Quick stats...
Married 14 years, separated 7 months (at my request)
Him- WS for the better part of 6 years..multiple women, lunch time sex- no "love and forever" feelings with them...
D-Day about 4 years ago...
I wanted a divorce...circumstances created a situation that delayed it....I turned away from him, away from God...
This past year- he started inappropriate (non physical that I know of) relationships with over 4 different women- moved out of the bedroom a year ago and told me to "go find someone else"....
I did- and ended up having sex with 4 different guys over as many months
Re-committed my life to God in August...he moved out in August....
Since that time, I have felt led to turn my heart back to him, to our marriage and I was ready to walk away...

Sorry that "Sum it up" is long...
but here is my question....

I do not want a divorce now. I have agreed to one, filled out my part of the paperwork, consulted with a lawyer and so forth.

HE will not file!! Infact, he won't even discuss it with me- via email or otherwise!!

He hardly ever calls...and is content living a single life...is serving in the church- but it's hard to know if he is really serving God...

He does nice things around the house for us...seems to enjoy time with the family and sometimes suggests it...

I am trying DESPERATELY to have no contact...and when we DO- to be as pleasant and loving as possible...I am at peace with the fact that we will be divorcing...

But that's just it...He is TOTALLY confusing me!!! Why won't he just divorce me?????

He has cheated, lied, lived the better part of our 14 years walking away from me, from my love and rejecting everything about me! 7 months of separation and still no divorce?? He refuses all counseling- always has- no individual OR marriage counseling...

In one conversation he says there is no hope, and he NEVER says "I love you" or "I miss you"...but then the next conversation, he is telling me to be patient.

14 years and 7 months??? How much more patience am I to show?

I just don't understand? He has left and wants out on every level...yet keeps me in limbo and won't just file so that it is final....

HE WON'T EVEN DISCUSS IT!?!?!

I'm so confused...what is going on? What would you do? Do I take control and pursue filing for a divorce I don't even want now????

The logical part of me thinks "Good grief- it is OBVIOUS he does NOT want to be with me..." and then he continously acts in kindness towards me- like we should be friends?!? How can he think we can be friends???

I just don't understand....is this normal and can someone explain???

Please help me.....
Jeepgirl

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Jeepgirl ]</small>

Jeepgirl, we can't possibly know what your H thinks.

I am just very concerned that you have been living in a war zone for 6 years. It seems like you would get tired of that and take back control of your life. Wouldn't you like to have a life? A normal life?

Are you in counseling?

That's just it....I can't tell what he is thinking either you know?

I need to just stop this- step off the spinning wheel and get my kids and I on a path to some stability!!

I'm not in counseling currently...

I've been reading Boundaries...and also How to Mend a Broken Heart....my natural tendancies are to be hopeful...you know- optimistic...

I guess as I re-read my post....I've answered my own questions...

Yes I should file....he is not going to...hence the cheating right? Not being able to give me up...yet not being able to commit to marriage to me....

It doesn't seem natural or normal that WS's would spend so long confused right? How do people know when it's the right time to file? I don't have the anger that I thought would be associated with it that would prompt me to get moving into a divorce you know?

Jeepgirl, he is not confused. You are.

It doesn't matter what he is thinking; it matters what you are thinking. And hopefully you would see that cheating is a way of life with him. I don't see anything in your post that would indicate that he has undergone a major character change that would change that.

So, if he did take you back, what would be different?

BUT.......he hasn't even made such a gesture, much less a committment. There is nothing here, Jeepgirl. He is not even offering you six more years of hell.

I agree that it's good to be optimistic, but quite another thing to be unrealistic. And I am sorry to be blunt, but I believe this falls in the latter.

What would your life be like if you didn't have to live with this kind of turmoil and uncertainty? You really don't have to live like this, you know?

P.S. You have good taste in vehicles. I am on my 3rd Jeep Grand Cherokee! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I won't own anything else.

You are right....I need to file for this divorce and get my life moving in the right direction.

I am trusting my future to God everyday...and believing his promises!! I keep reading and re-reading Isaiah 54....I cannot control what another person does/wants/thinks....and I can't keep waiting...you are definitely right in that I don't want ANOTHER 6 years of limbo!!

haha- I shouldn't be too confused right? After all- it's friday night...i'm sitting here all alone on a website for building marriages...and he is at his OWN place with our 3 kids and hasn't called me at all this week...

Not too hard to figure out....

Thanks MelodyLane!!

LOL
He drives a Grand Cherokee...blue
I drive a Yellow Wrangler
I guess we are a Jeep Family!!
Good to meet another Jeep fan!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I just couldn't ever bring myself to drive a minivan! hahaha

Jeeps are wonderful, aren't they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JG, I am heartbroken about your children. But I wonder if you moved forward with your life if it wouldn't wake him up? See, if he is a serial cheater there is hope, but it will come from alot of hard work on changing himself. Usually via counseling. It doesn't seem like he believes he even has a problem, though. And the fact is that you can't change him. BUT......you might motivate him to change if he saw that you were taking back control of your life and moving forward with or without him. And without all the craziness and turmoil.

So, my suggestion would be to consider sending him a Plan B letter and cutting off contact with him. In the letter you could explain to him that you are moving forward and that if he wants to join you, he might be able to do so if he made changes and agreed to certain stipulations. It would give him a chance, a path back if he chooses to take it. That way he would know you are not doing this to punish him and you leave a door open.

The no contact in Plan B would also give you a chance to detach from him and regain some sanity in your life. You have been dealing with this turmoil for a very long time.

Anyway, that is just something to think about. If you decide to do it, we will help you fashion a letter and set up a strategy.

...yeah, but they suck gas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I agree w/ above, Jeepgirl, sounds like he is cake-eating and fence-sitting... what do you want?!

Do you want a D? If so then file... I assume if WH is out of the house then he is carrying on As... is this the case as you know it? Sounds like 7 months is a long time to wait and still be no better off.

Only you know how much you can take... I am praying for you! (((jeepgirl)))

Jeepgirl, you wrote something very interesting in another thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He freaks out when I mention divorce...he accuses me of being impatient and tells me to quit pushing while he figures out what he wants!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't have to figure out anything as long as he knows you will wait for him. He can sit on the fence forever and play swinging bachelor as long as he knows you will be sitting there waiting.

JG, I think you have a very useful tool in your hands that you are not using. There are no guarantees, BUT, at WORST going into Plan B will give you a chance to detach from this nightmare. At BEST, it would yank this man out of his delusional little fantasy world.

But, until you do something, he has no reason to change.

I must not be reading thru the site good enough....where is the info on plan a, plan b?

I think I've been "Plan A'ing" without result (trying to meet his needs- even from afar, loving him, kindness, patience, gentle attitude and words, etc..)...but before I move to Plan B and take the final step and send him the letter and cut off all contact, I want to make sure I've read up on it so I know what I'm doing and how to handle it...(ie: what to do when he calls or emails, how to cut off converstations that are painful or start to be "friendly" and not just about kids"...is that what Plan B is?)

I need to take time to heal, make new friends, concentrate on my kids....

Can you point me in the right direction for the Plan A/Plan B material?

And thanks you guys...he is a fencesitter- and I've been one too....I'm jumping off of it this weekend...

THANKS!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jeepgirl, I fully agree with your assessment about Plan A. You have been doing that for YEARS. Plan B means that you end contact with him. You do it with a love letter expressing your love for him but giving him a path back. In it you stipulate what it will take to gain entrance back into the marriage. You tell him that, in the meantime, his actions are killing any remaining love you have for him and, because of that, you are moving on.

The main purpose of Plan B is to protect yourself from his destructive lifestyle. It allows you to emotionally detach frm the situation so that you can take back control of your life and make sound decisions with a sane mind. With him in your life, you are bogged down in the sick, emotional morass. Plan B eliminates that.

SOMETIMES a side result is that Plan B motivates the WS to make the necessary changes to come back into the marriage. That is not a guarantee, but it does happen.

And a very important thing about Plan B you should know. A WS *HATES* Plan B because it deprives him of the fix you give him. You are probably still meeting some of his needs and he will become ENRAGED when you deprive him of this. He will try anything, short of changing himself of course, to convince you to take him back. For example, he will promise to "wind things down" or to go to counseling "in the future." It is a TRICK to get you back on the plantation. So, be prepared for this to happen, and do not relent until he has convincingly DEMONSTRATED real changes. This is real important, JG!

I think in your case, one of your conditions will have to be, not only a long term demonstration of chastity, but some intensive counseling to find out why he is a serial adulterer. Because until that problem is solved, you will never be safe with him. You will be living like this your entire life otherwise.

Before you go to Plan B, if you decide to do this, I would suggest exposing the situation to all key people in your lives. His dirty little secret needs to be "out there" before you go into Plan B so that he can see himself through the eyes of others. Key people would be his pastor, his parents, your parents, close friends. The worst thing you can do is protect him.

Have you helped him hide all this?

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

OK, you women beat around the bush, so I'll ask the question!!

JG, are you and H having SF? If so, and if he is a serial cheater (means sex is very important to him) then you are fulfilling is #1 need, so why would he get a D from you? With being seperated, you are like one of his GFs!

Sorry to be blunt if I am right. Doubly sorry if I am wrong, but I got a hunch...

Plan A and Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Thank you for your direction on Plan B Melody...I also found the links on the site that outline it...

I will write him my letter today...I've sent similar emails...and of course...still pick up the phone when he calls...this time I need to stick to my guns.

All of the key people know- his parents (they gave him money to help him get an apartment- and they never say "what are you thinking" or admonish/counsel him in anyway)...I do not think his pastor knows...is it my place to tell? I don't attend the church so I just don't know...I think maybe a few of his close friends know...

Betrayed Man- we are not having sex...we haven't for about 10 months....I'm a very sexual person...and as much as I'd like to be convinced that he is not cheating now....I'm sure that he is doing something for sexual release...I never withheld sex from him during our 14 years together- if anything, it was the other way around....I would not have sex with him now...

Thank you guys for your words of insight...this is all new to me, and quite scary....it sucks to be 33 and alone, this time with 3 kids....but when I look at the alternative...the always feeling like "i'm not enough"....I know what I need to do...

Thanks for your strength and prayers!!!
Jeepgirl

JG,

Before you send the letter, will you come here and discuss it with us? Let us give you feedback on the letter. Please let us help you do this right the first time.

And, it will be important that you don't relent and let him contact you. Is there an intermediary that you can designate in case contact needs to be made? Are you finances separated? How will exchange of the kids take place without contact? Because, Plan B means no contact in ANY FORM.

Can he communicate visitation schedules with the kids or is this even an issue?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...this is all new to me, and quite scary....it sucks to be 33 and alone, this time with 3 kids...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have been alone for YEARS, JeepGirl. Except he had control of your life. Now, you will be alone but *YOU* will have control of your life.

It will be tough the first 2 weeks, so please mentally prepare yourself for this. After that, you will start feeling moments of PEACE and CALMNESS that you probably haven't felt in years. Many folks in Plan B, after the initial adjustment, talk about feeling the relief of being removed from the WS' drama.

I will DEFINITELY come here with the letter- and I NEED to write one!!

Events of today...
Didn't go to church- spent the morning alone with the puppy
Call at 2:00 from H...(his weekend with the kids)...he switched vehicles with a friend and ended up with no key to his apartment...so can he come by the house with the kids until the friend gets back in town.
2:00-3:30- sleeps on the couch, eats some sweets and drinks diet coke
3:30-4:30- leaves to switch back vehicles, leaves daughter with me...
4:30- back to the house- brought the boys back from an activity, and now the kids are in with ME while he is washing his car!!!
Asks me why I'm so quiet...am I "lonely and sad?"

GGRRRRRR....And this is HIS weekend with them!

And it's MY FAULT he is here because I don't stand UP for myself and say NO- "No J, I'm sorry but you want a divorce...you don't want me...so I'm not able to have you over today"......

AUGH!!! I need to grow a back bone....

I will lose him while doing Plan B....

I will write the letter TONIGHT and bring it here first before sending it....

THANK you for your support....how did I turn into this weak shell that won't even defend myself? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jeepgirl, you are not weak. If you were weak you wouldn't be doing anything about it.

Let me see if I can rustle up some Plan B letter examples for you to take a look at.

JeepGirl, here is a thread with some Plan B letter examples on it. Please take your time and read the letters. Caren and David both posted theirs, which I think are excellent letters. You should also read FurnitureMans' and check into Spacecase's link which has the letter from Surviving an Affair. Take your time on this and get used to the idea, ok?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037402