Well let me start my story by telling that i'm not feeling good about myself at all.I have been having an affair with my husband best friend for a past 1.5 years. He knows about it as i told him about it and seek for a divorce as i thought I wanted to marry this guy that was a year ago. I even did not hear any of his explanation but jz was going on with my decision. Im very addicted to this guy and whenever I dont talk or see him i become depress and incontrolable. I belive i am going through depression right after my delivery of my daughter, but i think i and my husband took very lightly. I turn to this guy for my emotional needs. But today my divorce is not finalize as i pull back at last minute and thought what i was doing with my daugther life. I gave the custody to my husband so each time when i fetch her and sent her back i was suffering like hell and i saw how she was sufering. Above all i could not sleep. So i stop the divorce and left my husband to take any action on it. I took my daughter from my husband and taking care of her now. I and my husband just moved out about 4 months ago. Each time i talk about reconcilation he ask me to forget it and ready to take any blame if our daughther future will be affected. I staying with my lover for 4 months as i need emotional support. Sometime he will there for me and understand what I going through but lateley as I just pull back the divorce he is acting very unlovingly. I dont what I'm doing when I think of my daugther I beg alot to my husband to forgive me and accept me back but he said even god cant change his mind. When I to proceed with my divorce and marry my lover I feel so bad that I ruined my daugther future and hurt my husband. But what can I do? If I leave my lover what happens to me and my daugther if my husband dont want to take resposibility over us. I know my husband for 10 years and we are married for 2 years. But i ve never cheated on him for the past 8 years. I know after i delivered my daugther i'm very emotional and depress. I even lost my memory for few hours after delivery but neither did me or my husband did anything about this. I'm sad he still refuse to help me today. I really need help as I am dying of guilt and love my daugther to have a good future.What must i do </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[LIST]

Keren, I don't think your H should even consider reconciliation as long as you are with the OM still carrying on your affair. He shouldn't take you back unless and until you stop your affair and convince him that you will be faithful to him in the future. But you aren't very convincing when you are still carrying on your affair! Why would he sign on for that? See what I mean?

Exactly!

Also, if your OM didn't change his "love" for you, would you ask for reconciliation with your H?
Or, if your H agrees, would you mind so much unloving OM?

Anyway, don't call love what you feel for either your H or OM...
Do everything that you can call love you have to feel for your daughter though.
And please get rid of dependency, either way... it'll help not only you, but your daughter's healthy upbringing too.

I understand what you mean OM did not change his love until i was so depress that I confided to him i thinking of going back to my H, he became very sentive but wiling to marry me of i proceed the divorce. I know I very dependant on both of them, but i'm vulnerable as well i afraid I ll be suicidal if i dont be dependant. If i leave OM i'm afraid I will loose the love and support I have in case my H dont want me back. He very persistent and angry. I can understand but H really have to be there for me instead of blaming me for being unfaithful. I accept my mistake but I just dont want my daughter to have two father and two houses to go. She is only two vary beautiful and intelligent. Why csnt my H forgive me for the sake of my daugther,My OM is wiling to marry me if all I have to say is just I want to proceed with the divorce and marry him. I left him in uncertainty as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand but H really have to be there for me instead of blaming me for being unfaithful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would he WANT to be there for you when you continue to be unfaithful? He can't quit blaming you for being unfaithful until you STOP being unfaithful.

Keren, how could your husband possibly forgive you when you are still having an affair?? Do you forgive the bank robber when he is in the bank robbing it? Or do you forgive him when he STOPS robbing banks?

Your H would be a nut to take you back unless he had a guarantee that you would be faithful to him. He doesn't have such a guarantee while you are still in an affair. He should NOT even consider taking you back until you STOP YOUR AFFAIR.

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

i have told H that i m not with OM,we rarely go out and he thinks that im staying with my sister but he still dont want to accept me. he said is imposible

Kerenasha,

Have you read all of the information on this website? There is a wealth of information for people in your situation. It would be a good idea to first take some deep breaths, then go through and read everything on this site that you can. Then, order some books to read. Surviving an Affair by Steve Harley and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder are good ones to start with.

Then, when you've done that, you need to make some very important decisions and take responsibility for your choices. Right now, your indecision has caused and is causing immense pain to your H, D and possibly even to OM. It may be possible for you to make up for what you have done to your family, but only when you are ready to take responsibility for your own life.
It is no one else's job to make you happy or even to give you a good life. That is your job and yours alone.

Although it may be very difficult for some time to come, it is the only way out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kerenasha Raj:
<strong> i have told H that i m not with OM,we rarely go out and he thinks that im staying with my sister but he still dont want to accept me. he said is imposible </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe he is too smart to believe your lies? I can't imagine why any man wouldn't want a wife who cheated on him and lied to him? Do you think that might have a little to do with it?

Could you tell me exactly what i shall do after leaving this guy, do you think i shpuold move in with my husband course i know i cant leave alone with pain, i know i will be suffering and might even thonk of commiting suicide sometine i'm incontrolble. Shoould i just ignore whatever pain tthat i gonna face for my mistake for my daughter sake? Please dont ask me to leave alone i know its very tough. My family are out of question as all of them have their own problem and seing them will make me very pathethic towards my life and mu daughter. All of them have their financial problem.

Kerenasha,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i know i cant leave alone with pain, i know i will be suffering and might even thonk of commiting suicide sometine i'm incontrolble. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kerenasha, your H has some good reasons for not wanting to have you living with him right now. He needs to feel safe and you are having an A, hurting him terribly.

Please go and see a doctor and get your depression treated. If you can, please start talkign to a counsellor.
What will help you is to start living your life according to your most important values. There are people in your life who you made a solemn commitment to and you have broken that, hurting them very much. Your daughter has a right to your attention and care. The only way you can make this right is by being brave, realising only you can make up for your mistakes and taking the plunge. Anti-depressants and counsellors can help you get there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kerenasha Raj:
<strong> Could you tell me exactly what i shall do after leaving this guy, do you think i shpuold move in with my husband course i know i cant leave alone with pain, i know i will be suffering and might even thonk of commiting suicide sometine i'm incontrolble. Shoould i just ignore whatever pain tthat i gonna face for my mistake for my daughter sake? Please dont ask me to leave alone i know its very tough. My family are out of question as all of them have their own problem and seing them will make me very pathethic towards my life and mu daughter. All of them have their financial problem. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not asking you to do anything. You seem to think that you have favorable, comfortable options here, but you don't. You are not in a postion to negotiate anything. Your H is right to run for the hills from a wife who lies and cheats and has no remorse. There is nothing here to motivate him to change that path.

You want everything to be "easy." Well, I am sorry but life is not easy and sometimes our CHOICES bring great pain. You volunteered for such a life and it won't be easy to extract yourself.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Keren, why can't you move in with your sister and get a job?

Well i'm really in state of confuse as my husband is not responding to me. And my OM is very loving to me and wiling to sacrifice anything. But my pain of hurting a good man like my H and not giving the best of family to my daughter also kills me. Ive told my OM to get married as it would be easier for me to get over things but he refuse and says that he only will not any contact of me and move away if I choose to ask him to go. But if he does that I know i still be thinking of him. And wheter i'm back with my husband or not will not be much a pain or agony if i know OM is married. As i wont feel that i will think of him when i know I can never get him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But my pain of hurting a good man like my H and not giving the best of family to my daughter also kills me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kerenasha,
do you see that only you are the only person who can fix your problems? You cannot rely on your H or on OM. Your H has his own problems. This is YOUR life. I know it may seem very difficult to you right now, but understand that all it takes is one day at a time, and also that it is a fact that eventually you will feel much, much better than you do now.

You sound like you are suffering, and that is why I suggested seeing a doctor. Please, you need to take care of your health, it is very, very important, for your family and daughter's sake as much as anything. It is difficult to think straight when you are in a lot of pain, and what you need now more than anything is to think straight and be brave.

Maybe you can think about it in another way:
- Try imagining, 30 years into the future, that it is your daughter who is in this situation. What would you advise her to do?

What do you want?

Not what do you think you want...
Not what does your culture/ubringing tell you to want...

But what do YOU want?

And then what are you willing to do to get it?

You seem very confused and troubled with issues that seem to float around you. It seems to me that you are wildly scrambling among options that are not your own. Like you don't know where to go, or that somehow it' not your decision...

Please just take a minute...

Breathe...

And think about what you really really want. What's most important to you...

Now breathe again...

Next step: coming up with a PLAN.

dewt

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 05:24 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

I really dont know what I want thats my problem it seems like I have to put so many people in pain including me. I really dont know what went wrong with me. Everybody looks at me as if I'm a slut. Betray the husband and child. I love my daughter very much. I admit before I was with OM i did not tthink about my daughter and society. I thought what I want. I did not even think that I gonna hurt my very nice husband. Tho he is very bad to me now but I know he was nice before.Are you married? Please I believe even at that time when ur in love or I dont know whether it was love you would take anyone advice. Still its the same now.My husband claims he is happy now which i believe is not my daughter hapiness. If I go to his life back now with lots of pain I dont know whether he csn be happy again. Whereelse i feel same for both the man. . Each time i try to be back both my husband he ran away when I am not he comes very nice and my lover is also the same when things are ok he pressure me to get my divorce course he dislike staying with married woman and his family is against it.My husband is very much hurt with what happen. Dont mind me asking aare you a man or woman? How do you feel if your wife would to have an affair? Please be very honest to me. Would the society mater or whether is she wiling to change?Thank you so much for your time

Kerenasha,

I am a woman, a FWW. I had an A.

It devastated me and my M and we are still experiencing the effects, a year later.

There are many people like me on this site who have been in absolutely terrible situations.
Its not unusual around here. Have you read the information on this site, and other's stories? In my case, only I got myself into that situation, and only I could get myself out of it. It was just the way things were - there are no guarantees.

I think dewt's advice is good - decisions are what you need right now.

Have you seen a doctor or a counsellor yet?

*spellcheck edit

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>

I did try to think what will hapen if it was my dauhther,but to bad i tried to think as if it was me.so i sided whatever she is doing and dont think she have done wrong.I truly agree my health is bad now and i need to take care of my daughter.But still very very confuse. I seem to love both guy and my daugther and not wiling to take the risk of loosing any of them. In case my husband dont want me I think at least i have my lovers love but I cant give the best to my daughter and its all my fault,do you think mariage can last for me

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> not wiling to take the risk of loosing any of them </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is.... if you keep doing what you have done so far, the likelihood that you will lose them is only going to increase.

Thats why only you can decide what values are most important to you and then work towards that, one small step at a time.

About whether I think there is hope for your M - have you read other's stories on this site? Many, many marriages in desperate circumstances have been saved, and my own is now looking much better than it was. Maybe it will help you to read the thread of whisper, and see if the advice given to her is relevant to your situation.

** Just an aside - this site is kept going by people taking time to try to help others who ask for help. So I think its polite, if people ask questions that the think might help you, to try and answer them - ie MelodyLane's.**

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>

I understand what you are saying Melody Lane is making me feel so much of pain, that is why ive ot reply her.As for your advice i cant understand what you mean. Things will not get better if I did not choose. I just quite new to this site please let me know the member no for the thread of whisper so that i can read about it. If you dont mind can you guide me about this site. And please let me know how was your marriage have problem that its much better now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />