Hi, I know this is redundant to some and in some other threads I saw great impatience about it, but I am having a hard time believing it is anything but revengeful and attention seeking. My reasons are it looks like the BS is doing it for selfish reasons.

I believe the OP's spouse knows, deep down, just like we all knew, and will face it when they are ready. The OP's spouse can find evidense very easily, if they choose. And, how do we really know the OP's spouse doesn't already know? It isn't something u can ask ur spouse, they would lie I'm sure. I saw e-mails from the OW to my H and she said "at least I didn't hurt my family like you did" and know one knows on my side.

What a crock! Her S and D's (2) definitly were affected by her deception and I'm willing to bet that the husband had lots of clues as to something going on. My H and OP even tried to have sex in her sister's house while her sister was on vacation! Maybe it is this "fog" people refer to...

Instead of contacting the OP's spouse, I want to contact her. I am really struggeling with it as I know that there isn't a good reason on my side to do so, I need to focus on me and my family. It is completely irrational, but yet I can't stop thinking about it and plotting it...any suggestions?

Has your H broken off all contact with the OW? If so there might not be a reason to do it. That is a desicion you have to make. If you H has contact again I wouldn't hesitate to contact the OW's H. Just my opinion.

1. Affairs are like cockroaches - secrecy and darkness allow them to thrive.

2. Affairs are fantasy - the secrecy allows the fantasy and illusion that this is the perfect relationship to continue. Disclosure is the wake-up call; the fog-horn; the lighthouse that tells a foggy person that their life is on the rocks.

3. Once you shine the light of day (disclosure) on the affair to those who have influence on the attitudes and behavior of the parties to the affair, there is no more secret. The affair parties can try to lie (pull darkness and shroud of secrecy back over the affair - so that it can continue), but if the disclosure is thorough, the fantasy can never be fully restored.

So if you want to do everything you can to end your husband's affair, you must disclose - out of an attitude that you will do what ever it takes.

Think of it like an alcoholic intervention. Disclosure is an act of love for an alcoholic. Then why not someone drunk on another sort of biochemical fantasy?

Let me ask you something. If your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him, would you sit around and make excuses to not warn him he was being robbed behind his back? Would you waste time pondering if your "motives" were correct? Doesn't that sound crazy?

So why would you apply a different principle to a much more heinous crime?

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

nab-

I wish my WH's OW had a fricken spouse, I'd be all over exposing to him.

You expose to the OW's H so he can put added pressure on the A to end. It's likely that faced with a divorce the OW will pull out of the relationship, or if not, it will put a serious crimp in their style. The point is to make them uncomfortable...to break the affair fantasy bubble. Yes, I'm sure it does make you look like you're vindictive, but I called everyone I could think of that would make me WH and the OW as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

I know that the people I called probably think, Oh his wife is really going off the deep end. But you know what? I'm not remotely embarrassed, I'm not the one having the affair, I've done nothing to be embarrassed about.

I did write a letter to OW's employer, and they elected not to do anything about it, as it was a personal matter, but that's okay, you know they had to at least put the letter in her file...AND now they know what a skank they have working for them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Since you have done some reading here, surely you have read numerous accounts of people who have many many clues to their spouses infidelity, feel suspicious, jealous and confused, yet can't accept the horrible reality of the evidence. They usually allow the ws to explain the evidence away for them with lies.
So, by telling the op spouse directly, you assist them in overriding their own denial about the infidelity, to face the truth about the state of their marriage so they can make informed decisions as to what to do with their own life and future.
When faced with the horror of infidelity, most people can easily be talked out of believing that their spouse is capable of it, until someone else clues them in.
Just because you want revenge doesn't make it wrong to tell the op spouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Revenge should NOT be the deciding factor, since revenge is wrong--but a desire for revenge can co-exist with good reasons to tell. You have to sort out your own situation and motives.
A better question might be, why NOT tell the op spouse? Didn't you want to know?

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: realitychkd chick ]</small>

Just reverse the scenario.

If you were in the dark about your spouse's affair and OP's spouse could tell you - or ANYONE could tell you, would you like to know?

If you wouldn't, then your value system or sense of self differs from most others and no reason for informing the OP's spouse will make sense to you.

nabohio,


More experienced poster will surely help you. Give them some time to drink their coffee. Anyway here is my opinion.

* Exposing the A to OWH can be a powerfull tool to stop an ongoing A. A are about secrecy. Taking the secrecy of the A helps it die faster.

* OWH has a right to know it is the moral thing to do. But we are humans and we usually don't give a damn about people we don't know and care about. So, IMHO, that is only an excuse for a BS to reveal the A (specially if it is already over). I'm more inclined to think as you are about revenge being the real feeling beneath the BS intentions.

* OPS might be the reason why OP is having NC with your S. Exposing the A might give OP a reason to contact your S and then all hell can break loose.

* Your S probably still has feelings for OP and by exposing the A you are hurting OP and thus you are hurting your S. Might be a huge LB.

Personally I thought about contacting OMW, but I didn't do it. I believe the A is over and I don't want it to back fire. If my FWW some day feels that OMW has a right to know then I will support her and we will let her know together. Still I don't believe that will happen.

Best wishes to you and your H.

The best insurance you could possibly buy against a resumption of the affair is exposure to the OWH. If you don't expose to him, you do so at your own peril. Exposure to the OP spouse is probably the single most effective tool you have at your disposal to ensure the end of this affair.

Not only that, but the OP spouse needs to be warned that his W is/was having an affair so he can protect himself and his children from her. Telling him helps prevent a resumption of the affair because now you have 2 people watching them instead of 1.

The most compassionate thing you could do is to call this man up and tell him that he is being destroyed behind his back so he can protect himself and his children. That is an act of decency that you OWE to him.

Why WOULDN'T YOU expose to OWH ? What gives YOU the special dispecsation to tell OWH what he needs in order to make decisions about his own life?

Why would you NOT want this fellow victim as an ally in keeping the infidels apart ?

Why would you NOT want the expose your H's affaor to th elight of scrutiny to test teh strength of its bindings?

Why would you not want to take the most direct action possible to stop enabling your Hs affair, and instead to STOP it?

What the hell has ANY of that got to do with vengeance and attention seeking?

Did I expose out of vengeance and attention seeking? No

Was I HAPPY that OM got to dodge some crockery and face the consequnces of his choices YES !
Me, and many others, would be pathetic divorcees today if we had not exposed to OPS.

Your choice. Bear the affair in cowardice or take an action that will lance the boil of the affair AND probably shames the devil.

Bear in mind that exposure to OM GF in my case actually catalysed THEM rebuilding their M too. OM GF thanked me profoundly for having the courage to do it.

Take it from me - I didn't and just found out last night it is still going on. So just do it.

Thanks, all of this has been helpful and I will need to think it over. There has been NC since Nov. 04. He blind copied me on an e-mail he sent to her saying he wouldn't be contacting her anymore. Of course, I am heavily on guard because he said this in 09/03 but started continuing it less than 2 weeks later. He lived in OH and I lived in NJ at the time and we were supposedly "trying". We went to MC 4 times that fall but dropped out. When I came to OH in 09/04, I started going thru all his stuff and found a calling card he used to keep in contact as part of our deal to stay together was that he had to show me his cell phone and business line bills every mo. He denied until I told him MCI provided me with the phone no., which were her cell and work. The next disclosure was that he was acting secretive on the computer so I downloaded spyware (e-blaster is great). I saw text messages and e-mails. Long story short, he denied until I quoted from the e-mails. After a few days, I told him I wouldn't consider continuing our marriage until he met the following conditions; (1) NC, with proof (2) complete honesty (3) seek IC and MC.

Because of the spyware, I know he hasn't contacted her via our computer. I also have access to his Verizon cell phone records, which only should a text on the day he sent the NC e-mail.

Anyway, my pt is, since it is several months after it ended, wouldn't it do more harm than good at this pt? I can see if I had done it right after I found out (twice), but so far after the fact?

First,

When I started to reply there were no other replies so I didn't mean to call previous poster unexperienced.

Second I agree about exposing the A when it is ongoing or you feel you need to take measures to ensure NC. If that is your case then do it now. With now warning to your WS or OP.

But if you truly believe that the A is over then don't give me that crap about morality, there a millons of people starving to death in the world and we sit comfortably in our house watching TV, having a beer and eating a snack. And it's OK. I feel like exposing the A, but I don't buy the morality excuse. Here are 2 people who will be affected by my action, I don't know them but I somehow hate one of them with all my guts and would love to see him asking for money in the streets. The other person I couldn't care less, has done nothing to hurt me and probably knows nothing about my existence. I would probably get some pleasure about making her better (empathy, reverse situtation, etc) but nothing as the pleasure I would get from destroying OM life.

Also, at least in my case the threat of exposure is also a powerful tool to help with NC. OM has a LOT to loose from it, he is a married man with 2 kids, he is wife has nothing in the US except him, if they break up she will take the kids back to her country and he will never see them again. Also he is a prof. who was having an A with a student, his student. That is a very good reason to get him fired. So I don't believe all situations are he same and there are always pros and cons from our actions we just have to analyze all the options carefully.

It's likely not over.

There is no such thing as "NC with proof." How can you prove something is not happening?

Have you determined what needs your H was having met by his affair partner?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nabohio:
<strong>

Anyway, my pt is, since it is several months after it ended, wouldn't it do more harm than good at this pt? I can see if I had done it right after I found out (twice), but so far after the fact? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whose side are you on? Because I sure can't tell. There is absolutely no way it could be harmful to buy extra insurance against resumption of the affair. There is nothing stopping her from contacting him again because you have protected her secret. You are helping her instead of yourself. You are endangering your marriage by keeping their secret.

Secondly, this man has a RIGHT to know that he is being destroyed behind his back so he can protect himself from his wife. He cannot do that if no one will tell him the truth about his life. You have a responsibility to warn this man what is going on behind his back.

Exposure may very well be the thing that puts the nail in the coffin of this affair. See, as long as the OWH does not know, the affair can resume as long as he keeps YOU FOOLED. It is much harder to carry on an affair if there are two spouses who are privy, though.

You have no legitimate reason to NOT call him, and several good reasons TO make that call.

Hmm, I hear your pts, they are good. I drove to work and thought about the responses. I thought that I know that my H wouldn't like anyone to know, especially his former co-workers. (His OW is a former co-worker). So, I thought that I would tell him IF I ever found out that the OW contacted him, and it wasn't being told to me by him, or IF I found out that he has contacted her w/o telling me that I will not only tell her spouse, but also his former co-workers. I would say it in a very calm tone, but I know he will consider it a threat. It isn't, it will be a fact.

I am sure the OW will greatly appreciate your help in keeping her secret for her. With friends like you.......

I would also point out that you likely won't know if contact resumes.

Nabohio,

How about this for a reason?

OWH has a right to know what is going on in HIS own life.

Dispute that. No wishy washy concerns about how you or your H will feel about it. Dispute that this man does not have the right to know what is happening in his life. He is a puppet. He doesn't count. He is a child. He is a pet. He is less than you, your H and OW. He's not in the club. He does not get to make his own decisions.

How revoltingly condescending.

Noodle

nabohio,

My W promised NC many times. I believed her.

I bought a house for her! A nice 5BR 4000sqft house! I paid for so many things for her! I helped out her family.

Meanwhile, she was still in contact with OM - probably sleeping with OM. If anybody had told me, it would have saved me a couple of years of my life wasted and many thousands of $$$.

We're all part of a society. It's just part of looking out for your neighbors. Please tell him.

-AD (Just one betrayed husband)

Yeah -they are all right -my just went darker on me. He hid things much better than before -does not even use the home computer anymore- meets me for lunches ect -so affectionate -well he is still contacting her and cheating.