For the past 8 months I have felt like I have be running in crisis mode. My life seemed to be one crisis after another as a result of WW and OM’s A and the effect of that on our family. I’m good at dealing with crisis situations and have managed to navigate through the disaster that my WW has caused and I think made the best I possibly could of a bad situation. We recently signed a separation agreement that dealt with all the legal issues such as finances, custody, and support. Now I feel some security that myself and my children are protected enough we can get on with our lives with out WW’s terrible decisions causing us further harm.

But strangely enough now that I am out of crisis mode I sit here and wonder how do I move on emotionally. Instead of the adrenaline rush of trying to deal with each pending crisis I’m left with an empty feeling in my heart and an empty spot in our family where my WW used to be. Our marriage is over I realized that a couple of months ago. Fog or no fog, A or no A. Its over. I refuse to go back to that.

The problem is that I still spend way too much time and energy worrying and thinking about WW, OM and their (still ongoing) A. I am still very angry and hurt about the betrayal of the A. I still want to destroy their relationship and end the A. I want WW to feel what like to be alone like I am. I want justice. I’m not sure why anymore though. Its sucking up a lot of my energy for what?

I want to move on and not care about it anymore. I think I need to forgive WW on some level in order to move on but I don’t know how to do that. I am still so angry and hurt about it I just don’t feel like I can forgive.

How do I get past this?

Miker

If I understand correctly you are already divorced. If so, (if you are still married ignore this) when you are ready (& only when you are ready) you might want to join a Church's singles group or ask a Christian person to introduce you to a nice Christian women. I promise you there are going to be many nice single women out there that will find the fact that you are stepping up to the pplate and raising your 3 kids by yourself extremely attractive. I would also advise giving your hurt and bitterness to God and Jesus. There is a book I have mentioned before by Joel Olsteen the pastor of Lakewood Church called Your Best Life Now. It is not specifically about marriage or affairs, but addresses forgiveness and healing.

Thanks Stormy,

Not yet officially divorced but it is more because of the legal system where I live than anything else. Will be divorced this summer.

I really don't think I'm quite ready to jump back into the saddle again. Still trying to find out who I am again. Friends have also suggested dating to move on. Thanks for all the kind words.

I was doing some thinking about how to move on and I think there are some real simple, obvious stuff I can do regarding my specific situation :

1. Stop having WW have her visitation with the kids at my house. I know you all are probably all going "Duh?" but I never thought until now that it might be prolonging my ability to move on. Duh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2. Get rid of WW stuff out my house. I tell people it doesn't bug me, and I don't think it really does but maybe its making it more difficult to move on. Double Duh?

3. Stop spending so much time at MB. As much as I want to help, hearing other persons problems illuminates mine. I think I need to take a break and come back when I have moved on.

Whatdya think? Is it a start?

Miker

Hi Miker,

I can sympathize with how you are feeling.

I am 17 months into this and past DDay and I am feeling much better.I do still have my days but they are much less than before.It's a process that everyone gets through at their own pace.

If I weren't so majorly organized and efficient in my life,I don't think I would have handled this as well.I am the type of person that can go into any situation and have it up and running effciently and smoothly and all people happy as clams.So I dealt with this "crisis"(trauma) the same way.Things are very clear to me all time.I have had some moments where I felt lost but they never last long.My true self rises to the occasion.

You will get there too.You cannot rush your emotions along so let them come and ride them out.This is why I am SO adamant about NOT dating or even having more than very superficial cordial contact with those of the opposite sex when you are going through this and even awhile after D.You have to let your heart and mind heal.Having another person come into your life when you are not ready or properly able to have that is not wise.

And you don't have to forgive until you are ready.There is no timetable on this.I am not forgiving my WH and the homewrecker yet.In fact,that is not even a blip on the radar right now.I have more pressing issues to attend to first,like my beautiful daughters.

What has helped me too coincides with your numbered statements.

1)I do not allow my WH to have his "parenting time" at my home anymore.It was too painful and it's just not right IMO.he no longer lives here and I have a new life to lead without him in it.He has the girls time now at a local motel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but that is the best he can do.He lives 4.5 hours away and sees the girls EOW.I cannot control that.

2) My WH fianlly moved everything out recently and I have made sure there is nothing left that is his.The girls have their pictures of him and his things that he gave them but they do not sit where I can see them.He is no longer in our lives as husband and father,the way we were used to so my home is completely void of him.I feel better not seeing remembrances like that.All my old love letters and pictures,etc I have put in boxes and they are in my cellar now.

3)Spending time on MB is a personal choice.I do admit that it's taking up a lot of my time and I am not sure that I can keep doing that but right now it feels right.I am not hurt reading other's stories really(in the sense that I can't offer "advice") but my motivation for being here is helping other's.I may just end up like Pep and WAT,etc and be an old timer.That's most likely what will happen.Do what you feel in your heart.

Don't be in a rush to "move on".That is a common theme here but allow yourself to go through this at your own pace.It's important.It's not so bad to be alone and be with yourself ya know? Maybe get reacquainted with Miker first~

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

edited for pesky typos

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Miker,

For what it is worth, I offer my thoughts as a FWW in my 1st M. Because I didn't actually love my 1st H anymore, I never, I mean never felt any guilt or remorse for my A's. It is so hard for me to admit it, because I am not a bad person, but FOG is real.

It is funny, and I don't mean ha ha funny, that I finally understood XH's perspective when I became a BS. Then and only then, I understood what I had put him through and apologized to him. He knew I meant it and sincerely accepted it and actually comforted me.

Part of me thinks that this is a great case of what comes around, goes around and that I got what I deserved for treating my XH so shabbily.

Nice man, he didn't even gloat.

Miker, it sounds like you are on the right track.
Best Wishes,
Stormy

OG,

Yes I think I am a bit impatient. I just want it to all just go away and it doesn't quite work that way. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm going to try making those small changes and see how things go. Hopefully I can get past this bit of rough water.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Diane,

I appreciate you writing to me. If I was a betting man I would bet my WW will be a BS at some point as well. I know the guy she got involved with and I would put money that she won't be the last person he cheats with. But who knows maybe she'll beat him to the punch. I know its not very nice, but I am kind of hoping it does happen so she can know how it feels.

Stormy,

Thanks. I hope I am on the right track. I guess I just have to be patient... sigh...

Miker

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

Miker, it sounds you are right on track in the recovery department. Although I would expect it to take a little more time with you than with others whose marriages reconciled. You don't have the benefit of a remorseful spouse. You simply have to accept the damage left in her wake and try to learn to live with it.

But, like the others said, it really does take time. You went through the worst trauma that a married person can experience.

As far as forgiveness, you should certainly be open to that IF your W ever makes amends and asks for it. Until then, there is nothing to forgive. But you CAN definitely get over your rightful anger as time goes on.

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks Melody.

You always have such great advice. I really respect your opinion.

Yes I guess its a bit premature to try to forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven. Isn't it? I guess I am just so desperate to try to find some inner peace with this I'm trying to rush things.

I think maybe the proper frame of mind right now for me is to "agree to disagree". There is no way I can agree that her current lifestyle or the decisions she made are right and I won't pretend to but I can agree that what done is done and we both have to deal with our own lives separately now. She has to find her own path, as do I. They just are no longer intertwined and crossed.

Miker

Well started putting my plan into action.

Asked WW for her keys to my house (again seems pretty obvious doesn't it). She handed them over without any discussion, although she did look a bit hurt. It kind of bugged me too, not sure why. Its not like I have keys to her place.

My kids asked me why I took Mommy's keys and I said, "Mommy doesn't live here anymore. You girls do though so I'm giving her keys to you." They seemed ok with that. I also had a great conversation with DD10 about the divorce. She seems to be coping really well. Issues with a friend at school seem to be more on her mind than the divorce. That's good. I'm glad its taken 2nd place.

Haven't had time to start sorting through WW's stuff yet and getting rid of it but I planning getting that done gradually by the end of summer. I think giving the house a new paint job would also do wonders for "out with old", "in with the new".

Staying away from MB? Haven't done very well at that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think it was just a stage I was going though. Sometimes the pain on here gets overwhelming. But I've had some really good discussions on MB about forgiveness which in the end I think have really helped and I seem content with letting things take its due course and not rushing things.

Also WW seems to want to take the kids a bit more often than she has over the last 8 months, so maybe I'll get some time to myself. Not sure what I'll do with myself though... I guess that cleaning and painting job is waiting...


Cheers,

Miker

Miker,

I am glad your kids seem to be doing okay, and that you are willing to talk to them about this. You are a good dad, and they are lucky to have you.

I think you are doing just fine, and the anger will go away as your life moves forward. After awhile you won't care about what she is up to, it will cease to have any effect on you I think.

It just takes time as the others have said.

I tried to date awhile back but that was more upsetting to me then being alone, so I jinxed that idea.

I also have tried off and on to leave MB because I worry it is making it too easy for me to stay home and not socialize in the "real" world, but maybe I am not quite ready for that either.

You are going to be okay Miker. I am so happy you have your kids with you.

You might want to talk to Graycloud some, as he is in a similar sitch to yours except that he has no children and no contact. He does struggle with anger, forgiveness and not caring though.

It is okay to forgive someone even if they have not asked for forgiveness. My Dad made a lot of huge mistakes when I was a kid and teen. He never asked for forgiveness in any form or way. When at the age of 28 (I am 31 now) I gave birth to my first child I was finally able to forgive him completely on my own. When I was finally able to forgive it helped me heal so much. It was like I was carrying around this posion of bitterness in my life towards my Dad and when I finally forgave the posion was finally released. It set me free and made me life better. Not forgiving did not hurt my Dad much, but it was hurting me a ton. When you are ready forgiveness is am awesome thing for yourself.

Weaver,

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I read your other thread about your child custody issues. I really hope it works out ok for you and your daughter.

Regarding dating… I’ve said on other threads “I’m glad I’m still married so I have a good excuse not to…” Right after Dday I was kind of excited about the prospects of dating but now I am more scared than anything else. There are several issues I will have to overcome. I haven’t been on a date with anyone other than WW since I was in my teens so saying I’m a bit rusty is an understatement.

There is the whole kid issue. I’m my kids rock right now. They know Mom’s out doing dating people (and was dating people while we were married) and they definitely didn’t react positively to it. If I was to start doing the same I think it would really turn their world upside down. If/when I do want to start, I think its best I introduce the concept to them even before I start dating by saying something like “Hey I’m thinking about going on a dates with other women. What do you think about that?” And just test the waters a bit before I jump. I’m not sure when they’ll be ready but it’ll probably be before me!

I don’t think GC has responded to any of my threads, but I have read some of his posts and do respect his opinion.

Take care Weaver.


Stormy,

Forgiveness. I do understand what you are saying. I do want to forgive because as you say it frees you and lets you move on. I think I have to keep my mind open to forgiveness at some point but right now it just doesn’t seem possible. She hasn’t even admitted that what she’s done is wrong or a mistake or even that our marriage was a marriage. Its still the same fog crap “Its all your fault…” “I don’t know why I did it, it just happened…” “Our marriage was already over years ago…” There is no way I can forgive someone who still believes this crap. I think it will not be possible until she sees the sins and wrongs she has done and realized the extent of the pain she has caused her friends and family. Maybe she has and just hasn't said anything to me, but I don't think so from the way she continues to act.

Another thing that I’ve noticed with myself which I wonder whether others have similar feelings. At this stage I cannot stand to be in the same room or even speak to my WW. I just feel like I want to run out. I am totally avoiding her. I want nothing to do with her. I can’t really, because my kids have contact with her but if I could I think I would personally never want to see her again. Is this normal? Will I at some point want to be able to have a nice, friendly conversation with her ? Right now I have no desire whatsoever to do that. I am still slightly attracted to her physically but that doesn’t say much as I am a man, and in any given day I probably encounter 10-15 women I’m physically attracted to! Still doesn’t mean I want to have anything to do with them.

I’m rambling…

Miker

I think it is very normal. Healing takes a lot of time and most likely you will go through different stages.

I admire you for being the rock for your kids. That is awesome.

I'm continuing to move ahead with some of the steps I decided I needed to move on. I think it is starting working as I do seem to be starting to feel a bit more peaceful inside.

I do notice, however, I seem to feel sad that I am moving on. I am having a lot of reflections of the good times WW and I had and how she was when we were first together. I see no resemblence of that person in her anymore but I miss that person and the times we shared.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Miker