Hi,

I have been going on an roller coaster ride. My husband told me in 01/03 that he loved me, but wasn't "in-love" with me any more. We were barely speaking at the time. He refused to go to counseling no matter how much I begged. He also refused to participate in any discussions about our marriage, except to blame me for everything wrong in his life. I then suspected he was having an affair with a co-worker. I saw many calls on his cell phone to her on the bill, but he said it was work related. The cell phone He worked for a large telecommunication company in NJ which to consolidate their workforce, moved quite a lot of people to their headquarters. Because their headquarters had a lot of offices and few cubes, people were assigned two to an office. I believe the close proximity gave opportunity to the affair. His co-worker lives with her in-laws during the week and travels to rural NY where her husband and two young daughters live. She has been waiting for over three years to get laid off from the company, but my thoughts are that she was trying to get away from her family. Her husband takes odd jobs and basically has raised the girls since they were born. My husband was laid off in 07/03 and bought a business in Ohio, where we are originally from. To buy the business he took out a loan from his 401-K, cash advances on our credit cards, and drew down on a home-equity line of credit. Much of this he did without my knowledge or consent because he didn't want it. He was extremely angry at me (some of which is deserved).

He planned to move to Ohio and I stay at my job in NJ and we let our youngest son finish 8th grade. After which we would sell the house and all be in Ohio. This was 09/03. I had suspected but refused to face his affair. I then looked on the computer after he took our son to the bus stop. What I saw devestated me and still does. He was planning to see her that very day, even though she was "unavailable" for sexual activity. I confronted him and he of course denied it. Long story short, he said he would cut it off with her and agreed to counseling. We went to four sessions but it didn't do any good because he didn't want to be there. I went to a therapist on my own. He came back every other weekend until Sept. 04 when we sold the house. We had many ups and downs, I found text messages from her, he denied giving her his phone no., I believed him, what a fool. When I finally moved here, even though I wasn't sure I wanted to be married to him, I thought I should try. I arranged through my work to telecommute from Ohio. Once here, I started going through everything at his office as something didn't feel quite right. I found a calling card which he used to stay in contact with her since I found out in 09/03. The last call was 08/04, right before I moved here. We even bought a house together. I felt happy, but there was definitely an undercurrent. I also bought spyware and read e-mails and text messages that said he loved her and not me, he was just with me for financial purposes. His OW called me pathetic!

He says he wants to try, but doesn't want to go to counseling. I have been reading everthing I can, going on websites, trying to figure myself out as that is all that I can do. He hasn't done any of that. I can't trust him, too afraid to. I am up and down constantly, I can't concentrate on my work. Oh, his business doesn't make money it loses money. I still love him, but I feel like a loser and a fool.

Does any one else feel this way?

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know that you will get a lot of support here, so keep posting, don't give up on us!

How long have you and your H been married? How long has this affair been going on?

My best advice at this point is for you to go through this entire site very carefully. Read everything! Also, you may want to go to the library and get some books, a good one is "Surviving An Affair", it helped me a lot. Especially with trying to understand my own feelings about my H's infidelity and the rollercoaster emotions I was experiencing.

From your post, especially the emails you found on your H's computer, it doesn't sound like your H is ready to end the affair. And how awful it must be for you to know how they speak of you! I'm so sorry!

I wish I had something wise to say. I don't. I can only offer support and (((hugs))). Read up on Plan A & Plan B. Maybe you will be able to come up with a solution. My first instinct is to tell you to change the locks, kick him out, and out his affair to all of his friends, family, & co-workers (hers, too!) but I'm not sure others here will agree with me. Try pampering yourself. Hot bubble bath, champagne maybe, a movie with a good friend - anything to take your mind off of it.

Read up on Plan A. Try that first.

Only you know what you can handle on a daily basis. Only you know what avenue will work best for you.

Good luck, keep your chin up, keep posting, and take care of yourself.

Hugs,
AVNL

Hi,

Thanks so much!! It is hard to find someone to talk to. I have my sister's here but I haven't told them about the last stuff because I do feel stupid and used.

We have been married 22 years, been together 26, just had our anniversary on 02/26. Between that and Valentines day, it hasn't been too good.

We have three sons, 21, 20 and 14. When my older two sons were about 1 1/2 and 3 my husband had an affair with a co-worker. He was seen at a bar owned by one of my sister's friends making out with her. He told me about it as they threatened to if he didn't. At the time, my mom had died a couple of years before and my dad wasn't working. I was working part-time and going to school and I couldn't afford to go it on my own. He said he was going to leave, same BS about not in-love with me, but he never did. I didn't find out until our brief counseling that he also almost had another affair about 6 years after the first. That is what he has owned up to, who knows what else. He has gone to counseling on and off for the last year and a half. He did tell me that he was sexually abused by his older sister when he was 6 years old. I do feel bad for him, but I feel he needs to deal with it, as hard as it is, and resolve it otherwise I think he will continue to have his affairs. I think it is for his ego and he is self-centered. Most of the people I have confided in have had the same reaction as you, through him out. I don't know, can you love someone and walk away? I know many kids of divorce that are really messed up and not too many that survive very well. I guess part of me wants to keep the family intact for them.

How about you?

Thanks again for the advice!

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: nabohio ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nabohio:
[QB] Most of the people I have confided in have had the same reaction as you, through him out. I don't know, can you love someone and walk away?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you love [B]yourself and stay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How do you think the children would feel about their family to know that their father is out cheating on their mom? How do you think your children will see you if you put up with it and allow it simply to keep the family intact?

I recently read a post from a woman who had come to this site a few years ago after finding out about her husband's affair. She didn't want a divorce, Plan A'd , then Plan B'd, then divorced. Now, three years later she says "I didn't know that life could BEGIN at 50!"

Life will not end if your marriage does. You never know, life might begin with the end of your marriage.

My parents are divorced. Yes, at first I was upset. When my mother re-married a year later I was angry. But, years later I realize that it was the best thing they could've done. They are still friends, but are both much happier as individuals now.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You deserve a day that's filled with PEACE.

I didn't know about this site while my H was out with XOW. But, essentially, I did the Plan A for about three months, then I moved out and went dark. No Contact for two months. Eventually, my H came crawling back begging for forgiveness. But this didn't happen until I contacted him about a divorce.

He told me later that he never thought I would actually leave. And to him, the thought of me leaving was worse than giving up OW.

You may get your H back by giving him a taste of life without you. Then again, you may find that you like your life better without him. Either way, you'd be feeling better about yourself and life in general, because there would be some sort of resolution.

I hope that things work out. Like I said earlier, keep posting, and read EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY PLAN A & PLAN B.....these are two very important steps to initiating an end. Either an end to the affair(s) or an end to the marriage.

Good luck....(((nabohio)))