Here is my story, It starts about 1 ½ ago, last weekend of Aug. 2003. It is very long and doesn’t cover every detail. But I would like you to read it in order to maybe give me some advice.

My W drank too much and didn’t come home that night; this was the first time out with these people from work, known them but never associated with them. She had been at her job for going on 8 years. She stayed at Paula and Bill’s trailer. OM was also staying there he had been thrown out by his wife and was fighting with his girlfriend. My W slept with him that night, made up things over the next two weeks to be late coming home, leaving work early to meet with him. W did not come boating the next weekend in order to go to her new best friend (Paula, best friends in just one week) daughter’s wedding. My wife went with OM to wedding and then again slept with him at Paula’s trailer. I had no idea about any of this at this time. We went on vacation the following weekend, while on vacation W said she thought maybe we could split up and share our little Katie (4 yrs old at the time). I told her she was crazy for even mentioning something like that while we were on a family vacation. Got back from vacation, she called OM, he told my wife that they needed to talk, next day they talked and he dumped her, he went back to his girlfriend. My wife is now lost, she told me that she wanted to leave me and now she got dump by the person she was leaving me for. I still don’t know any thing about her A.

Here is some background. My wife works for a CPA, it is a real small office, (the boss witch is the owner, my wife, and a girl out front.) and she is the office manager. Her boss is subcontractor for DHL delivery company and has several delivery stations, one in our town, one across state (which he closed 4 months before this took place), and one in another state. Paula and OM are drivers from the local station and do not directly work out of my wife’s office, it is about 10 minutes away. Bill is Paula’s husband, Bill is also my wife’s bosses brother. Bill is the local delivery station’s manager.

My wife then turned to the manager from the station across the state to talk to him about her mess; he had cried on her shoulder before and stayed in contact with her after losing his job because the delivery station was closed. He also knows Paula and Bill and comes to visit them on occasions. Once they started talking he became the OM. As this went on I slowly noticed changes, my wife was having fake nails put on, change in underclothes. My wife use to talk about how bad the OM had it, but I notice talking about him tapered off (as their A grew). My wife started going out more and more with Paula, she was drank more in several months than she had in the past several years. At one point in Oct we were having dinner out and she told me that she wanted to leave me. She had gone out with Paula the night before. I told her this time if she wanted to leave she could, but I was going to keep Katie. The only reason she gave me for leaving was she was unhappy, but with no explanation. So I did not buy it and told her so. Her and Paula plan this big shopping weekend, it went from be at Reading and the outlet malls to Allentown. OM lives in Allentown, my wife told me that they all were going to get together and have dinner with OM. I still had no idea what was really going on yet. This trip started to turn into more to see OM and less shopping as it got closer. The first chance she had when she got back from the trip, she told me that she was leaving me, not she wanted too. This time she gave me some lame reasons and I did not buy them, this was the first time I thought something else was going on and I questioned her as to what was going on. She said nothing; this is when I started looking into everything that I could. I came up with a lot of calls to first guy on her cell phone, the day after she was out all night. It was Sunday and neither one were working. I also notice the calls getting more and more to the second OM from the end of our vacation till the last bill. So I questioned her on the first night, she told me that they had kissed and she was talking to him and meeting him the next day to get it worked out before they went back to work. Technically she would be considered his boss. Then I started on all the calls to the second OM, she said that they are just friends and she can talk to him about our problems to get a male prospective on it. I told her that I thought he is our problem and that I didn’t want her to talk to him anymore, it just not right. She came back from being with him for the weekend and wants to leave me again I just not sure how dump she thinks I am. I also noticed that the stories were changing, she could not keep the lies strieght. She promised me that she would not talk to him anymore, she then start using a phone card to talk to him, he would also call her all the time at work. I caught onto the phone card quickly. We were fighting a lot and I was trying figure out why. We came across the Marriage Builders web site; my wife went to the book store and pick up two of Dr. Harley’s books. While their our daughter was on the train and my wife could not use a pay phone so again she use her cell phone to call the OM and give him an update. Wife was all for the books, she thought they would tell her that she needed space (the co-depended thing) and that they would say that talking to OM is okay. As soon as she started reading them and found out that Dr Harley’s advice was just the opposite what she wanted to hear she no longer want to continue with his program. With all of our problems going on she planned a trip to see an old friend, she has not gone to see her for two years. Oh she lives in Harrisburg, as I found out she was visiting her one night and going to meet up with the OM the other night. As it turned out the OM could not make it. We then had a major fight at her work Christmas party, I was not to be their it was arranged by my wife and Paula to conflict with another party we were to be at and my wife said she has to do her work party. Oh by the way the OM from Allentown was to come to the wife’s work party. So I messed up her plans by being their and we ended up in a fight. That night I slept in the rec room in the basement and I cut the phone lines to the up stairs so that she would have to come down to make any phone calls. That was Sat. the 20TH. She had called my father when we got home and got him involved in our mess. We decided to see a MC. We did that Christmas Eve. She started out that it was all me and my suspicions were unfounded. The wife told me that she was going to a New Years Eve party at Paula’s, I asked what time we were going, she told me that I was not invited. I told her she was not going. As I figured as soon as she told me about it the OM was coming to stay at Paula’s. I always wanted to ask the wife wouldn’t you feel strange sleeping with the second OM in the same bed as the first OM. (I have not mention that to her.) Then I was invited to the party and suddenly at the last minute it got cancelled. We moved on from their and continued going to the MC. Until one weekend we were to go out with Paula and her husband Bill to dinner. (Bill had an A with Paula, got caught, got D, and married Paula. It is Paula’s third marriage and she cheated on her other husbands. She thinks cheating and doing what you want is OK.) This dinner was to bury the hatchet per say. My wife was taking Paula out for a girl’s day to celebrate Paula’s birthday on Sunday. I overhead my wife telling Paula she would have to get home right after dinner so if their friend showed up someone would be their. I figured out the friend was the OM and he was to come to Paula’s Saturday night so my wife could go be with him on Sunday. I was sick when I heard this and canceled out of dinner, a bad snow storm hit and the OM did not make it up, so in turn the birthday plans were also canceled, though my wife managed to make it up to Paula’s to call the OM, my wife was trying to find him a job in our town. I start to think my wife had got another cell phone; I just could not put my finger on it. At this point it did not matter; I hired a lawyer and start the paperwork to file for divorce on grounds of adultery. I did give her one more chance to come clean, I even told her think about everything she knows and assume the I also know that same information. She did not say anything. One day I sent Katie away with my parents for a few days, I changed the locks on the house and then hand delivered the divorce papers to her at her office. This upset her that I did it at her office, but I figured that was where she was conducting her secret life, and every that was evolved or helped her was connected to her through work, what better place to give her the papers. It got ugly to say the least but I was legal able to do what I did. She kept calling me and telling me that I was being unfair, and how could I do that to her. My response was how could you sleep with another man, and is that fair to me and Katie. So I told her after what she did it is not a good idea to question me on being fair and how could I do that to her. At the same time I also sent out some letter to family and friends about what and why I did what I did. Something I had learned over the last few months was my wife was really laying it on thick about how bad she had it to her new friends and people that don’t associate with me. I think she was trying to justify to herself that her A was ok. Some of the info that she was putting out was just plain lies and a lot of what she told the MC were lies. When I made up my mind to file, it was all me, it was what I knew and felt in my heart. I did not talk to any third parties about what they knew or thought, I did not want to make a wrong decision on hearsay only to find out later that the hearsay was incorrect. After I filed I then talked to the girl that worked with my wife at the office, she had been fired several weeks earlier. I believe my wife did have something to do with that because this girl knew far too much about what my wife was doing. After talking to her she confirmed a lot of what I knew plus to me some other things, such as the date my wife got the other cell phone. Dec 18TH, the phone was also in Paula’s name incase I came to the office and saw it and questioned my wife. My wife would tell me that Paula left it their and I could check it and see it was in her name. At the request of my wife I met with her over the weekend. She told me she was sorry and that she wanted to come back home, she told me that she called the OM and told him he was not worth losing everything for, and that she still loved me. I ended up going back and spending the night with her. She said she would come clean about everything at the MC. She came back home Sunday; she also decided to talk to me about it on Sunday. While we were talking, I noticed if I did not say that I knew something, she was not telling me about it. I was not real satisfied with her story, and it seems to keep turning towards me and that I made her do it. Yes I understand that I am part of the problem, but I told her the bottom line is that it does not justify you to sleep with other men while we are married. Then the phone thing came up, see told me that she got it for an emergency phone because of the night I cut the phone lines and the girl that was fired from the office told her to do it. I first pointed out that having it lockup in your desk drawer at work would not help her at the house. She just plain out lied, and I started to think I made a mistake letting her come back, what else she was lying about. Down the road I did finally get the phone and double checked it, she made more than 9hrs of calls in a little over a month to the OM; she had also got it on Dec 18th. I told her that I did not understand how she did not see the divorce coming, since she could see into the future to buy a phone on the 18th because of what happened on the 20th. She admitted to having sex with the second OM, but won’t admit to getting the phone just to talk to the OM, but that was the last of her saying the phone was for emergences. I did not tell her that she need to quit her job and find another one, I did tell her that her association with Paula, both OM’s needed to end. I also wanted to send out another letter to family and friends saying that I had forgiven her and that we were together going to work things out. She did not like it and rewrote it, the new version didn’t even mention that she really had done anything wrong and she was forgiving me and we would work things out. I went through the roof, then at MC, he said it was no one’s business. So it got dropped. Also at the MC my wife said I can’t forgive her, I got upset and walked out. She came home and said she was going to leave, I said OK, but I plan on telling everyone the truth about what happened and what you were doing so people would know the truth about you and you leaving. This did not sit well with her, she wanted to leave and not mention why to anyone, especially her boss at work why. Tecnically the first OM was against company policy. (by the way my wife had a big part in writing the company policy a few years back, funny) She didn’t leave. At this point she also said that she did not want to continue going to the MC that we could work things out. Since she spent the last month plus lying to the MC and then came clean about her affairs, he was kind of siding with me. I told her that I was not going to lie to anyone about what had happen if I was asked. I asked her if she tells anyone about what happened to tell the truth. Down the road I found out that was not the case, something’s she did not lie, but she would just leave things out. She also starting telling people that I thought she was having an A, but I was wrong that she and OM were just good friends and she had forgiven me for throwing her out and taking Katie. You can just image how mad I was when I heard that. I started to grow concern that this was what was put out at work and she was still talking to Paula when she said she wouldn’t. (since Paula and Bill are good friends with the OM, I would figure her to act as go between even if my wife was not interested. Paula likes others to do the same things she does.) I started on my wife that she needed to get a different job and I told her the things that I had learned, she was not truthful with her boss and still has to keep lies straight at work. She was not happy but agreed to quit and find a different job. Then one day came home and told me that we should go see a MC, but not the one we had already gone too, a different one. We would ask the MC if he/she thinks my wife should quit her job. I told her no, that I have asked in the past about seeing a MC and you would not, but now that it might prove useful to you (keeping her job), you want to see one. Her job and the associated lies seem to be more important than me and a happy marriage to her. I ended up sitting down with her boss and we talked about everything that happened, no the wife was not honest with him. He doesn’t care for his sister-in-law and believed she was behind a lot of this. He also did not know about the first OM who is still working their, his opinion was he did need to know about the first OM in case anything came up in the future. I told wife she could keep her job and I was satisfied that her boss knew the truth and that you would not have to keep lying to him. I also got the sense from him that my wife was just not going to be able to do some of the things that she did before (the temptation to stray would not come as easy) I also was assured that the second OM would never be hired again for any position within the company. (this was a big concern to me) It was almost a year to the date of the first OM that Paula started trouble; she said I had threatened one of the drivers at a bar, and that was why he missed the next day of work. Paula was kind of telling my wife to make it OK that this guy missed work, this was one of the drivers that was going out and partying with my wife and Paula. Paula did not know that my wife’s boss knew everything and Paula had nothing over my wife. The truth of it is I didn’t say anything to threaten this guy so I took my wife to the bar because when I was their so was the manager and we talked to her, the manager said that there was no problem and I was talking to this guy about his band and she was there for the whole conversation. Once again I became very unhappy with my wife working their and told her that she needs to move on. I just can’t take anymore incidents and Paula is going out of her way to cause us trouble. (Paula was not happy that my wife came back to work things out. Paula knew what all she did to help facilitate my wife’s A’s and I hold her to blame for a lot of what happened) At this time my mother passed away with cancer and it only made things worst for me. Then my wife’s anxiety came back, I would not let her start taking the meds again because of all the bad side effects. She is seeing a therapist that also does not believe in the meds, he works with the mind to overcome the anxiety. It has gotten to the point my wife is afraid to be alone with Katie, she is afraid that she might hurt her. Add to all of this my wife’s pregent niece has moved in with us to attend school and this has created a lot of problems for me and my wife. (Another story) I have made no bones about it, I don’t like her working their and it really effects me to the point I can’t trust her there because of all the things that happened there and the things that just keep coming up. I should have made her quit last year, hind sight is 20/20. I heard her talking last week to a girlfriend she has not talked to for 6 years, my wife mentioned her affair (I am not sure why), then the one that caught me was she told her girlfriend to start emailing her, and instead of giving her our home email, she gave her work email. My wife is starting to talk to people in secret and is hiding it from me. She is doing things behind my back and has started to tell people that I not doing a lot to help her. She always tells me that I am a big help to her and she would get through it with out me. She even mentioned the other week about getting Dr. Harleys books back out and working on things with us. I have not jumped on this for two reasons, one for the last year I have said what I wanted is for her to be open, honest, and truthful with me about everything. She has not done that and to work through the program if you are not going to be radically honest, it is not going to work. The second thing is her niece, it is a big mess right now and I think that mess needs resolved (her moving out) before we can help ourselves.

I am very depressed over the whole situation. I love my wife, but I find myself thinking I would be better off without her. I would like to tell her to go, stay with your job, get back with your trailer trash friend Paula, start sleeping around and partying, do your thing. All I ask is to leave Katie and me behind, and don’t look back. I think at times with her not wanting to be alone with Kate, and the things she is saying about me, she wants to walk away and not come back. I am not afraid that Katie and I can’t make it on our own. I am afraid that if we divorce that down the road Katie may be exposed to her mother’s new life style and the people she will be with. I can tell you this; the ones I know at this time are not role models for growing children. That scares me to death. The other thing is my wife told me that she had a major panic attack about a month a go, she was afraid that I was wanting to leave her, and I would have to take Kate because of her fear of being alone with Kate, then her thoughts went to I will have to hurt Kate because if I can’t have her, no one can have her (meaning me). This worries me, some of the things and comments my wife has done and said in the last year and half have been very vindictive towards people that went against her and were a threat to her secret life and the A’s.

I am looking for any input, advice or ideas. I just can’t take much more. Since I wrote this a lot has happened, nothing good. I will let this digest and then I will post about what has come up.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Everything your wife is doing and saying is just very typical - right out of the wayward spouse handbook.

You are right - she needs to quit her job. It doesn't sound like a very good place anyway, but she also needs no contact with OM.

As far as being sorry, she won't be right now. You need to make it safe for her while she goes through withdrawal.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

Wow.

I'm kinda short on advice right now, but just wanted to welcome you to MB.

Folk will be around shortly with some new perspectives for you to chew on.

I admire your perseverance thus far. Good for you.

dewt

I HAVE DONE A LOT OF READING OVER THE PAST AT MB SITE. I UNDERSTAND A LOT OF WHAT HAPPENED AND REASONS FOR IT HAPPENING. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THE STAGES OF BEING CHEATED ON. AT TIMES WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS WERE IMPROVING OVER THE LAST YEAR SOMETHING WOULD COME UP AND THROW ME RIGHT BACK. I HAVE ASKED MYSELF TIME AND TIME AGAIN, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS. LIKE I SAID SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP. I WAS INFORM THAT MY W WAS UP TO HER OLD TRICKS. IT SORT OF MADE SENSE TO ME, BECAUSE SHE HAS REALLY BEEN ACTING DIFFERENTLY. THE SECETS EMAILS AND TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT ME. I THINK SHE HAS BEEN TALKING TO THE OM (SECOND ONE)AT WORK, MAYBE EVEN EMAILING HIM. I KNOW THAT THEY HAVE NOT BEEN TOGETHER AT ALL. I KNOW THAT.
AS WITH BEFORE THINGS ARE GETTING MORE AND MORE, HER MOOD SWINGS ARE GETTING WORST. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED OVER A YEAR AGO. I AM NOT SURE WHAT I WANT TO DO, I AM THINKING OF GIVING HER SOME ROPE AND THEN LET HER HANG HERSELF. I AM QUICKLY GETTING TO THE POINT THAT I DON'T WANT HER IN MY LIFE. THE ONE THING I TOLD HER WHEN SHE MOVE BACK IN WAS NO CONTACT WITH HIM AND IF HE CONTACTED HER TO TELL ME ABOUT IT. I HAVE JUST BEEN FLOORED OVER THIS, NOW I AM NOT SURE ABOUT ANYTHING, I WONDER IF THEY EVER STOPPED BEING IN CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER. I SAID SOMETHING TO HER ABOUT BEING TOLD, SHE ABSOLUTLY DEINED THAT SHE HAS DONE ANYTHING OR GONE ANYWHERE. SHE DID NOT GET SPECIFIC ABOUT CALLS OR THAT IT WAS ALL GENERAL. SHE ALSO SEEMS MORE WORRIED ABOUT WHO CALLED RATHER THAN WHAT THEY SAID. I DID CATCH ONTO THAT REAL QUICK. SINCE I DID NOT FORCE HER TO QUIT HER JOB, THAT SECRET LIFE WAS STILL THERE TO CONTINUE. I HAVE NOTHING OTHER THAN HER WORD THAT NOTHING IS GOING ON, WITH ALL THE PAST LIES I DO HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING HER.

NOW I REALLY AM LOOKING FOR SOME WHAT TO DO ADVICE.

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 06:14 AM: Message edited by: HOSKI ]</small>