Hard to know where to turn.

I have been in a relationship for four years now. My fiance had an affair about two years ago and when it happened I hunkered down to save things even though I had done whatever I could to make her feel special and the center of my universe before the affair. I changed in ways she wanted as well and thought we were moving along and asked her to marry me this summer.

I pretty much let her off the hook for the most part. The really damaging thing that has come back to light has been a friendship of hers that drives me crazy for a number of reasons. Mainly, before she told me about the affair (which I knew happened but didn't have the guts to confront) she knew I was under the impression it was with this friend of hers and let that impression continue until she finally told me that it wasn't with him. My initial accusations were of an affair between the two.

At one point she stated to me that she had told him that she couldn't see him anymore but somehow she has decided to continue this friendship.

She has a high amount of cell usage with this person (as I recently discovered and ticked her off), goes to lunch with him, etc. I have told her how much I can't stand it yet she persists and now I'm the bad guy when I have confronted her with these indications of problems. Her reaction is to say that we have differences and our relationship probably won't get past this point because I can't let go of the affair. To me it feels like she blackmails me with the threat of the relationship ending to not bring it up. Is she right?

I want to trust her. She just doesn't understand that he is a reminder of everything that happened that tore my soul out. Am I blind here? I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Welcome. You are exactly right. She is behaving selfishly - she wants her friend, whether it hurts you or not.

Read the information here. It will help you know what to do.

ok, Massive, I am confused. Why SHOULD you trust an untrustworthy person? Wouldn't that be a little insane? She has shown you that she cannot be trusted and you still sense that there is something going on. I see nothing here that tells me that she is even remotely INTERESTED in rebuilding trust, so why would you even consider trusting her?

She hasn't done anything to rebuild trust yet she demands that you afford her the same level of trust one would afford a trustworthy person. She isn't interested in rebuilding trust, she has told you to shut up about it or the relationship is ended.

And just WHO did she have the affair with since she changed her story about this friend?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her reaction is to say that we have differences and our relationship probably won't get past this point because I can't let go of the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In other words, you can shut up about it or she is going on. Even though you have valid questions, your feelings are so unimportant to her that she has told you that she will dump you unless you shut the hell up.

See, dating is a testing period much like a job interview. Its purpose is to see if the person would be a good candidate for marriage. The things that you see in the interview are a pretty good indicator of future behavior.

So let me ask you this: do you know of ANY employer who would hire a candidate who LIED and cheated in the interview process?

Now, ask yourself WHY they would not hire this candidate.....

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MC,
You don’t really come here seeking a solution to your problem but instead a method by which you can continue a relationship that probably would best be abandoned.

She has already showed her lack of commitment by cheating. Now she is engaged in a relationship that she knows is offensive to you. Worse yet, she has promised to give up this relationship and instead kept it going on behind your back. This is not the kind of behavior conducive to building a solid marriage.

Look the young woman under discussion may be ever so wonderful in ever so many ways but when it comes to relationships she really needs to learn the personal prerogatives need to take second place.

Sorry MC, I would like to tell you something different but really, continuing down the present path sounds to be a bad move on your part.

Good luck.
Coach

Thanks Mel. I missed the part where they are not married yet.

Please listen to Melody - she is very wise.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MassiveConfusion:
She has a high amount of cell usage with this person (as I recently discovered and ticked her off), goes to lunch with him, etc. I have told her how much I can't stand it yet she persists and now I'm the bad guy when I have confronted her with these indications of problems. Her reaction is to say that we have differences and our relationship probably won't get past this point because I can't let go of the affair. To me it feels like she blackmails me with the threat of the relationship ending to not bring it up. Is she right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What she is saying here is that if made to choose, she would choose her "friend" over you. At least you know where you stand in the pecking order and it is not the top of list.

Keep it coming...I appreciate the honesty from you folks. I need to hear this. I am much more prepared than I was when I first was Pearl Harbored but as I guess you can sense, I'm having a hard time ending it.

Melody, thank you so much about reminding me of the pecking order, that has to end. Also, to answer your question, she said her affair was with an old boyfriend in a city three hours away and when I asked her his name she gave me the same first name as her past and current friend. Look, I know you guys are probably banging your heads against a wall wondering why I didn't end this thing...I do that every day now...but I bought into giving my everything to this relationship when I got in and don't want it to end if I am perceiving something that is not there...I just want to be as sure as I can if I have to pull the trigger on ending this.

When I confronted her about the phone calls, the lunches where she won't tell me what they talked about as well as catching her in some lies she has since "gone dark" on me and is not responding to my calls and has gone back to her parents.

When I brought it up before she seemed catatonic that I would ask her to end this friendship. Became very subdued.

Coach-thanks for the perspective. I am not blindly looking for reasons to stay in a bad relationship. I just want to have some guidance and opinions.

Believer-Thanks for the link. I have been trying to get as much info as i can. I have suffered through this for two years and am just now addressing it the way I should.

Everyone: You are helping me a lot and opening up some things to me. Do you see any options of confrontation where this relationship can be saved?

Melody, one thing though. She didn't originally tell me that she had an affair with the friend...she just kept on letting me accuse her of having an affair with him and denying it. He became the poster boy for the entire episode because of it.

The only one you can change is yourself. She is going to do what she is going to do. But if she continues acting the same, I would RUN, not walk from getting married.

You deserve someone who want to meet your needs and have a good life with you. There are plenty of women looking for a good man.

Melody-as for trusting an untrustworthy person being insane I couldn't agree more...but I haven't felt sane since this thing started

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MassiveConfusion:
<strong>
When I confronted her about the phone calls, the lunches where she won't tell me what they talked about as well as catching her in some lies she has since "gone dark" on me and is not responding to my calls and has gone back to her parents.

When I brought it up before she seemed catatonic that I would ask her to end this friendship. Became very subdued. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Confused, [and I don't think you are really confused at all, you just don't want to accept the right answer] take the scenario you just described above. Now add 2 small children and a mortgage. You are expected to share your W with another man and if you don't like it, you can get the hell out.

And guess what? Now you are married. So the stakes are higher. You go before the judge [which usually rule in favor of the mothers] and he rules that you: 1. leave your home, 2. pay alimony, 3. pay all the bills, and 4. pay child support and only see your children on a limited visitation schedule.

That is probably your future, my good friend. The past is ALWAYS the best indicator of the future. And in your case, it damn sure is because she has no intention of changing anything. You have been all but guaranteed this scenario.

Now, if you can accept that you will be sharing your W with her "good friend" [which I strongly suspect is an affair] and that you are expected to shut the hell up if you don't like it, then you have your gal.

BUT.......don't even delude yourself into thinking that you can change her. You can't. It will not happen.

I think the heavens have opened up and God has handed you a gift. You may not see it right now, but you have been given the gift of a lifetime; a rare glimpse of what your future will be if you marry this woman.

Most people don't get that gift, because while dating, most daters are not callous enough to run out and have an affair when they are involved in a new relationship. That is VERY RARE. They try and put their best foot forward, your GF isn't even interested enough to do that.

It would be nice if it did happen more often to others, because more folks would be forewarned and could run for their lives.

But, you have been handed this wonderful gift, which is an opportunity to avoid years of hell. Please don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Run for your life....

Melody - You forgot one thing - her lover may be living in the family home. That happens alot around here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>

But, you have been handed this wonderful gift, which is an opportunity to avoid years of hell. Please don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Run for your life.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">^^^^Melody's words are so TRUE!!!

Run...Run...Run...

Does it hurt?
YES
Will you have to began the difficult task of getting over your EX?
YES
Are you lucky to go thru that pain now rather than later, say 3 kids a house a dog and intertwined financial obligations?
YES

You lucky guy you!!

I know it feels like anything BUT luck right now, but friend sometimes things ARE NOT meant to work out. It's possible your fiance isn't ready to be married, I mean that's sort of obvious if you consider monogamy as a prerequisite for M. It's also possible you guys aren't the best match for marriage and that's not the worst thing to discover BEFORE you get m'd. I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but like I said earlier, sometimes something aren't meant to work out.

Take heart and know you still have options.

Good Luck!

FM

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Ok, let's fast forward 25 years. Your beloved son and pride and joy, Bubba [humor me, I am from Texas] comes home to ask for your blessing to marry Lulu from Odessa. He tells you this about Lulu:

1. she lies to him

2. she cheats with other man [men]

3. she has a close private "friendship" with another man and Bubba is told it is none of his business what they discuss - it is "private"

4. Bubba is told that if Lulu has to choose between this "friendship" and him, that she will choose the "friendship" and that he can just jam it

5. she keeps secrets from him

6. She is not concerned about his discomfort

7. she arrogantly demands trust but is not willing to earn it

What would you tell your Bubba to do, Father?

Hello MC,

Welcome to MB,

I will agree with the other's here.You are not even married yet and your fiance is cheating on you.As we have seen here many times,this behavior rarely,if ever,changes once there is marriage.Your fiance has some major issues going on inside and marriage will not solve this.

The hardest part for you might just be letting your fiance go for now and maybe forever.If you were married,we would tell you how to handle this A and how to try and save your marriage but your fiance is already flawed in a major way.You might think your love for her will change her or she might finally "see the light" some day but no.You definitely do have differences between you and I would say that what she values and believes may not coincide with what you do.Certainly not committment.

Keep in mind that sometimes what you want/wish for just cannot be.You may want your fiance to be this or that but right now,it's clear that she doesn't value you or the relationship like you DESERVE.

MC,many of us have been here for a long time and have heard every conceivable story you could imagine.If I were you,I would not marry this woman.And,I would not stay in a relationship with this woman either unless,and only unless,she were willing to stop her bad behavior and seek out professional help for her problems.Otherwise I would think about a Plan B of sorts.Read up on it here under the Q&A section at top.

Lastly,an excellent book that I recommend: "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Take Care.

O

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Melody, she's not looking all that great anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MassiveConfusion:
<strong> Melody, she's not looking all that great anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, please just think it over, MC. We have given you alot here to chew over and I know it's not easy to assimilate.

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MC,

RUN!

L.

Hi, Massive.

It seems that your are getting beat up rather impressively. This is a good thing. It looks like you came to the right place to get some sense beat into you :-)

My turn.

Your fiance is behaving perniciously toward you. Do you need her to finish it off by sticking a hot poker in your eye before you are convinced that she does NOT have your best interest at heart?

So, to quote a line from a movie;

"Run Forest, RUN!!"

All the best,
Gimble

Thanks everyone. It has come to an end. In some ways I am relieved but I am damaged beyond words. I know there is a lot of talk about making Love Bank deposits but I feel like I put a lot of those deposits in and got little back for it.

I'll always try to keep my positive attitude about things but it's really hard right now and I am sad. I called this morning to get in to talk to a doc for therapy...never thought I would go there in my life. It would be a lot harder if I hadn't received the help of all of you.