I just returned from an extended business trip. My WW invited a friend to town for the weekend as I was to be away. This friend was an accomplice and a facilitator in my WW's affair so needless to say I wasn't very happy that she would be around my wife. My wife has a tendancy to be influenced by others, especially this friend. So I was worried about what might happen.

This morning I checked my WW email and found a note she had sent to her friend. In it she mentioned that she was thinking of someone, a guy named Andrew and indicated that she thought about him all the time.

Andrew is the name of a bartender at a place she frequents and WW and friend were at this bar both Friday and Saturday night. The one time I have been to the bar the guy did flirt a little with WW which sent my gut-alarm into overdrive. But at the time I didn't want to confront WW about it because things were very shaky between us.

It has been 5 months since I exposed to OM's wife and caused NC to happen. It has been five months since my stomach has contorted like this, since I've come close to having a panic attack...you all know what I'm talking about.

I've really learned to trust my gut over the last 16 months and it is telling me something is seriously wrong about the email. But I'm also worried I'm overreacting.

What do you think? Should I be worried?

(edited to remove direct quote-BS)

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Befuddled Spouse ]</small>

BS,

Let me see if I got this clear, Andrew (the bartender) is not the OM who your W had and A b4, and your W went to a bar last week with her friend (which I assume is a she). Then you read her e-mails and found that one. It is not clear that she is having an A with him, but there is high probability that there is something going on, maybe he came on to her and she rejected him, maybe they broke up a R, or maybe something else. In any case I think you have to make it clear to your W that she should not visit that or any other bar with out. If she wants to see her friend then they can meet at your place have some beers there and watch a movie or play cards but no going out any where. Also I don't think you should mention the e-mail. Keep the source to yourself to keep checking on her. She is in no position to be trusted back yet. Hope things work out for the better.

So to clarify...the bartender is not the OM from her A. This would be someone new, which is what I am worried about.

This is always the double edged sword of having spyware -> when it gives you information it is difficult to act on. Admitting its existence ends its usefullness. And I think I would have a hard time working into a general conversation..."by the way babe, I would like it if you never went to that bar again." Any suggestions?

I'm might have gotten a little carried away in my previous post. You can't force her to stop going out with the girls but yes you can let her know how much it hurts to you that she is doing it. When my FWW had to go back to her school once I told her that I want to go with her because it would hurt me a lot if she met with OM. She said no, and that was it for me. Then she thought it over and asked me to go with her. I was so hurt about the first rejection that I told her no. She went alone and met OM in the hallways. I now regret not going. But the point is that she understood how much it hurt me and that happened because I told her how I felt. There is no guarantee that she will stop going to the BAR if you tell her how you feel but she will never stop if you don't.

About spyware it is not hard to act upon the info you get. You wont be able to use it as evidence on a court of law but it is pretty strong evidence any way. And yes once they know about the spyware it is useless so don't make about revealing your source.