I have done a lot of thinking (JL still with you don't give up on me yet please)and after figuring out last night the true extent of the lies I made an appointment to see a Christian attorney. I have an appointment for tomorrow. This attorney is also a pastor. He listened to my story and asked a lot of questions on the phone. He told me that if he was my pastor he would advise me to do what I am doing. I am filing for legal separation with D to likely follow. I don't see how I can separate the data (thanks JL)from my emotions without seeing the truth. My WH is still in the A and continues to withold the truth and go behind my back. I have done this for too long.

Now, the part I need help with. Do I tell WH I am seeing an attorney before I do? I will need to get the money for the retainer together and I will need the money for the hourly fees. Anyone??

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: faithful follower ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:

Now, the part I need help with. Do I tell WH I am seeing an attorney before I do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would not.

But, that's just me.

Thank you, Pep. My gut says don't tell him but wanted to know if going behind his back is wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> Thank you, Pep. My gut says don't tell him but wanted to know if going behind his back is wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to protect your self and DD.

You are not dealing with your 'real' husband at this time.

You are dealing with the foggy WH alien ... someone you should not trust at the moment.

I highly recomment you Plan A to the max in the meanwhile. Be the most amazing stellar wife ever.

Pep

I suggest you immediately take half of the cash in all joint, liquid accounts and secure it in a new account under your name only.

Liquidate half of all jointly held, liquid investments into a new separate account under your name only.

After you do this, inform your H that you did it and then inform him you're cancelling all joint credit cards immediately.

If your attorney didn't ALREADY advise you to do this, you need a new attorney. Period.

WAT

I highly recomment you Plan A to the max in the meanwhile. Be the most amazing stellar wife ever. Ok, I will. Have not done very well the past couple days in this arena due to my extreme anger. I will put a show on for him maybe an Oscar worthy one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If your attorney didn't ALREADY advise you to do this, you need a new attorney. Period. I haven't met with him yet. Doing so tomorrow when we will go over all I need to do to protect me and my children. All we discussed today is "why" I am wanting to separate. I will take care of the financial part prior to informing WH of my intent. Thank you for the heads up WAT.

WAT is the 'go-to-guy' in these matters. He's BTDT. I have not been there and I don't know squat.

Pep

i also suggest getting all your paperwork in order also...tax records, bank statements, social #'s birth certificates, and anything else you may need a copy of. when my friend was separating she gave me a box of stuff for safe keeping....all the financial stuff like copies of taxes and mortgage stuff. good thing she did!!

FF,

One final thing to ask your lawyer. The issue is in your state how is support apportioned between children of the marriage and OC. It may come down to you having to file for CS before she does or her child will get a larger portion of H's assets.

It depends on the state, AND you need to be very mindful of this issue.

God Bless,

JL

Ok, I am having great trouble doing the "stellar" plan A because of my increasing resentment and anger. Any suggestions on getting myself back under control?

Hi Faithful,

i just saw your post. i'm sorry you are having to go thru this. i just wanted to send you some cyber support.

Karen

Thank you FL. I took a long hard look at the data like JL sugested and realized the whole truth. He is still in the A. I can't get around that the elephant is too d*mned large KWIM?

Then I keep thinking about the OW/OC being in my life forever and I just don't know if I can do this. Spoke to a Christian attorney today and will meet him tomorrow. I am not going for a D just want WH to understand I don't want this chaos in my life anymore. If it ends up a D, well his loss.

good morning FF, i hope you got some rest. keeping you in my prayers today. i'm at the theater all day but will check in with you in the evening.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> Ok, I am having great trouble doing the "stellar" plan A because of my increasing resentment and anger. Any suggestions on getting myself back under control? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not everyone can do this.

Let me re-phrase.....

Behave in a way that does not raise any suspicions on your H's part that you are about to protect yourself with legal actions. Do not forewarn him by behaving as angry and as hurt as you feel.

No yelling. No DJs. Not even discussions in order to explain yourself.

Be polite. Smile. Go about your business.

Be smart. Be stealth. Be seriously self-protective.

As if you were reporting a crime with the criminal remaining in your home. Call 911 quietly, and remain calm.

Your calmness will send a signal all it's own. Steely reserve and cool nerves. "Don't mess with me. I mean business."

sorry .... this is now a whole different kind of situation ..... and your welfare is more at risk than ever before.

Pep

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Then I keep thinking about the OW/OC being in my life forever and I just don't know if I can do this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should not accept OW/OC into your life/ home/ future if you cannot see yourself doing so with grace and some measure of confidence that you can handle this level of "in your face" reminders.

This represents a sort of committment on your part that once you make it, you have very little power over "what happends next".

This would require major "surrender" on your part. Be honest with yourself whether or not you have the ability to live with that level of surrender.

Pep

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As if you were reporting a crime with the criminal remaining in your home. Call 911 quietly, and remain calm.

Your calmness will send a signal all it's own. Steely reserve and cool nerves. "Don't mess with me. I mean business."

sorry .... this is now a whole different kind of situation ..... and your welfare is more at risk than ever before.

Pep
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, this is what I did because it was all I could handle. I just acted as though I was calm and fine. I made him breakfast this morning before he went to work. No DJ's, no questions, no discussions. I do want to leave a lasting impression before I get to the point of kicking him to the curb.

This would require major "surrender" on your part. Be honest with yourself whether or not you have the ability to live with that level of surrender. I thought I had that ability and may still do before I knew that that A was back on. OW is relentless and WH is weak. Bad combination. I could likely handle C with OC after a time but ONLY if WH was trustworthy and he is not.

Well, I had my appointment with the attorney and paid the retainer fee. They will call me Monday to let me know the paper work is ready. The attorney sends a nice letter when the papers are served explaining to the WS that he is a pastor as well as an attorney and that hopefully things can worked and settled out of court and without much expense. He also invites the WS to come to his office to talk through the specifics.

Im numb

hi FF,

i wish i could give you a big hug. you are one strong cookie, don't forget that!! love to you.

Karen