http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=005087

The above is the URL for my story thus far. It is a b..ch of story and not for the faint hearted!!

I need to know what to do. I am guessing that I need to go straight for Plan B as my ww is not giving me any contact at all with her or the children.

Starfish gave me some good advice for a plan B on a thread under emotional needs: The topic was How can I meet my Husband's emotional sex needs while keeping my Christian values. I think the plan may be on page 3 of the thread. You might want to look at it and see what applies to you and what you can use to help in your situation.

Best Wishes,
Stormy

Sorry, I sent the reply before I read your story. I do not know how much of my plab B would apply to you. You probably need advice from someone with more experience with MB than me. I would think you would want to try and get yourself IC for sure, make sure you have a place of your own to stay, a good stable job, etc. You know show her that you have value and that when she decides she is ready to come home and treat you with respect that she has a good place to come home to for her and the kids.

Where do I get IC .. I am guessing that this is intensive care.

I am being looked after now by my parents .. rough going for them at 60 .. but they are stiking by me. I lost my job lately .. cos my head with so screwed up!! I am trying to make a come back and feel alot better than 7 mnonths ago.. I talk about her and the children constatantly though and this drives people crazy

Where do I get IC .. I am guessing that this is intensive care.

I am being looked after now by my parents .. rough going for them at 60 .. but they are stiking by me. I lost my job lately .. cos my head with so screwed up!! I am trying to make a come back and feel alot better than 7 mnonths ago.. I talk about her and the children constatntlt though and this drives people crazy

IC is individual Counseling. It is just meeting with a professional counselor. If you want her back you need to take care of yourself and get back on track. You know, try to be the man she was attracted to when she met you. For most women that means a good job, a nice place of your own, someone who takes care of himself and can also help take care of her. Show her what all good things she is missing out on.

Hay Stormy,

IC is individual Counseling... Done that and took 3 sessions.

I have started to take care of myself.. i'm Ok in the presence of other people, family,friends. In the early days, I was working away from home ..parents and no longer have wife/childre.. so was alone and vulnerable by myself.

I had two damn good jobs .. Director .. working between Euerope/US and two houses for my children/wife.. holidays to far away destinations .. this was not enough for her.

I gave up teh 1st job .. to satisfy her and be closer to home. I took up a second job after 8 months looking ..not easy finding top jobs in corporate world.. OK if i was a barman .. but director jobs dont hang on trees

I was in the job 5 months and then she dropped the bombshell on me.. I collapsed and have since lost that job. last week actually .. just as i was begining to pull up infact.

I agree with you, I need to fimd myself and start loving myseslf again.. then concentrate on her and the kids .. prblem is.. she may not be waiting .. and homewrecker may have his claws in deeply by then!!

Thanks

do you know where she and the children are or did she kidnap them?

if she kidnapped them i would take legal action....courts do not like this when a parent takes off with the kids. have you sought out legal counsel?

Hi Nikko,
She absconded with them.. Ist our newborn and then returned with social workers,poice etc.. to atke my 5 year old son that she had abandoned with my parents. Legally, she had not kidnapped them as there were no orders in force or. She has simply played the weak system in the UK that is for the woman and not the man!!

She lied and made allegations that must have been so bad for them to send out social workers and police.. imagine what she must have been saying? I don't know exactly .. but I guess it may have been anything from kidnapping to god knows what!!

miguel...

You need to stop all aspects of chaos on your end...

you need to concentrate soley on extablishing calm loving contact between you and the children...

that must be you first priority..above all other things....

reconcilliation with your wife is secondary to the necessity of you needing to be a stable grownup in your childrens life...even more so now than ever because of your wife's destructive actions....

dads are important
dads are not replacable on the whim of woman who think they can be replaced....

this is your sole and primary focus...

MAKE NO MOVES THAT ENDANGER GETTING YOU CONTACT WITH YOUR CHILDREN....

make that your focus
make that you goal
make that your life...

your relationship with your wife is on the back burner.....

you absolutely can not go to plan B...

plan B only occurs when there has been a plan A..
you have done no plan A
plan B is action of great love and hope....

you must not plan B..because right now you need to establish solid...calm interactions with your children....

cut all theo ther crap out...and lets deal with the legal logistics...

what exactly are the social workers telling you about letting you have visits with your children...

how do they see you having contact..
supervised visits...

give us the facts about what measures you need to accomplish to see your children..

what is the list...

seek out dad/father support groups on the internet....

arm yourself with support from those that have stood where you are...
seek out concise legal counsel that builds a road map for you to follow to have contact....

none of this has anything to do with your wife..it is ALL about the children..

seek out posts from frankd and familymatters....those that have and are fighting the good fight for the well being of their children....

what are the steps they have told you need to follow....
start there...
if you don't know then find out..

get calm
get focused
you are fighting the good fight so you need to empower and educate yourself....

your children need their dad...
find out what you must do to make that happen...

make no moves
make no noise
make no actions
unless they serve the goal of regaining contact with your children...

ARK

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Ark,

Read my story first .. here is URl/Link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=005087
------------------------------------------------
I have done what I can and much of what you suggest already.

I tried to initially arrange mediation with my ww outside of the court through a private firm ..4-6 weeks prior to court contact.. she refused it coldly.. She wants no contact with me!!

We attend court and the forced contact arrangemnts were made with my wife through mediation. I applied for a court hearing and contact order for my children. She was thus forced to attend court and medaition.. otherwise judge would have decided for us both. The mediation session was a farce.. she dictates and I take the crumbs..so I did for now. If I had refused .. I would wait another 3 months and my wife would have subjected my son to a CAFCASS officer/Report .. which she also tried to do ..A cHILD pSYCHOLOGIST ASKING PROBING questions of my son.. that would have really confused him and f.cked his psyche up!!

The firm that don the medaition for the court .. agreed with my wife on contact with my children every two weeks at a supervised contact centre..social workers. Why!! Because the woman is using her children to score points!! I agreed but did not know until I walked back into court for the medaitors to inform the jusge on the decision.. that the time that contact centres are opn are 2 Hours every 2 weeks .. this disgusted and I wasnted to vomit!!

The medaition firm.. aranged another time for a 2ns session and my wife did not turn up and cancelled!! She is playing a really dirty game!

I would love the chance to exhibit love to my children. I have been a good father and husband.. but have my faults like most of us. I am by no means perfect and have been described by my wife as unloving and volatile.

I am volatile and have a temper on occasions.. 1/6 months or so. I have smacked my son on occasions through this.. but I saw that as showing discipline in the household. My father done much the same with 4 sons whilst we were growing up!!

I am being goaded and played to do foolish actions that may endanger contact with my children.

There are still alot of unknowns for me..

(a)How long the affair/relationshiop has been going on for?

(b) Is my daughter .. my daughter or not? I
am currently getting a paternity test done.. without her knowledge as she said that she would give consent .. but is playing her cards slowly .. such that she wins everything from me. Her actions do not correspsonmd with her words!

please seek out support groups for dads..
parents without partners...

seek out a through the legal system an advocate for you as well

don't go belly up
and don't go with guns blazing...

return to the courts and seek what retribution you have for a mother who cancels scheduled visitation and when it can be made up....

what are the false allegations
are there charges pressed and sticking...

where is your legal counsel and defense on all of this....

work with what you can control
and you can control a lot...

are you allowed phone calls...
do you know for sure
how long will you have to have supervised visits
what is the plan to reunite you and the children...

ARK

My Plan B: 21/03/2004

Chasing the wind No Longer

Sonia,

Over the past few months; I have learnt that I have been chasing the wind. I may have made mistakes; but I deserved a chance and something better than what you have thrown at me.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want them to, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they've got."

''My Love for you now and forever will always be what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Our roots grew towards each other underground, and despite all the pretty blossom that has fallen from our branches .. you will still find that we were one tree and not two''. This will take you time and maturity to understand.

Life is painful and more so when a weed grew between us and strangled our reality and that is a killer in any relationship. Look at the Charles & Lady Di story, look at Anthony and Cleopatra...it has been going on since the dawn of time. For letting that weed come between us and not protecting you and our children .. I will be forever sorry.

First, I want to say this: I loved you with all my heart, and my commitment to you and our marriage was unending. I have always been so proud of you – proud of you as my wife, my best friend and proud of the woman you are. I look back with no regret. You have always been a wonderful mother and my respect for you runs deeper than you will ever know. Through all this I have protected you and taken all the shame that people have thrown at me for you actions; but my health has deteriorated and I can take no more.

I am so sorry that we find ourselves in this place that is lonely and not only confusing for both of us but also for our children. Until August, I did not fully understand how truly miserable, angry and self-centred you had become. I didn’t realize how my inability to meet your emotional needs and my sometimes lack of respect for you had affected you. I am truly sorry !

I have done a lot of soul-searching over the past several months and grown stronger and wiser while an emotional battle has taken place between love and betrayl.

As my hope for the future increases, so does my sorrow over my loss of you. But what is worse is that I find my love for you is dying – I’ve lost so much love and respect for you and for myself after your affair that the pain has become more than I can bear.

I know I have to do something to preserve what is left in the hopes that there may be something left to keep positive for our children and any future. I have to do something to stop this bitterness and pain from overwhelming me.

I am leaving and removing myself from you and the old life that you destroyed and the pain that you have caused to the loved ones around us. It is pain that I see in my fathers eyes everyday and pain caused by someone I loved and trusted. I have to give myself a fresh start in a positive environment

I will be respecting your wishes and hope that you respect mine. As long as your affair continues; you are and will be forever banished from my heart and mind. This affair is a result of pain, has caused pain and will continue to cause pain and suffering of which I want no part.

You will not be able to contact me legally, emotionally or otherwise. I will not accept phone calls, solicitor’s letters or any form of communication from you.

Miguel,

I have been following your story.

You need to go back and reread what Ark wrote. You have NOT done all this already... you have started on a few things, but you still have a long way to go.

There IS a decent ending to this story in there somewhere, Miguel. There will come a time when you will be looking BACK at all this as a memory. Where do you want to be when that time comes?

Do not send this letter to your wife. It does not follow the Plan B outline, is badly timed and at this point will be something that your WW just send straight to her lawyer as yet more ammo.

Listen dude, I would really love to see you get through this. I would love to share every horrible lesson I ever learned if it would help you avoid even one pitfall.

And I'm not alone. There's a long list of folk here that feel the same way based on the little we know of you right now. But we can't help you if you won't slow down enough to listen.

Think of a chainsaw. It is a powerful tool. An incredible machine, really... it can lay a huge tree to the ground in a matter of minutes. It can trim a stack of 2x4 studs in seconds. It can scare rabbits like nothing else on this earth. Truly one of man's best inventions.

In the hands of someone skilled, it is an awesome machine.

In the hands of someone who is blind, distracted and confused, it's pretty dangerous. Not only will it not do what you want it to do, but you are likely to cause a lot of collateral damage and probably lose your leg.

Dude, you have a lot more personal power than you know. But right now, you are blind, distracted and confused. If you don't turn off the machine for a second, open your eyes, find a good plan, and focus on doing what you need to do, you are going to cause damage.

Please listen to me.

J

It's called plan B because there is a Plan A..

one can not do plan B till one has done plan A

you can not and must not write a letter about no contact when you are fighting for contact with your children...

it will be used against you....
you need to focuse soley on contact with the children..

where are things with that...

ark

OK .. I will hold off on Plan B .. However some MB members have advised a Plan B ..

Focus on Children.

1.It is in the hands of my solicitors/lawyers. My wife is using more amunition against me .. partly may fault.
2.She will not let me see them .. 7 months now.
3.I cannot do a Plan A ; when she is uing the principle of No Contact in her letters. I approach ..harrassment .. I don't .. He does not care about children.

4.No phone calls... The supervised visits arranged via mediation are yet to materialise .. she is playing with me.

5.Until I give a divorce .. no children. I decided to defend my divorce .. but maybe this is a mistake.. again advice from MB .. to leave things in Limbo .. such that the OM bay eventually get tiard and leave!!

get yourself your own legal counsel..
bug the crap out of the system about her not meeting the requirements of you seing your children...

go to the highest courts..

why no visitation for seven months.

why exactly..
and what are you supposed to do to make it happen...

write them letters and send to the mediators and verify your children get them...

solicit the courts for phone contact..

why would you write a plan B letter..
what do you think it would accomplish...

ARK

Ark,

Your communication is very harsh and pushy.. I don't think you realise what I am up against.

1.I have got legal concil ..gone through 3 solicitors to date .. and they all want the easy way out .. me nailed to the wall. Cost are out of control and bankruptcy is on the way!

2.The 7 months is because although she petitioned me immediately .. I did not accept the peition and left things in Limbo for this amount of time ...thinking that she will come to her senses! They could not serve papers .. so they chased and chased until I decided enoigh was enough and If I accept .. I can get a contact order going to see my children. Unfortunately this means that everything else starts moving forward also.. divorce, financial arrangements etc.. Only way to stop is by defending the divorce ..which I did.

3.Set me up such that I got arrested. She and other man stuck a knife in back of my car and made serious allegations. Released and no charges were brought against me..

4.She abandoned my son of 5 years while at my parents home , while she done (3) and then made allegations to Police/Social Services or Welfare that I am kidnapping my son or smething .. will never know what the allegations were. She called my parents and said that she is on the outskirst of the city and wants to pick up my son and then set a trap that I walked into .. there was police everyhwere?

What sort of woman does this?

The legal system in the UK is biased towards women and so . I am fighting a tough battle.

miguel...


It makes absolutely no sense for you go to plan B...
none what so ever...
plan B is all about cutting off communication and contact with some one whom you are in good communication and contact with...
it the removal of oneself that leave the WS emotionally attached to the fact that the BS in no longer talking with them..

your wife wants and has no current contact with you....
she, based on your information, has made you out to look like some psycho dad....
and your response is to write her a letter...
which says don't contact me...when she has NO intention of contacting you...

she will take your plan B letter to her lawyer so fast to be evidence A, B, and C about proving that you are not wound so tight....
all based on your letter...

don't hand your WS a loaded weapon...

I have asked several times specific things about your case which you certainly don't have to respond to....but people here have been where you are...and can help if you let them..
but all you want to do is focus on your wife ...
and how to get to her....

ARE there true legal charges against you that are sticking. are you facing some type of sentencing that you have to address OR are there false charges that have been filed against you that have been proven false ...and you have counter filed against her and OM for filing falsely against you....lots of WS and BS both here have faced such things...

your telling us that the all three lawyers you have hired to represent you..are out to get you...and keep YOU from your children...or are you complaining about their fees ...
or is that a true stumbling block that you can not afford legal counsel...


She abandoned my son of 5 years while at my parents home , while she done (3) and then made allegations to Police/Social Services or Welfare that I am kidnapping my son or smething .. will never know what the allegations were.

have your parents filed counter charges over her abandoning the children and made statements to the polic on her actions...??


The legal system in the UK is biased towards women and so . I am fighting a tough battle.

so get tougher...and focus soley on the children...

I thought you had some type of supervised visits set up...what are her responsibilities to make sure the children are there.....

you may be the first one to have to challenge this system..and it may be hard...but that doesn't mean you give up....

don't give up on your children.....

I would crawl through whatever I had to see my children that were taken from me and forced to live with a strange man..

I would write them letters every day and send it to them..send copies to my lawyers...and copies to her lawyers..

I would mail them gifts..
I would scout out any old friend and family members that have access through them to her and the children and beg them to get communication to them to tell them I love them.....

I would be at the courthouse every demanding that she be held accountable for making sure the children are present for the supervised visits that they have already missed...

I would be on the media getting my story out to whomever I could..

I would crawl through whatever crap you told me to ...to get to my children...and there are days that I don't even like them that much....

you don't want me to be pushy...
then send your plan b letter that will put her over the edge...

and hand her paper that says what a wonderful mother she is and always has been, which is a lie...and she will take that part to court and it will be the nails that shut this case....

sorry you find me harsh and pushy...
I'm done

ARK