First WW has been sleeping on the couch since I moved back in. Night before last WW commented that we should take turns sleeping the bed. I said I promise I will not touch you and she said "yea right". I said that I would make a barrier so we could not touch. Yesterday before WW got home I rolled up about 5 blankets lengthwise that formed a bed length cylinder about 8 inche in diameter. When WW got home I showed her and she said "no way". Last night WW was having a nightmare and she was moaning and such that caused me to wake up. I went into the living room and lightly shook her to wake her up and she thanked me. I then got a blanket and sat by her feet to comfort her. WW got up in about 15 min and went to the bathroom. She then said if I was going to sleep on the couch she would sleep in the bed. I again said that I would not touch you and she said OK. So we sleept in the same bed last night with the barrier between us. All I can say is that at least its some progress.

I took a half day vacation day yesterday to finish cleaning the rental house I was in so it could be shown to potential renters. WW said "now what are you going to do when you have to move out?" I did not respond at all to this. Later I was comming in from the garage and she met me at the door and put her arms out against my shoulders and said "you cannot come back into this house" then laughed and walked away. WW seems to be in a good mood for the most part. We talk more than we used to chit chat nothing serious, I'm avoiding that for now.

Still working on plan A and hoping for the best.

FL My Story

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: FogLight ]</small>

Sorry you are going through such a hard time. I'm not following, does she want your marriage or not? Praying for you.

RHM I edited my post to include my story. In a nut shell, WW is having an EA for at least 4 months. Has stated she wants a divorce but I told her no.

FL

My Story

My wife had a EA from jan 04 through dec 04. I discovered it when she told me last may that her freind acused her of a affair. what does she say to a MC? Tell her you know your not a perfect H and you think a MC will help you meet her needs. Remember when things like this get exposed you are the bad guy to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> The OM told my preacer I was abusive mentaly and verbaly to my wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He didn't believe it of course because he seen everything that was going on. I'm not sure if she is mad at you or feeling guilty. Maybe both.

RHM

Good work, FL. Please do not compromise and take turns in the bed. I suggest that when it comes time to wash the sheets that you not re-install the fence. If she asks if you're going to put it back, consider responding, "I wasn't going to - it's kinda silly, don't you think?"

That said, if your progress keeps trending in the right direction, I will no longer be able to advise you - I never made it this far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 07:01 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

FogLight,

Just want to let you know I’m still following your progress. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I took a half day vacation day yesterday to finish cleaning the rental house I was in so it could be shown to potential renters. WW said "now what are you going to do when you have to move out?" I did not respond at all to this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I applaud you for not responding on your W’s comment above… Your silence was probably the best answer.... If it was me, I would probably say something like ”Honey, if someone ever have to move out, it will be YOU, because I’m here for the long haul and committed to stay and to work on our M. You already know that, don’t you?”. But probably your W would view an answer like this as a LBer…

When are you planning on give her the plan A letter? Please remember to take a look at my comments on your letter yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thanks WAT & Suzet. The plan A letter is going into her luggage when she goes out of town the 31st. WAT suggested doing it that way and I thought it was a great idea. Still haven't revised to reflect your suggestion but I will.

FL

Suzet what is your perspective on her comming back to the bed, even though there is a barrier now. She also seems to be joking and flirting just a little?

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Suzet what is your perspective on her comming back to the bed, even though there is a barrier now. She also seems to be joking and flirting just a little?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Foglight, I think it is good progress. Well, personally I think the barrier is a silly request from your W and it doesn’t make sense to me at all (and this is why I haven't commented on that part in the first place), but at least you’re in the same bed now and that's a good sign! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It may feel like babysteps to you, but at least it is some progress... However, I hope the barrier will disappear soon… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The fact that your W is flirting and joking with you is good signs too… It shows she is in a 'playful' mood and that's good... I think she is ‘playing’ with you (in a good way) – therefore the jokes and flirting with you… Maybe the barrier in the bed is part of this - part of a 'game' she is playing? Who knows!

Suzet

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hey Suzet, It really was not her request, It was my suggestion. I was just trying to get her back in the bed some way some how and it worked. I did have to promise not to touch her however. In the past she said it was "impossible to resist me" so that is why she was sleeping on the couch? Sounds crazy doesn't it! We did have SF on several occasions prior to my moving back in but she stopped that and said she should have not done it because it led me on?? Anyway I ingnore that statement. She also said she "loved" SF "with me" and that she "was afraid that she could not ever find anyone as good" This is what she throws up quite a lot that SF is all we have together.

FL

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: FogLight ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what she throws up quite a lot that SF is all we have together.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Foglight this is why this is all good. You are reconnecting on a level which was lacking preceding her afair.

I think returning to SF intimacy slowly, step by step is a very good thing. As it increases the other types of intimacy connections.

Kind of like when you first begin dating someone and the dance leading to sexual intimacy is slow and wonderful.

And you are building a new marriage, not recreating the old, broken one.

Thanks for the comment weaver.

FL

FL -

Glad to hear about the recent developments! Keep up the good work. I am especially pleased to hear about the flirting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The flrting and your SF comments gave me an idea...

Perhaps (and that's a big Perhaps), you should wait for her to initiate SF. And then when she does, tell her you are not quite ready to take that step yet... Tell her you want to continue to connect on deeper level with her.

This could add a new twist to her thinking about you. Who is this man, Foglight? Has he lost interest in me? Is he interested in another woman?

FL - the timing would have to be just right, but it could be interesting, huh?

WAT and Suzet, others - what do y'all think?

Gib

I like it Gib!

Maybe he could tell her at this stage he is only comfortable going to 1st base. Then once they have connected further they could move to 2nd base, and so on and so forth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No not really, just kidding.

I do like your idea, but don't know how it ties into Plan A, especially if SF is one of her top EN's.

Doubtful if Foglight could decline her advances anyway.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Hi, FogLight.

I agree with weaver, and furthermore, make sure that after you have sex again, you do not return to pre-affair, post sex rituals.

In other words, make sure that you don't do what you were doing before.

If you were touchy/feely/grabby/needy after sex, then put on the steely-eyed hero uniform.

If you were a 'pat her on the butt and get up for a beer' kind of guy, then you will want to talk and cuddle.

Here is the hard pill to swallow part; your wife found something attractive about this other man, and I don't mean his looks. He listens to her. He validates her. He treats her like her opinion counts. He is paying attention to her in a way that she wants or needs.

I am not telling you to try and be like the other man. You obviously have traits that she finds desirable - she married you.

Learn what you can from this experience and apply it to yourself. Do NOT ask her about what the other man is or has been giving her. See if you can figure it out for yourself.

Right now, she is seeing changes in you. Do NOT get comfortable and let this slide. Keep up the steely-eyed hero. Make sure he is well feed and functional. Continue to be there for your son.

Lose the blanket. That was a good idea and made her feel safe, but once only. No turns on the bed. No games.

I know that the idea of the business trip must be bothering you. What are your plans?

Gimble

Thanks for the comments. Gimble I asked her when she was going to Pitts last night and she said Boss might want her to go to detroit instead to learn new computer system. I truly think its legit but I don't know where she would be staying to check for OM reservation like I can in Pitts.
So I'm just sitting in waiting and trying not to ask for too much. Also I know for sure if I loose the blanket she will return to the couch. I want to let this go on for a little bit. My birthday is Sunday and who knows?

FL

FogLight.

I have to throw out my damper as a reminder here. This may sting a bit, and ultimately, the decision is yours.

It is not a 'lovebuster' to save your own life.

My personal boundary, is that given your situation, I would not have sex unless I was POSITIVE that she has not been physical with the other man.

If I were unsure, then I would want a full set of STD screenings done before I would have sex with her. There are simply too many diseases that a condom won't protect you from.

Enough said.

Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> she said Boss might want her to go to detroit instead to learn new computer system.
FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there any chance you could talk to her boss, and tell him what is going on without ruining her job?

Maybe he is a kind soul and will cancel the trip. At least you will find out if the trip is legit.

What do you think?

Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> My birthday is Sunday and who knows?

FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to bombard you with posts.

From your above statement, I am assuming that you are wanting sex on your birthday?

All I can say to you right now, is to lose your sex drive for a while. Don't let it into your decision/behavior mix right now. I know that is a hard thing for you to do, but it is something that you need to do. Right now, your sex drive will steer you into compromises that are going to slow you down.

I am not saying that you shouldn't have sex, but that your statement above indicates that your little head is making decisions. That is not a good idea. The steely-eyed hero needs to be in charge, not the little guy.

Gimble

Gimble, I can take the sex drive in hand if you know what I mean. As far as the boss he is new and I have never met him, not sure how to approach this either. I am sure, still, that they have never met.

FL