I am so sick of triggers. It has been almost four months since D-Day, and they are ever-present.

We returned from our weekend trip today. It was like a rollercoaster. The talk on the drive there was productive. I really thought I could be strong once we got to the hotel. I could not. I completely freaked out and cried in the parking lot and refused to go in. I don't believe I have ever seen anyone exhibit so much patience as my FWH has these past four months. I told him I was going to sleep in the car. I really wanted to. He said he would sleep in the car, too. I felt ridiculous then, and didn't want to make him suffer so I went in, reluctantly. I don't think I have ever triggered so badly. I slept on the floor. He slept on the floor with me. While he was in the bathroom, I tried to sleep in the bed and it was too uncomfortable so I got back on the floor before he came out. He talked me through everything, reassuring me and being patient. He made me feel so safe that I felt okay to sleep on the bed.

The next day we spent in a military briefing. It was my first. It was rather interesting and Patriot was so kind and told me repeatedly how grateful he was that I came with him and how appreciative he was about the fact that I was interested in his life. He said that he was so happy that I wanted to be part of his life.

Somewhere towards the end of the day I started to feel distant again. The ride home was so boring because we barely talked. After we returned home I triggered so badly about something else. This time I was angry. I was rude and hateful to him and said quite a few things I didn't even mean. I'm not sure why I did that. I guess sometimes I get so tired of trying to climb this enormous mountain. I really don't think things will ever be different. I don't think I can forgive him for hurting me so deeply. I have a lot of trouble believing what he says. I wonder why he fights so hard.

I told him I was sorry for the things I said. He doesn't run from my pain anymore. He just tries to comfort me, instead.

It's so hard sometimes to distinguish between what is real and what isn't. He was such a good liar. I was reading a thread the other day about signs that your spouse is having an A. NONE of them fit his former behavior. He was very kind and loving. In fact, he acted a lot like he does now - only not nearly as patient. If he could be so loving before while he was lying through his teeth, how am I to tell the difference between the truth and a lie now?

This is really just a ramble with a ton of rhetorical questions that may not even have answers. I mostly just wanted to give Patriot public recognition for being strong, protective, loving, and patient. My husband acts like such a grown up lately.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

I have come to believe that triggers are an EXCUSE to feel bad, not a reminder to feel bad.

I think that when we hit a time where we're done feeling bad about our WS affair, triggers don't 'trigger' us anymore.You and I haven't hit that time yet.

We have more hurt we need to feel still from time to time.

At around 4 months I felt that way about hotels too. We spent Christms in a hotel together and I'm fine with them now.

I have to drive past 'the' motel whenever I drive o my local works office. That used to kill me.

I stopped off there and got copies of the invoices of when Squid and OM stayed there ( He signed in as 'mr and mrs Pure' so I was able to get the receipt by showing a credit card).

I looked around at the absolute sordidness of that £30 a night motel and realised I had nothing to fear from it.

I'm not wildly happy to drive past it now, but I don;t need to feel sad about that trigger any more so I don't.

I found that my triggers only lost their power over me when I DELIBERATELY examined and experinces the pain they caused in me.

Karate is another one. Then I started helping out at the club (where theres no chance of NC) and while I want Squid to give it up(as the whole community is corrupt), karate as a trigger has lost its power over me.

It HURTS to look fear in the face but it has worked for me.

All blessings.

I hope bOb pure is right. I know ever since my W's first A in 88 I don't like to watch movies that have A's in them. Right now I'll get upset if she calls me honey. I heard her call OM that twice while I was there with them. Some things have died since the first time but others haven't.
I hate trees now also so if you wake up to the news and a entire forest was cut down you can smile and say I know who did that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

RHM

Hi, frozen.

I want to second what bob says here;
===============================
"I found that my triggers only lost their power over me when I DELIBERATELY examined and experinces the pain they caused in me"
===============================

The way to stop a trigger is to 'get a handle on it'. A 'handle' is some element of truth that allows you to regain control of a thought that has turned obsessive.

All the best,
Gimble

Froz-

I'm not too thrilled about triggers myself, I am sure that I'll have plenty of them after recovery as well. I have MAD triggers right now. To be perfectly honest, Typing your name.....just now, is a trigger for me. My WH mispelled OW's last name in his cell phone address book as Froz, that's all the entry said *Froz*, I was like, WTF is that? I asked him and he told me what it was, he said he had to have it because that's where his car was going to be...blah, blah, blah....so although they hit me hard, they eventually calm down some....now instead of being panic stricken by the letters FROZ, I am uncomfortable, but I'm not flipping out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

After WH's first A, I had TONS of triggers, to this day there is no freakin' way I could ever walk into the restaurant that she used to work in.
But it doesn't bother me to drive by it anymore (It's no where near where we live now so I don't drive by it often). There were others, I think you have to feel the pain of them.....then take a look at why they bother you and work through it, then that trigger loses it's power. It's a conscious effort, I believe....you'll get it hon, I'm sure it's tiring, but you'll get it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

RHM, your post sums up why I started to DELIBERATELY fix my response to triggers.

I mean TREES ???? How can this affair rob you of the joy of TREES !!

I saw from OMs pathetically soggy love letters to Squid that he appreciated many of Squids gifts for making people laugh.

I still laugh at them, Squid made me laugh with those long before they worked on OM. And he'll never hear them again.

I deserve better than to go through life in sadness because of unmanaged triggers.

I will NOT allow OM to steal my life's joy as well as my marriages innocence.

Get angry about triggers, RHM ( and frozen) and WRING OUT all the sadness they hold for you until theres hardly any left. Then move on.

Incidentally Patriot, props to you mate. Really. I wish Squid was that grown up about this mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was kidding about the trees. As much as that comment from my W about replanting the tree from him to make it acceptible to keep hurt me, I don't hate trees.

I still will get upset about being called honey and I will not call her hon, honey or babe.

I guess I'm not there yet.

Oh no that means making out in the park is out. At least that park. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

* Froz I hope you don't think this is a threadjack, it seems germaine to your theme *

RHM, Take mobile phones. Squids cellphone, that I pay for was the primary enabler of their affair. They exchanged hundreds of text messages per day and thats how I busted who she was having an affair with when I checked her statement online.

She even bought a second phone ( with my money) just to call & TXT OM after d-day.

I HATED her phones and actually dumped them in the bin several times before pulling them out realising she'd just buy another and I wouldn't be able to track the statements on thenew one.

After d-day whenever she was secretive about txting I was triggered hugely. But I realised that I wanted her to be open, not try to force her to stop contacting OM. Squid is a rebel and will do the opposite of what she is told by almost anyone.

But I needed to manage the trigger, so I started to TXT her. Practical ones first " Ill be home by seven", "shall I get a loaf on he way home?".

Then more important ones " never think that I do not care for you very much", " I was just thinking about you and it made me smile".
She began responding in kind. It stung that she was using the TXT shorthand she learned from OM but she was sending kind messages to ME not HIM.

We had a resumption of intimacy in September and she started sending me messages and occasionally adding a " x ". I restuned the same way.

Now we send each other loving txts every day when we're apart ( and occasionally I send one from my home office to her saying " put the kettle on! xx". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I have deliberately wrested back the medoum of cellphone and text for the power of Godly love from the evil continuance of an affair.
I no longer have any problem with cellphones and they were my number one trigger.

I told you about how I dealt with my "hotels trigger ", even THE hotel.

Underwear. Squid bought expensive sexy lingerie for OM to enjoy ( again with my money). I cut up the ones she wore the second time they met to rut, but i still don't know what happened to the ones she wore the first time, or if she still has them.

I never had a lingerie fetish particularly, not like OM anyway. So I got myself one ! We have worked through most of Squids sexiest lingerie making love since d-day and any SHRED on memory they may hold for Squid of OM must now be gone.

And I have a new appreciation of Squid in lingerie ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Trigger removed, and a dirty thing has been cleaned by love.

See? Confront each trigger and work though them.

Squids car is a trigger but we're selling that soon. As triggers appear I deal with them.

I dunno if this is MB or not, its just how I have dealt with triggers.

Let righteous indignation rive you to rescue back the blessings that are polluted for you by memory of the affair.

Hi Frozen

Sorry for the thread jack but I hope you get something out of it.

bOb prue - Same here about the phone. W wanted a better one so I got it for her and the OM was happy to program it a set up a good conection between them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I send her text over MSN messanger. I'm trying the same thing. Honey wii still be out and I refer to her as love.

***BP is getting Squid in lingerie*** <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

I didn't view your replies as a 'threadjack'. Your responses were quite helpful, really, in that I don't feel quite as crazy or silly that these things hurt me so much. Patriot has been very helpful in assisting me to rid our lives of some of them. For instance...

I told him that I hated riding in his truck - in preparation for his deployment, he traded both his truck and my car in and bought me a very beautiful, expensive SUV (which I LOVE). After we found out he wasn't being deployed, we then had to buy a second car because he didn't have one.

He let me throw away all of his underwear. Actually, I was going to do it anyway, but it did help that he was supportive.

He got rid of his job. He lied to all his former co-workers about his deployment (told them he was still going) because I didn't want her to find out he would still be here.

He did draw the line at getting rid of the house when I said I didn't like it anymore.

I do realize that it is not the actual item that sucks...the underwear, the tree, the hotel, the truck...it is the fact that they represent something that causes us enormous pain. THAT is the thing I'm having trouble getting rid of. As long as that still exists (and maybe it always will) there will always be something that reminds me of it.

Frozen - LOL because you threw all his underware away. My W had the A so I bought new undies for me. Ones I thought she would like. And a new wardrobe to go along. I had to do something to make myself feel good. I LOL now because I sound like a girl for doing it. It got her attention though. When I get home that tree better be gone or I'm taking my time and cutting each and every branch off untill it's gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm so glad things are working out for you. I know I'm getting a new house. When I go back to the states we won't be in the same state and I'll make sure of that.

RHM

RHM -

I say cut every branch off the tree if it really makes you feel better. Each trigger we have gotten rid of DOES really make me feel better.

Right after D-Day, I told him his cologne made me nauseated (my very first trigger, before I even knew they had a name or that other people had them, too). It nauseated me because all I thought about when I smelled it was that it was what she smelled when she was close to him. He threw it all away (even some bottles that were pretty full). I didn't even ask him to. We went on a special shopping trip that day to pick out a new fragrance for him that we both liked. It helped tremendously.

You haven't explained entirely the significance of the tree, but maybe you could plant something new, together, in it's place.

Froz-

LOL @ throwing his underwear and his cologne away....girl don't you know I did the same thing...only I took it a step farther, he had Hugo Boss cologne and 3 new shirts that weren't even from his OW1, they were from some girl at his Mom's work that *liked* him....well screw that. I took them up to his Mom's work and said "MIL, here are some things that you can give to your BF (When he gets out of PRISON...gawd that's so ghetto)" and I slowly started taking things out of the bag....I said "There's this shirt.....and this shirt......and this shirt (holding each one up so the girl could see me) and here's some cologne, and here's Angel's telephone number At Work, At home and her cell....but I doubt that your BF will want that." I have NEVER seen a girl haul @$$ out of some place so fast in my life......it was priceless.

Hey, I wanna know what the tree deal is too, btw.

-Caren

Frozen,

I am newer to this site than you, but farther along down the R road. Four months is still pretty new to the process.

Triggers and how to deal with them is what brought me to this forum last month.

They hurt and they are real.

My FWH's long distance PA was conducted entirely in hotel rooms each month when he traveled on business. Starting immediately with dday, he has urged me to travel with him on each trip. In fact, he had a trip scheduled for 7 days after dday which, OW had intended to meet him on.

He catagorically stated that if I didn't take that trip with him, he was not going.

Hotel rooms for some time were triggers for me. Even flying to join him on a trip was hard. I used to feel bad when I thought about him waiting for her to join him during the A.

I felt, until I heard different here, that I was alone in this. Now I know better.

My FWH and I are reading SAA together and will follow with LB and HNHN. The books are very helpful in seeing each others perspectives on how and why the A started and how to recover.

We are moving steadily towards recovery, and more importantly, we are, each day, building an A-proof marriage. I love my H more than ever and he feels the same way about me.

From what I have read, your H is very much like mine in his willingness to get thru this.....good luck and keep your chin up.

I have fewer really bad days and maybe I can see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.

Frozen

Ok here is the story about the tree. After my wife agreed to NC the OM came over to plant a tree in place of one thet blew down some time back. The tree was meant to be fro a group of people but he planted it. I didn't even have to tell her it would remind me of him every time I walked out my front door. She knew. Her response was if I pull it up and replant it would it be ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I found this so increadably insensitive. But for some reason I didn't know weather to laugh or cry. To me this was worse then I may never get over him and he is all these great things and you aren't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I know the last wasn't true and I'm hoping the first isn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> But regardless of any tree in the front yard when I get home it will come out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> It makes me cringe and laugh at the same time today as when she said it.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: RHM ]</small>

Oh yea I forgot I did tell here if she wanted a tree there we could plant one there together when I got home to start our new life together. That isn't what she wanted to hear. I kind of hope it's still there so I can use it for therapy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Diane,

How are you further down the R road? Did you mean just with reference to time because your D-Day was earlier?

I am hoping that you mean in terms of recovery because if you have information that has helped you, would you please share it with me? I am desperate to recover.

Right now my biggest obstacle seems to be that the pain is so great. I wonder if I will ever be able to get past it. It hurts so much that I wish I would die on a daily basis. I thought everything was so great between us and we used to talk about how perfect our relationship was and how happy we were...all while the A was going on. I find it so confusing now. Every time I start to relax and believe that he loves me, I remember how I believed it before and none of it was real. It felt so real before and was believable, just like it is now.

I also feel like I will never completely heal. Even if there is a chance that we can have a good marriage, I fear it will always seem tainted and not as good as it could have been. Nothing in my life feels as sweeter, as brighter, or as happy. The time that we had before was the only time that I have been happy in my life. I feel very angry that he stole that from me. I feel very angry that he stole it and gave it to someone else. It was precious and beautiful to me and he made it something ugly. He threw it away for something cheap, shallow, and meaningless. I must have meant even less to him than that.

I am glad that your H is so willing to help you. Is there anything in particular that he does that really helps?

RHM,

After hearing the tree story, I say yank it up.

Froz

Froz

LOL. I want to take it apart slooowly. Really though my wife has came around and I think we will be ok. I just talked to her and she opened up with her feelings on what happened, him, and what she want's. Her first IC/MC is Wed. I hope to get involved in the second via phone.

By the way if you want something great, go by one of those body shops in the mall and pick out a rubbing oil with a smell that you like and tell your H he owes you a great rub down. I did this for my wife and I must say I could do that for hours. It's just one thing I started to help build the romance back up in my marriage. I did this when she came to visit me here in europe.
Some how it don't seem fair she was bad and I have to be nice but it is fun regardless.

RHM

Gimble,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I found that my triggers only lost their power over me when I DELIBERATELY examined and experinced the pain they caused in me"

The way to stop a trigger is to 'get a handle on it'. A 'handle' is some element of truth that allows you to regain control of a thought that has turned obsessive.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's the element of truth that hurts me. I don't even know how to move past it. I examine it, alright, over and over and over...I'm not very adept at dealing with pain. I know others have called me strong before, and it makes me SO ANGRY when people say that. To me, what they are really saying is, "Wow, you've experienced a lot of painful things in your life and you're still standing." That isn't something to be admired! If I could choose differently, I would. I think that rather giving me strength, it has only made painful things harder to bear, actually weakening me. I have also noticed that I seem to be lacking this "hard outer shell" that a lot of people seem to possess. I think that this is due to my being so ruled by emotion. I think that it causes me to maybe feel things sharper than most. I think the only place I seem to have a hard shell is in my upper region - somewhere around my head.

Are you proud of Patriot? Do you suppose he's getting "it" now? I am proud of him. He is a good source of strength for me, which I desperately seem to be lacking.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>