WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...

You got to love a man like this!!!!

Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

===================================================
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major
factor in getting your [censored] kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you
tink you kan tpye reel gode.

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you

I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only inTennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

I'm laughing so hard I can hardly type.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

oh goodness pete,

those were funny! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />