Ok. The affair is over. My husband I haved moved on but the marriage is still quite loveless and boring. I really don't know what to do. It's like we are roommates, trapped together because we have three children. I don't know if I can continue to live like this. I have tried everything but the only thing that at one point that got his attention was an affair. Help!!!

Hi F.M.

Are you guys in counseling?

How long has it been since the end of the affair and which role were you playing?

FM, I had to go back and read your old thread. Are you in NC now? For how long? Are you in MC or IC? Have you read HNHN's and have you both filled out the EN questionaire? Sorry for all the questions but trying to get a feel for where you and your H are in this now.

WAT, she was the WS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong> Ok. The affair is over. My husband I haved moved on but the marriage is still quite loveless and boring. I really don't know what to do. It's like we are roommates, trapped together because we have three children. I don't know if I can continue to live like this. I have tried everything but the only thing that at one point that got his attention was an affair. Help!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Know what..... your marriage is what you put into it. Like anything else.

This sort of emotional gridlock is not a written permission slip to go off and have and affair, or to separate and divorce.

This sort of emotional gridlock is a symptom that something is needing attention within your marriage.

And at least 50% of the problem is your attitude!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">" I don't know if I can continue to live like this."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then CHANGE something and keep trying things until you get the results you want.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I have tried everything" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt very much that you have tried everything. I feel certain there is a wall you've constructed around your heart that you have not tried to take down. Just an intuition.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "The only thing that got his attention was an affair." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOUR affair was to get attention?

You mean you are so unimaginative in ways to create intimacy and excitement with your husband that you had an affair to get his attention?

What sort of attention did your husband pay you after your affair was discovered? How heartbroken did he have to get before you were satisfied with the level of attention.

I am being harsh because your attitude is very selfish right now.... this is your ~taker~ saying to you "I want I want I want" ....

Try creating an environment of direct non-hostile honest communication with your husband where you begin all your sentences with ... "I am feeling (emotion) whenever this (situation) occurs. I want to love you and cherish you and honor you, please tell me how I can be a better wife."

I wonder what he might say ... given this opportunity to open up to you without getting the sense that he is to blame for your unhappiness.

Pep

WAT ... her H has end-stage renal disease .... her life is not a party because her H is very ill.

Pep

Please have your husband post here so we can get his assessment of things.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Please have your husband post here so we can get his assessment of things.

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT ... read her old thread titled

"I hate my husband so much"

very telling

Pep

FM,

I went back and read your last thread which Pep was referring to and this paragraph you wrote really hit home with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's just hard seeing that my friends have husbands who take care of them and give them things and they look at me and say I don't know what I would do if I was in that situation when the truth of the matter is they don't want to be in my situation. The husbands take care of most of bills and give them money when they need it. They are feminine in every way. I feel like a husband and not a woman.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through at your age, I do understand what you wrote here. Very much so.

At first on reading this thread I thought you were a selfish young woman, now I don't think so. You made a wrong choice to escape your weariness. It happens.

What you need is support so you can make some better choices and improve your situation.

Stick around for awhile this time FM. We would all like to help you through this.

Thankyou all for your comments. I appreciate them very much. I understand I have alot to do with the ways things are going right now because I think I'm going through affair withdrawal. I tried to tell myself it was just that an AFFAIR, but I get so depressed because my husband has return back to his old ways again. I try to include him in everything because I know he is depressed because he is sick and doesn't work but it seems like he won't get out of his depression and live. I basically try to convince myself and say that one day when the kids grow up I can just leave. I don't believe God put everybody together. I think some of us make choices for what we think will somehow bring us happiness. I guess the sad part about is I really down deep inside only seem to pretend I want this marriage because of my children. Our intimacy level is so messed up, he and I both get scared when it's time for that.

[QUOTE]
Try creating an environment of direct non-hostile honest communication with your husband where you begin all your sentences with ... "I am feeling (emotion) whenever this (situation) occurs. I want to love you and cherish you and honor you, please tell me how I can be a better wife."

I wonder what he might say ... given this opportunity to open up to you without getting the sense that he is to blame for your unhappiness./QUOTE]

I don't feel like I love him and wouldn't pretend like I do. He has never really been open to me and I have basically felt to make things run smooth. I retreat to not talking as much.