Hey fellow MB'ers.

Maybe this belongs on EN board, maybe on D/D board, maybe nowhere. But you have clicked on it, and you have the opportunity to influence the destiny of my family.

{dum, dum, DUM dum}
(shark music).

I put this one to the POJA test, and W says "no" (or rather, she is not enthused by it).

We are heading to D. I promised WW to buy her a car as part of our agreement - a used car up to a certain price, no older than 2000.

Well, there's a '99 WAY over on the other side of the country (2000 miles) and I was thinkin of buying it. Now don't start in on me about buying cars on E*bay. This would not be the first one for me. I know what to look for, so I'm not concerned about that. It's from a well-established dealer with a good reputation.

So, I would be taking a 4-5 day road trip (and a flight first, of course). W wants me to stay home - save my vacation.

What do you guys think?

-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Why are you buying her a car?

Noodle

noodle,

We worked out a division of property. Her car is old. It's part of our agreement.

-AD

OK,

Then here is what I think. Aside from child issues..independant behavior is the priviledge of being single.

Her desires are no longer your concern, POJA does not apply.

Noodle

Noodle,

That's what I was thinking - but we are still married, and I still hope for a miracle (less than 15% chance, IMHO).

What effect is it likely to have?

She will see OM with impunity for 5 days.
She won't have me to call upon to take care of her.
She might wonder what I'm up to.
She might feel like she's missing out on some fun (although I knew her well enough to know that a 4-day drive would not be her kind of fun).

Anybody else have something to say?


-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Well the price just went over what I'm willing to pay, so I'm not flying to Boise but I'm still in the market, so the question remains.

Let me know what you guys think.

Hey, and maybe I'll be driving by where you live and could meet some real-live MB'ers!

-AD

AD,

Any of these things are possible. Either you are getting a divorce or you are not.

This means that you are free from hemming and hawing over what effect your decisions will have on her. I understand that you would like reconcile..but the ball is in her court.

You can not control what she will do..she can not control what you will do. If she is unwilling to remain IN the marriage..then the details are a distraction, nothing more.

Noodle

If there is any chance of recon. - why don't both of you go? On a whim - take a chance. Just a laid-back road trip. Make no promises other than to be civil and have fun. WW might be surprised at invitation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FR

Noodle,

Thanks for your POV.

Probably I will buy a car on the Internet - maybe not so far away. Two days drive might be enough.

I need to get away for a bit.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> OK,

Then here is what I think. Aside from child issues..independant behavior is the priviledge of being single.

Her desires are no longer your concern, POJA does not apply.

Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto, this should take priority in your thinking about your relationship with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong> Noodle,

That's what I was thinking - but we are still married, and I still hope for a miracle (less than 15% chance, IMHO).

What effect is it likely to have?

She will see OM with impunity for 5 days.
She won't have me to call upon to take care of her.
She might wonder what I'm up to.
She might feel like she's missing out on some fun (although I can't imagine that a 4-day drive would be her kind of fun).

Anybody else have something to say.


-AD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NONE of this matters if you are going to plan D.

If you don't want plan D then you need to figure out how to make a 15% chance of staying together look much, much better.

Greergan,

Thanks also for your vote... er. votes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-AD

Fishracer,

I missed your post at first.

We have a 4-year-old.

So, that would be 3 plane tickets and unless the car has a DVD player, and even if it does, a looong road trip with a 4-year-old would probably doom our whatever is left of our marriage.

Our last road trip was a disaster. We ended up shouting at each other.

-AD

(now I'm posting 3 times in a row.)

We have not filed yet.

W is an immigrant and one of the things we agree on is that we both want her to get her citizenship - for which she has applied almost a year ago (long wait with INS). So, we plan to wait (unless we can't stand to wait) until she gets her citizenship.

That will release me from the "Affidavit of Support" that I signed when she got her green card (which is a good thing for me), and also be good for her.

That's where we are right now - in INS limbo.

-AD

Personally, I vote for roadtrip. I'm a traveling kind a girl and will go just about anywhere, anytime given the chance. Travel is broadening. You learn things you never knew about yourself. Driving gives you plenty of time to think. I just had this same conversation with my hairdresser yesterday. My kids and I, without WH, are taking a long roadtrip to visit my oldest at his university over spring break. It's going to be a long drive, maybe a bit boring but fun. We're taking our portable DVD player. You can buy them for around $300 and they are wonderful. If you take your 4 year old, you should invest in one.

We bought our sons' vehicles over the Internet. They were locally owned but we had good luck with them. Perhaps you could find an independent garage to check it out for you.

Even if you don't buy the car, find a way to go someplace. As a BS, I find myself feeling besieged sometimes. I think a change of scenery is good for our souls.

AD -

I say be as independent as you possibly can during this time before the divorce. Give her a taste of what is to come, and don't take the bite when she starts to snarl.

She needs to see that you have other things going on besides just her. And I don't mean other women <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Independent but charming.

You want to take a trip, take one. You want to buy a car on Ebay, buy one. You want to go out to eat with friends, go.

ad---where are you comming from----we are in nj and hubby runs a dealership......what are ya looking for----i vote road trip!!! sounds great to me---but then im always planning on getting in the car and just going....

Hi AD,

I'm pretty sure that once she has her green card it doesn't matter if you get divorced or not, she can still become a citizen.

My STBXW is a permanent resident and I'm pretty sure she can become a citizen even if we divorce.

Did you ask the INS about this?

GDF

GDF,

If we are still married, she is elligible for citizenship two years sooner than if we are not.

If we D before she gets it, her current application will be void - since it was filed as "spouse of USC". She would have to wait until 5 years (minus 90 days) after she got her GC and apply again - then wait the 18 months or so that it takes in our district. (We are under one of the slowest INS (USCIS) district offices).

But until she is a citizen, I am legally obligated to support her (whether we are married or not) under the affidavit of support that I signed when I sponsored her GC. I don't know if the gov ever enforces the affidavit of support, but legally, they can force me to repay any needs-based government services if she ever applies for welfare, food-stamps etc. (and is not yet a citizen). It is very unlikely that she would do that, but since she has never held a job, it's better for me to be off the hook officially.

-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

nikko,

LOL. Thanks. Maybe I would come up there. It's about a 2 day drive back home. I was considering a car in manhattan (can't spell that) last week - but it sold. It was a '99 Intrepid with only 30K miles for $5700. I should have bought that one - been parked in a garage most of it's life. Who needs a car in Manhattan?

I'm in the SE.

It's not like there's any shortage of car dealers. My next-door-neighbor is a car dealer. I've got two uncles in the FL panhandle that are car dealers - and their sons are in that biz too. (Kinda forgot about that. I need to visit them while unk's are still in good health. Haven't seen 'em since Mom's funeral.)

I'm looking for something reasonably solid; mid-size sedan with no more than 65K miles - like a Camry or Mitz Diamante (that's what was for sale in Boise). Diamante's are interesting 'cause they go cheaply - and are really not a bad car. A nice 'merican car might be OK too - Buick perhaps. I was considering a Dodge Intrepid, but gotta be low miles and not with the 2.7l engine (about which I have heard bad things). Other alternatives : a reliable smaller car - like Corolla, Civic, Altima, Gallant.

Interest depends on price, condition, miles, location.

-AD

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>