I was reading an article recently, about betrayed men vs. betrayed women. The article suggested that BH's take infidelity 50% worse than a BW. It also suggested that it takes up to 2 years longer for a man to get over his wifes infidelity,(the pain, hurt and anger), and that men hold grudges much longer. Also, it suggests that woman feel more 'hurt' where a man feels more 'anger'.

Any opinions????

Wow, that's interesting! Where did you read this?

NOW

I read it in a medical magazine at my Drs office. I'm trying to find the name of the magazine online right now. Hopefully I can find it and the article, and I'll post it. It was VERY interesting.

S&I,

I don't KNOW for a fact that the stats you mentioned are right, but I can guess that they might be. Here is why from my point of view.

It is somewhat about what men until just recently NEVER know. They NEVER knew if the child was theirs or not, until DNA testing came along. So traditionally faithfulness was deeply entwined with reproduction for men. Women KNOW who the mother of their child is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Next, if you go back far enough women were considered to be men's property. Sounds laughable today doesn't it? However, with that "gift" came the reponsibility that a man keep his W happy. A woman that had an affair was stating to the world she was NOT happy with her H, guess where that implication was most focused?? In the bedroom, right?

Finally, men are more competitive than women on average, and the W having the affair means another man "won".

All of the items just listed go to the very core of how men define themselves.

Couple that with men NOT having the support groups that women have, and you could easily conjecture that men would have a harder time dealing with A's on the average.

The only problem I have with those types of surveys is that somehow it suggests that someone is NOT hurt badly by an A. When in fact any time on this site shows the pain is very deep on the part of both males and females.

I look forward to seeing if you can find that article.

JL

Very nicely put JL. I always knew, instinctively, that a man would probably take this happening to them differently. I won't say better or worse, just much differently. I am sure that the pain is equally intense regardless of sex.

-Caren

Caren,

Yes, you are right this is not so much about pain, but the aftermath with regards to self-image and uncertainty. Given that what I stated earlier has validity, the self-image issue with men would be deeper.

There are other things that might make this so, and that has to do with traditionaly roles of males and females in regards to emotional support rather than financial support.

Oh, heck with a little imagination one could make this too complex to figure out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will say that for the most part most of us guys live in a world "outside" of our emotions. An A puts everyone into a world of emotions, and men have a hard talking about them in the best of circumstances, so it is likely that we would take longer to work through this essentially "by ourselves." Women for the most part would not do this "by themselves". They would enlist the help of friends. So all else being equal, the "self-help" vs. the "outside help" would suggest a longer recovery time for men than women.

Just conjectures but I do think this study might have some validity. Of course when you talk about studies such as these one should really carefully read the methodology and the means for securing the information and doing the statistics. Many of these types of studies are just AWFUL with regard to how these data were collected and then handled statistically. I mean just awful.

JL

I felt enormous anger for my W's first EA. It took five years to recover from that one. Her second EA made me hurt more then anything. I have nervous breakdowns now. I feel like I'm worthless. I understand how and why it happened. I was only home for six months in the last two years and I'll be gone for another year.

Nothing she does can comfort me now. I have no idea if I will ever recover or trust her again. We might go through life with me just living with it. What a depressing thought that is. I'm just trying to be her friend now. I hope we can get along but I fear once we are together I won't be able to hide my feeling of pain that I go through every day.

I feel for you RHM. I know exactly what you mean. One or two times .. the intensity of the pain is the same.

I know from my experience that the expectations from us blokes (men) is different to that of women in dealing with it.

For instance; I was not allowed to cry .. I was told by my fairly oldish parents .. to stand up and be a man !! Stand up and be counted !! Focus !! Men don't cry !! Men don't feel ..!!

Everytime I get this overwhelming pain and look for comfort or start to cry .. my mother kicks me and says those words!! I hate those damn words!! I guess they tried the soft apparoach and then reverted to kicking my [censored] so that I did not nose dive into oblivion!! I think it worked .. but I still do nose dive every now and then.

I don't know what was worse ..I felt like my WW had even succeeeded in turning my parents, family, friends against me and look at me with disgust.

There was definitely less support from people and my male pride, sexuality, has been hurt.. maybe it's just the Black Widow syndrome .. eat the amle after he has mated .. sure as hell felt likee it for me .. 20 day baby out .. OM in!!

I still havent found that article (or the magazine for that matter) I have another appt. in 2 weeks. I hope it's still on the coffee table in the waiting room.

Thanks to all who have replied..

Anymore comments out there????

I must actually be a man, then.