Hi Mortarman, I have been reading your responses to Caren and others and I really want to hear what you are saying. But I feel I have a roadblock and I would like to know what you think.

A little backgorund first:
I have been a Christian my entire life. I was raised in the church and had devoted my life to Christ. I have spent most of my career working for the church. I have taught preschool, elementary and have been an administrator for Christian schools. A few years ago I left the school, taking a position at a software company. Mostly for economic reasons. Up until 2003 I had attended church atleast twice a week and headed up the children's ministry.

After D day I fell from the Lord and cant find my way back. I havent attended my own church in several years and I feel so lost. I have been attending the church where my son goes to school, but it isnt the same. I dont feel it. I feel so far from Christ and I dont know how to get back to Him. I cant even pray anymore. I can recite prayers but I cannot find my own words.

I guess my question is, how do I find my way back? How do I open my heart back up and accept what He has for me? I know that God will not give me more than I can handle. When things were bad I used to say "Bring it on" as I truly felt there wasnt anything I couldnt handle with Him by my side. Now I just feel alone and without hope. When someone is at their lowest and so far from God, how do I get back home? How do I find my lost faith?

Thanks for your time Mortarman.

Great questions. And I hope I can help.

First off, I noticed in your posts a lot about what you did at church, or what church you went to. And then you ask questions about how you get back in touch with Christ.

My first question would be what your relationship was like before all of this. Remember, this isnt a religion, as you know. It is a relationship with Him.

So, what was your relationship like before with Him? Your personal relationship. And then, what was it that came between you two. Let's start there, in order to figure out where you are.

Remember, He isnt lost...you are. So you are not so much finding Him as letting Him find you.

In His arms.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

I have always felt Christ in my heart. I have always been able to see his will and submit myself. Now I dont even feel Him. I know it is me. I know I am the one lost.

A part of me feels that taking a job outside of the church was the beginning. When my H started his stupidity I fell a little farther and stepped down from my childrens ministry position. When my Marriage hit its lowest point I felt the light go out. I actually felt it. I have had so many sad things happen since then and I cant see his will or plan. I want to feel his love again. Maybe I just need to figure out how to open my heart back up.

I have to go back to work, butI will be back later..

Thank you Mortarman, for your time.

Cookies,

I want you to remember something thru all of this. The light did not go out. That is a lie, whispered to you by Satan. Remember, He said He would never leave you nor forsake you. So, guess what? He has been there the whole time.

You have fallen for the lie. The same lies that Satan used on Eve in the Garden. You doubt yourself, your relationship with Him, etc. And if Satan can get you to do that, then ANYTHING can happen, right? I havent read your bio on here, but I assume that the PA you had was during this period of feeling "lost."

The Bible talks a lot about Christians that fall away. That if you do, God will answer NONE of your prayers. So, in reality...without true repentance, then God is under no obligation to listen to nor grant any of your requests. Of course, non-Christians who pray arent even heard by God. But the Christian that is in carnality, gets to that point also. And I think you understand that point.

Your question is how do you get back. But the funny thing is, that you never really left! He is there whether you feel Him or not. He is there whether you hear from Him or not. You accepted Him as your Lord and Savior...and He will never leave, no matter what you do.

A pastor said in a sermon I heard the other day... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Emotions follow obedience."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cookies...what do you KNOW to be true about Jesus? You know Him, right? What do you KNOW to be true about Him? Are the doubts and the lies being presented by Satan true?

Look, at night...when I go to sleep and close my eyes, I can no longer sense that I am in my house. My senses mostly cannot tell me that now. But that does not change the fact that I am in my house. Or that my wife is lying next to me.

You have to start by knowing where you are, and where He is. Know that He is there, and inside you. You knwo that to be the truth.

Secondly, I am not sure of your past, especially recent past so I will just say this in general. If you have been carnal and in rebellion to God, then He will not answer your prayers or be in contact with you. So, if this is the case, then repentance is in order. Repentance is sorrow for what you have done and turning around and doing it right.

This trial you are stuck in may be a test. To test your faithfulness. Do you trust Him, even when you dont hear from Him? It may be as simple as that. And once you clear this test, you will hear from Him again.

But I will need more info on this to know where your specific situation is.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you trust Him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think thats it. I dont trust Him. I dont trust anything. The betrayal of my H smashed my trust to smithereens. I check every lock twice because I dont trust that I locked them the first time. I dont trust anything that anyone says to me. My son can tell me the sky is blue and I will look anyways. I am afraid. I am scared to death to trust anything. My friends always say I have one of the best memories but now I dont trust my memories. Was everything I ever believed to be truth actually a lie?

My H was my first love. We were 13. We were so connected, even at that age. We both came from abusive backgrounds and we understood each other and even then we could feel what we had was unique. We didnt stay together, we were only 14 and we broke up. We still went to school together and we dated on and off throughout high school. After college (1993) he came home and we ran into each other at a party and spent that night and each night after until 2003 together. We had only spent 3 or 4 night apart until we seperated. We had the most incredible relationship then marriage. We couldnt believe how happy we were. We really knew each other and understood. We talked about God and his plan for us. After our son was born it only got better. We wanted more children and also to foster/adopt children in need. We were active in our church, we always had a house full of kids and we thought we were so blessed.

When our son was 2, H needed surgery for a shoulder injury. He had been in pain for awhile and it was supposed to be a routine surgery. H had an allergic reaction to the anesthisia and his lungs shut down. He had to be revived. I fell to my knees in the waiting room. The chaplain came to pray with me. My pastor came. I wasnt able to see my H for almost 3 hours. When I was allowed in ICU he was connected to tubes, needles, breathing machines, heart monitors. I have never been so afraid in my life. I held his hand and prayed for him to be ok. I told the Lord I would give anything for him to be ok. My H was unresponive that day and night. The next morning he woke up and first thing out of his mouth was "Where is my wife?" He recovered very fast and was released 2 days later. That night he told me to get a sitter we were going to a party. I told him HELL NO you just were released from ICU. He went anyways and was drinking. I was bewildered because he didnt really drink in the first place.

Im sure you can see where this story is going. H became detached from me. He started going out with his friends a lot. He started staying out drinking all night. It just got worse. I look back and think I should have stepped in and took control a long time ago. I should have known this was only going to get worse. I just thought it was short term. That he would return to normal and sometimes he did. The situation progressed to us both being bitter, angry, and unable to communicate at all. That was when his drinking became excessive and he had 2 ONS. I found out immediately and was mad. I was mad that he disrespected me and rejected me for so long and I thought I would show him and have an affair of my own. I would prove that another man would want me. OK, so worst idea I have ever had in my life. Short lived affair that destroyed my self respect. I never felt any better for it. It didnt make anything better. Made it worse.

Sorry for the long, drawn out story. I was just trying to explain why my trust has been so badly damaged. The man whom I married, the man who loved and knew me so well could betray me. We had both promised we would never inflict pain on each other. We promised we would never hurt our son. We promised. We had grown up in the maddness and he swore he would never hurt me. That he would never make me feel stupid for trusting him.

I could go on and on and Im sorry for the rambling. Sometimes I try to make sense of what has happened to me and writing this was very theraputic actually.

Thanks for reading all this Mortar.