Hello everyone..I need advice. I have decided to go to plan B wih my H. Him being so far away (2 hours) makes plan A almost impossible. I have also decided that because he is not giving me child support on his own like he said he would so many times or any money for bills he created before he abandoned us, I am filing for legal separation (Not divorce) This way he will be ordered by the court to give me CS. I am also haoping this sudden change of events (me taking the initiative of filing first and taking away his fire of dangling D in front of me when he wants to control me) that it will give him a reality check that he is responsible for his 2 children and he will not have the fantasy life full of money and no obligations.

My question is this: How can I plan B and still exchange the kids with him on visitation days? I have no family here and no close friends (I have got rid of "toxic" friends) I want to stick with my decision of no contact what so ever until he has stopped all contact with OW or any other thats comes along once and for all and truly wants to commit to rebuilding our marriage. I can't see him right now anyway because I need to concentrate on ME right now and not HIM.

Also I would like to write a plan B letter, but I am not sure where to start. I am not very good at expressing my emotions on pape and am afraid to say something wrong. Are there any suggestions?

Stacy,

I don't know that what you are proposing can actually be called a Plan B. Plan B to be effective, in my opinion, must be preceded by a solid Plan A. Your signature says 'Plan A 2/27/05'; So does that mean that you Plan A'd for a week and now you're done? If so, then I would just call this a separation.

Also, Plan B is not really about waking them up; it's more about preserving your love and letting the WS experience the consequences of their actions. In your case it sounds like there is still a lot of anger on both sides so your "Plan B" will most likely be viewed by him as merely upping the ante and may very well result in pushing him to the next step.

Yes, there is a lot of anger and hurt on both sides. But plan A seems like it is most effective when you still see each other on a constant basis. To be able to avoid LB and start adding back the love bank. Really listening to his needs and trying to focus on giving him the needs he is missing and going to the OW for.

He is in a fog and feels his love for me has changed. He has someone to give him his emotional needs. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say anymore because he considers it as being manipulative in trying to get him to come back. He is having trust issues with me. He says I hurt him deeply doing what "I did to him" But he never thinks about what he has done to me, and is still doing to me.

I view plan B as a marriage "time-out" a preview of what life would actually be without the other spouse in it. A time to really think about the choice the WS made. Was it really worth losing my family over? Is this what i really want? Also its a time for the BS to focus on themselves more effectivly.

If I am wrong am am moving too fast to plan B, please let me know your opinion. I am still thinking with my heart and may not see things from the outside looking in.

Yes, there is a lot of anger and hurt on both sides. But plan A seems like it is most effective when you still see each other on a constant basis. To be able to avoid LB and start adding back the love bank. Really listening to his needs and trying to focus on giving him the needs he is missing and going to the OW for.

He is in a fog and feels his love for me has changed. He has someone to give him his emotional needs. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say anymore because he considers it as being manipulative in trying to get him to come back. He is having trust issues with me. He says I hurt him deeply doing what "I did to him" But he never thinks about what he has done to me, and is still doing to me.

I view plan B as a marriage "time-out" a preview of what life would actually be without the other spouse in it. A time to really think about the choice the WS made. Was it really worth losing my family over? Is this what i really want? Also its a time for the BS to focus on themselves more effectivly.

If I am wrong am am moving too fast to plan B, please let me know your opinion. I am still thinking with my heart and may not see things from the outside looking in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> view plan B as a marriage "time-out" a preview of what life would actually be without the other spouse in it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the ideas in Plan B is that they miss the other spouse. If all of your interactions as of late have been lovebsuting, anger, etc. then the opposite effect is likely; instead of missing you he may be relieved that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore. They have to figure out that you were meeting many of their needs and now those needs are not being met.

I agree with you that it is very hard to Plan A when you are geographically so separate. Plan A is hard to do, period.

It sounds like he is having a revenge affair. This sounds like a war that is in tit-for-tat, escalation mode. Someone needs to stop the cycle.

If you can commit to Plan A, which I admit is very difficult, then go for it and keep Plan B in the wings. If you can't do a good Plan A then Plan B, in my opinion will not be very effective. They have to be left with good feelings about you; that you are sincere about changing yourself for the better and concern for their feelings. Then they will miss you during Plan B.

Honestly, I'm just throwing out ideas here; I'm not advising you either way. You have to decide for yourself. Ask God for guidance and you will decide correctly.

As to your original question. You will need some type of intermediary if you want to avoid all contact; someone who will be willing to let you drop off kids there and then he picks them up after you are gone.

As far as a Plan B letter there are many examples here on this site. If you search you should be able to find them. If you need me to provide you with links to letters I can do that.

Perhaps someone else will post here with some Plan B links. Otherwise, create a new topic asking for "Help With Plan B Letter".

Plan B letter links: Here

An intermediary is bombproof, but your children may be able to walk themselves to the door to avoid contact with your H when you are there. That will take some cooperation from your H though.

Another option is to hire a sitter to receive them at the time your H drops them off.

Thank you for your advice and link to the Plan B letter samples.

As I read your replies over and over, I am staring to reconsider my plan A again. I have not given plan A a solid try. I want to save my marriage and have not given H anything to want to come back home to. So I will start working again on a solid plan A.

I'll post a new topic and try to get help with a good plan A.