FWH and I attended our second MC session last night. It went o-k. I learned that he did see OW right up until the time he told me he wanted to come home in November. He said he was tired of the way he was living and missed his life so he told OW he was going home to work on his M and that was the end of the A. While he was home with me after the baby was born he only coorospondence he had with OW was via a group e-mail to tell people the baby was born and then to send pictures. Appartenly when he went back to work, she made some comment to him like thanks for calling me (sarcastic). Since then he says he does not talk to her at all unless it is work related and she does not pursue him. I can't understand how this could be, she had an A with my H, then left her H, kept seeing my H and is now ended up divorced and then dumped by my H. How could she be alright with this?

He never said he wanted to come home because he missed me, it was all about how he didn't like his life and what he was missing. He did say all of our problems were his fault because of what he did. However, I still don't think he gets it. I don't think he has any idea of what I went through and still am going through. The C seemed to want to focus on going forward instead of what happened. We talked a little about the A when I brought the conversation back to that but she kept talking about how we need to spend time together going forward and stuff like that.

We seem to be on the right path going forward, spending time together, talking and stuff like that. But in my mind we can't more forward, or at least I can't, until the past is dealt with. I just don't know how to deal with the past. Do I tell him what my life was like when he was gone? How I cried every day, sometimes so hard me entire body ached. While he was out having fun, I was trying to figure out how to be a single mother and miserable thinking I was going to miss half of my childs life? How I feel he took away from me what should have been a special time in my life, you're only pregnant for the first time once. I loved being pregnant but couldn't really enjoy it. Do I tell him how hard it was coming home home to an empty house every night, having to take care of all the animals, the house and then myself when I had no energy? He still has not apologized to me, but if I have to bring it up it's not the same.

I really feel we are doing better going forward. We spend all our time together, go to church, talk and make the effort that we never did before. Do I just need to forget about the past and focus on the future? I just don't know what to do from here.

kloe - I am so happy for your recovery! I do believe that counseling will help you both. It is right to move on and do happier things together. But not at the expense of sweeping it all under the rug.

I would continue counseling, and after a few sessions, bring it up again. Also your husband should not be working with OW.

We're actually working on the job issue for him. He just sent me an e-mail that he wants to talk about it tonight. If we can work it out, he may quit and stay home with the baby.

That would be very good. He needs to get out of there, for your feelings of being secure.

He is probably not ready to look at the awful mess he made, but does need to face it at some point. Now is the time to figure out what went wrong and fix it. Hang in there.

Kloe, I get so angry when I hear MCs tell the BS to just move forward without any processing of the A. Maybe your MC doesn't feel this way, but it sounded like it from what you said. I am here to tell you that you experienced a huge trauma. It is a noted fact that a BS suffers from (PTSD) which is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. You don't just get over that. It would be like telling someone who was raped just move on with your life like nothing happened. Being betrayed in this way is like being raped by the person we loved and him watching his fellow perpetrator rob us at the same time. Sorry, this really gets to me.

It's great that you and your H are doing the action steps to become closer. However, you need to personally heal from this. My dad was dying and died during my H's A. You were pregnant and your H abandoned you. Both of those situations are what I call double whammies. The As were bad enough, but those situations make them extra awful. Although they're not uncommon.

My H and I periodically counseled with Steve Harley this past year. He told us that we have to clean out the wound. We have to talk about the A and understand how my H "failed to protect his weaknesses." At some point your H has to allow you to ask your questions and hold you while you cry and tell him what this A did to you. It's a process that he might not be ready to deal with now. But if you never do this it is like Steve explained to us. A marathon runner trying to run the race with a huge gash in his leg. If the wound has never been cleaned out and bandaged properly, he'll never finish the race.

The profession I'm in is counseling and it is perfectly OK to talk to your MC about this. A good therapist is open to discussing their views and to hearing yours. I think your gut is telling you you need more that just moving forward. HUGS! CV

My H is willing to talk about the A and answer any questions that I have. He is an open book and willing to do what ever I want. I just don't think he sees the impact of his A, there were no consequences for him. He got to have his fun and then come back to me in time for the baby to be born. I even let him go to child birth classes with me. We talked a little bit about why it happened but he is just so matter of fact and non-emotional about it. I just don't know what I need to do in order to move forward.

K,

I think what I'm seeing here, is a plea from you that looks a little like this..

"I want you to ACKNOWLEDGE that you HURT me, and I want you to CARE"

That would be a good place to start.

Noodle

kloe,

There is nothing wrong with telling both your H and the MC that "I want nothing better than to move forward...that is why I am here. Before I do that, I would like one, and only one, opportunity to describe what my life was like while he was gone. He had been open and honest about what he was doing while he was gone, I need to do the same. Honesty is the only way to make this real and regrettable enough to prevent it. I am not ashamed of the fact that I need my husband to show some remorse, compensation and understanding for the past before forging ahead. I have no desire to punish him, at the same time...it must be REAL in a way that silence cannot create. I want the opportunity to have a future where I leave this behind rather than suffer longer because it was left unsaid."

I have been hesitant in telling him what my life was like while he was gone because I don't want him to think I'm doing it to make him feel guilty. Plus he has never asked, which makes me feel like he doesn't care. But I know I need to get it out in order to be able to move on. I would like to believe that once I tell him he will finally show some emotion and tell me he is sorry. We'll see. We don't go back to the MC until the 23rd.

Print out this entire thread and give it to both your counselor and your H.

What no one ever seems to understand -- and what your H and your counselor clearly do not understand -- is that the affair did not happen to your H. It happened to YOU. It's exactly like you said: for your H, the affair was a big fun time. For you, it was misery, suffering, fear, abandonment and loneliness. Until somebody GETS that and ACKNOWLEDGES it, you will not be able to move forward -- at least, not with your H.

Why does your counselor think that just because your H is handling his affair just fine, you should be handling it just fine too? Does this counselor not understand that the affair was a TOTALLY different experience for you than it was for your H???

The trauma didn't happen to your H. He was just having a good time. It happened to YOU. Sheesh.
Mulan

Kloe, I wss fortunate in that when the truth began to dribble out my H finally saw my pain and it caused him to feel deep remorse. However, even when the BS has an obviously remorseful and guiltridden S, the FWS still generally hates seeing the pain he/she caused. If the FWS has a conscience, when they allow themselves to experience their BS's pain and anger, then the FWS feels like a bigger piece of crap. At least this has been our experience. But you know what, those are the consequences of an A. An A causes great pain. Part of the deal here is that you have to allow your H to see your pain. You have to determin what you need to heal. What you need from him to heal. His A had a great impact on you and your M. If he doesn't really get that, then how protected are you and your M?

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? This is a great book on work As. My H's A was one of these. Also "Torn Asunder" does a good job of explaining the pain of the BS. CV

The pain that it will inflict on my FWH to tell him about my own pain is very difficult for me. Even though he hurt me horribly, I do not wish that same pain, or any pain on him. I do wish it on OW though. Lately, I just keep thinking about how I want her to hurt like I did and I wish I could cause that pain. I know this is a horrible way to think and I am trying to work on that. I want to release the anger I feel towards her, it is not healthy for me. My FWH works for an accounting firm and every year they have an after tax season party on April 15th. If FWH goes this year, I will be there, and there is a good chance OW will be there. I met her years ago but don't remember her. I worry what it would be like to see her, but at least my H would be by MY side not hers.

***Even though he hurt me horribly, I do not wish that same pain, or any pain on him. I do wish it on OW though.***

Isn't it obvious that it is much easier to direct your anger at OW instead of at H?

Are you afraid that H will leave, or be angry at you, if he sees how you really feel?

***Lately, I just keep thinking about how I want her to hurt like I did and I wish I could cause that pain. I know this is a horrible way to think and I am trying to work on that.***

Frankly, no, I don't think this is a horrible way to feel. You are just trying to protect yourself and keep something like this from happening again.

As someone on this site once said -- I think it was Noodle -- "Never protect anyone from the consequences of their actions." If you do, what reason do they have to avoid doing those same actions in the future?
Mulan

FWH's company is having a happy hour after work for the entire company, then some of his friends are planning on sticking around and just hanging out. One of the friends being a good friend of ours so I know OW will not be there, I'm not worried about that. I asked if I could go, my Mom will take the baby home with her. He said I could but I know he really doesn't want me there. I'm not worried about him doing something he shouldn't, he gave up all alcohol for Lent so he won't be drinking just hanging out. When we first starting dating we worked in the same building and always went to happy hour together and had a good time. I just want him to want to spend fun time with me. I think that he thinks it will be awkward for me since I don't know everyone, and I'll be like a third wheel. He does not like being in situations where he doesn't know anyone, it doesn't bother me. I like talking to new people.