</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notsosadman28:
<strong> There are millons of people dying of hunger in the world and WE don't do anything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't? Why not?
Many people do "do something" about it.

BTW. Congrats on your recovery.

-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I know I exagerate, I don't mean to say that noone does nothing. I myself do very little. I spend like 5 bucks a day on cigarrettes. That can feed a whole family in Africa. Most of us here have this kind of expenditures (think how much you spend on cable, internet, beer, coffee, and other luxuries). We are not responsible for other human beings. I know most of you guys here are true believers and think that you are responsible. Sorry but I'm not and I don't want to get into that kind of discussion. I just think that your message about exposing the A would be much clearer if you stick to thing that we can all relate too.

About the point made by WAT (if Im correct), Would you have liked to know? Yes I would have liked to know. And I'm angry at people I knew for not telling meor doing anything to stop the A. I'm not mad at OM friends who probably knew and could have told me too because I don't give a damn about and I don't expect anything from. I don't know OMW I can contact her easily if I wanted to, I have all their info, but I don't do it because I feel it might back fire and hurt me. I might be wrong, maybe there is some good for me that can come out of this. But guess that the only way to find out is to do it and I'm not willing to take that risk.

Nabohio, I feel very strongly that exposure is a good thing and I'm the FWW.

My H exposed to OM's W quite a long time after the A was over. We weren't getting anywhere with our recovery because I was still always on the verge of contacting OM and OM could still have contacted me.

When he rang OM's wife it was to put a stop to any more contact and let her know what she was dealing with - it wasn't out of revenge.

After that exposure any chance of contact was impossible. It's nearly a year since that now and H and I are doing wonderfully, very happy and recovered.

I also have to add that H and OM's W had NO idea at all, not an inkling, not a suspicion, nothing. My H was also very angry with people who he found out later, knew, but didn't tell him. VERY angry.

Jen

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

Hi Guys,

I exposed things straight away..to OM's wife however everybody was already aware except me! She had known at least 2 weeks prior to me and maybe longer .. 2 months or so!!

The impact was zero .. his wife did not care.. to my suprise ..wheras I was out of my mind!! This indicated to me that her husband .. or OM was a serial offender.. He was always one step ahaead of me whilst I was learning!!

i am the bs......i am over three years past d-day. i will forever regret that I DIDN'T tell ow fiance. for all i know he went on and married her...i really have no idea. i regret not making that call....and forever will to some degree. i should have let him know what was going on in his life.....no one else was.....

This has all been very helpful. I must admit that I was weighing the comments that supported not saying anything, thanks notsosadman28, I appreciate your input.

However, after reading KiwiJ's post, that really struck me as that is my worst fear, that H is waiting for things to calm down and then he will contact her. Right now, our recovery is very slow, no MC, only IC on my part. I have gotten books and read them, spend time alone to think...none of that happens with H.

I thought about the affects on the OW if I told her H, her daughters may see her for what she really is, her husband can see that she stayed in another state to work not for the family but to mess around, and her husband's parents who opened their home to her can see how she repaid them. I felt responsible to put that chain in motion, but now I see that I didn't, she did.

Thanks Nikko, I would have probably be in your position in a few years, regretful.

Cafe, I hope you consider exposing the affair.

Thanks Trix, MelodyLane, all others for your wisdom, and toughness, I needed it.

Now, how best to tell him? Oh, one of my other hesitations on doing this is that the OW kept a log of phone calls I made to her. I admit that from 10/03 to present, I periodically call her work number to see if she still works there. I thought I was doing it when she left on Friday afternoons to go to NY and she wasn't there. I know I called her a couple of times to speak to her but never had the nerve, plus she is one that screens her calls and never p.u.. So, I imagined that she would tell her H that I am the one with the problem not her.

Another question in addition to how, should I tell my H I plan on doing this?

I informed an OMW while he was in a tree on a hunting trip. His secretary gave me his cell phone number. This was when the A was still very active.

At this point, in your situation, I wouldn't inform your H ahead of time...but after, in case he would give the OW a heads up. Watch his reaction when you do. If there is any contact after that maybe your H will be willing to write a clear, short NC contact.

I would try to reach OWH directly either at home when OW isn't there or if you know where he works call there. Be prepared to forward him emails or whatever proof you have. You can be brief. Let him know that as far as you know the A has been over since Nov., your H wants to rebuild your marriage with you...and you hope it stays that way.

Look into the MB weekend or the purchase the home study program you can work on together.

The goal is to get him to see what he and you both can do to affair proof your marriage. He needs to understand how these A's happen since lots of times they think 'it just happened' or it was fate.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nabohio:
I admit that from 10/03 to present, I periodically call her work number to see if she still works there. I thought I was doing it when she left on Friday afternoons to go to NY and she wasn't there. I know I called her a couple of times to speak to her but never had the nerve, plus she is one that screens her calls and never p.u.. So, I imagined that she would tell her H that I am the one with the problem not her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand what you mean by this. What is your problem?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another question in addition to how, should I tell my H I plan on doing this? [</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NONONONONNONONO!! Don't even bother doing it if you are going to forewarn your H. Your H will warn his GF, who will then go to her H and tell him about this "jealous nut" who has imagined that she is having an affair with her H. Then when you call him up, he will not believe a word you say because you have been characterized as a "nut."

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

im glad the regret i have will help someone. please do this. do not warn your husband in advance. just do it. back it up with whatever proof you have. please for your own peace....do it.

Melodylane,

What I meant by I am the one with the problem is that last April on one of my H's weekends back home in NJ at the time, I p.u. my H's cell phone and was checking the calls when a text message came from OW. It said "let the freak-time begin". Of course, I confronted H and he denied giving OW his OH cell phone, excuse after excuse which I finally bought, because I wanted to. So two weeks after that H tells me he called OW b.c. he was "curious" how she got his cell no. and he told me that she kept a log of the calls I made to her. I was surprised as I didn't know she was there most of the time and didn't realize it had gotten to a level of OW logging them. I haven't yet, but I plan on looking at my phone records prior to calling the OWH so that I know what that number is and tell him in advance. That's why I think she will portray it as my problem. I have some e-mails but unfortunately he deleted most of them. I was too upset when I read them to have the presence of mind to print them. They are seared in my brain though, I will bring them up. I also have cell phone and regular phone records I can forward.

nabohio, I gotcha. That is a good idea to mention the calls, because she will likely try to portray you as an insanely jealous NUT. This way, you can prevent her from spinning the truth.