My FBS brothers and sisters.

What would you have done differently post-d-day if you could have that time again?

Not before the affair, just back to D-day armed with the knowledge you have now.

I was BLESSED with finding this site very soon after d-day, and I didn't do anything really stupid ( I think) in response to d-day. however, in hindsight I think I would have done the following differently.

* I would have been less desperate for Squid to stay with me in the early days. I was a bit door-maty and pathetic for a few days after d-day and I think this gave a sense of righteous confidence to Squid and OM that they really shouldn't have.

I would have given Squid that firm " well, you can leave if you want to. I'll miss you and so will the kids, but I won't shackle you. However if youw ant to stay, you must agree to never contact OM again" talk as soon after d-day as I was compos-mentis.

* I would have exposed to OM GF on D-Day. Within seconds of finding out. Oddly I almost did the telephone is on OM GFs side of the bed, but OM shot across the bed to pick up the phone when I called him on D-day morning. I would have driven to their house and exposed face to face. I squirm now when I think how I vascillated for DAYS before exposing.

* I would have told her karate club head about her affair. He may have applied pressure to stop her attending tournaments last August when she HOPED to se OM , but she didn't because he feared to meet me at them.

* I would NOT have told Squids girlriend about her A. It just caused excitement and gossip and was absolutely zero use to stopping the affair.

* I would have cancelled her mobile phone on D-day and closed all access to my accounts so she would have had to ask me for money or leave. She bought a new mobile phone just to talk to OM with MY money. Eventually she gave me all that stuff though.

Theres a theme to this - I'd've been a litle tougher and more righteous in the early days and saved my negotiation for withdrawal and afterwards.

To be honest though the folks here guided me almost perfectly through a textbox infidelity ! I was very very blessed.

Have any other BS or FBS got any lessons they learned they would like to pass on to our brothers and sisters ?

This is an interesting post....I found MB on Dday and I am so glad that I did. I am going to respond to question in another way.

Things that I am glad that I did....

*Learned about Plan A and followed the guidelines...it helped to teach me a new way and not give into my feelings of human nature...confrontative, defensive.

*Held onto Plan A as long as I could before going to Plan B.

*Had IC and came to the board to vent...thanks you guys.

*Worked on me....repeating...worked on me.

*Exposed to and got the support of friends (FWH does not have any family or work.) They kept telling him what a good person I was and how much I loved him...they told me they kept hoping he would wake up and luckily he did.

*Sent copy of Plan B letter to OW. This really shocked the both of them, but it truly stated my position...I care about my husband, but will not be in the chaos anymore.

*Went to Plan B and did not support him financially...it was a real eye-opener for FWH.

*Went to Plan B #2 when NC was not followed a month later. We were on a trip, and I flew home the instant I discovered it. Then I went as dark as I could....he kept calling and was stalking me.

*Learned and learning everyday how to MB for Life. Don't feel love for FWH yet...but M has better chance of survival than ever.

Thanks, BP, for the interesting post. God bless you and Squid.

Good idea Bob. Well I didn't find this site until 2 months after D-day. By that time, I had thrown WH out (on D-day), and had lots of angry outbursts.

Then I did a long Plan A, and a half Plan B. No wonder my marriage was not saved! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I think I actually handled myself pretty well on/after d-day. I didn't really follow plan A except to say there absolutely must be NC. And that he needed to write her and tell her, and then let me see the email, and any replies that she might send. She did reply, even though he told her not to. I also said, if he even calls/writes to her again, I will leave. I refused to do the good wife thing, or be the best partner you can me part of Plan A, b/c if he didn't want me the way that I am, the he could leave.
However, the thing that I would change the most, is that I would have contacted the OW and the OW's fiance. I repsected my H's wish not to do that, even though I shouldn't have. She ended up contacting me first, to apologize(like you can say I'm sorry for going after another woman's H). I REALLY wish I could have found out her address, so that I could have contacted the fiance. I still feel like he deserved to know, and I know she got away with it, and is doing it with someone else now(although supposably she was going to break it off with the fiance).
I also would have gotten into counseling earlier.
I would have not told my parents, his parents, or any of our friends. There is too much hate there now, and I am very uncomfortable with my own family. It is hard for me to even see them, b/c I can sense their hate.

Hi Bob:

Great question and one I've considered often. Had studied MB years before D-day; but never about infidelity - only about how to improve M. I should have been paying attention to infidelity section as WXW had A and we are now D. However; I can honestly say that in my case; I do not think it would have mattered. WXW has quite a history of emotional "issues" and it's highly doubtful that MB-pronciples would have made a difference!

FR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob: Good post!

I think I've done most things so that I have no regrets. If there's one, it's the time in December when OM's W called me about the wave. Guess, I wish that I hadn't posted on here about it.

As for confronting OM, I'm not sure what I might have done differently. When I confronted him, he never saw the g**, he knew I was serious as the next day he had his rifle standing next to the door. He was still pretty bold, not sure if an a** kicking might not have been called for on day one.

I wanted to add that I found MB on dday but I didn't find the discussion boards until 3-4 weeks later. I ordered the books fairly quickly and about a week after dday a friend committed suicide, that's when I called for help (IC and shortly after MC).

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

The very first time I found out WH had an affair, even though it was a one-night-stand on a business trip, by the time I found out about it there was no affair going on, I should have required that he attend MC or else I should have filed for divorce.

With this last affair, I wasn't able to confirm there was an affair until he'd been acting strange and angry for about two years, separated for about a year. What I should have done differently when he started acting angry and crash dieting is pushed more for MC and a really good Plan A.

When he got violent we separated and I got a restraining order. Sort of did a Plan B for about a year (hadn't heard of MB yet). I told him in order for me to stop the restraining order and allow him back home he needed to go to anger management counseling and MC. But without doing a Plan A first, he just used the separation as an excuse to 'start' affair (I doubt seriously it was in that order though...)

I found MB shortly before finding out for sure there was an OW. So I started a Plan A then.
I didn't knwo who OW was yet but I did expose to pretty much everyone that there was an OW. (Freinds had seen WH and OW out in public together. I should have done less contacting WH, less LB'ing and less relationship talk in Plan A. But it was an adequate Plan A in that it caused LOTS of problems between WH and OW and made WH very undecided.

When I discovered who OW was, I exposed to some the few relatives of hers I could find contact info for, emphasizing fact that WH had several OW in past. I also contacted the OW a few times and told her she was OW # 7 and that WH had agreed to delay the divorce another year because he wanted to continue seeing me and I had said no way once the divorce was final. Meanwhile I continued Plan A. But I was still contacting WH, LB'ing, and bringing up relationship sometimes.

When I went to Plan B I broke it too often so WH didn't take me seriously. Sometimes I broke it by contacting him. Other times he'd lie and say he was ready to meet all the conditions for recovery and wanted to meet to talk about it.

I let him come home for a week Christmas 2003 - BIG MISTAKE. It only lasted 6 days and he went back to OW even though I did not LB at all. I found out he had told both his mother and OW that I had forced him to come home or else I supposedly wouldn't let him talk to our daughters! He had begged me not to make him send the no contact letter to the OW, saying it was over, she would probably call the police if he contacted her again, and it would just embarrass him to have to do it... At first I refused to negotiate - I even said I was afraid he might tell others I somehow coerced him to come home and that I needed assurance that reconciliation was what he really wanted. But because two of our daughters wanted him to come home and Christmas was only in a couple of days away... I relented and trusted his PROMISE

Well I would've found this site for SURE and put it to work immediately. I did EVERYTHING wrong and I'm paying for it now. I FIRMLY and 100% believe that if I had found MB straight off and put it into practice right away, that I would be in recovery right now instead of wondering if I'm going to be able to stay in my apartment come June.

-I started walking on eggshells, allowed my boundaries to degrade even further and became a doormat. Instead of making things happen, I allowed things to happen to me.
**Different**
I would clearly state that contact was NOT acceptable regardless of the state of their relationship. I would tell him that I would not "snoop", but would unannounced want to see his email at WORK. I would've exposed.

-I blamed him for everything wrong in our marriage when I didn't even know what was wrong. I accepted his explanation of "something missing" with us as valid. I did not take any responsibility for my part in the bad marriage, EXCEPT that I just wasn't good enough for him.
**Different**
I would've examine what the REAL issues were. I would not have accepted "I've been unhappy for a long time."

-I became even more depressed and unhappy than I already was and allowed myself to wallow in it. I did not take a good look at MYSELF to see how this affected both me and my family

**Different**
I would've have just admitted I was depressed and unhappy and not felt it was too "melodramatic" to feel that way. While I'm not sure what counseling help I could've gotten, I could've at least talked regularly with the Chaplin on base.

-As things improved (they *did* improve after D-Day, but extremely slowly), I would relax and fall back into old patterns. I took everything my husband said at face value.

**Different**
I would've stayed vigilant and would've paid closer attention to OVERALL actions

-When my h told me, one year after D-Day, that he did want to go ahead with the divorce there was still 4-5 months before I was to actually leave Puerto Rico. Instead of doing EVERYTHING I could to avoid leaving, I accepted things or put up only meak protest.

**Different**
I would've really laid it on thick once he said he wanted the divorce. I would've quit the R talks and made myself indispensable and missable. As it stands, he was probably relieved to see me go.

I really wish I had found MB back then as I'm positive things would be different now. I don't like to think about this very much because things do NOT have to be the way they are right now and I'm very very sorry about how I handled things. I do not regret anything I've done since I found MB, but I regret EVERYTHING before that.

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Edited because I got way OT.
Moved question to a new thread.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I haven't posted my story here, but on another site (Loveshack) if anyone is interested. Same nom d'plume. Basically, my wife had a 2-3 month online EA...when it was discovered by me, they made arrangements for her to go live with him, although they'd never met face to face. In fact,she had only one digital pic of him, and once she got out of the fog, realized she had no idea how old that pic might have been. She moved out for a week into a motel pending the plane...the day she was supposed to fly, I went to her motel room and we talked. He called, could tell she was waffling, and told her to stay.

I didn't discover any of the online support sites until about 5 months after d-day, when I was mostly looking for help for dealing with my own emotions and issues after the affair. But, without knowing much about Plan A, I still managed a pretty decent one.

Things I did RIGHT:

1. Insisted that NC happen. Checked and verified when it didn't stick, and stuck to my guns about it. It took a month and a half (even after we began to reconcile), but it stuck. (she was very insistent about keeping him as "just friends"...LOL)

2. After the initial anger and hurt faded, I did a good job in helping her deal with the withdrawl. We began an in-house seperation that lasted about 3 weeks. I gave her the space she needed to deal with the withdrawl, and was there for her as best as I could be for it. It hurt me like hell, but it showed her how much I cared for her too.

3. Convinced her to do MC, even if we decided to get a D. She didn't know what she wanted, and a D was an option. But, MC actually helped us a lot in sorting through things.

4. Managed to stay pretty calm and reasonable for the most part. Did a good job at drawing lines where I would NOT let her cross.

5. We both started looking at our EN's and what we needed to do to fix our marriage. We've done a good job on dealing with that so far, and will keep working on it.

6. I exposed (unwittingly...needed some emotional support, and figured what the hell would it matter...they were all gonna hear about it anyway) to my family and our friends. No way to expose anything with OM...even my wife had limited info on him.

7. Exposure to her sister was one of the best things I did. It DID start to open her eyes to what she was doing, and it gave her someone she could talk to when we began to reconcile. And her and her sister have been closer ever since.

Things that could have been done better:

1. I should have been MORE nosy about what was going on, and should have taken stronger steps to end it BEFORE I had the proof.

2. I should NOT have driven off to cool down right after I confronted her with the log files. That gave him the chance to buy the tickets and set up her moving out of the house.

3. When I seriously knew there was something wrong, but didn't have proof, I should NOT have gotten as cold as I did. She took that as a sign that our marriage really was over.

4. I should have kept my head better when she told me he bought her plane tickets. The damage I did to our backyard is STILL being repaired.

5. I did become something of a doormat. And I'm still dealing with my own pain over all of this. I've lost a lot of self-respect, and self-esteem. I would have looked a little harder (and am now) for ways to work through my own issues concerning the affair.

6. I should have installed a keylogger sooner...either when I first started to worry about what was going on, or at least immediately after she came home after D-Day.

I haven't posted my story here, but on another site (Loveshack) if anyone is interested. Same nom d'plume. Basically, my wife had a 2-3 month online EA...when it was discovered by me, they made arrangements for her to go live with him, although they'd never met face to face. In fact,she had only one digital pic of him, and once she got out of the fog, realized she had no idea how old that pic might have been. She moved out for a week into a motel pending the plane...the day she was supposed to fly, I went to her motel room and we talked. He called, could tell she was waffling, and told her to stay.

I didn't discover any of the online support sites until about 5 months after d-day, when I was mostly looking for help for dealing with my own emotions and issues after the affair. But, without knowing much about Plan A, I still managed a pretty decent one.

Things I did RIGHT:

1. Insisted that NC happen. Checked and verified when it didn't stick, and stuck to my guns about it. It took a month and a half (even after we began to reconcile), but it stuck. (she was very insistent about keeping him as "just friends"...LOL)

2. After the initial anger and hurt faded, I did a good job in helping her deal with the withdrawl. We began an in-house seperation that lasted about 3 weeks. I gave her the space she needed to deal with the withdrawl, and was there for her as best as I could be for it. It hurt me like hell, but it showed her how much I cared for her too.

3. Convinced her to do MC, even if we decided to get a D. She didn't know what she wanted, and a D was an option. But, MC actually helped us a lot in sorting through things.

4. Managed to stay pretty calm and reasonable for the most part. Did a good job at drawing lines where I would NOT let her cross.

5. We both started looking at our EN's and what we needed to do to fix our marriage. We've done a good job on dealing with that so far, and will keep working on it.

6. I exposed (unwittingly...needed some emotional support, and figured what the hell would it matter...they were all gonna hear about it anyway) to my family and our friends. No way to expose anything with OM...even my wife had limited info on him.

7. Exposure to her sister was one of the best things I did. It DID start to open her eyes to what she was doing, and it gave her someone she could talk to when we began to reconcile. And her and her sister have been closer ever since.

Things that could have been done better:

1. I should have been MORE nosy about what was going on, and should have taken stronger steps to end it BEFORE I had the proof.

2. I should NOT have driven off to cool down right after I confronted her with the log files. That gave him the chance to buy the tickets and set up her moving out of the house.

3. When I seriously knew there was something wrong, but didn't have proof, I should NOT have gotten as cold as I did. She took that as a sign that our marriage really was over.

4. I should have kept my head better when she told me he bought her plane tickets. The damage I did to our backyard is STILL being repaired.

5. I did become something of a doormat. And I'm still dealing with my own pain over all of this. I've lost a lot of self-respect, and self-esteem. I would have looked a little harder (and am now) for ways to work through my own issues concerning the affair.

6. I should have installed a keylogger sooner...either when I first started to worry about what was going on, or at least immediately after she came home after D-Day.

I haven't posted my story here, but on another site (Loveshack) if anyone is interested. Same nom d'plume. Basically, my wife had a 2-3 month online EA...when it was discovered by me, they made arrangements for her to go live with him, although they'd never met face to face. In fact,she had only one digital pic of him, and once she got out of the fog, realized she had no idea how old that pic might have been. She moved out for a week into a motel pending the plane...the day she was supposed to fly, I went to her motel room and we talked. He called, could tell she was waffling, and told her to stay.

I didn't discover any of the online support sites until about 5 months after d-day, when I was mostly looking for help for dealing with my own emotions and issues after the affair. But, without knowing much about Plan A, I still managed a pretty decent one.

Things I did RIGHT:

1. Insisted that NC happen. Checked and verified when it didn't stick, and stuck to my guns about it. It took a month and a half (even after we began to reconcile), but it stuck. (she was very insistent about keeping him as "just friends"...LOL)

2. After the initial anger and hurt faded, I did a good job in helping her deal with the withdrawl. We began an in-house seperation that lasted about 3 weeks. I gave her the space she needed to deal with the withdrawl, and was there for her as best as I could be for it. It hurt me like hell, but it showed her how much I cared for her too.

3. Convinced her to do MC, even if we decided to get a D. She didn't know what she wanted, and a D was an option. But, MC actually helped us a lot in sorting through things.

4. Managed to stay pretty calm and reasonable for the most part. Did a good job at drawing lines where I would NOT let her cross.

5. We both started looking at our EN's and what we needed to do to fix our marriage. We've done a good job on dealing with that so far, and will keep working on it.

6. I exposed (unwittingly...needed some emotional support, and figured what the hell would it matter...they were all gonna hear about it anyway) to my family and our friends. No way to expose anything with OM...even my wife had limited info on him.

7. Exposure to her sister was one of the best things I did. It DID start to open her eyes to what she was doing, and it gave her someone she could talk to when we began to reconcile. And her and her sister have been closer ever since.

Things that could have been done better:

1. I should have been MORE nosy about what was going on, and should have taken stronger steps to end it BEFORE I had the proof.

2. I should NOT have driven off to cool down right after I confronted her with the log files. That gave him the chance to buy the tickets and set up her moving out of the house.

3. When I seriously knew there was something wrong, but didn't have proof, I should NOT have gotten as cold as I did. She took that as a sign that our marriage really was over.

4. I should have kept my head better when she told me he bought her plane tickets. The damage I did to our backyard is STILL being repaired.

5. I did become something of a doormat. And I'm still dealing with my own pain over all of this. I've lost a lot of self-respect, and self-esteem. I would have looked a little harder (and am now) for ways to work through my own issues concerning the affair.

6. I should have installed a keylogger sooner...either when I first started to worry about what was going on, or at least immediately after she came home after D-Day.

Bob,

My turn for the retrospectoscope( a little medical humor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I would have done three things.

1. I would not have crushed my ring and left it in her possession

2. I would exposed, exposed and oh yeah I would have exposed.

3. I would have exposed

edited to add, I am not a FBS . I am still a BS

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Cymanca. I wanted to write this a while back but it seemed needless.

When faith1 posted your picture on the M photo thread, Squid was in a motel with OM for the first time, according to the time/datestamp on it.

Triggers ? I SH*T triggers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good feedback BTW. I hoped this thread might attract such.

Bob,

I am so sorry anything about me can trigger you. I will be more than willing to have my pic pulled.

I am trying to live vicariously thru your recovery. Anything that I can do to help, will be done, no questions asked.

My D-day is bizzare...

It was 5 years since her affair ended and 1 year since our DIVORCE!!!

I wish I found MB BEFORE my divorce. More than one could know. Many of her behaviors over time indicated a shame for her actions, her anger was immense. We ignored it and did not communicate. We simply drifted further and further apart....

We divorced because she demanded it through the courts. I was just on a ride. Then as I look at it...from new MB eyes I went dark...I planned B after months of depression and still begging after my divorce was final!! So..she began to notice me...and within time...started reconciling..

But "coming clean" was going to part of any reconciliation....and she did...So that was D-day.

I would have insisted on radical honesty about it.

I would not have Love Busted at all

I would have asked all questions at once

I would have been true to myself and stopped the reconciliation for lies about her affair.


GREAT thread....many here are an inspiration to me. My struggle now is posted in Fraggles "will we ever know the whole truth" thread....I welcome comments there...

Bob:

What would I have done differently?

Well, this isn't a realistic 2uestion, just like "would you have married your WS if you knew what you know now?" isn't a realistic 2uestion.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have let my W leave when she offered 2 during our "talk" about my discovering her emails 2 and from RM. Because, if I knew then what I know now, I would know that after more than 3 years, I still wouldn't have closure on her A. I think I can honestly say that I won't do this for another 3 years from now.

But that's evading your 2uestion. I would have exposed and confronted a LOT sooner and wider than I did after d-day. Probably would have been the most effective thing I could have done. But I bet it wouldn't have ended the A at the time. It would have helped my W out of the fog, even2ally.

I would have continued working with SH (I only had one session with him, and the timing wasn't "right" for me 2 continue - I thought we were "finished" then).

-ol' 2long

Hiya 2L !

I think it IS a realistic question, in the context of a post-project review of the immediate recovery actions.

I agree the kind of question " would you have Married your W knowing what you know now" is specious, but " how do you think you could have been more effective in the post affair recovery knowing how its turned out so far" is quite viable and useful IMO. Could be wrong of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was SO lucky to have been laid so low I just desperately did what I was told by people on here who knew what they were about and SH in his books. If i'd thought about it or emoted too much things may have been very different.

In truth, for whetever reason, I wouldn't have change dmuch in my response, as the outcome was pretty much the best I could possibly have prayed for.

I'll admit to surprise that I don't see many more MB template recoveries around here. Maybe my sitch was so close to Harley's template that his tools worked better for me than other folks with more complicated situations. I dunno.

Great sig BTW. One of my fave songs from my fave band.

Quick question,

Would you have contacted the other person (in a non threatening way)?

Thanks.