After several discussions w/ WH over the mess our lives have been lately, I told him I could not just go on like this indefinitly. I am so angry, hurt, sad... this was A #2 for him and I cannot believe I even am still speaking to him!

He has est. NC, last known C was 9 days ago. OW is "taking some time off" from the gym and isn't around right now... I personally hope she stays gone! FOREVER! He is in IC, going to churchand I am seeing some effort, stillI am not feeling very patient.

I told him I wanted to feel like there is a rhythm to life, more normal stuff and feeling better about things within a month... or that I reserved the right to move on without any addtl crap from him (yeah, I know!) We agreed on April 2nd.

Is this too much? Am I pushing? OK, I know I am pushing but this is ridiculous! I am feeling such a sense of total injustice and not liking it at all! This man used me beyond belief!! Before, during and after d-day... I spent the night in the hospital w/him for his back surgery and was taking care of him after... just to find out that he was still talking to OW and had been lying through his teeth to me...Sickening!

So why should I continue to put myself out there for the pain and suffereing he continues to bring into my life? If he truly loved me, he would never had cheated again! Ridiculous!

My kids are great, they deserve better...I am not a horrible person, I deserve better... why would I put myself through this over and over again? What are the chances he will reform now? What is the point?

Sorry, having a bad day! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Tx-RN...

I'm sorry, I have no advice for you. Only you know what and how much you can deal with.

My own situation has been going on for 10 months now, with WH still in contact with OW (after he returned home - another failed Plan B).

He lied to get back home, and is still in contact with OW (I have a tape of him talking to her on the phone - also, he had her home phone # on his work cell....a Freudian "slip"???)

I am personally getting ready to go to a full on Plan B....with no turning back.

I finally see that an A is TRULY and addiction. And has to be treated as such. Tough Love.

I do truly feel your pain.....everyone here does.

But, like I said, only you know what you are willing to put up with, or NOT put up with!

You have my support.

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TX,

I am so sorry you are going through this. My WS has had 3 EA's and I have gotten nothing but lies every time.

No, you are not a horrible person and you do not deserve this. Your WH is doing this, not you.

Keith

PS. Hey, we all have had bad days. Everyday has been bad for me for the last 9 months.

Hi Tx-RN,

Looks like we're both having a bad day on the same day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess my question to you would be, what does "rhythm to life, more normal stuff and feeling better about things" look like? With only 9 days of NC (or at least, since last contact, which they say sets everything back to square one), it's all still pretty fresh, no? The difference between 9 days and 39 days isn't very long in the scheme of things and you will likely not even have begun to think about trusting him by then, much less have started to process this.

What's "normal"? Bills, grocery shopping, making meals, work, kids...? Is it the ability to do that without some innocuous thing such as buying a cup of coffee trigger you violently and set the adrenaline coursing?

I suspect that feeling as though life has lost its rhythm and that you generally DON'T feel better about things IS, in fact, quite normal at this stage.

I totally get your desire to have the limbo end. To have a specific date on which you will feel justified in making a decision one way or another and just pursuing that course to the end.

But what happens on April 2? Presuming there continues to be no contact and he continues to put in effort, how are you going to gauge how you feel? The roller coaster has ups and downs - what if April 2 is a downturn?

My fear is that in your desire to simply end the pain (which I know I share and I'll bet most, if not all, BSs share), you will choose the route that seems the most pain-free.

It's totally within your right to call it quits. You know I'm struggling with the same decision myself. But from what I read here, your reasons for doing so should be because you really, truly want a divorce, not because you want to end the pain.

Because the pain won't end just b/c your marriage does. Life will continue to be abnormal. Life will have to find a new rhythm. And you will feel better about some things, but not about others.

It sure sucks being here, doesn't it? And this is your second time doing it, too. I'm so sorry.

((((((((Tx-RN))))))))

Blessings,

Gris

--"Because the pain won't end just b/c your marriage does. Life will continue to be abnormal. Life will have to find a new rhythm. And you will feel better about some things, but not about others."

You are right, of course. I guess there is this need to try and control something that is totally out of my hands...nuts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I swore last A I would never do this again, that he had one shot to make it right and there would be no more... And he did, things were good, peaceful, nice. At the time he meant that he would "never do this to you again"... still trying to figure out what happened and so quickly!

This man bought me a bouquet of flowers, a card and a giant balloon on Christmas Eve (my b-day) and brought them to the hosptial w/ our kids cause I had to work, a huge & sweet surprise! About a week later he was having sex w/ her!!! WTH?! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I try to factor in the intense back pain he was in...the pain meds and the constant depression that accompanied it... still, no excuses for him, he knew better and did it anyway!

What is normal? Not real sure!! But it does not feel "normal" for WH to leave our home every evening.. to have SF in my car cause the kids are home and he never stays late enough to have it otherwise...although there was one day they were all at school... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> None of this feels normal!

I am young, attractive and very loving and intelligent... I have alot to give. If I am done here, if this man is not able to fill my needs, then why shouldn't I cut loose and start the next chapter of my life already? Sounds all nice and neat, doesn't it?! Too bad it is never that simple! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well, the coaster is clicking along... he says he thinks I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... That is exactly what I am doing!!

I have spent my life waiting for the other shoe, and usually when I stop waiting it kicks me in the rump! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Am I the one who does not get it, or is he???

FWH drove me to work this AM, also told me he's glad "it's" over... I asked "what, the A?" and he said yeah... I said why (except for the obvious impending doom I was about to unleash in his and her lives!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He said cause somewhere deep down he knew it was against his basic nature and he knew it was wrong... all along he knew it was wrong and it was "eating" at him.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Can we see the parting of the clouds? I am so afraid to put hope here, but if I don't why bother hanging around at all!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

OMG I am getting little "I love that man" butterflies...stop it, stop it, stop it!!! I am not ready to quit hating him yet, I think... maybe it's just gas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

He said cause somewhere deep down he knew it was against his basic nature and he knew it was wrong... all along he knew it was wrong and it was "eating" at him.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This troubles me. His remark "somewhere deep down"..... Hmmmmm

What did he learn from his first affair (offense)? Nothing?

Also, this "eating at me" remark of his .... completely ignores the hurt that is NOW eating YOU alive. Pretty self-indulgent "waa-waa I hurt myself" baby talk coming from a two-strikes guy.

Why isn't he more humble before you? Why isn't he on his knees begging for another chance that he knows he does not deserve?

Something about this is really bothering me, and I am having trouble putting my finger on it's pulse. (I'm an RN too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> We could start an RN-MB club, there are many of us here .... )

News flash for Transplant RN !!!

You do NOT need to hate him in order to leave him after he committed his second affair during your marriage.

You leave him if and when you can no longer respect yourself or respect him as marriage partners.

Whenever a second affair is discovered .... this is my first thought ---> The second affair that you know about. Maybe there is more ???

A much greater risk for the BS who tries to "make it work" after a second offense.

Not that this marriage cannot work, it can, others have worked after more than one affair ... but the stakes ARE higher.

Make yourself some very clearly defined boundaries .... and do not move them around.

Make the conditions to protect yourself VERY tight. See if he objects. See if he complies without complaint. That will give you some idea of his level of committment. If he wiggles your reasonable safety boundaries .... he's not ready to surrender himself to the well-being of the marriage.

How is he doing in other areas of the marriage? Such as financial support? Attention? Domestic support? Sexual fulfillment?

And, the very worst question .... How are you going to reconcile to yourself moving your own boundary?

Pep

I know this is completely off topic, but I'm a Tx Coordinator (Admin) in Philly, where are you from Tx-RN?

Karena-

I think the TX stands for Texas.

Trans-

In regard to the little **I love this man** butterflies. I understand that all too well, I get them a lot. When he sat on my couch and cried and told me that he didn't want me to be with anyone else.....when he left, but then came back to my door just to tell me that he loved me....they are short lived butterflies, as his moments of clarity are brief.

I am ready to go back into Plan B for the FINAL time....something has gotta give this time. It'll either be him ending his A for good or me ending our marriage for good.

My thoughts are with ya',

-Caren

Pep: I hear you loud and clear... that is exactly why I am having so many troubles simply moving forward this time. WH also seems hesitant but I can attribute that for him wanting to be genuine this time... he is infamous for just going along w/ everything and resenting and sabotaging it. Passive-aggressive to the max... he learned from the best, he is 3-4th generation passive-aggressive pro!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Still, I do not know that I am at the point of wanting to end the M either... I obviously am not or I would have by now!! Close, God I have been close, but not there yet!

He is making efforts: SF, well when it happens it is good (always has been though!)

Domestic: yeah, useless except for taking full responsibility for AM kid routines and frequently handling the pick-ups too. He sucks at the housework stuff, though!

Attention: so-so but improving... he seems to spend alot of time reflecting, not used to that! But he also is making an effort to reach out and be kind. He calls me alot, often just checks in.

Financial: Big, big issue here! I have made 80% of the household income since I started nursing 6 yrs ago... he fell and broke his back just before I graduated and was out for awhile. He got his Massage Therapy diploma & started working. This office is his 2nd business endeavor to do it on his own. He lost his 1st office cause his 1st A was w/ a client and she got vindictive when he broke it off!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He is in IC and we did MC too, but she separarted us for awhile.... he is learning about co-dependency, and how to stop being selfish! He is trying to right himself w/ the Lord and going to church more regularly... he is making some efforts!

This A was w/ a woman who works at the gym where his office is, where he leases space. I think he gets close to some success and for some reason screws it up... OW is "taking some time off" and I am very happy bout that, but I get sick of paying the bills, working overtime and supporting him and that dam*ed office just to have him thank me like this!!

This A... he was hurt again, had herniated two discs (again)... not working much, too painful. I was working overtime to keep it all together, I was trying to work on my Master's Degree online, work toward a Tx Coord. position and get more normal hrs.... I did not fuss when he stopped having SF w/ me (figured he was in pain--- he sid so!) I did not fuss when he came home and slept most days (again, the pain) I told him I was tired of the attitude though, and he tells me he wants a D!!! WTH?! That was when it was apparent there was more here than his back!!! I was buying him pain meds to go screw OW!!!!! Nice, very nice!

Don't trust him much at all... no reason to. NC is only 10 days old now, still fresh. WH says he is working on making himself a better H and man so he can come home and be what I deserve, that I need to be patient... one of the things I most certainly am not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have boundaries, a whole list of em... don't see me budging, have no reason to. I am young, I can go forward from here... I am a survivor (cue the music!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry Caren, Katena is right... that is why I changed my name!! I am in SC Katena.

Caren, good luck w/ Plan B... we are too cloe still for that. Who knows, maybe, but I am not into it yet!

LOL, it's all good, I'm wrong a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the well wishes.

Wish I was in SC dang it, I'm in Ohio....yick.

-Caren

I drove through Ohio this past summer, nothing that I could see, land, some cows... nothing! Was stuck on the Ohio Turnpike or something... very weird, no exits! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am often wrong too, but you will never hear me admit it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well WH picked me up from work, we talked on the way home. He was sweet, listened and apologized alot.

He said that before all this started he wasn't even attracted to OW?! Uh, ok, that makes it all better.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Also, she was apparently back at the gym today... so much for time off!!!

He said he wants me to worry bout "me" and let him worry about him... I said I am, but, I am also going out on a major limb here and not exactly liking the view... It is taking alot of trust to even consider letting him back home again...

Came home, locked the door and had some major quickie SF... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... Don't ask!!!

MIL came and I sat quietly for a few minutes and had t ocome in here... can't look at her knowing what she did to H <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .... sick, psycho, *&^$%#%^&&**

Now we are going to dinner, mexican... I am off tomorrow, am not driving and am gonna have me a big old margarita!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well. It is not quite 10pm and WH is gone, the kids are in bed and I am all alone... bad and good, sorta peaceful, not used to that! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I do not know... I want to believe we are healing, that we are growing, just not sure...