As I stated on an earlier post, my husband (of 14 years)started chatting with various women online, one of which resulted in a short term EA. I found out about it back in June of 2004 and confronted him which he denied but eventually had to face up to once I showed him the proof that I had. Any how, he said it was long over. He continued to chat with other women, still overtly flirting with them. saying very sweet things to them, one he calls his "Indian Princess" (she is from India). He has several ID's that he keeps hidden from me, at least 2 that I know of. He has recently moved out (just nextdoor in a rental that we own) but comes over all the time and sleeps over (when ever things are calm between us). I feel very much used and very angry and stressed. he stays at "his" house whenever he has to work so that I wont know when he gets home(because he often stays at work late into the night to chat with his women because it bothers me that he chats with them and I have bugged the home pc's).this is his answer to our problems!! He has told no one of our seperation. not his co-workers or his family. He says if he does that will only open up the fact that he is not with his wife and the women at work will be all over him (conceded or what!!)
He says if anyone ask's about why we are not together that I should be descrete and give a generic answer ie: we decided that we no longer are compatable and decided this was best.
He says that I am dwelling on his online women and that those are not what is wrong with us, but rather it is my insecurities and my being controlling of him.

NOW:my question (sorry it took so long to get to)
should I respect "his" answer or should I, if asked, tell them the real reason. by the way he told me if I did say anything about it to anyone that they would laugh at me because it is no big deal.

if anyone has been through this I'd like to know what to do. I am also on Yahoo as javajami

I have a question for you. Why are you not telling people? What's in it for you? He's not even staying in the same house as you are. What are you gaining by keeping his dirty little secret? Nothing. So, ask yourself the question again.

-Caren

I have told everyone. Go ahead -you have done no wrong. So why not. Tell

Mainegirl, I would make up a list of all your close friends and family and call them up. Tell them you are separated because your H is having internet affairs and you would very much appreciate their moral support.

Then go tell him that since it is "no big deal" and "they will just laugh" that you were just trying to brighten their day with a good laugh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

See, he wants you to help him keep his dirty little secret because he knows it's wrong. But, if you do keep his dirty little secret, you will just help him continue in little fantasy land.

When he has to justify this unjustifiable behavior to his family and friends, he will start to wake up out of his little fantasy and see how foolish he looks. But if you don't expose him, you just help him remain in his little fantasy land.

Help him out of fantasy land, MG, don't help him hide his little secret.

Why on earth would you lie to protect a cheat? You have doneNOTHING wrong, why would you feel you have something to hide?! Be honest, shout it from the rooftops if you feel the need, it can be very therapeutic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Him isolating himself further just goes to show he currently has no intent of fixing anything right now. I am sorry for your pain!!

Thanks for the replies. I guess my fear is what he will say. sad but true!! I know I shouldn't care after all he didn't consider my feelings. He has always stressed - privacy , privacy, privacy all thro out our M, in areas of our life. I have not worked in almost 20 years, I stayed at home to raise our 4 kids. H did not want me to work even after the last child started school. thought that I should be home and accessible to the kids just the same( I just recently went ahead a got a job). so I have not developed outside friendships. my life has been him and the kids. I live close to my family but am not "CLOSE" to them. so needless to say I am not used to going against his wishes. I might add, that he is not an abusive guy, so I don't fear him in that aspect. sorry that I am so long winded, guess it is good venting. thanks again
-Jamie-

Did he stress "secrecy, secrecy, secrecy?" Because that is what he is demanding now. His affairs are surviving on all that secrecy - WITH YOUR HELP. So take your pick, do you want a chance to end his nonsense or do you want to just live with it and do nothing?

Your marriage will survive exposure, but it won't survive these affairs. Take your pick.....

Mainegirl, you posted to me that my story enlightened you about what your husband may be going through. I am the WS that unwittingly became involved online and am struggling to withdraw. I think your H is in denial that he has an addiction problem. I was addicted to my online OM after just a few weeks of contact. If your H has been in the throes of this behavior for months & years with multiple AP's it seems to me he needs to face up to the fact that what he is doing is wrong.

Mainesgirl, a person with an addiction will not stop unless the discomfort becomes too great. By helping him hide his dirty secret, you are helping him maintain his addiction. This is why he has threatened you into silence. He KNOWS it will break up his little party.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Yesterday I saw H's sister.... she asked how we were doing... so I told her that he was not living at home full time and that he has been having his share of EA's and passing his cell # out to them. She gave me a hug and said that if he wasn't her brother that she would kick his butt (she used more colorful language,LOL). I also let him know that I told her, he took it better then I thought he would. then i proceeded to tell him I was tired of his flip-flopping and he needed to choose, me or his online women. he left and went to "his" house. guess i got my answer. Hope I can stay firm in my decision. I love him soooo much.