I'm not sure how to start this...
I guess at the beginning, and if you can bear to read that much let me please thank you in advance.

My significant other and I have been together for almost 8 years...We were married in '99, married for 4 years, and then divorced in August of '03. We got back together in May of '04, and have been trying to work things out ever since. We were very young when we married (I was 16, he was 18) and so it was pretty difficult to not only be growing up but to me married and struggling through that.

A LOT of mistakes were made on both of our parts. He became emotionally and eventually physically abusive and I became defensive and emotionally abusive back...It was definitely two-sided.

Things got pretty bad and one night after a particularly bad fight while we were camping in our rv (he pulled me out of the rv by my hair and then left in our car) I made the biggest mistake of our relationship and I had a one-night stand with his friend. I felt horrible about this and made another huge mistake by not confessing, I literally feared for my life.

We divorced a few months after this (he was the one who wanted to and sort of "forced" me into going along with it) (at this point he still did not know about it).

We moved from another state to live with my parents. Shortly after we moved there he took an interest in my older sister who also lives at home...This was very difficult for me but I tried to keep my emotions at bay, eventually I decided to quit wishing for something it seemed I could never have and try to move on.

I began chatting online with a friend I had made at my work before we moved, and even though it never really went past friendship I think that feelings were developing there.

It was shortly after we started talking a lot that he approached me much to my surprise and asked me to get back together. I was very hesitant at first, especially since it seemed it was more about not wanting me to move on than really loving me and wanting me to be a part of his life...But he persisted and I do believe that he loved, and still loves, me and I knew that I still loved him so I agreed.

I also decided that I needed to come clean about my mistake if we were to have any chance of really making this work...I told him before I told him I'd get back with him because I wanted him to have the option of changing his mind, which I felt like he might do, and had the right to decide for himself.

He took it pretty well at first, and as time went on I could see that there was a lot of resentment there, understandably.

We found out about dr. harley and started working through love busters...As we were going through the honesty part I realized how much I had been lacking there, by witholding things and not being honest about my feelings and committed to do a better job.

The only "circumstance" I could think of that I had never told him about had happened years ago...Before we were married he had moved out of state to go live with his mom again and while he was there he had some legal problems and ended up leaving the state to go live with an older woman he had met on the internet, he had an affair with her and lived with her for almost a month...He lied about it at first but eventually came clean before he decided to come back and live with me...

I was fairly devastated after I found out and I don't know why, revenge or desperation I had an encounter of my own, We didn't end up going all the way thankfully but I was scared that if I told him he would leave me again...So I kept that secret for years, and almost forgot completely about it. Then I knew I had to expose the skeletons in my closet and I told him this last August...

I can understand his upset, it has just seemed that ever since then he doesn't believe anything I say...He is convinced there is more to tell, which I can understand, but there truly isn't so I don't know what to do.

He constantly thinks I am looking for someone else and if I even call a waiter by name he gets bent out of shape...It seems like lately we haven't been able to hardly go 2 days without a blow up and I guess I am feeling rather desperate...

I have changed so much, I was just a kid when we got together and I've grown up a lot since then. I know I've made some horrible mistakes and I was willing to own up for them and I'm willing to pay for them as well...I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm not willing to stay in a relationship where all we do is fight and hurt each other and at the same time we are so close sometimes and I know that we have a connection there that is powerful and that there is a lot of love left in us, if we can only really show it to each other.

It seems like he is disappointed in everything that I do and doesn't feel I am committed to us or to improving myself. I know I have my own things to work on, I personally feel like I have been making some great change and I guess I get tired of trying to convince him that I am a good person.

If anyone has any advice or has been through a similar experience I would greatly appreciate it.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am putting him down, he is a wonderful person, when he is showing that side of himself, and I'm more than willing to accept my share of the blame, just not all of it.

Sorry this is so long winded, I just don't know how to get it all out any shorter and I've already left out so much...OK, enough already...Any input will be appreciated. Thanks.

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: eve_21 ]</small>

Hi Eve, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you do us a favor and put this in paragraphs? It is very diffucult to follow this way.

Thanks.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Eve,

Yeah Melody is right, it was hard to read. You had a lot to say there though, it's nice to be able to unload it like that isn't it?

I don't have any good advice for ya, but I'm sure some others will be along to give you some here soon.

Don't get too discouraged if you don't get very many replies, it's like that on the weekend.

-Caren

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Has he stopped being physically and emotionally abusive?

I wish I could say yes to both...For the most part yes he has quit being physically abusive.

Last night was the first time since we got back together last year that he slapped me, and I do have to admit that I slapped him first, because he was grabbing my stomach and pinching it and telling me how fat I was...No excuse to by physical I know, I just sort of lost it.

As far as emotionally abusive it has gotten a lot worse lately, lots of angry outbursts and insults...

I usually try to remain calm and not get angry back but it seems like usually I get drawn into it to and then it just escalates and then I usually will withdraw and not say anything more...Just a vicious cycle I guess.

blessings to you eve...

I think that you and he need serious serious good marriage counseling asap...like within the next two weeks commit to a counselor...

and if he is not willing to do that...I think that the only advice is for you to move out...
and work on this seperately...and then hopefully together....

had you said the physical stuff was back a ways...and both were volatile....back then...and have LEARNED and CHANGED those type of conflict patterns...then I wouldn't so strongly recomend splitting up....

sounds like both of you are somewhat equal in the abuse cycle...though one is usually more apt to it....

BUT
both of you are still engaging in a pattern of physical acting out...and it's not working...

I think you need a mediator to teach you how to communicate safely...and that you should not divulge any more at this point....

and that neither you nor he should live with physical escalations...

you need a good counselor ASAP
I think it's youe best chance...

ARK

Tell me - why do you want a partner who grabs your stomach and pinches it and tells you how fat you are?

Thank you for the advice ark, probably a good idea to see a counselor...

And believer I understand where you are coming from...And I'm sure it sounds like the typical answer to say he's not always like that. I'm not even going to bother justifying that because you are right, that is wrong, and it's not something that I will put up with in my relationship.

Right now we are trying to work through our problems, as big and relentless as they see at times. And like I said, last night was the first time he has been physical with me like that in a long time, over a year and a half...

This probably sounds really pathetic. I feel like we have both made mistakes and I want to move past them and actually solve our problems instead of pushing them under the rug.

eve - Stick with us, and we will help you through this. Read all of the stuff here. I used to be in an abusive relationship. You can count on us to support you.

eve..
I have great hope that he and you are both willing to work together...

counseling in your case should not be optional..
but of great importance and priority....

you two should commit to finding a good counselor together as a good step in working together...

none of this is done
to make him the bad guy
or you...

you both need to figure out better ways to communicate

ark

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

eve
It seems that you both are trying to "level the playing ground" he has an A, you have an A to get back at him; he slaps you, you slap him. Why all this give and take when neither of you are getting anything in return but more pain? I think everyone is right who has rec MC; this senseless cycle of action and reaction has to stop if you are going to make a go of it.

I appreciate all the support, I think marriage builders is an amazing place. I'm feeling a little bit better about things today.

I think that I am going to ask him to work through love busters with me again, we have started many times and then we both procrastinate and I think if we both put our best into it that can help a lot, I know it did before.

And to take Ark's advice and look for a good marriage counselor. Does anyone have any advice on how to go about finding a good one? I've had some fairly bad experiences with counselors in the past and so has he, and I guess we are a little soured to that. But I do know there are good ones out there.

Thanks again everyone, I was a little hesitant to post in this category, being the ws myself, but I felt like everyone here might have a better insight into what is going on and it means a lot to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />