WAT is exactly right, you have another ripe opportunity in your arsenal to shake up this affair by telling his parents. He desperately wants you to help him keep his dirty secret, because it enables his affair.

He likely is going there to tell them how badly you treat him and how he is "thinking" about separating. He is setting the stage to make sure you are the villan so his family will not blame him for leaving you.

That is why you need to call them before he gets there and tell the truth. Otherwise, they will be "spun" with his version and won't be able to apply any pressure to him in ending his affair. You might want to call them while you know he is enroute so he doesn't cancel the trip. He can spend his visit explaining why he is having an affair and leaving his wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sleeplessinvegas:
<strong>I think when we see the counselor I will know if he is sincere, or if he is just going through the motions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do not expect to see the H you are familiar with.

WSs who are love drunk can be unbelieveably convincing, manipulative, and devious. Whatever happens in the counseling session, do not take it seriously or personally. This is how confident we are that we know how it will go down.

"Is it wrong to want to tell his family, but leave mine out of it for now?"

No. If you don't want to tell your family because they will urge you to dump him, then don't tell. It's much more important to expose to people who can have some influence over him or whom he would be embarassed for them to know than people who already think he's a problem.

It is vital that you expose to his family - the sooner the better. Planning to call OW when you get home makes sense.

WAT

I am going to call and talk with his mother - because I have a good relationship with her. She has always been very reasonable. She will also be very stern with him to get to the bottom of what's going on.

Thanks for the head's up about the marriage counselor. I knew it was not going to be the be all, end all, but I was hoping that it would help. He keeps holding this out as the way for us to work out our problems.

Before he left, I tried to set ground rules for our separation, for example, could we see other people, date, sex, etc - to get gauge his responses. He said that as long as we were trying to work things out, he would not see anyone else, but could not define what "trying to work things out" actually was --- ie. talking to one another, going to a counselor, etc.

I eventually said to just forget about any ground rules because I did not trust that he would follow them or be honest to me. It just created another opportunity for him to lie to me.

I suggest you adopt your own ground rules - you're still married and dating isn't appropriate. If "separation" meant no more marital obligations, then what is divorce for? Don't make this mess any worse, do not jump into his cess pool.

WAT

Per my previous post, I planned to call the OW on Saturday when I got back from my trip. Well, she beat me to the punch. She called me! I had tried to call her several times, but I could never catch her - I never left a message. She saw my number and called me. I was checking in for my flight and I received a call from her saying that she had received several calls from my number and she wanted to check to see if maybe I had a wrong #, she asked me some questions and then I asked if I could call her back.

We talked and although she indicated that she did not know he was married, she said that after I started calling she put two and two together. She said she asked him if he was married when they first met and he told her no, he was never married. She shared that he told her he had strong feelings for her, but now that she knows he is married and trying to work things out with me, it was over and I would not need to worry about her anymore. It was all very civil.

Now - here's the catch -- after I sat back to think about the conversation, many of the comments she made were inconsistent. I wanted to call her again and ask more questions, but I decided against it. She asked if we were separated - which leads me to believe that my husband talked to her about being married or at least told her when we separated. She was not surprised or shocked or upset. I think she knew all along, even if my husband did not tell her. She also called him immediately after she talked with me.

Prior to her calling, I had planned to meet my husband and take him to the airport so that we could see each other before he left to go home. My flight was delayed and I called to tell him that I would not make it. His only comment was did I call her again. I said no, but she called me, and that's how we left it. The only time we have spoken since was when I called to let him know that I arrived safely home. He did not even call to check.

Hmmmmm - I think you're smart to be suspicious of her honesty.

What;s the status of your other exposure options? - in particular, his family?

WAT

SS, I would call her back and fill in the holes. Make sure she understands that you JUST NOW separated and plan on doing whatever it takes to save your marriage. Tell her that you cannot work on your marriage as long as she is in the picture.

I did call her back, and she was not forthcoming with info, she said it was over and she did not want any "drama." I reviewed our cell phone bills and they are still calling each other several times a day. I do not think it is or was sexual, but I am sure with the separation, it is only a matter of time.

I still have exposure options with family - however a bit hesitant. Although I have a close relationship with his family - they all really dote on him - he is the favorite grandson, son, nephew, etc -- all things being equal - I feel they will side with him.

WS and I have only exchanged a few very tense words since she originally called me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sleeplessinvegas:
<strong>

I still have exposure options with family - however a bit hesitant. Although I have a close relationship with his family - they all really dote on him - he is the favorite grandson, son, nephew, etc -- all things being equal - I feel they will side with him.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's ok. He would still be forced to explain his affair to his family, which would make it very unpleasant and take away the secrecy. The affair survives on secrecy and this would help hasten its death.

P.S. you did very good calling her back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sleeplessinvegas:
<strong>I still have exposure options with family - however a bit hesitant.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's OK, as long as you are also willing to be hesitant about salvaging your marriage.

Just don't be hesitant about getting divorced.

WAT