Lots of talk about disclosure on here. I though I’d share my experience with it.

Warning label on disclosure - Be ready for your marriage to end. This will get back to your spouse - rapidly. Have you confronted your spouse and in no uncertain terms said their relationship with OP has to end? If not start there. You don't have to make clear what the punishment will be if it doesn't end. Say you can't take it anymore and if doesn't end there is no telling what you might be forced to do. An air of uncertainty is a good thing.

From my experience to date disclosure is a last resort (I disclosed to OMW 2 months ago and life has been hell since). Currently I still regret doing it. The things people tell you here are true. It's the fastest way to end it. Having an ally on the other side helps keep the cheaters apart. But keep in mind the possibility is very real that this will end your marriage on the spot.

Now it's only been 2 months for me, and I don't know how things will be in a year from now. Maybe I'll join the others in saying 'just do it'. Disclosure, like the atomic bomb, is a very powerful weapon and should only be used as a last resort. It has doomsday possibilities.

Now that I think about it, like the atomic bomb, disclosure can also be used as a deterrent - a threat. The A-bomb threat kept the Russians in check until their empire dissolved, right? Maybe just rock the boat enough so things fall apart in the affair. Make sure the affair partner knows you have this weapon in your arsenal too (and your finger is tapping on the trigger). Diplomacy is most effective when your adversary is faced a clear and present danger.

I think about my own situation. I could have made the threat to my wife and OM. Maybe that would have been enough to make them think. I'll never know now since there's nothing left but scorched earth since I let loose my most powerful weapon. Similarly I’ll never know how things would have eventually turned out if I didn’t unleash it.

You can speak softly for you carry a big stick.

Mark - what is it that you mean by disclosure? Are you talking about exposing the A?

David

Yes David, exposing the affair.

Mark,

I can tell that this will really sting going down...but I don't think that your perspective will allow you to see the broader picture until you accept that your marriage has already ended.

It ended when your wife chose to have an affair. Exposure is simply this..exposure. bringing into the light what had been secret.

So..wife is angry? So what? She's having temper tantrums and so you feel that exposure is to blame? Was she kinder when she was stabbing you from behind? You can't stand the conflict? If so..then you had better just end it now with a divorce..because I guarantee you that recovery..if you ever get that far..is more riddled with conflict than any A ever was.


No, now you and she both have to acknowledge the very REAL damage that has been inflicted on your relationship. Nothing more.

Why aside from her anger would you feel exposure is not a fruitfull choice?

Noodle

Mark - since you have accepted that your marriage is over, which do you think is the better way for a marriage to end > quickly, getting to resolution sooner rather than later so that the parties can move on, or dragging it out, prolonging the pain and uncertainty for up to years?

Where would you rather be right now? Knowing what was coming - your marriage already deemed "over" - or not knowing, in limbo, unsure of where you're headed with no end in sight?

Would you prefer a quick, get it over with death, or slow torture, knowing death will come eventually?

WAT

Yes exposure seems to have ended the EA. Would my wife want to resume it? I think so. Is my marriage over - maybe. Have I accepted it's over? No. If it wasn't for the hurt and anger, yes exposure worked. We can debate the A-bomb ending WWII as well. It worked, ended the war quickly and we make assumptions it saved lives in the long run.

My point is I didn't stand up to my wife and tell her to end it first. I dropped strong hints "I don't like it at all", I also caved to requests for limited contact (e.g. school board issues). Contact dropped off for a while but resumed and more secretly at that. What I should have done was have the backbone to say 'wife stop it!'. I always had the option of disclosing. But feel I have brought out the nukes for a mere border skirmish. I could have threaten disclosure before carrying it out. Sort of like dropping leaflets before bombing. At least I could say I warned you.

My wife has issues on many levels and this EA didn't help with anything. Yes the anger is terrible right now. Maybe this does force the stay or split issue. Like I said, in a year maybe I'll whole heartedly agree, right now I just want to warn folks that disclosing an affair has serious and immediate repercussions.

Hi Mark,

I am sure it is hard to see the benefits to what exposure is.Of course,having the nuke go off makes many people think twice and you're right there at ground zero.

Your WW gave you no heads up that she was going to cheat and she just did it anyway.You owe her no loyalty to protect her and the homewrecking OM from their actions.

Like the other's mentioned,your past marriage was over,dead.Would you rather be like Jackie Kennedy and look the other way while your spouse cheats? Threats don't work anyway.Your WW and the OM would just get more creative at hiding things and they also might try to appease you by lying that it was over.We have heard it all before.

In our experience here,non-exposure means almost always certain continuation of the A.Like gangrene,you can let this A fester and risk your life or cut off the infected part and hopefully save your life and have personal recovery.Not doing your share by using all of your MB arsenal at your disposal means,IMO,that you are enabling.This fallout is a consequence of the A,their choice to cheat.Don't lose sight of that.

Stay Strong.

O

MarkNY,

My only "exposure" was
1) to the guy OM lived with. He believed me (his first marriage ended with his x having multiple affairs). But, he didn't throw OM out. So, that didn't help much.

2)My W's dentist. Strange? Yeah, well she decided to put on a course of "self improvement" before divorcing me - had $4000 of dental work and $16000 of plastic surgery lined up. I called her dentist at home on a sunday night - told him "We're going to be D'ed and there is another man involved". He was a friend of mine before W and I married, so I knew I could do that. He said "I'm sorry. No problem, We'll stop it. I'll wipe it off the books. You don't owe me anything." I called the plastic surgeon (who I didn't know) and only told them "we're going through a divorce. I won't pay for these surgeries." So, both of those things were stopped. The only thing W was angry about (cried about for hours) was that he was a good dentist and now she can't go back there.

Anyway, I've seen the power of a little exposure with the dentist. W is afraid of more.

-AD

OK,

Mark..what you have just described..is worthy of it's very own thread...but has little or nothing to do with exposure being a bad plan.

Do you understand?

THIS thread says that EXPOSURE is a problem..or could be..yet you have yourself identified what the REAL problems were.

Noodle

Mark,

I add to this thread only as another perspective. The threat of exposing the A, or disclosure was used against my FWH by the OW as a means of keeping him in the A for 4 months after he realized what a big mistake it was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can tell that this will really sting going down...but I don't think that your perspective will allow you to see the broader picture until you accept that your marriage has already ended.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once he realized that he could never undo all that had happened and that either our M would end or not because of his actions. He accepted that even if OW didn't expose the A, he had to do it himself. This realization on his part, removed any leverage that OW had with him and gave him the understanding and perspective he needed to end the A and institute immediate NC with OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Our life is still a rollercoaster and I am still not sure from day to day that we will make it, but we are both still trying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will state this with all confidence. If your marriage ends her affair will be to blame, not exposure.

If a person dies of cancer, it is the disease not the doctor telling the patient that kills him.

Exposure has the effect of exposing the bindings of an affair to the light of public scrutiny. Very very few withstand that.

My life was also horrible for a few months after exposure, but the affair was dead and policed by both OM GF and myself.

The only time an affair should not be exposed to a spouse or significant other IMO is if the BS is happy to accept the lies, and crumbs of comfort left over from the passionate relationship with OP.

Exposure in my case also allowed the OMs relationship to start rebuilding : the BEST protection against the resumotion of their affair.

Lies kill marriages, truth doesn't.

By the way..dropping leaflets is to protect the innocent..there is no such creature in this instance.

Threats of disclosure just allow the WS and OP to go deeper and darker..and to discredit you before you strike.

Bad idea. Did you drop a nuke over a border skirmish? Absolutely not. Your wife and this man are having an affair.

Not to mention that as per your post..the exposure did it's job very well.

Not until the A is ended..really and truly dead..and not until withdrawl has passed..will there even be the slightest possiblity that the two of you can recover.

So tell me..what do you think would have been a better idea?

Noodle

Mark-

I am sorry that you feel that exposure was bad. My WH's OW doesn't have a husband, or I would've exposed to him, but I did expose to everyone else that may have any influence. I am still feeling the ripples from that even now, I was faced with it again yesterday as my WH is not allowed visitation with his DD15 due to his affair, and his guardians feeling that is he is not an influence they care to have around him. WH is pretty mad about that....Oh well.

A lot of people say they were embarrassed, or are embarrassed after the expose, that people don't look at them the same way anymore. That doesn't worry me at all. I didn't do anything wrong, and I refuse to feel badly about it, I wouldn't do anything differently if I had to do it over again.

I know everyone's experience is probably different, but I think exposure is a needed tool, and I agree that the M is over as you know it the second the A begins, therefore you're just *keeping the body warm* if you aren't exposing.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong> Yes exposure seems to have ended the EA. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">QED
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong>My point is I didn't stand up to my wife and tell her to end it first. I dropped strong hints "I don't like it at all", I also caved to requests for limited contact (e.g. school board issues). Contact dropped off for a while but resumed and more secretly at that. What I should have done was have the backbone to say 'wife stop it!'.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You honestly think this would have worked?

Call Dr. Harley! - we've all been doing it all wrong! All we need to do is demand the affair to stop!

Of course I'm being cynical here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong>I could have threaten disclosure before carrying it out. Sort of like dropping leaflets before bombing. At least I could say I warned you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mark, again not wise. Warning the affairees only allows them to initiate damage control. They'd simply warn others that "...some crazy guy is going to be calling, claiming his wife and I are having an affair. Can you imagine THAT? The NERVE of some people!!!"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong>right now I just want to warn folks that disclosing an affair has serious and immediate repercussions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sure does!!! ....and hopefully you will come to see it the way the rest of us do.

I think she has successfully brow beaten you into accepting blame for the consequences of her affair (via your disclosure) and you will not NOW stand up to her (like you say you should have before) and proclaim that all the misery is due to her actions, not your truth.

WAT

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> WAT

WAT

You hit the nail on the head:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think she has successfully brow beaten you into accepting blame for the consequences of her affair (via your disclosure) and you will not NOW stand up to her (like you say you should have before) and proclaim that all the misery is due to her actions, not your truth.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a sore point with me. Since this is most likely confined to an EA it makes it easier for affairees to deny to themselves nothing was wrong with it - no 'affair'. I've reapeatly told her to stand in my shoes and how would she behave. That just angers her.

Now I'm between a rock and a hard place. Next time it comes up should I lash into her and say she's all to blame?

No, you don't "lash" into her.

Not knowing how your conversations have gone, I'd recommend you calmly say something like, "I understand your concerns. I believe the relationship you were having with OM was an emotional, extramarital affair [WAT doesn't necessarily believe this, BTW] and would have led to more. Either way, it was disrespectful to me and our marriage. My actions were an attempt to end it so that we could heal our marriage. Any bad consequences now are the result of the improper relationship existing in the first place. If it wasn't imporper, why was disclosure a problem?"

Of course, she will deflect this, still claiming it wasn't an affair. But she will have heard you.

BTW, my XW married the guy she wasn't having an affair with 5 months after our divorce, yet still claims to this day that she wasn't having an affair with him.

WAT

Thisis where I recommend exposing with proof.

I just called OM GF to begin with. OM and my wife conspired and lied to her to assure her all was OK and I was a jealous husband. They carried on their EA, but stalled their PA.

I dug out some proof ( Love letters , receipts) and faxed them to her and the A ended that day.

Proof is best. Many or most 'non'MB' folks do not recognise an EA as infidelity.

I truly believe that if Squid had not had a PA after her EA she would never have admitted any wrongdoing.

WAT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[WAT doesn't necessarily believe this, BTW] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you believe that it was also physical or wat, wat?

legato,

Let Mark chime in here. I have my doubts about 'nothing happened', but I am erring on the side of caution, where my proof is objective and firm.