WH response to exposure to OW's H:
Countdown before all hell breaks loose
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037274

He was extremely calm. I was out of town so I missed his reaction the same night. (Although I found out him and OW apparently went to dinner to talk things over). Apparently he said he was pissed so that's why he didn't call me. We didn't talk about it until the next night when I was back in town. The main reason he was pissed was because I was "disobedient" because when I exposed to OW's parents before, he asked me to not tell anyone else and let him "handle" it (That was 3 months ago).

He is still so much in the fog and he doesn’t understand that until no contact is established with OW, we can never work on rebuilding the marriage. He wants me to be satisfied with the state that we are currently in where he goes on dates with his girlfriend (or dinner as he calls it) and comes home to me. I think this proves he has lost all respect for me.

WS told me if I was trying to get him hurt by exposing to OW's H. LOL. Well if he's scared, maybe he should have looked up OW's H background before he decided to get busy with his wife. OW's H came to their job and at first was going to tell OW he wanted a divorce but then when he saw her he changed his mind. OW's got my WS and her H whipped. Maybe I need to learn some tips from her.

OW denied the PA. OW's H is in serious denial. WS was mad because I told OW's H that WS told me there was a PA. Well I told OW's H about all the hotel receipts (for 2 guests). If OW's H wants to be in denial, he can go ahead. I told WS that it would have been easier to deal with a one night stand compared to the EA he's having with OW.

WS even said last night I should go ahead and leave him and then when he's ready he'll come back. Strange? We've always talked about how the continued contact with OW hurts me and we both talk about a time when I will become fed up. WS keeps asking when that time is going to be. He said b/c he doesn't want any surprises. My Plan B does start soon but I'm not going to tell him when. The sad thing is I'm excited about leaving this mess and I feel sorry about leaving him for the Plan B. OW and H are trying to work things out so WS will be left out cold except for their lunch and dinner dates I guess.

Is that a normal reaction for me? Does this mean I've over him?

Of course he's mad about exposure. But what is important is that you did the right thing...not how your WS responds. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if your H was having an A?

He continues contact with OW? WOW, he is really lucky that you are still trying!!

You are 24, no kids, you have your whole life ahead of you...why not spend it with someone who wants to treat you with love and respect?

Glad to hear you are planning a PLAN B, respect yourself...don't put up with this behavior!!!

hurtwife,

I think you should pass that line on to his GF. She should know what is expected from her - to be "obedient".

O please, divorce him now!

I hate to say that. If you want to work on the M, then do that. It used to annoy me when people on MB told me to divorce my w.

I'm sorry for your situation.

I can't imagine why he is doing this except that maybe it is always what he has done in the past. You were pretty young when you married him. Did he always have a lot of girls around?

-AD

Indy - what are your Plan B plans? What are your current living arrangements? Own your home? Sorry I can't remember. My oldstimers disease.

"Disobedient"

That's a new one. Those aliens really got to his frontal lobes.

You sound strong and have your wits about you.

Plan B sooner rather than later, I think.

WAT

Hurt Wife,

No, you arent losing your love for your husband. But your mind is preparing you for Plan B. I believe Plan B should be started as soon as possible. He has gotten comfortable with his cake. Time to take you out of this threesome.

And on him not being surprised...tough. In his current status, he has no rights. So dont worry about that. Stick to the plan, send Plan B letter and go dark. And get your life back. In the end, odds are your husband will return. But even if that doesnt happen, this nightmare will be over.

In His arms.

LOL @ disobedient.....I'm sorry that just strikes me funny, maybe you should suggest that he pay for "obedience school" like you do for a dog.

WS's same some funny stuff.

You did the right thing hon. May I ask how old the OW is? You're really young, I can't imagine what on earth your WH is thinking.

-Caren

Caren, I think OW is only one year older than me. WS likes his women young I guess. Since the A, I want to tell him find someone his own age but where would that put me. LOL. AD, he never had a lot of girls or even guys around until last year and then the A started. It was always me and him against the world before then.

Mortarman, thanks that helps. I feel so detached from my WS sometimes and I am actually welcoming Plan B because of the peace it will provide and I won't have anxiety everytime my WH sees OW. I was afraid that meant I didn't really want him anymore because of the shame and humiliation he continues to bring to me by "accepting" contact with OW.

WAT, I'm so ready for Plan B but just hope WH can cope on his own. I've got my letter all ready (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037073) and financial arrangements taken care of. Just need to finish taxes. Funny, WH before D Day paid all the bills and then after, he asked me to contribute so I've already been doing that for the past couple of months.

Disobediant to whom?

Noodle

You're ready!! Now take a deep breath and take back your life.

Even while you are in Plan A, you do not have to accept him going to see or be with OW. You can continue to express your opinion and put up your boundaries. YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT!!

But, I believe you have done a lot of ggod things for your marriage, and yourself. And all indications point that Plan B time is now. So, get those taxes done ASAP (you wouldnt want to wait until April 15th anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Then, hand him the letter.

Then go dark and stay dark. Be prepared for him to try to break down your NC and your boundaries. Have scripts for yourself and exits prepared at all times so you can escape this. Be two steps ahead of him. keep copies of the PBL in your purse for the times that he does show up out of the blue and you couldnt get away. Then just hand to him and walk away. No need to talk, no need to explain.

Make sure your PBL states how his surrender will happen. If he decides to NC the OW and to do the other things, how will you know? A third party who checks to see if he is doing this? A counselor that you recommend that he must see and verify things before you will speak with him? Whomever. But just have a way. Even if you have to do it face-to-face, when it comes up, you sit down, you ask if he is prepared to do the PBL. If he changes the subject, or asks for mroe time, or some other such crap...you hand him a PBL, get up...and walk out.

You must remember, he only comes home if he surrenders. Everything else is false recovery. I know!! I let my wife come home and we had a huge false recovery. It wasnt until I made sure that she completely surrendered...no negotiations...that it was possible to move forward.

So, plan out Plan B. Dont just hand him the PBL and expect nothing to happen. Most likely all hell will break loose. Be prepared for anything. You knwo your husband, you know how he will react. So, have every possible scenario prepared for.

Good luck!! The odds are in your favor. He has controlled this mess way too long. Now, you get to call the shots on this.

In His arms.

ditto Mortarman

You've got the world by the 'nads.

Plan B will set you free.

None of us knows what will happen, except that you, young lady, will come out WAY ahead.

EVEN IF you have to divorce him, you're young and you'll have wisdom WAY beyond your years. (Some of us are too soon old, too late smart.)

WAT

WH is trying to turn this around and blame you for the A and exposure.

YES, he wants it all, he wants his GF and his W, and he'll lie steal, and cheat to get it.

He wants to know when you will let him loose so he can run off and fling with her...

"Disobedient", <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> puhleeze, what about all the times he's out with her that HE'S being disobedient. You can answer him with, "I will do what I think is right to save this M. Although I promised I would not expose at first, I realized that was not a promise good to keep."

This is moving along just as it commonly does...how is your Plan A going? Keeping up the EN fulfillment? Cutting out the LB's? Letting him know this continued contact is hurting you and your love for him?

You are reaching a point wher ethe pain WITH him is harder than the pian WITHOUT him. That is when Plan B is useful, for YOU...to preserve what love you have.

It is useful for the alien inside WH too, to feel what it would REALLY be like to be D from you...to not let it move slowly to NC with you, but an abrupt change...to allow the regret to seep in the titanic like cold sea water, and see which one bails first with the last life preserver, WH or OW... That is also how Plan B is useful, for it to come as a shock....to give a taste of D before the regret that comes years later after all the legal haggling.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Thanks all. Great advice to keep me going before the lights go out...

hurtwife...

you did very very well...
blessings to you...

WAT said...


You've got the world by the 'nads.

ARK said...
ewwwww <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />