My brother is going through a very difficult time right now, and I don't know how to help him.

He has 4 children, 2 from this marriage. Although he was never married before she had two children from a previous marriage. He and his wife have been having problems for at least 6 months. She has been in counseling for about 4 of those for problems from her childhood that she feels she needs to address.

Recently she felt, and claims that her counselor felt she should move out of the house and reflect on things that are bothering her. She had been staying with a friend at night but coming by in the mornings to take the kids to school.

Yesterday my brother got a call at work from a women who claimed his wife was having an affair with her husband. My brother doesn't want to believe it. He confronted her about it and she denied any of it being true. She was married before to an unfaithful man and has always said she would never do that to anyone. My brother called someone who he thought would know more about the situation and this person told him the exact same thing as the first person. But he still really doesn't want to believe it.

I have tried to be there for him and listen to him. Last night he asked me if I thought it was true, I told him that if he thought she was dishonest about everything else, I would have a hard time believing she wasn't doing it. And that those two people wouldn't want to tell him something like that, the second one especially. I am worried about him, and don't know what to do. Should I just give him time to think? I am afraid. How can I best help him?

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Bet41 ]</small>

Well....the first thing he needs to do is get out of the long winding river of DENIAL.

Second....send him here.

I know that he way not WANT to believe that his W is capable of having an A......but ANYONE is capable. There is no certain type of person that has an A.

IMHO......the counselor that she is seeing must not be a very good one to suggest that she needs to move away from her H and her kids to work on HER.....give me a break.

I personally don't think the counselor suggested that at all.....I think she alone made that decision.

JMHO of course......but it's classis for a WS.

I agree that her counselor did not suggest that. I honestly don't even think she is seeing a counselor. I feel like this is free time she has to run and do what ever she is doing, with him thinking she is working on their relationship.

I know he is worried about the kids, but how can I help him so that he does not "turn away" from me or the rest of his family in the process. Should I just listen to him, or should I tell him that I feel that she is cheating.

Well....you definately don't want to be putting his wife down in any way. That's the fastest way to get him to turn away from you.

You can toss around the "possibility" of his W cheating on him.

Just be there for him in any way that you can.

The road that a BS has to travel is the hardest, bumpiest, longest road I've ever went down.

I agree that she may not have been seeing a counselor also......especially with 4 kids and not getting any alone time to make time for an A.

What do you think it would take to convince him that his W is having an A? Is there any way that you can prove it?

I really don't have proof. I want to make suggestions that I don't think he is even thinking about right now, such as check her cell phone bill for numbers that he doesn't recognize.
Do you think that I am overstepping by doing this?

You COULD give him suggestions. NOT to prove that she IS having an A.

Maybe you should suggest that he try to prove that she isn't......and in doing so maybe the denial will wash away and the proof that he needs will either prove true or false.

Either way....it needs looked into.

I don't think you are overstepping if all you are trying to do is help him.

Though......at first....when someone finds out that their W/H is even possibly having an A it's pretty embarassing. So....he may not want to check anything out right now either himself....or letting anyone else know...out of fear that what he finds may be damning to his W.

Whew. Thanks for the advice. I really do just want to do anything I can to help him handle this right now. I understand that he doesn't want to believe it is true, but I am having a hard time trying to put myself in his position enough to understand why with everything that is leading to an A, how he can not acknowledge it.

I really just want to help him see it clearer now. I don't want him to look back on it and then realize what everyone else saw and feel like a fool. I guess there may be no way to avoid these feelings.

One final question, in the last post are you saying that you think it would possibly be okay to suggest that he check her phone bill as a way of proving to himself that she is not cheating. Say something like "Maybe you should check her phone bill, that will prove that she has not been talking to this guy. If she had it would show up on a bill."

Again, thanks VERY much for listening and the advice.

Bet,

It is very nice of you to want to help your brother. Buy and read Surviving an Affair. It has some helpful advice for friends and relatives who want to help their loved ones. Then you can give it to your brother. Also try to get your brother to read this forum, that might help him to open his eyes. The best of luck to you.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH MISS PRISS.
and to notsadman28 I don't know why you would consider that good advice. I was having a very helpful discussion with Miss Priss. But if you are a board moderator or a type of person that assists people in need of help, I guess I will just have to look for help somewhere else.

Again I really appreciate your sincere effort to help me Miss P. But apparently I need to go buy the book, read it, and then prepare questions that are acceptable here.

Bet41
I think you misunderstood the last post. Nobody is telling you that you cannot post here.
You are free to write here and pose your questions. This is a public forum.
There is a lot of stuff to read on the website but you can also check out the book written by Dr. Harley. There is a certain philosophy to Marriage Building according to Dr. Harley and it is very useful to get to know it before posting. It will answer many of your questions.
Don't leave.Your questions were fine and I'm sure other experienced posters will soon come to give you a hand, although Miss Priss was the first and did a great job.

and to notsadman28 I don't know why you would consider that good advice. I was having a very helpful discussion with Miss Priss. But if you are a board moderator or a type of person that assists people in need of help, I guess I will just have to look for help somewhere else.

Again I really appreciate your sincere effort to help me Miss P. But apparently I need to go buy the book, read it, and then prepare questions that are acceptable here.

I'm not a moderator. But let me tell you that this is an open forum, if I want to say that you should do this or that then I can say it. If you don't like it then leave. Saying that let review my message.

It is very nice of you to want to help your brother.

What is wrong with that? I really thought you were a nice good person, I wish I had someone to help me during my rollercoaster.


Buy and read Surviving an Affair.

This is the number one advice given in this forum.

It has some helpful advice for friends and relatives who want to help their loved ones.

Actually, this is wrong the advice for friends and family is given in Tourn Assounder.


Then you can give it to your brother. Also try to get your brother to read this forum, that might help him to open his eyes. The best of luck to you.

From what I read your brother is in denial (also pointed out by Miss Pris). Knowing that affairs happen all the time and to people just like us is a good way of coming out of the BS fog.

I don't expect an apology, this is my last post to you. Just keep an open mind and don't take things too personally.

First of all....I've been on this board for going on 4 years and I've seen ALOT of posts that have really pi$$ed me off......but a response on this post has really gotten me worked up.

BET41.....I should relate to you that I'm not the most popular poster here at MB as I don't agree with ALL of the principles. I tell it like it is....and I can see things from both sides (as well as a few other posters here can) because at one time I was also a WS.

This really pi$$ed me off:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> notsosadman28
Member # 40542 posted March 03, 2005 12:39 PM
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I'm not a moderator. But let me tell you that this is an open forum, if I want to say that you should do this or that then I can say it. If you don't like it then leave. Saying that let review my message.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">notsosadman,

While I realize that you have a right to say what you want.....I think it was very rude of you to tell Bet41 that they should leave if they don't like what you are saying.

Maybe a suggestion to ignore you or your posts would have been less disrespectful....and more appropriate.

While I concur that Bet41 took your post the wrong way...and you did give some good advice...YOU have to consider the fact that Bet41 is a NEW poster. Not completely up to speed with someone that HAS read ALL the material here at MB.

Okay....I'm stepping off of my soap box now.

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Bet41,

Please....do not leave.

I admire your determination to help your brother...and with all the material that is available on this site you will do him a world of good.....and maybe get something out of it yourself.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

thank God you came back Miss Priss! I'm too inexperienced to do things like this!

Miss Priss is like a bad dream ya know.....I always come back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I may take a break here and there......but always find my way back here. Much to some peoples dismay me thinks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Seriously though....I usually only post during the mornings....before I have to start all the yucky stuff.....like housework and all that....and sometimes I pop back in in the afternoons if I've posted anything.

Well I was a little worried about the misunderstanding that occurred here and also there was another bad post on the JFO board, and I hated being a coward and not doing something about it, but I'm really not up to doing the best thing. Still have serious self esteem problems you see. So I'm glad you came back and cleared this up.

Just wanted to bump this post back up.

Bet41......you still around?

If so....please give us an update.

If you feel uneasy posting here because of something that someone said....please feel free to contact me at:

missprissatmb@yahoo.com