I can't imagine....I'm sure I'd get there eventually, but it would be a lonnnnnng time. I just don't understand how anyone can make that decision, it's so final...it freaks me out.

So, David, how about you go and talk to a lawyer, and tell him/her everything, and tell them you are interested in saving the M, but not to the detriment of your children or finances...just see what they say you have to do to protect yourself, if filing is one of those things, do what you gotta do. I think just establishing temporary custody would do wonders for your Plan B. I think she has the kids too much....I think she can't miss them 'cause she has them too often, and I think she can't miss you either, because you, like me are breaking NC with her.

It would be LOVELY if I could follow my own advice.

-Caren

David-

Just wanted to make an observation, I think you and I are 2 of the saddest excuses for BS's in the history of MB LMAO!!!!!

We are both very irratic in our decisions....I love him/her, I hate him/her, I want to be with him/her forever, no I want to divorce him/her.

I don't think either of us are thinking very clearly, so it would most likely be a bad idea to make life altering decisions at this juncture.

Sorry I was just thinking about the similarities in our reactions and it made me laugh.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> David-

I know you say she's a planner, so you think that she planned to have an affair, did she get out her appointment book and say...yes, right there, after I've been married 18 years, then I will have an affair....probably not, so it wasn'tplanned.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah, Caren - I know she never planned to have an affair, although I think it was going o a lot longer than I originally suspected. That part, I know was partially my fault because until late Sept/early Oct, I hve never read any of the MB stuff - that's when I started working on my LB,s her ENs, etc. However, I do know that even earlier this year she had been talking about divorcing me because I was not 'her type' (I assume, not meeting her ENs). So when I talk about planning, I'm not talking about affairs - although she apparently has had more than one throughout the course of our marriage - something that came as a rathe large surprise to me.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not advising you what to do one way or the other, but you were just ready to take your life over her, and now you have this new found clarity. I think you are mistaking your love bank being *hidden* for it being gone. I think you do indeed still love her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hon, I was ready to kill myself because I could not see myself as being a good enough fther for my kids - I was looking at the damage that had been doine to them and was really not in a good frame of mind - yes, it was partly because of love for her, and I may still be in some sort of fog, but something happened the other night that gve me new perspective on this entire sitution - including the fact tht she hs plnned at least the next three years with me out of the picture -- because I am a 'detriment' to her social standing and am also 'in the way.' Screw that.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's acting like a WS, I don't know what her deal with new OM's is all the time, and I'm not saying stay married to her, but she has reacted true to form in everything she's done, don't you think?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely - in reference to her A's. But like I said, she is thinking long term about a future without me - and has also informed me that even if there weren'y other men there, I wouldn't be as well. This was well back in last summer. She's wanted out of this marriage for a long time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am NOT advising you to stay in plan B or not stay in plan B, God knows I can't seem to stay in it for 5 minutes....but I don't think you have thought this through....I don't understand what it will hurt to stay in B for a while, and not file. Filing isn't going to magically make you not care that she's boinking another man, filing isn't going to make your pain better, filing isn't going to make the kids understand.....it doesn't solve the problems.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Caren, I don't know if you ar eright or wrong there - I know you have my best interests at heart - but I know that in some fashion, a divorce will be filed at some point, and it may be that she is not ready for it - it may stop her long enough to rethink thing. Again, I could be speaking out of a fog myself, but she's not paying any attentoin to my PBL anyway.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't really know why I'm the anti-divorce poster child, I question EVERYONE that says they want one or are or have filed for a divorce. It just amazes me, and I think Really? They can give up like that? I can't imagine....I'm sure I'd get there eventually, but it would be a lonnnnnng time. I just don't understand how anyone can make that decision, it's so final...it freaks me out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hon - I don't want a divorce either - I want a working, happy marriage. But my WW (or even my W) doesn't seem to see things that way. Lets just put it this sway - over the past couple of years she's moved from me (t-shirt, 501's, tennies) being her kind of guy to Ken Doll (Bizniz suit, Lotus, and fine champaigne at very formal social gtherings) to be her type. I can't chnge who I am that much - I'd still be laid back, relaxed David, even asI tried to fill the 'appearance' EN and try to find a way to satisfy her finncial EN. But she's already found that type - and she's let me know I'm not it.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, David, how about you go and talk to a lawyer, and tell him/her everything, and tell them you are interested in saving the M, but not to the detriment of your children or finances...just see what they say you have to do to protect yourself, if filing is one of those things, do what you gotta do. I think just establishing temporary custody would do wonders for your Plan B.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I already did that. I can't get temporary custody at all unless I file for divorce and we both appear before a mediator to establish custody ruling. I live in Oregon, remember? Here, all of us belong to the State, we are State property, and have no say in our own behalf - we have to appeal to the State for permission to pee.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I think she has the kids too much....I think she can't miss them 'cause she has them too often, and I think she can't miss you either, because you, like me are breaking NC with her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I went totally dark on her finally - not that that has stopped her. I was sitting in my bed the other night talking on the phone and looked up to see her standing there. She just 'came by to drop stuff off for the kids'. So while I may be maintaining NC, she is doing all she can to challenge that request - she has no intention of giving me the space I need to work this out.

Caren - I hope all is well with you - and thanks for the 2x4s - I really respect yours, so feel free to swing away.....

David

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Change the locks so she can't get in. Don't file yet David.

I think you need to protect your children from her and OM. I would have had a fit if my children did not amke it to school. I would have had the police with me over at her place demanding my children. They need to be home Sundays by 8pm no later. Let them shower and be ready to unwind for BS house. I would have visitation set up and tempory custody in place immediately.

David,

I tend to agree with Realtor. You need to protect the kids and set up custody. She will shaft you if you give her a chance. I wish it did not come to this and perhaps things will turn around. But if you have made this decision and your kids are not being properly cared for by her and her playmates, she has more than one, then it is time to get the formalities done. You may be a tee shirt and jeans sort of guy, but here the formalities must be observed down to the letter.

This is serious business, treat it as such. I mean if you are really serious about filing, don't waffle, don't him and haw, and don't give her a break or you will get shafted. You are already at a huge disadvantage being a male.

God Bless,

JL

I am with JL. And I got custody of my kids. But you have a lot of work to do.

That being said, you are not done with Plan B yet. Sure, I do think you need the custody thing settled here for the protection of the kids. But what you dont need to do is scrap this marriage just yet.

I said all of these things too on here when I went to Plan B. I was done, I wanted to file (which I did, but only to get custody started...but I wanted to at the time...to go all the way). I said all of the things you are saying here. And then about two months into Plan B...my wife knocked on the door and asked to come home.

Ten days is NOTHING in all of this. And, just as my wife appeared to be completely gone, yours shows many of the same signs. And maybe she is. But the point here is YOU DO NOT KNOW! That is what Plan B is for. To let things settle down for you, and to see if your wife will re-appear and kick your WW's butt.

Plan D is the nuclear option. Except for protecting the kids thru custody agreement (which I was pursuing but told my wife that while doing that, I was not giving up on the marriage....even though I felt like giving up), divorce should be the last resort. And really, she should push the actual divorce into court...not you. Why? Because only then will you know if it is over.

Protect your kids and concentrate on doing a good Plan B. You are still in withdrawal, which may go on for a few more days or weeks. Let the dust settle. Like I said, divorce is the nuclear option. It will decimate everything.

What is the rush? You planned on being married to her for a lifetime. If she doesnt come around, there is plenty of time to pick up with someone else later...once this flushes out.

Get your act together, work on you. And please let this just settle down. We all have said and felt what you are right now. It will pass.

You have been great and have done a great and honorable thing here. Finish the job.

In His arms.

Thank you Realtor and JL - that's exactly what I've been trying to say. The ONLY way that I have to protect my children in this state is to file either for a legal separation (foolishness) or a divorce. At this point I am at full advantage because I have the financial and residential responsibility for the kids, and I have (for the first time in years) made it thru a month UNDER BUDGET.

My wife's incedible spending habits have always kept us behind - I had to use everything I could to catch up on every utility, etc. I am fully capable of caring for my kids, even if they can't rent a video game every weekend, or go out for dinner twice a week or whatever. Maybe they'll be mad at me for a while (they are a little spoiled) but so far they have ben wonderful helpers with the housework, and are getting back into swing at school.

If I could somehow 'enforce' plan B so that I didn't have to contact WW everytime the kids don't show up somewhere, or she walks into the house unnanounced, I'd stay at it working thru the intermediary. But I cannot cotrol what she does in her own house, and she has the right to see her kids - I have no recourse to enforce visitation behavior without custody rights, and that can't be done without a divorce being filed.

And while Caren nmay be right, my love bank may just be 'hidden' I am not so sure. There is a point at which the way a person treats you, a certain lack of respect, etc., where that love bank DIES. I am willing to file for divorce, force her hand (I know she has something up her sleeve - she never (alright Caren, except for having affairs) does things without a plan that she has worked thru carefuly). I am willing to see if this wakes her up, gives her a chance to see what she will be losing - but to be totally honest, even as the kid's mother - she has spent our entire marriage either working or out with friends at parties, etc. She hsa spent very little time with the kids - I can almost see her finding it a relief not to have to take responsibility for them - that visitation would suit her better because they do annnoy her. I mean, she's asked me to pack their lunches on days they sleep over so that she won't have to waste time doing that. I dont mind that, cause it gives me a chance to run the lunches over to the school and I can see them, but it doesn't say a whole lot about the woman.

David

MM - I hear you.

I plan on making plan B work, but I have to be able to MAKE it work. WW may turn back into W, although I really have ....shall we say.....extreme doubts.....just being separated for a month has already taught me how much of the problems in this marriage - that were supposedly ALL MY FAULT - have disappeared. Strange how I mystically became financially frugal and less messy once she left. I'm far from dong perfect, but I am doing my best, and this place already runs more smoothly (it only I could get it cleaned up a bit more - hee hee - couple of runs to the dump will take care of that.

And I guess I'm not as much 'in a hurry' as I am to call her bluff. She doesn't mess around (Yes, Caren, except with other guys - hee hee) - she is more than likely fully prepared for any contingency that may arise. And you are right - there are other wonderful people out there with whom I could have a happy marriage - I'm not worried about that. I am just tired of the games and am worried about my kids.

David

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

LMAO David, stop putting me in your posts!!!!

I'll come out and clean your house for you if you come and look for an apartment for me..LOL

Try not to be jealous, but I made a really gourmet EXPENSIVE meal tonight....yes, that's right, I am eating Hamburger Helber Cheeseburger Macaroni....Wooo hoooo I'm living high on the hog.
I guess at least I don't have to worry about getting fat..LOL

-Caren

Oh btw.....those weren't 2x4's in that earlier post David, if I swing a 2x4 at you you'll be picking splinters out of your @$$ LMAO

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> LMAO David, stop putting me in your posts!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, Caren, I keep trying to leave you out but I can't control what I'm typing.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Try not to be jealous, but I made a really gourmet EXPENSIVE meal tonight....yes, that's right, I am eating Hamburger Helber Cheeseburger Macaroni....Wooo hoooo I'm living high on the hog.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gotcha there - we're having a fine dining experience of fish sticks and instant mashed potatos! Mmmmm Mmmmmm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Oh btw.....those weren't 2x4's in that earlier post David, if I swing a 2x4 at you you'll be picking splinters out of your @$$ LMAO
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably right. I'd be sitting down there at work waiting for someone to stitch me back up.....lol

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Hey, Pete/David--

I have been quietly watching along as your Plan B thread moved along...letting others state their case and give their thoughts...but this time I HAVE to jump in!!! I have several thoughts that I think are enormously important!!

First, IMHO you do not file D because you are hoping to "call someone's bluff." If you remember, I spoke to you (and some others too) about filing D when your mind and heart are in sync. Your heart may be saying, "I have had enough!" and your mind may be saying, "This just isn't going to change and there are many logical reasons to do this" BUT until you are at a place inside of you where you KNOW that you have done everything you can and until you realize that you may be signing a paper but her actions and her choices were the ones that really ended the marriage, then my brother, you need to pause. This is not something you rush into, like I said, "to call someone's bluff"...this is NO BLUFF. When your mind and heart are in sync, and you have done EVERY possible thing you can think of, and you have peace inside yourself that you have done all you can and she is not going to be doing her part...THEN, the marriage is just on life support and you pull the plug...THEN it's already dead, you are just turning the ventilators off and allowing the body to stop being "fake" alive. Does that make sense? This isn't a game.

Next, one thing CarenMc wrote kind of struck a nerve with me (waving--"Hi Caren!"): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I question EVERYONE that says they want one or are or have filed for a divorce. It just amazes me, and I think Really? They can give up like that? I can't imagine....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That rubbed me the wrong way a little bit because I have known many people, myself included, who are the BS...who want to save the M...but who find out from the A that their WS has illnesses or addictions or major character flaws. These BSs then embark on a journey of fixing themselves and their side of the street, but the WSs are completely unwilling to even CONSIDER their issues, much less fix them! Shoot, graycloud is an EXCELLENT example of a BS who has fought the good fight, done his work, and in the end had to accept that a D is his only option. Who "filed" does not make so much difference in those kind of cases because IMVHO, the WS's ACTIONS are what ended the M, not the filing or not-filing. Frankly, Pete/David, this is where I think you need to be: you have taken your focus off of your WW and put it onto yourself AND worked on and worked through your issues until you are confident that you are fearlessly facing yourself and still have no recourse.

Next, when people say that you need to "change the locks" and get temporary custody, bear in mind that many advising you have not gone through a D themselves and may have only "heard about it" hear on the board, from their family members, etc. That is not so much LEGAL advice as it is a plea for you to TAKE ACTION TO PROTECT YOURSELF, YOUR RIGHTS, AND THOSE KIDS!! It is CLEAR that WSs do not think clearly regarding the best interests of their children while they are actively involved in their A. Thus, the term "temporary custody" does not actually mean to file for temporary custody because that would imply that D was filed! Nope, it more accurately means: look at the laws in your state and do not be afraid to actively and enthusiastically protect yourself, your parental rights, and your children. Most states have some avenue of recourse to add a shield of "status quo" until a judge can rule.

Soooo...in your state, I would strongly advise that you check out your state statutes regarding Dissolution of Marriage. LEARN ALL YOU CAN. If you are serious about this, you are going to have to be single-minded and wise on behalf of your family!! I found an excellent resource at: Oregon State Dissolution of Marriage Statutes In particular, look at Chapter 107. You will find:

Oregon is a no-fault state.
Misconduct of a party is relevant to child custody decisions--so DOCUMENT
The decree can be final 90 days after service
Copies (and copies) of all kinds of financial documents must be provided to both parties
There is a Restraining Order in effect once a party is served that prevents the parties from: canceling insurance, changing beneficiaries, disposing of property, and making extraordinary expenditures.
A judge can make provisions on the same day that a D is filed--these would be temporary orders of who stays where and when.

Look at Chapter 107.097! This chapter describes Temporary Protective Orders. You can apply for a TPO when you file, and the TPO keeps either party from:
Changing the kids usual place of residence
Interfering with present placement and daily schedule of child
Hiding child from the other party
Interfering with other party's usual parenting time
Leaving the state with the child
In any way disturbing current schedules and daily routines util custody has bee determined.

Is it just me, or does that sound like JUST WHAT YOU NEED??? Yes, it means that D is filed as a technicality--kind of like what Mortar did--but it completely protects you, your rights, and keeps the kids AS THEY ARE without her insisting they go to church with someone they don't know, insisting that they stay up WAY too late, or keeping them out of school!!

Finally and in conclusion, Chapter 107.137 discusses the factors used to determine custody:
Emotional ties between child and other family members
Interest of parties in and toward child
Desirability of continuing current relationship
Abuse of one party by the other
Preference of primary care giver
Willingness of each parent to facilitate a close and continuing relationship with the other parent

Courts consider CONDUCT, MARITAL STATUS, INCOME, SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT, and LIFESTYLE if it is shown that any of these factors is causing emotional or physical damage to the child. Hmmmm??? In your opinion, is her conduct emotionally harming the children--and she refuses to stop? Does her "stay up all night" lifestyle or giving the kids soda at 10pm cause the kids physical harm?

Pete/David...this is not a game. If you do this, do it because your heart is pure. And if you do this, be WISE, be INFORMED, and do what you have to do without fear or hesitation.


CJ

CJ - I have the OR statutes here - been going over them all day (and a lot of last night) because I know that my wife and all of her friends are also studying the same laws - she has a great many resources......

I also wanted to defend myself (I'll explain this in detail later) that when I meant 'call her bluff' I was not talking about divorce being a game, but the fact that she has been running this thing 10 steps ahead of me for months - as I said, nothing is unplanned, I am no longer willing to wait until I get blindsided again. This time I call the shot, she can the respond, but I have to know where she is.

I am serious about filing this divorce because it is the only way, by OR statute, that I can get Temp Custody, during which we must both go thru anger managment classes and a mediatorship which renders a decision based on evidence presented to the judge - upon which, if the divorce is actually filed, full custody laws take place.

I'm glad you posted - I value your opinions more than you may ever know. I need your input. Perhaps 'calling her bluff' was the wrong term, but from where I sit, this is what I see:

WW and her lawschool friends have the opportunity to run an actual trial, according them the full power and control that they will have when they pass the bar. This is a perfect lab experiment for them. It is a game FOR THEM. NOT FOR ME. I am the Rhesus monkey upon which these sophomoric smei-lawyers wish to tyr out all their newly discovered tools - an experiment. What WW does not realize is the effect it is having on real people.

The MONKEY is going to do what it can to turn the experiment back on them. I have real people to defend, they do not.

DD

The Monkey also accidentally bought the Extended Version of the Return of the King to Complete the Set. My reward to myself (at the expense of my next three lunches at work) but hey, I have THEM ALL NOW!!!! YAY! Now, I'm going to spend an entire day watching LOTR - everyone is invited. BYOB, and the cover charge is 2.00 a person (hee hee).

David the Tolkein Fan. Forgetting the rest of His Problems for The Rest of The Night.

CJ:

I just wanted to comment on this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Next, one thing CarenMc wrote kind of struck a nerve with me (waving--"Hi Caren!"):
quote:
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I question EVERYONE that says they want one or are or have filed for a divorce. It just amazes me, and I think Really? They can give up like that? I can't imagine....
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That rubbed me the wrong way a little bit </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't post the whole comment, but I wanted to let you know I didn't mean it the way you took it. I was actually refering more to people in real life around here...in my groups and stuff....I'm not saying that people shouldn't ever get divorced, I am saying that when someone tells me they are seeking a divorce, I stop and say "You are?" "How can you be sure that's what you want?"

It's an inquisitive thing really, because people in my life don't agree with me trying to save my marriage, and they all think I should file on my WH....but I don't agree, and I don't know when I'd ever be sure enough to do so, that's what I meant, I didn't mean people who had tried everything and had run out of options, I was referring more to what I perceive as a snap judgement to divorce.

-Caren