D-day was yesterday and I'm still so confused. I discovered my W was having an A with a former co-worker and I confronted her as soon as I figured it all out. She went away for a few days to "think" last week and that's when I really started to put it all together. Then, I saw his name pop up on her cell phone last week and she has been overly attached to her Blackberry, sending emails out at all hourse and being really vague about what was hapening. I even saw her come out of the bathroom with the blackberry yesterday and that's when I decided to act.

So, I confronted her and it didn't go as I had thought. I tried to be angry, but I just found myself getting so sad. I yelled a bit and cursed her for betraying my trust (I have NEVER questioned my trust for her in our 10 years together and 6+ years of marriage in any way, shape or form). However, I also found myself seeing so much of the role I played in getting us to this point. I was so mad and sickened by what she did, but I also wanted to reach out to her. I had trouble staying firm.

My W was also sad, but she also said that she was relieved. She thought that I knew and said that it had been tearing her up. Her A has been going on for a month and I can tell that she has strong feelings for the OM. What killed me the most is that she said she was sad that she hurt me but that she didn't regret the A. She said that she felt whole for the first time in a long time and that it was hard for her to regret being with somone who made her feel special and beautiful. In addition, she described the OM as being like I used to be and said that we had a lot of similarities.

These words crushed me. I wanted her to beg for my forgiveness and say that it was over, but I got none of that. I asked her not to see the OM until we had a few days to think, but she refused.

What really complicates things is that she had told me two weeks ago that she was really unhappy and that she was having some doubts about our relationship. She told me where she hurt emotionally, but she never confessed the affair. In those two weeks, I have done a lot of soul-searching and we have had some of our best and most honest (I thought) conversations. I got so much clarity for where things had been bad and we had some of what I thought was the best communication in years. I totally put myself out there to her and was completely honest with all of my thoughts about us. Basically, I was in the midst of re-committing myself to her and to us when I discovered the affair. I even took her away to a hotel overnight on Friday as a gesture for a clean start.

Now what? I love her so much and I really want to fight for our marriage. I see how I failed her in a lot of ways and how I haven't filled many of her emotional needs in a while. But these feelings clash with my anger and hurt -- especially since these last 2 weeks of introspection came inside of a lie. She was honest with me about so much, but she held back about the A and it kills me.

I can't help but feeling like whatever I do next will have huge ramifications on whether or not there is a chance to save the marriage. She left the house last night and we agreed to talk today. She said, "you have all the cards now. You can divorce me, tell our friends about me and just ruin me. I deserve it, so you decide."

What do I do next? I want to work on our relationship, but I also don't want to be too quick to forgive. I'm pissed off, but I also miss her already. I know she won't agree to stop contact yet with the OM, so I'm not sure how to even start with the Plan A. I feel like I was using it before the A was revealed and now I don't know what to do.

introublenow

I think you have a great chance to fix your marriage. Wow I seen hope in what you wrote. She may be emotionally attached to this man now but I think from what you said she wants to come back. Her emotional atachment has her struggling inside. Read threw this site and develop a plan A. Try to be with her as much as you can and try to show her your sorry for not meeting her needs. Ask her to go to a MC. You will need to tell her this is to help you understand what needs you need to meet of hers. Buy the book His Needs Her Needs and read it when you are around her. in the evening. This will tell her in volumes how much you want to try to work this out. In time you will get her to a NC policy with the OM. Read through this site as much as posible and ask lots of questions. We are glad to help each other here.

RHM

Hi ITN

Sorry you have to be here, but here is where you need to be right now.

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The
untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get
better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape

then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and
heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,
and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at
my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone
on MB ! There are Angels here !

And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.


See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against teh affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...uot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A

Your FWS will probably suffer withdrawal fom their feelings of addiction to the affair and OP. You must support them through this, even though it hurts you so badly.


Suzet's wonderful guide to withdrawal


You think " I don;t want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempte dto settle for teh easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in yoru arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

You may feel you can never be part of a couple again

Each of us is alone in this life


After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving yoru WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

as a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than i could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking mor eblame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

So, I met with her tonight and did my best to address the situation. I told her that I was very angry and totally hurt by what she did. I made a few points about how this was her decision and that her A was not caused by our tough times.

I also told her that I loved her very deeply and that I was not ready to end our relationship. I told her that I was here for her and committed to try, but only if she would end the A and stop seeing OM.

It was so hard to talk to her and I felt she was really cold about things. I didn't see any spark towards me in her eyes and I wonder if deep down she has already given in. If so, I will be so lost. I love her so much and I still can't believe we are in this place.

I'm mad because I feel like she should have waited to act on anything with OM. She should have told me how much she was hurting and I'm feeling bitterness that she almost seems to have deprived us of a chance with her actions.

She left the house tonight and I'm sure she is with OM (and this just kills me). Then, she leaves on a business trip tomorrow for the rest of the week and I'm wondering what to do while she is gone...

Do I call her and stay friendly, or do I allow some time to pass? I don't want to be too accessible right now, but I also don't want to totally concede just sitting back waiting to see what happens with the A. Do I stay connected to make some space between us? I'm just hurting so much right now and it's all happening so fast.

ITN,

Ok, first thing you do is calm down. You are NOT going to fix this is a few days or even a few months. So settle down for a bit. Next thing you should do is read the articles on this site. I would like to recommend that you go to a book store and get a copy of Surviving an Affair,by Harley. It is not the only good book on this stuff but it is a good start and it will provide a grounding on what you will hear here.

Next, realize and you can say this to your W, "you don't hold all of the cards", she holds most of them because unless she ends it with OM, there is NO chance of this marriage surviving.

Also read about Plan A, in it you will need to address Love busters, LB's, on your part, you will need to offer her the hand of foregiveness, and you if the A continues you will need to expose it to her family (seeking help from them to save your marriage, and close friends seeking the same thing) She will be mad as heck, she will call you all sorts of names, but the purpose of exposure is to shine light on the A that has been so secret so far. This often starts the deterioration of the A.

Also realize that many A's end, and few A's leed to successful marriages. So it is a time game and a game where the race is between you losing love for your W, vs. the time it takes for the A to end. That is why there is a plan B. So read about both of them.

But, make sure she knows she actually holds many of the cards with respect to the marriage. Then settle down, do some introspection about your LB's, And settle in to work plan A for awhile. This is tough stuff and not for wimps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but you can do it.

Also do some reading on the discussion form and you will realize that YOU are not alone in this at all.

Keep posting and asking questions, but realize this is a process and these A's are remarkably similar.

God Bless,

JL

Hello introublenow(itn),

My heart goes out to you.I can hear the urgency,anger and sadness in your posts and the pain.It reminds me of what I went through in the beginning when my WH cheated on me.Your whole world has been obliterated and the one person you need to help you with all this monumental pian is the very one that caused it all.It's a terrible dichotomy!

Listen,what I will tell you at this point is that there is so much to learn,so much to go through and it's a long slow road.

Dealing with Infidelity is a huge emotional trauma and unfrotunately,it's almost never over right away.That is why your WW is so cold to you and isn't remorseful.Most are not when they are up to their necks in the A.Dr.Harely mentions something in his SAA book that says instead of extending a helping hand to you while you're down in the hole,they(WS's) throw rocks.Don't look for sympathy or comfort from your WW right now.It won't be there,ok?

Here are a few more things to consider for now.I don't want to overload your mind as I am sure it's spinning wildly right now already.

1) Read up on Plan A and what it means.This is what you should be doing right now even though you are hurting badly and it might not feel like the right thing to do.It is,trust us.Check out our bookstore for recommended reading material.

2) Recognize that of all affairs(A's) most die a natural death(97%).Only about 3% end up in marriage and of those I am not sure the survival rates are any better.So in essence,your WW's chances at having some "romantic,long lasting love"(puke) with this homewrecking OM is about nil.It will take time but most likely,her A will fail.Of course the OM looks like Mr.Romance right now.It's all based on FANTASY.NOT REALITY.Infatuation does not last.The feelings WILL end/die down with the OM too if she did leave you for him.

3) Please make sure that you are getting enough sleep,eating and functioning during the day.If you are NOT,see your doctor to discuss AD's(antidepressants) Many of us had to be on them,like me,to function.I took some to help me cope and stabilize my emotions just so I could get out of bed and take care of my children.I took them for 10 months and I am now off them and they really,really helped me in the shock stage.They are nto for everyone but it would be worth getting information about.

Ok.That's all for now.Keep coming back and posting itn.We are here for you.

O