I'm not sure how to start this...I guess at the beginning, and if you can bear to read that much let me please thank you in advance. My significant other and I have been together for almost 8 years...We were married in '99, married for 4 years, and then divorced in August of '03. We got back together in May of '04, and have been trying to work things out ever since. We were very young when we married (I was 16, he was 18) and so it was pretty difficult to not only be growing up but to me married and struggling through that. A LOT of mistakes were made on both of our parts. He became emotionally and eventually physically abusive and I became defensive and emotionally abusive back...It was definitely two-sided. Things got pretty bad and one night after a particularly bad fight while we were camping in our rv (he pulled me out of the rv by my hair and then left in our car) I made the biggest mistake of our relationship and I had a one-night stand with his friend. I felt horrible about this and made another huge mistake by not confessing, I literally feared for my life. We divorced a few months after this (he was the one who wanted to and sort of "forced" me into going along with it) (at this point he still did not know about it). We moved from another state to live with my parents. Shortly after we moved there he took an interest in my older sister who also lives at home...This was very difficult for me but I tried to keep my emotions at bay, eventually I decided to quit wishing for something it seemed I could never have and try to move on. I began chatting online with a friend I had made at my work before we moved, and even though it never really went past friendship I think that feelings were developing there. It was shortly after we started talking a lot that he approached me much to my surprise and asked me to get back together. I was very hesitant at first, especially since it seemed it was more about not wanting me to move on than really loving me and wanting me to be a part of his life...But he persisted and I do believe that he loved, and still loves, me and I knew that I still loved him so I agreed. I also decided that I needed to come clean about my mistake if we were to have any chance of really making this work...I told him before I told him I'd get back with him because I wanted him to have the option of changing his mind, which I felt like he might do, and had the right to decide for himself. He took it pretty well at first, and as time went on I could see that there was a lot of resentment there, understandably. We found out about dr. harley and started working through love busters...As we were going through the honesty part I realized how much I had been lacking there, by witholding things and not being honest about my feelings and committed to do a better job. The only "circumstance" I could think of that I had never told him about had happened years ago...Before we were married he had moved out of state to go live with his mom again and while he was there he had some legal problems and ended up leaving the state to go live with an older woman he had met on the internet, he had an affair with her and lived with her for almost a month...He lied about it at first but eventually came clean before he decided to come back and live with me...I was fairly devastated after I found out and I don't know why, revenge or desperation I had an encounter of my own, We didn't end up going all the way thankfully but I was scared that if I told him he would leave me again...So I kept that secret for years, and almost forgot completely about it. Then I knew I had to expose the skeletons in my closet and I told him this last August...I can understand his upset, it has just seemed that ever since then he doesn't believe anything I say...He is convinced there is more to tell, which I can understand, but there truly isn't so I don't know what to do. He constantly thinks I am looking for someone else and if I even call a waiter by name he gets bent out of shape...It seems like lately we haven't been able to hardly go 2 days without a blow up and I guess I am feeling rather desperate...I have changed so much, I was just a kid when we got together and I've grown up a lot since then. I know I've made some horrible mistakes and I was willing to own up for them and I'm willing to pay for them as well...I just don't know where to go from here. I'm not willing to stay in a relationship where all we do is fight and hurt each other and at the same time we are so close sometimes and I know that we have a connection there that is powerful and that there is a lot of love left in us, if we can only really show it to each other. It seems like he is disappointed in everything that I do and doesn't feel I am committed to us or to improving myself. I know I have my own things to work on, I personally feel like I have been making some great change and I guess I get tired of trying to convince him that I am a good person. If anyone has any advice or has been through a similar experience I would greatly appreciate it. I hope it doesn't sound like I am putting him down, he is a wonderful person, when he is showing that side of himself, and I'm more than willing to accept my share of the blame, just not all of it. Sorry this is so long winded, I just don't know how to get it all out any shorter and I've already left out so much...OK, enough already...Any input will be appreciated. Thanks.
