I did contact OM is quite a threatening way. A couple of times.

He lied to me. His every word was a lie. Absolutely no point in my contacting him other than making it very clear I would do ANYTHING needed to keep my family safe from harm.

Great question Bob

Several of my responses are similar to yours

*I would have told OM's wife immediately after discovering that the "friendship" was at least a EA. It was also a PA of two "soulmates" Gag we w/ a spoon

*I would have told her in person instead via the phone. She didn't believe me at first once OM had a chance to do his song and dance. Maybe if she'd seen the anguish on my face she had believed. I would have brought evidence..cell bills and recording of "I love yous."

*I wouldn't have told wife where I got my info.

*I wouldn't have told her mother nor mine since she ended affair almost immediately.

*I would have not told her to tell her best friend the "reason" for my behavior. The friend knew that I was suspicious of an A and thought I was loopy. 2 years later I feel very uncomfortable around this lady. Just too humiliating.

*I would have suggested MC and IC earlier

*I would have done phone counseling with Harley instead of local MCs. She didn't want to do it over the phone.

*I (this won't fall w/in MB guidelines) would have confronted OM. To this day I still feel as though that is unfinished business. Enough time has gone by to make it difficult now.

* I would have set complete disclosure as a condition of recovery.

Mac

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

I would've bought him a SuperSized box of condoms and a book that explained how babies are made...

:::::and a book that explained how babies are made...

Geez, there weren't pictures were there????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

an

wow, what a great question. I have wondered this myself.

1. I would have not been so needy those first couple weeks after D day. Found out later he did not really like that neediness. I think he felt he didn't have a choice but to hold me and sit by me and be nice etc.
He was good about relaying his whereabouts, but I know now that it didn't really matter anyway, as he was contacting her just as often as he was before D-day. He was just hiding it better. FOG. FOG. FOG, on my part. Big time. Of course I assumed he'd quit seeing her after D-day, as I was his wife!! She was just the OW. wrong !!


I found this site about 5 days after D-day. Thank GOD!! Otherwise this marriage would've taken a totally different turn. I would not have let him stay here. I did pack his things actually, before I fully learned about the MB concept.
We (he) also told the kids he was moving out.
That was pure hell on all of us. So many tears were shed.

2. I would have insisted on NC sooner. It took 2 1/2 months before he committed to NC. I'm still not sure if there is really NC but I have chosen to believe him and give our marriage the chance it deserves.

3. I would not have wasted so much time on IC. My IC was really not pro marriage, as she told me outright that I should've have left him years ago.

4. I would have contacted OW's BF right away. She told me she told him, but I'm not so sure she did.

5. Would have insisted on NC letter. Since it has been a few weeks since he promised NC, I don't feel I can go back and ask him to send one now.

6. Had a lot of SF after D-day. I don't actually regret this but it was every morning and every night. I wanted to but shouldn't have. I was just too needy at the time. He wasn't, I'm sure but took it all in.

7. Thought about having my own affair. Did that with ex husband #1. Wasn't the best thing to do, as I actually fell in love with the guy. Dumbest thing I ever did. Have kids with FWH #2 and having my own affair probably would not be a good thing.
Funny, lost 30 lbs on this "infidelity diet". Lots of guys at work take a second look that never did before. They talk to me now and show a whole new interest. Tempting, but hopefully I will know better if it comes to that. I know that would not be the best thing for recovery. I have not worn my wedding ring since D-day so these guys wouldn't know that I'm married. I've seen a couple of them check my left hand.
I truly want to love my FWH with all my heart and get past this.
At first I was really having a hard time not wearing my wedding ring. I love my ring and I miss it very much. My wedding vows were broken though and unless they are "renewed" somehow, I don't think I will ever be able to wear it again.
Legally, I am married but in my heart, I am not.
The love he pledged 12 years ago really means nothing now. Unless he pledges it again during our recovery. Don't see that happening though, unfortunately. My FWS is not one to show feelings. Things are slowly going back the way they were before the A.
His anger is coming back and the kids feel it. Our son has told me so
It always happens this way. A few months of good and then back to the way it was. Always the rollercoaster.
I've learned this time though, I hope. Sorry to ramble. There are just so many things I'd have done differently. The outcome would've probably been the same though.

I keep thinking about what I would have done differently since I saw this thread.

I don't know that I would have done a whole lot differently, I got through it in one piece and I am a lot better person now. I credit that to my time reading and interacting on MB though, more than to what I went through.

After I found out my fiance was already married and then broke up with him, I was filled with rage, born of absolute devestation, confusion and disbelief.

I did let him live with me after he came back divorced but what I went through in the subsequent two years was the worst years I have ever spent. And I have spent some pretty bad years.

If I could change anything about that it would be that I would have understood my contribution to the hell we lived in by learning and understanding, instead of the constant cycles of LB'g and DJ'g, which did me just as much harm as him. Words are very powerfully destructive to both the receiver and the speaker of them.

If I had MB and contact with people like whom are on here when I was in my early twenties, I think I would have had boundaries and would have avoided much of the pain I put myself through with my disastrous relationships.

Boundaries I guess then are what I was lacking. So important, but so hard for someone to understand even the concept of, if they have never had them or been taught the importance and direct influence they have on ones life.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Good topic, Bob.

Here's my long winded answer, with hopes it may help somebody else avoid my mistakes:

I would have done a few things differently because I made some poor decisions. Note: I didn’t discover MB until 3 months after d-day, by which time we were already separated. Had I had the wisdom of this forum earlier, I might not have made these blunders.

My first blunder was giving my WS the benefit of the doubt by believing her reasons for why we “needed” to separate. Coincidently, OM “needed” to separate from his family at the same time. She convinced me that separation was needed “because we weren’t getting along” and that it would be best for our son NOT to see his parents in constant turmoil. In classic BS style, I was so shell shocked and paralyzed by everything that was happening that I lost some ability to be decisive. This woman was looking me right in the eye and making passionate arguments. I’d trusted her for nearly 20 years already - maybe she was right? Reluctantly, I went along with the separation plans. (In a moment of clarity, I retracted an earlier offer for me to move out. This was the SMARTEST thing I did.)

All the while she was emphatically denying an affair with her best friend’s husband, neighbor, and pallbearer of our deceased son. I was in denial as well, despite having caught them kissing in the airport. Wow, was I screwed up! “I’m NOT having an affair with [OM]!!! I’m IN LOVE with [OM] - what part of that DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND??????” I knew dern well they were in an affair - I also knew dern well that neither one of them were this crazy. This couldn’t be happening. The only rational explanation was an alien abduction..........

As the “agreed” upon date for separation approached, we agreed on a time and place to break the news to our then 12 year old son. I refused to participate in explaining the reason - this was her idea so it was her job - but I also agreed to not disagree with her planned rationale: that “Mom and Dad aren’t happy with each other at the moment and it’s in everyone’s best interest that we have a ‘trial’ separation.”

This was my biggest mistake that I regret to this day - not revealing the truth to our son. Going along with her explanation. She reasoned - in classic WS style - that what she was saying WAS the truth. We WEREN’T happy with each other. My son’s response: “I think you’re both crazy.” He then stormed out of the house. My WS thought she had done a good job. Like a fool, I remained pretty much silent and paralyzed, full of self doubt.

In hindsight, I believe I should have then and there given my side of the story to my son - that the separation was entirely Mom’s idea and that I didn’t agree with it - right in front of her. I’m not saying I should have detailed the affair to him at that moment - I’m undecided on that to this day (although I eventually offered that explanation, and he rejects it). What I mean is that I should have made it clear that the separation was ENTIRELY his Mom’s choice and that MY choice was to resolve our “unhappiness” and keep the family together. Period. It had been a year to the month since we lost his younger brother and further turmoil was not good for anyone. The result of what I didn’t do right back then is that my son today clings to the reason for the breakup of his family as being the inability of his parents to resolve their “unhappiness,” OM’s wife was “crazy” but that there was no affair. I was a “bad husband” and his Mom was unhappy. (I am convinced that someday he will figure it all out.) I fully understand that I own part of the poor marital environment that enabled my WS’s rationalizations - but I wish he better understood back then that the roadblock to healing was totally his Mom’s choice. Our family and marriage were worthatry.

The other big mistake I made was buying in too much to my WS’s pleas to NOT discuss things with OM’s wife. I did anyway - she was the one who alerted me to what was happening. But I was too timid to take it very far. I also bought in to my WS’s pleas to “stay out of their business.” <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Wow. She had me SOOOOOO hoodwinked. In my defense, OM’s wife became a stark raving lunatic (hence my son’s “crazy” description of her) and it was probably better for me to distance myself from her actions - not Plan A at all, even though I didn’t know what Plan A was then. But I also distanced myself from OM and I should have confronted him much earlier than I eventually did. By the time I did, he was extremely belligerent to me, on HIS high horse - citing how bad a person I was to “hide” money that could have otherwise been used for our dying son’s care. (I don't have to deny that here.)

So, I suffered from the same errors I see described here everyday by newbie BSs. Maybe this is why I am now so emphatic about truth and exposure and alien abductions when advising them.

Edited to add: And I Plan A'd WAY too long - A full year. This was based on the reasonable suspicion that her affair was directly related to the loss of our son (and my ability to recognize her unresolved grief) and the consensus view by all who knew us that OM was a total, complete piece of deficant that could not hold her attention for too long. Too late now.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hi,

I pretty much have no regrets about how I've acted since DDay. I did what I had to do. I maybe got a bit carried away with exposure and sometimes I wonder whether I should have tried harder to save things.

I didn't feel it was my responsibility to reconcile. She was the one who screwed up so she should make the effort. No effort, no reconcile. Seemed as simple as that to me. Not very MB, but its the way I saw things. For me DDay was the start of the end.

I do have plenty regrets about things that happened prior to DDay though. That's when I think the difference really could have been made. But that could be a whole separate thread...

Miker

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

Gosh, reviewing my actions since d-day. I wish I'd been able to control my rage, which would burst out periodically and unexpectedly during triggers, in the three months between d-day and WH's departure. He didn't want to deal with it. Typical alien.

We were in a recovery for a month or so, false recovery after that. I don't think anything I would have done would have stopped him recontacting OW. He's a weak-willed man.

I used to wish I'd done a longer Plan A. I've since found out on this board that Plan A is not needed when there is a prior sexual addiction. That is, the M was not the problem -- so Plan A was not the solution. Kicking him out -- firmly, but unequivocally -- wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Here's something I wish I'd done: I do wish I'd sent a PBL then, and not some months later. We had a virtual Plan B in the interim -- but I had to be bullied and cajoled by this board into doing a formal PBL -- I should have done it when he moved out.