Says I will never move on, my pride too hurt, so I should have an A, to balance things out.

I think she says this for her benefit, will ease her conscious. Wish I had known this before, God knows I have had gold-plated chances. She says I will lose the anger, which I have a ton of, which I displayed last nite, came within inches of hitting her.

Anyone ever heard this and then followed thru with the A? What was the fallout?

betrayed-

I haven't personally heard of that, but here's an opinion....

Consider what her affair has done to you. Perhaps your children, if you have any. The ripple affect it caused.

Affairs are based on selfishness and thoughtlessness. They don't normally last and inflict lifelong damage to everyone.

Don't do it. If you want a relationship, find one to work on but don't pacify your hurt by using someone else. Just my opinion...

Oh, I can't think of a worse plan to recovery than for you to have an A. Sorry to quote a cliche, but two wrongs do not make a right. She says she wants you to, probably because then you wouldn't have the moral highground on her.

More importantly, it won't make you feel less angry. It would be an endless quagmire of retribution and hurt feelings. And, whose wife or other woman are you going to hurt to get back at your W? Or, are you just going to tell her, "I just want to sleep with you for awhile and don't get too attached to me." How's that sound?

Don't go there dude. A's never make anyone feel better. It's better to work on your M in healthy ways.

Sounds concerning that you almost hit your W. Are you two in counseling and working on this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed man:
<strong> Says I will never move on, my pride too hurt, so I should have an A, to balance things out.

I think she says this for her benefit, will ease her conscious. Wish I had known this before, God knows I have had gold-plated chances. She says I will lose the anger, which I have a ton of, which I displayed last nite, came within inches of hitting her.

Anyone ever heard this and then followed thru with the A? What was the fallout? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't tell you about follow through and fallout, other than you will probably seal the death of your marriage. Besides that, illicit sex - the likely reason you, being male, would start an affair, is not all that great anyway.

Your wife is wrong about how you should address your anger, but she is right that you will indeed have to address it.

I understand your anger. I understand it in its extreme form. I will also tell you that you have to lose it.

The hard facts. YOU have chosen to stay in your marriage. You have done so knowing full well that your wife has been unfaithful. You have chosen to deal with it. It is not her fault that you have chosen to stay and attempt to work on your marriage.

In the same way, you can chose to end it. You have the right, you have earned it.

What you do NOT have the right to do, is to harm your wife. Coming close is too close.

Next time you don't think you can handle your anger, walk off.

Dealing with your anger WILL help your marriage and the recovery thereof.

Please consider some professional help.

Having said the hard things, I greatly admire your strength, and the wisdom you have imparted here.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi betrayed man,

Why would you having an affair help you move on? As though having an affair would renew your sense of self-esteem (given that your pride is too hurt, according to her)? As though an affair relationship is wonderful and personally validating and that you resent her for all the good times she had and the best way to even things out is to give you a chance to "share" equally in the good times?

Why would you having an affair ease her conscience? Because she is feeling guilty about what happened and if the playing field is somehow levelled then a) she doesn't need to feel as guilty and b) you don't have a right to be angry with her? (Another possibility that I read a few days ago on someone else's thread is that in a backwards way she is looking for punishment for her own actions and feels that the "just" punishment for the pain she's caused you is having to feel a similar pain herself.)

I think your answer lies in part in the anger you feel. Her affair caused a wound so great that you find yourself lashing out in a barely controlled manner. Why would you consider behaving in a way that might cause that kind of pain (regardless of whether the person so pained did it to you first)?

There's the added issue that if your sole reason to have an affair is to assuage your wife's conscience and somehow perk up your self-esteem, the person with whom you have a relationship becomes an object. The person so used either goes into the relationship knowing that it's just a temporary situation to allow you to work things out with your wife or is lied to and thinks that she is entering a relationship that actually has a future.

Your anger worries me a bit. Anger is normal, but when it comes close to physical violence, I get worried. Do you have "safe" places where you can work through some of this anger (i.e. not directly at your wife)?

All the best,

Gris

Betrayed man (I was just going to use your initials, but then thought the better of it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ),

Just after d-day, I gave my H permission to have an A. He would tell me that he was angry (yelling, throwing things, degrading me, calling names), upset, and hostile. He told me he was attracted to this woman he works with. He would often tell me that he wanted to sleep with her. And I told him to go ahead if it would make him feel better.

Was it to resolve my guilt? No. Was it so that he wouldn't have moral high ground on me? No. It was because I couldn't stand seeing him hurt so much, and he truly thought that he would feel somewhat avenged by having the A. I believed, like your W, that it would take away some of the anger.

He never did follow through with that one.

But 1 year into recovery, he was involved in an EA with one of our mutual friends (a divorced FBS who was "helping" us with our Recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ). They would go to happy hour and talk for hours. They would exchange e-mails hatefully beating up on her boyfriend as well as myself. He told her he wanted to take her on vacation alone, and he would take her kisses as payment. He said he wanted her to move in with him when he moved out of our apartment. Blah blah blah.

It was an exit A (IMHO). All the while, he is degrading me about my A, still distrusting me, calling me a 'whore' and other various disrespectful things. And my A was over 1 and a half years prior....not to mention that I jumped on the bandwagon for recovery.

Here's what I've figured out now. Even if he had an A right after d-day, it would still not have subsided any of his feelings. Because it would not have been emotionally involved, he would be doing it as a direct result of my actions (ie - blame me), AND he would have my permission.

So in his mind, it would still not have been as bad as my A was.....so he would still feel the anger, hatred, hurt, etc.

All it would have done would be to hurt our chances at recovery even more.

And the exit A that he had last....that hurt. But he doesn't feel remorse for it. She cut him off last November because her boyfriend started to get upset with STBXH and her spending so much time together. About that time, he started calling me again....missing me, etc. But he says he feels no remorse because "it wasn't as bad as mine....he didn't F*** her." After nearly 2 years and a very attached EA, his initial anger, hatred, etc is still there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

So if you truly want recovery, then make an independent decision whether or not you will have an A. Don't hinge your decision upon your W's actions. Don't use it as 'punishment'. If you are going to have an A, make it a choice that you own. Just like the WS did.

But then expect the same consequences as the WS in the end. If you want just a peek on how that feels, take a look at the self-forgiveness thread for FWS's over on recovery.....
for FWS on self forgiveness

IMVHO, if your W is truly remorseful, she doesn't really want you to have an A. She wouldn't really want for you to feel the self-hatred, the hurt that it will cause others, how 'unfun' it really is, and how horrible it is to betray the M, morals, and your S.

Sure, it will give a momentary high. But then you will end up even worse than square one. Why? Well, because then you have multiple infidelities. And it won't truly resolve your feelings....or even hers. All it will do is add more negativity onto the M.

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

Good post, Gris.

Betrayed, the anger part worried me as well. If you don't have or find a healthy outlet for the anger, it may destroy your chances of recovery alone. It did our M.....

Just something to think about.

Yes, my husband told me to have an affair of my own, and I quote "Then we'll be even. But you could never mention my affair to me again."

I saw it for what it was at the time- wanted me to be as 'bad' as he was.

Several months ago he confessed he told me that as a test. If I had fallen for it he would have divorced me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's the added issue that if your sole reason to have an affair is to assuage your wife's conscience and somehow perk up your self-esteem, the person with whom you have a relationship becomes an object. The person so used either goes into the relationship knowing that it's just a temporary situation to allow you to work things out with your wife or is lied to and thinks that she is entering a relationship that actually has a future. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow. Maybe the best reason of all not to follow through. I will hit my wife with this, to see her reaction.