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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 378
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Joined: Jun 2004
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Hi All,
H just came to say we should sit down and discuss how we tell the kids, share the kids etc. Asked me if I had thought about it. I answered -not at all. Not exactly true but the thought flls me with dread. Caring for them all alone, being at home with them gone - I can't cope with the thought of either. I just don't think I am strong enough to deal with all of this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!
S
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
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arty,
I am so sorry for you and know how you feel. I dreaded telling our kids and it will haunt me forever. But remember kids are very resilient. Make sure they know you love them and will always love them. Answer their questions but no details of the relationship. Take them to counseling. Be strong.
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
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Arty,
You are strong enough to deal with this. You need to try and change your perspective. You are looking at this in the worst way possible. I know it feels like your world is crashing apart, and in a way it is. But this is also a chance to find happiness again.
Him leaving has got to be better than what you have been dealing with. Look at how it has brought you down and weakened you. A woman should not live with a man who is actively involved in an affair and who is non repentent. It will destroy her, as you are finding out.
Arty, I live alone and I have 50/50 custody so I am without my DD half of the year. And I am happy. You will be happy again too. You really will be.
Hang in there.
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Joined: Sep 2004
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Arty-
This sucks, I agree with you. I remember the 1st time that I dropped my DD off with her Dad, I bawled and cried the ENTIRE way home. It seemed like the death blow to the relationship....it, of course, wasn't....and we're still screwing around with this crap all these months later, and also all these months later, I haven't made my WH miss me at all......I've been his beck and call girl.
I know you hate this, you don't know how many times I've cried and said those exact same words....I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS.
I don't think our WH's appreciate what they have, that their wives love them enough to even consider trying to work on things, when in reality they deserve to lose us.
-Caren
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 168
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Caring for them all alone, being at home with them gone - I can't cope with the thought of either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Caring for kids all alone will never be easy but you will get used to it. Trust me. Not that you are growing extra arms to help you or anything like that, but it will work and when it does, it will make you feel stronger and you will be proud. I know I feel a strenght in me that came out of the instinct of survival and being the only adult in the house to care for the kids. Not easy, I am not lying to you but we have to do it to move on and survive.
The second one is not easy either. I cried lots when I imagine the moment that my husband will take off with a baby that I do not even have in daycare. I cried and cried imagining what would it be like. Last night was the moment of truth and not a tear came out of me when I left the baby with him. Maybe because he was so happy to see daddy that it felt ok and the right thing to do. Just prepare yourself mentally for that. Be strong for the kids. You do not want them to you down. They may feel guilty about going with the other parent.
We are here for you. Vent as much as you want. Good luck! Love
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Just remember.....You ARE strong and you will get through this. As time passes....the pain will get easier to deal with. I can't say that it will go away but it will be less painful and you will do what you have to do for your kids. Hang in there!!!! HUGS
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Joined: Jan 2004
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I know how you feel. Heck, we all know how you feel.
I just want to remind you that you will not feel this way forever. Time passes inexorably, and in time, this will become the past.
There WILL come a point where you will be looking back at this from a much better position, thinking, "Gee, that was a really tough time. I'm glad I got through it."
And yes, kids are extremely resilient. Not that this won't affect them, but they WILL get through it too. If you handle things right, while unpleasant right now, this period of their lives has the potential for great growth of character.
Have faith in yourself. Have faith in your kids. You will all be ok in the end.
dewt
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Joined: Nov 2004
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I am so sorry to hear it's come to this for you. It's probably the one thing I never hope I have to do.
But I have read a little bit about it. Have your ideas firmly in place as far as custody goes. Where they will living, etc. Have this before you tell the kids! They don't like being left in limbo either. Its hard enough on them. You must tell them exactly how their life will be and when. In other words be able to tell them '[mom and dad splitting] - starting the 1st of next month daddy will be living [somewhere] you'll be spending your weekends there with him, during the week you'll be here with me...'
The split will be hard enough for them, but if they know some details of how life will be it will reduce the anxiety for them.
Also I would advise consulting with a professional about child custody issues. Maybe a mediation service or couselor experienced in these matters. My sister did a 50/50 (every other week) thing and it bound her (and him) to live in close proximity until her daughter finished school. You have to live close enough to the school, no moving to be near out of state relitives. This is just one thing to pop into my mind, I'm sure there are many. Someone versed in these things should be able to go over the pros and cons of any arrangement.
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Joined: Jun 2004
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Thanks guys for your thoughts, I called H on the way home from work and explained that I had thought about all the issues regarding the kids but 1. didn't want to tak abut it at 10.30 at night 2. can't find any real solution I am happy with 3. I get so emotional I can barelt breath when the topic comes up. H said he understood but it needs to be discussed and we must try and put kids needs first. I was dying to reply - are you putting the kids needs first -but didn't. He wants us to talk tonight. I may get a friend over to help me through it. Is there somethings I should ask for? Or things I should never say yes to? I have no idea what I want other than not this? Anyone out there been through this talk and have any advice? S
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